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CantBeUndone posted 4/23/2014 07:44 AM

Before yesterday, I hadn't seen or talked to AP since July 2013. I had heard things here and there about him through mutual acquaintances but aside from that had no idea what was going on with him or what he was up to. I work in retail and yesterday I was working with one other person. I looked up and in he walked. I had no idea what to do. I wish I had talked to BH about what I should do in that situation before it happened. Had I run into him on the street somewhere, I would've walked by or if he tried to initiate conversation, I would've let him know to never speak to me again. As it was, the guy I was working with didn't know AP and obviously doesn't know about the A. I didn't feel like I could escape without making a scene or making it super awkward.

He stayed for about 20 minutes talking and the whole time I was just thinking. Why are you here? What the hell was I thinking? Seriously, how could I have been so incredibly delusional??? There is absolutely nothing attractive about this guy. And I was angry. First and foremost, I don't want to speak to him because it's disrespectful to my BH. Secondly, AP treated me badly. If we'd had a normal dating relationship, I would never want to speak to him again because he's just an a-hole. So I have no idea why he stopped by and acted like he was an old friend. I was never alone with him, it was just the 3 of us sitting by the cash register. I wasn't overly friendly but I wasn't rude either.

I sent BH a text as soon as it happened. Obviously, it was upsetting for him. I asked him how I should've handled it and he didn't know. After the fact, I thought I might've said that I was going to get coffee and just left and waited until he left to come back but BH said he was concerned he might've followed me out. I don't know if he would've or wouldn't. The A ended over a year ago, he's got a gf so it's not like he was looking to restart anything. I think he's honestly stupid enough to think it's been long enough that we could be friends.

It was just a slap in the face to see standing there in front of me the thing I was willing to throw everything away for. Shame and regret just washed over me. How could I have been so stupid? Literally if I had met him at any other time in my life, ANY OTHER TIME, nothing would've happened. I was in such a bad place when I met AP and was just such a giant mess. And to know I have no one to blame but my own stupid self. BH and I talked about the A last night and I just don't know how I could've been so selfish and horrible. And I was HORRIBLE. Looking back now, I don't even know that person. How I could've been so self centered and entitled. It's hard to live with myself. As much as I've changed since then, that WAS me. I was that person. I could live the rest of my life like Mother Teresa and it wouldn't change who I was. That is always me. I have a hard time with that. I wonder if redemption is really possible, not in a religious sense, but just in relationships. My BH will always see me as a cheater. And the fact is, that's what I'll always be. Doesn't matter if I am faithful for the rest of my life. Well, I mean, it does to me. I want to be able to not be ashamed when I look in the mirror. But in my relationship with my husband, I'll always be the person capable of doing that.

Sorry, for the pity party. I'm just feeling so powerless and wish more than anything I could go back and do it again (as most of us do I think.)

Deeply Scared posted 4/23/2014 08:44 AM

Well, the good news is that you told your H right away and you both talked about it...that's a very big positive step

What I would suggest is that you both come up with an action plan on how to handle if this happens again. This way you won't be caught off guard. Rehearse it and be prepared

Aubrie posted 4/23/2014 09:18 AM

Oh yuck.

I can understand the shock, horror, and disbelief of seeing AP. That is my worst nightmare.

I agree with DS. Talk about it with your husband. Make a plan. Now that AP knows you're there, and now that he has gotten to sit down and "chat", he's sure to come back.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/23/2014 09:42 AM

Ugh. Tough situation. Was an NC letter ever written? As in NC forever? If not, would you be able to get one to him now somehow?

CantBeUndone posted 4/23/2014 14:29 PM

Ugh. Tough situation. Was an NC letter ever written? As in NC forever? If not, would you be able to get one to him now somehow?

There wasn't a NC letter. AP moved and things just got kind of ugly and then I told him not to contact me again at the end of April 2013. Like I said, he was not a nice person. I was a mess through the summer, drinking excessively, crying all the time. I was miserable, disgusted with myself and sure my marriage was over. We were on the verge of divorce (without BH knowing for sure about the A, although he suspected something had happened.) In October, something happened, I don't know what, a switch clicked and I suddenly realized that I had to tell BH. That our marriage might end if I told him but it definitely would if I didn't because I couldn't live with that secret any more. Because of things going on in our life at the time, I wanted until the beginning of January to tell him. October-December I was in IC.

AP doesn't know that my BH knows. I asked BH if it would helpful if contacted AP. He said he doesn't know, that it might just make him mad. I'm on the fence about it because clearly AP isn't remorseful, if he was, he wouldn't want to run into me. But on the other hand, I think it might be good that he knows that I told BH everything that happened. I don't know, I wish he would just disappear and stay out of my life forever, so I hate the thought of telling him anything.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/23/2014 14:44 PM

Then as a suggestion, write an NC letter together. It may be therapeutic for both of you. May give you both a chance of getting your input into the situation. Together. Don't make it lengthy, but enough so that you both get your point across. See if you can get it to him. Or if you can't or don't want to bother seeking him out, keep it in your pocket until he returns. Then give it to him if he approaches you again. Say read this before you speak another word to me. Make him go outside if he's there with the sole purpose of talking to you. Just thinking out loud that it may be a plan for next time and it's something that you can do together and get control of the situation together. Just a suggestion anyway.

Skan posted 4/23/2014 18:38 PM

I'd second a NC letter from both you and your BH, telling AP that you do not wish him to contact you ever again and that any further attempt at contact will be considered to be harassment. Then I'd tell your co-worker that you have a bad history with AP and should he come back to the place that you work, you would prefer if he took care of AP and that you might have to go elsewhere while AP is in the store lest you be harassed. At least that will give your co-worker a head's up if AP walks in again.

brokeback posted 4/23/2014 18:52 PM

However you choose to do it I think you need to send XAP a clear, firm message that he overstepped his bounds and is NOT welcomed in your life. I think it's also a good idea to let him know your H is aware of the situation. Thus, ending delusional fantasies he may have of rekindling. Personally, I think it's about control and more ego boosting.

Your work is your safe place and now you have the burden of feeling the discomfort of doing your job, while in the back of your mind worrying if he will casually pop in again. That's unacceptable.

You'll need to be firm. Harassment, stalking, restraining order - all work nicely.

Good luck. Kudos for sharing with your husband.

[This message edited by brokeback at 6:53 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

CantBeUndone posted 4/24/2014 12:44 PM

Personally, I think it's about control and more ego boosting.

I think you hit the nail on the head. I think that's exactly what it's about. I don't think he's looking to or even interested in rekindling anything. I think he was looking for some ego stroking. On the plus side, out of the fog and back in reality, I saw him in a totally different light. There is not one thing I find attractive about him and have no idea how I could've been so blinded. I'm a half way intelligent woman, what the hell was I thinking??

Mostly, I just wish there was a reset button. I find myself most days wishing we could just move far away and start over again. A new fresh start. But of course, all of this would follow us anywhere we moved, there's no fresh start, just figuring out how to live with this mess I made for us.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 13:07 PM

Trust me, I hear you with moving and starting all over again.

I even get the crazy urge to repaint every room in the house once in a while. My wife and I talk a lot about buying a new house, not to run away from the A, but to start over fresh.

The only way to live in the mess we made is to live in it...everyday. To sink our heels in it and to feel thankful and blessed to still have our spouses with us each morning we wake and each night we drift to sleep.

We face it, GF. Time will help us heal. I'm banking on that.

Hang in there.

BB

bionicgal posted 4/24/2014 13:40 PM

Can't be:
Look, not to put too fine a point on it, but your old AP is probably just dumb and clueless. Also, you could have/should have been "rude." Why not?

I don't think you need to send a NC, I think you need to not talk to AP if he comes in your store again. If he is seeking you out, then yes - NC. But, I am surprised that you are somewhat offended by his behavior, and you sat there and acted as if everything was a-ok. Why not go find a plant to water or a toilet to scrub if he comes in again? Because really, you didn't leave - and that is just a teensy-weensy opening of the window that is supposed to be shut.

Glad you felt icky about him, but IMHO it was not enough on your part. Prepare for what you'll do next time, and stop putting the blame on the AP. It took 2 (and in this case 3) to tango.

timidhope posted 4/24/2014 14:12 PM

I'm happy for you that you see the AP for who he is and it sounds like you're out of the fog. I felt similarly when I was last contacted and it was a relief to know deep down, it's so over. I didn't care for him anymore, he is a reminder of how self absorbed I was and the skewed reasoning in my head that allowed me to spawn all the justifications I thought I needed to go hurt my significant other.

After the affair ended, I felt this need to protect my job and reputation at work, and part of that meant treating the AP in a professional manner. But always have respect for yourself. Walk away from situations that compromise your integrity and self respect. Do the minimum that is required of your job and excuse yourself from anything that hurts you or sends any mixed messages to the former AP.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 14:16 PM

Clearly he is "seeking" her out or he wouldn't have entered her store in the first place.

Why wait for a second time. Nip it in the bud now, so you don't have to wait/worry for him to show up again. That is if you feel that way at all.

You didn't have to be rude in your place of employment and then have to explain to your coworker what's going in your personal life. Your married business is your private business, period.

Perhaps you could have followed him out and said, don't do that again. I don't ever want to see you? But if not, find a way to handle it now that best suits you and your husband.

You know what's right for you to do in this situation. No one else.