It's been a week since I cheated, and I still have 5 days or so before I can confess, in person, to my BBF.
However, the memory of my ONS is starting to fade. When I called it a 'horrible nightmare I wish I could wake up from" I meant it, but I never once thought I could begin to forget about what I have done.
It really does feel like just a dream. and if I didn't have the intense guilt in my stomach, or a friend to confirm it, then I would assume it was a dream.
I don't want to forget that his happened. Ever. I need to remember this. I need to remember that this happened, and that I did it, and how much pain it is causing me, but most importantly, how much it is going to hurt my BBF. I can't forget about this, cause then I run the risk of doing it all over again.
Every time I wake up, a feel as if the nightmare has slipped a little farther away, and maybe it really was just that. maybe it's something I could actually forget about and move on, and no one would have to know.
I have also recently had 2 more people, close to me, tell me not to confess. That it was simply a mistake and so long as I learn from it and swear to never do it again, I should simply forget about it.
I can't do that though...
my BBF means more to me then that. He deserves to decide what kind of person he wants to spend his life with. I realize I'm already acting differently towards him, I think he suspects something, he just doesn't know what. because I don't think he thinks I am capable of doing what I did.
I've been texting more, telling him that I love him more, and just, not being myself. so I know he knows something is not right.
I've also had dreams lately, of the confession.
The worst dreams are where he just accepts it, and says it doesn't matter. He tells me he knew already (although thats impossible) and that he has accepted it, and is over it, and he forgives me. I hate those. Because I deserve for him to get mad at me, and yell and scream and hate me.
I also have dreams that consist of him telling me everything is fine, and we will be fine. - thats what he always tells me. Whenever something bad happens in our relationship, or we hit a bump, he always tells me we will get through it together, no matter what, we will be ok.
a part of me hopes he will say that when I do confess, cause it's what I want to hear, but I also know he will be deeply hurt, and that he will no say that. I know he will be furious. But I'm also worried he won't show it. Because he does not show his emotions. or talk about them. He bundles them up and hides them and then breaks down 5-10 years later.
There are so many ways he could react to my confession, and every single one I can think of scares me, all in different ways. I wish there was a way to tell him, without hurting him.