SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

sparkle09 posted 4/23/2014 08:54 AM

Having a hard time today as my WH has to go into his office where OW is. He will only be there an hour or so because he has to go to the lab but its so hard. He works from home but does have to go to the plant every now and then. I find myself questioning whether or not he wants to R because there are still some very critical things he has yet to do. Its been ab 4 months

He HAS:
Started IC
Went to Psychiatrist - Diag Bipolar 2
Started Meds
Apologizes constantly
Got a new job starts 5/15
Seems remorseful sometimes
Ended things with OW- He called her in front of me and went to HR to admit to affair and turn her in for trying to blackmail him
Been to MC a couple of times - Im not ready yet
Has never blamed me blames himself
Given me full access to email /phone

What he HAS NOT done:
Given me phone records I asked for
Given me hotel records I have asked for
He is still uncomfortable talking ab details of affair gets defensive
Does not know how to handle me when I have a hard time gets mad at me for ruining a good day or a good moment
Has told me to just not think ab it

This has been so hard! He does apologize after the fact but he is just not there yet. Is he still in the FOG? Is it his Bipolar? I really dont think he is still seeing OW but I think maybe there is more I dont know about or he is just scared to hit me with more bombshells out of fear Ill leave him. He cries to me and tells me Im such a good person he hates himself and I didnt deserve this.

karmahappens posted 4/23/2014 13:31 PM

I am sorry sparkle, I don't have experience with a BP H, but I wanted to let you know you have been heard, and acknowledge this is hard and it seems to take forever.

Maybe bumping this up someone with BP experience can help.

Hang in there

(((hugs)))

sparkle09 posted 4/23/2014 17:38 PM

Thank you!

Lionne posted 4/23/2014 17:45 PM

I don't think his reluctance to give you the whole truth is a BP issue. Nor do I think he is still foggy. He's chicken, shamed, doesn't want to face the pain he's put you through. No excuses for that, but it's the reality of a WW.

Have him read, with you, "How to Help Your Spouse Heal From an Affair" Have him read "Joseph's Letter" in the healing library from this site. Let him know that not talking about it, helping you through the pain is NOT an option.

My SAFWH has BP too. I just don't see that as an excuse to still ignore your needs.

sparkle09 posted 4/23/2014 17:56 PM

Ive done all of that to no avail. Today he got mad at me for not having a good day. Says he doesnt see the point of us trying that I am never going to get over it and he doesnt even want to come home. I so sick of this cycle. Later he will apologize and say he wants to be there for me blah blah blah but he never comes through. Im stuck with him for a while at least. I just opened a business 6 months ago have no income he supports me and my business. Ive given him so many opportunities to prove himself to me and he fails me every time.

BeautifulEmpty posted 4/23/2014 20:30 PM

I am bipolar. I'm willing to give my thoughts on this.
I don't know your situation so I can only speak generally so bare with me.
First off, was he manic during the A?
Promiscuity of various types is pretty common during bipolar mania. It is a symptom, not necessarily a thought out choice.
I know no one wants to hear this but until you've had your life literally smashed into pieces and you cannot even remember how it happened...it's best not to go there.
Depending on the mania factor, he may be so ashamed of his behavior that he is desperately wishing it would go away.
I mean, we all know that many remorseful spouses feel that way, BP or not but for a BP who acted completely unlike themselves during a manic episode? It is severely unhinging.
I have periods from my first major episode that are so ridiculous, out of character and embarrassing, I can't talk about them...even with people who I know know because they witnessed it.
I won't go too far there as I don't have enough details but the shame associated with various issues with BP is some of the reason a large percentage end up killing themselves.
The cycle you mention in your last post sounds a bit like rapid cycling...up down up down fairly quickly...mood all over the place? Only you will know but if he hasn't already, it might do him a world of good to talk to a psychiatric ARNP.
It is hard...many wayward behaviors are present but you can't tell if that's what you are seeing or is it manic irritability or what.
I'm sorry you find yourself in this mess but having some talks with an MC who understands bipolar might be helpful.
I know a lot of people don't recommend MC early on and usually, I agree BUT when you are dealing with mental illness, it's a different ball game and whether you stay or go, being able to sort it out with someone who really understands can be extremely helpful.

pain822 posted 7/10/2014 04:36 AM

It may seem off but have you been able to figure out why he had an LTA especially during such a special time in your life? What does he say about it?