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HorribleGF posted 4/23/2014 10:43 AM

It's been a week since I cheated, and I still have 5 days or so before I can confess, in person, to my BBF.
However, the memory of my ONS is starting to fade. When I called it a 'horrible nightmare I wish I could wake up from" I meant it, but I never once thought I could begin to forget about what I have done.
It really does feel like just a dream. and if I didn't have the intense guilt in my stomach, or a friend to confirm it, then I would assume it was a dream.
I don't want to forget that his happened. Ever. I need to remember this. I need to remember that this happened, and that I did it, and how much pain it is causing me, but most importantly, how much it is going to hurt my BBF. I can't forget about this, cause then I run the risk of doing it all over again.
Every time I wake up, a feel as if the nightmare has slipped a little farther away, and maybe it really was just that. maybe it's something I could actually forget about and move on, and no one would have to know.
I have also recently had 2 more people, close to me, tell me not to confess. That it was simply a mistake and so long as I learn from it and swear to never do it again, I should simply forget about it.
I can't do that though...
my BBF means more to me then that. He deserves to decide what kind of person he wants to spend his life with. I realize I'm already acting differently towards him, I think he suspects something, he just doesn't know what. because I don't think he thinks I am capable of doing what I did.
I've been texting more, telling him that I love him more, and just, not being myself. so I know he knows something is not right.
I've also had dreams lately, of the confession.
The worst dreams are where he just accepts it, and says it doesn't matter. He tells me he knew already (although thats impossible) and that he has accepted it, and is over it, and he forgives me. I hate those. Because I deserve for him to get mad at me, and yell and scream and hate me.
I also have dreams that consist of him telling me everything is fine, and we will be fine. - thats what he always tells me. Whenever something bad happens in our relationship, or we hit a bump, he always tells me we will get through it together, no matter what, we will be ok.
a part of me hopes he will say that when I do confess, cause it's what I want to hear, but I also know he will be deeply hurt, and that he will no say that. I know he will be furious. But I'm also worried he won't show it. Because he does not show his emotions. or talk about them. He bundles them up and hides them and then breaks down 5-10 years later.

There are so many ways he could react to my confession, and every single one I can think of scares me, all in different ways. I wish there was a way to tell him, without hurting him.

yearsofpain25 posted 4/23/2014 12:12 PM

I have read all your posts GF. I've been touched by your story. I can't stress to you enough that you are truly doing the right thing and I know you know it regardless of what other people say. Keep in mind there is really no way of knowing how he is going to react. That reaction could also change every minute. We call it the roller coaster around here and when he gets on all of those emotions are going to be intense. One way or the other. Whether he shows it or not.

This:

Because he does not show his emotions. or talk about them. He bundles them up and hides them and then breaks down 5-10 years later.

The 25 in my user is because I didn't deal with any of the shit in my life until 25 years later and now I'm having to deal with all of it at once as my coping mechanisms eventually failed me. I can relate. I wish I had a magic bullet for you but there isn't one.

You have received excellent advice in all your threads. If there is one thing I want you to know, that as you are telling him, you are not alone. That both the WS and BS are there with you because it is the right thing to do. I know it's scary as all hell, but we will stand with you.

Good luck to you GF.

yop

HorribleGF posted 4/23/2014 13:23 PM

Thank you, I needed to hear that. I'm glad I've found such an amazing and supporting community. and I will definitely be recommending my BBF to it if he needs it. Sometimes it's easier to get things out when no one knows who you are. For all I know, my best friend, grandmother, cousin or teachers could be reading this. and that's what I like. It's anonymous, and you feel safe and welcomed here.

I'm so upset with myself, because I know that our trust has been broken. And it's horrible, because it's taken me these 3.5 years to get him to be fully open and honest with me. He does talk about feelings and what not more now then he did at the beginning of our relationship, but he does still hide things.
He suffered greatly as a boy with loss in his life, and it took me months to get him to talk to me about it, as he had told no one his feelings about it. He had been forced into counselling, but he never talked then either. He had 9 years of pent up anger and emotion when I met him. and now he's a different person. I'd like to believe he is happier now. But I hate that I'm going to crush him in a couple days. and bring him right back down to the first step. Back to not trusting anyone and keeping everything inside. I feel horrible for what I've done..

10yearsafter posted 4/23/2014 14:45 PM

GF,

Do not forget what you did. I know you wish you could. I see that you tell yourself you won't forget. If you begin to put this in the back of your mind so soon it will come back to haunt you later.

I am not saying dwell on what happened. Remember what you did it was not a dream. I have counselled people who tell me "It does not seem real I just can't believe it happened". They box it up and store it away only to realize months or years down the road that they did not face it and deal with it.

Don't be that person. Talk to a counselor. Try to understand what is going on.

LAFA posted 4/23/2014 17:23 PM

GF, I strongly recommend that you journal that time of your infidelity, so that memories of it do not get fuzzy. Then when he inevitably has questions, you will have completely honest and complete answers for him. Wishing you and him peace in time.