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Upsetting realisation (sensitive)

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Softcentre posted 4/23/2014 04:51 AM

Today I saw a heavily pregnant woman fall on her stomach. She was so upset & concerned for her baby. Someone called for an ambulance. She'd not brought her phone out with her so I contacted her husband. He left work straight away to meet her at the hospital. I'm praying for her and the baby.

It really shook me up. I felt very emotional during and afterwards. I was trying to work out why because I've always been very calm in a crisis. Partly, I realised I'm more in touch with my complex emotions, not just sad/mad. Which is good. But then I realised there was a memory pushing it's way up.

In between EA with my friend and the EA/PA with Fat Bottomed Girl there was what I's assuming was a lull. That was when I got pregnant with our second, ds4. About 1 month before he was born, I drove The Arse to work. Ds6 and I were on the driver's side, The Arse was on the passenger's side. It was a drive down narrow winding English countryside roads. As we came round a corner, a rubbish truck (garbage truck) came hurtling towards us. There was nowhere to go. The truck was on our side of the road, there was no space for us.

Somehow, as the truck hit my side, it managed to get past enough that it just scraped us badly. I was shaking. I had thought I, my bump and ds6 (then a toddler) were going to die. The Arse was all matter of fact. Acted as if I was overreacting.

He did drive us to his work. He then took me for a coffee to help me calm down. By this time I was having mild contractions. He made it clear that he was worried about being late for work in a passive aggressive "I'm going to be late, but if you REALLY need me here I can stay while you have a coffee". I let him make me more worried about his work, than what had just happened. I ended up driving back home myself.

Today I realised: I was in a car accident. I was heavily pregnant. I was having mild contractions. He was more worried about his work. He didn't offer to drive me home. He didn't offer to get me checked out in hospital,or even phone a doctor for advice...and neither did I because his attitude made me feel I was being silly and overreacting. I WASN'T. He was underreacting. Our baby in my stomach could have been in distress, I could have beengoing into labour...and he was worried about being late for work

And now I'm sitting here crying, wondering how I didn't realise before...and exactly when he stopped caring about me and our children. And what depths of codependency was I in, to not see how screwed up this situation was?

[This message edited by Softcentre at 4:54 AM, April 23rd, 2014 (Wednesday)]

Sadmumma posted 4/23/2014 05:12 AM

(((Softcentre))). You're not alone. For what it's worth I delivered 2 babies alone because "he'd seen it before" and " you shouldn't bother your family". What's worse is in my mind I was ok with it... The can screw with your head so much you just don't know what's right in the end.

[This message edited by Sadmumma at 5:13 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 4/23/2014 05:39 AM


I'm so sorry. Otoh, I'm so pleased for you that you are learning to recognize and process your emotions!!

And now I'm sitting here crying, wondering how I didn't realise before...and exactly when he stopped caring about me and our children. And what depths of codependency was I in, to not see how screwed up this situation was?

I can't tell you how many times I think that same basic thought to myself. Part of it, for me, is realizing that WH never loved me unconditionally. I think he loved me in his own way. But it was conditional.

When I stopped doing what he wanted/needed me to do to keep his anxiety in check, he started separating himself from me. He just didn't tell me that.

It's hard when you realize that things were not as they seemed, isn't it? Really messes with your head.

I'm glad you were able to assist that lady. Hopefully her little one is still cooking nicely in her belly where he/she ought to be.

nekorb posted 4/23/2014 05:39 AM

Double post

[This message edited by nekorb at 5:41 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

SBB posted 4/23/2014 05:56 AM

Most people wouldn't let a pregnant stranger drive themselves home after a car accident.

I see 'normal' reactions now and I feel like an alien. I KNEW what was normal - how did my 'normal' get so messed up.

Astonishing, isn't it? So very painful too.

At one of my check ups during my first pregnancy the midwife said she was concerned that I had too much amniotic fluid. There could be something wrong with my baby's swallowing function. I had to beg the sad clown to come with me (he only came to the 2 ultrasounds, never to any appointments).

We arrive early and wait 2 hours - the woman I was told to meet wasn't in yet. The sad clown spent the whole time not comforting me or calming me down but telling me off because he had to get back to work. About an hour in he said he'd have to leave. I told him if he left me now to face this on my own and potentially hear some terrible news about our baby then he was a fucking arsehole.

She was fine. All was forgotten.

I begged him to stay with me in the hospital on the first night she was born (I had a private room with a double bed) - I was scared, I needed his support. His mum was staying with us and he told me he couldn't leave her alone - plus the boys were coming over for beers. I grabbed his arm and begged him to stay. He shook me off. I wept all over my newborn baby all night long.

The memory of it still brings me to tears. HE begged me to have children. Begged. All he ever wanted was to be a dad. Then this.

Be gentle with yourself. These realisations can hit you like a tonne of bricks. I too suppressed many such incidents myself. Separately my brain could gaslight myself about them - collectively they made me want to punch myself in the face.

These bastards are beyond reproach. Unforgiven because they are unforgivable.

GreatRoleModel posted 4/23/2014 05:58 AM

Part of it, for me, is realizing that WH never loved me unconditionally. I think he loved me in his own way. But it was conditional.

Ditto for me we even had a talk about this before he made the decision to leave. He told me he didn't believe in unconditional love... funny though that is exactly what he is expecting from the kids now since his grand plan of two happy "homes" is not coming to fruition and according to his fantasy life.

Softcentre posted 4/23/2014 07:40 AM

Yes. Conditional love...but I wonder if he even loved us at all on that day? That truck was heading for me, bump and toddler ds. I do believe a miracle happened(there simply wasn't room for us and the truck) for the car to not have been totalled and everyone, except The Arse, killed or badly didn't stop until yards further on down the road.

I've realised that I have felt that The Arse has NEVER been protective towards me and not much towards the kids. It's not that I need it, but that I think he simply isn't that I'm not that important to him. I have often thought that if I were ever threatened physically, The Arse would not have lifted a finger to help me. As a priest, I do sometimes find myself in vulnerable positions and had someone to ring if in trouble. That person was never The Arse

[This message edited by Softcentre at 7:40 AM, April 23rd, 2014 (Wednesday)]

renee21 posted 4/23/2014 08:19 AM

I can relate and understand why this triggered you.

Mine never attended a sonogram, two weren't his fault but with our 3rd, work was more important. I found out about the OC during the last pregnancy. So needless to say I started having complications and went into preterm labor almost 6 weeks out. They ordered me to labor and delivery due to dangerous high blood pressure, he couldn't miss work to come up there either. I was the only woman there without the father. Drove myself out of there against doctors orders.

I see a common trend here of WH selfishness with all of our stories, and it's not a surprise.

Dallas2 posted 4/23/2014 09:12 AM

This story touched my heart and brought pain to it.
I have to have surgery next week and my supportive FWH asked if I could have it on Friday so he wouldn't miss any work. He doesn't consider I am scared to death and would've liked for him to show me some concern.

One more reason for him to become and EXH.

Softcentre posted 4/23/2014 09:31 AM

It's so sad that this is yet another common theme in some of our WS. Sending hugs to those who feel the pain.

cmego posted 4/23/2014 10:03 AM

Oh, one of my worse memories is of when I was 2.5 weeks postpartum with my 2nd. I had a 2 year old at home, I had been on bed rest most of the pregnancy because I was so sick and I had just had a c-section.

I will never forget. I was 17 days postpartum. Ex was to have taken off a month to help me, since I couldn't lift or drive yet. He walked into the bedroom that morning, looked at me and said, "There is a very important meeting I need to go to at work. I'll be home this afternoon."

A 2 year old. An infant. Me at 17 days postpartum from a horrible c-section and pregnancy. And he left. Now, I'm pretty sure he went to see AP.

I remember crying so hard I couldn't speak. I just laid there in pain, bleeding and overwhelming sadness for my life... and that was the first time I can remember thinking I needed to leave him. 3.5 months later I needed to have an emergency hysterectomy.

GreatRoleModel posted 4/23/2014 10:26 AM

((hugs)) to you all

I was going into labor at home with our first child and he asked if he could work out first before we went to the hospital. I just looked at him and said NO. What an ASS his workouts always trumped family time and our needs.

deena posted 4/23/2014 11:15 AM

All of these stories sound so sad.

They also sound like it happens with SO's that have a big "ME" complex.

It is things that will make them "look good" to others that is more important, whether it is work, (that they can have others see and get praise from), working out so that they can look "awesome" to others, etc
It all comes down to what others can see them do. What makes them LOOK GOOD to others.

My WH is a work driven appreciation person. His family doesn't bring in the money. He liked to control things and owning a company gave him that control. He worked long hours so that people could comment on how much he worked. He likes to throw around money, he likes to own fancy big shot stuff to show off how well he is doing (this is something that embarrasses me) and usually stuff that is his and not family shared

They just don't realize how people are really talking behind their back. People see how they consider material things as more important than their family. I don't know how many times I had to defend his being away at work so much and me having to do all the work around the house and with the kids, to others. People see and realize.

I have many many stories that hurt where work would over ride family. Once was when I had to wait over the weekend to have my dead twins taken out on the Monday. Yep he went out of town for work and left me to handle it on my own. Even after the dr said that there is a chance I could abort at home. I ended up freaking out, scared that I would lose the babies at home alone, that I went into the hospital Sunday morning. I couldn't be alone another night.

This is maybe what led W's to cheat, at least I believe was the case with mine,......they thought they deserved it in some way.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 11:31 AM

At least now you know what you deserve. I am so sorry you haven't had it in the past.


nomoreblueskies posted 4/23/2014 11:36 AM

Such sad, sad stories. Sending ((hugs)) to everyone.

When I was giving birth to my second son, I came down from Planet Entonox to find my husband selling the midwife a pension. Like he was completely emotionally detached.

It is strange how we manage to justify such hurtful, selfish behaviour. Then one day the lights go on and we realise how unacceptable it is.

nomoreblueskies posted 4/23/2014 11:36 AM

Double post

[This message edited by nomoreblueskies at 11:37 AM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

kiki1 posted 4/23/2014 11:51 AM


You are not alone. My wh gave me crumbs for years and I am so codependent that I thought i was happy with it all.

Many, many examples of being brushed off as you described by him and me not grasping that it indicated his lack of feeling for me. I kept right on loving him.

The good news though, is that now we do know and we can make the corrections on ourselves. Dont beat yourself up over truly loving someone and missing the signs. I was in for the long haul, so that meant overlooking "faults" so not to make an issue.

I'm sorry for your hurt, hugs

nowiknow23 posted 4/23/2014 12:16 PM

And now I'm sitting here crying, wondering how I didn't realise before...and exactly when he stopped caring about me and our children. And what depths of codependency was I in, to not see how screwed up this situation was?
You weren't in a place where you could process it before. With a toddler and another on the way? Your focus was naturally on them.

But now your focus is different, and your mental and emotional state are stronger. You are able to examine things and see them more clearly. I'm sorry you are hurting, but please know that those tears are a necessary part of processing and reconciling what you thought you knew with what you now know. It is progress and it's healthy, even though it's painful.


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