SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Why is it bothering me so much again?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 13:17 PM

May need a 2x4 or so. Seems I know what to tell others in this situation, but can't seem to believe it myself.

I don't know why exactly, but for some reason today I've been plagued with agonizing thoughts of my stbxww in a relationship with someone else. It's not like d-day intense, but there is still that pit in my stomach again and an ache in my heart. It's not like I don't know that her being with someone else is very possible. Regardless of what she said about the A being over and her "needing to be alone," her track record for honesty is lacking to say the least. Then again, that statement was over 2 months ago and may have been true at the time, but not anymore. I have gone back-and-forth on what would be easier for me to accept - that she cheated and left to be with someone else, or that she cheated, ended the A, and still wanted nothing to do with me. Neither scenario is exactly comforting for me.

Regardless, I know it really doesn't matter as far as my healing and the life ahead of me. The D is happening. She cheated and she left. Whether or not she is in a relationship with anyone doesn't change anything, and I know this. So why is it bothering me so intensely again, and seemingly out-of-the-blue? I did venture it to JFO for the first time in a while; maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was to support folks there yet. I don't know what it is...

norabird posted 4/23/2014 13:27 PM

Why? Because it hasn't even been four months and your D isn't final and you're human! I might also back off on JFO if you think it brought too much to the surface, that does trigger some.

Gently though, it does not matter anymore if she is alone or if she dates. Knowing her track record, her really working on herself in healthy isolation is unlikely; but you are going to have to accept that it is no longer your concern.

I know that's hard. I try not to think about what he may or may not be doing now, especially since I know that the likely way he is behaving is pretty damn awful. The heart just takes time to catch up to the reality of the situation. There is nothing wrong with you that this is the case, and yet it's also something you do have to work to let go thinking about. It's no longer relevant and only hurts you to ponder it, so try not to.

deena posted 4/23/2014 13:45 PM

It is still a fresh wound for you. You would have to be a very cold person for it not to still affect you.

It has been longer for me and I have no feelings left anymore for WH (well maybe there will always some remnants), but I still feel that pain of thinking of him being with someone else while I am alone. He did the damage and I suffer!! No it is not fair and that is hard.
But I think of how I know life with him would be and it is not something I want in any way. I know it would turn me into a bitter suspicious person and I do not want that. I want to be relaxed, calm and happy again. I want to be able to trust people again.
It is these thoughts and the thoughts of his bad parts that keep me going.
We will separate....I will be happy again!!

Give yourself time. Yes it does get easier.

(((((MadeOfScars))))))))

[This message edited by deena at 1:45 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 14:33 PM

Thanks norabird and deena. I know it hasn't been that long yet and I really wish this process had a fast-forward button at times. Like I said, it's probably a mix of JFO coupled with a dream I had last night. She'd actually been appearing less and less in my dreams, but last night, we were fully R'd and happy as we'd ever been. I saw the smile that used to melt my heart so many times before, the one that told me "you're the love of my life." That smile has been gone for a while now - it left well before d-day. It may be someone's else's smile now, and I have to accept that, and moreover, just stop giving it thought best I can.

I'd like to think that before I know it, I may see that smile again - just on another's face. That smile hopefully won't disappear in the midst of trials and tribulations. Until then, the smile I want back more than any other is my own. That's what I should focus on.

[This message edited by MadeOfScars at 2:35 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

7yrsflushed posted 4/23/2014 14:44 PM

I went through this for awhile myself. I already knew stbxww was capable of fucking other people because of the A's. Still took time for me to fully wrap my head around that. Why am I jealous or upset about her potentially dating again. She already did it during the M and now that we are getting a D it really doesn't matter. Easy to say but it takes time to internalize it. My stbx also likes to tell people she "left". I started correcting her and others. My stbxw had an A and I filed for D. So the reality is she fucked other dudes, I found out, filed for D, and left her. This is why I personally believe in being the one to file. for me that little bit of knowledge was power. I filed for D so legally I left her ass.

It's still fresh MOS, it does get easier the further out you get. Keep focusing on you and I encourage you to stop saying "she left you". She cheated on you and you divorced her for it. That is your truth whether you see it now or not. Don't allow her rewriting of history to become your story.

ETA: You will smile again. It doesn't feel like it right now but take it from me and others that have been where you are. Things do get better and your life returns to normal. It's a different normal but it does become normal again and you WILL be happy again. I/We know because so many of us are here as proof of that.

[This message edited by 7yrsflushed at 3:07 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 14:59 PM

I filed for D so legally I left her ass.

I don't know why I haven't thought of it this way before. I too was the one who filed (and really put any effort into the D) so yeah, I left her. I left her! Why? Because I don't put up with shit like she pulled. She doesn't deserve me

I know I'm gonna have to go back and re-read this many times in the coming weeks and months, but I appreciate the new perspective.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 15:04 PM

No wonder you are upset--what a sad reminder that dream was. Keep working on getting your smile back and it will come again.

I dreamt about my ex this week and in the dream I realized I had to break up with him as I knew he was hitting on someone else off-stage in the dream. Then I ended up in conversation with Dwayne Wade. It was a very entertaining dream! May you have one of these sometime soon.

7yrsflushed posted 4/23/2014 15:05 PM

so yeah, I left her. I left her! Why? Because I don't put up with shit like she pulled. She doesn't deserve me
It's all in the perspective man! Find the things that keep you going forward no matter how big or small and cling to them until you find the next thing to pull you forward. All of it builds over time until you reach indifference.

MadeOfScars posted 4/23/2014 15:22 PM

Then I ended up in conversation with Dwayne Wade. It was a very entertaining dream! May you have one of these sometime soon.

It is playoff time. Not sure if that's why DWade was in your dream though, but regardless, that sounds far more entertaining. I've had random dreams where I'm signing with the Rockets or Spurs, but I can't seem to explain to them that I have no business on an NBA court - they just want to give me millions of dollars for some reason. That'd be nice I suppose.

It's all in the perspective man! Find the things that keep you going forward no matter how big or small and cling to them until you find the next thing to pull you forward. All of it builds over time until you reach indifference.

Slowly but surely I'm getting there. I had a friend recently add some perspective for me. I'd been feeling like I really hadn't accomplished anything since d-day, like I had all these things I intended to do or pursue and hadn't really made any progress. My friend pointed out that (1) I filed for D, (2) I joined this group and even went to a g2g already,(3) it was obvious I'd been keeping up with working out and eating better,(4)I was hanging out with him and other close married friends even though they know it's hard for me and (5) I just seemed to be feeling better than I had in some time. All of this in ~3 months. It really helped, as did your input here

Whalers11 posted 4/23/2014 18:15 PM

I am years out and I still get hit with that pang once in a while. I have no idea who or what my ex is doing, beyond OW. And I think that fizzled out for good at the end of 2011. I have no knowledge or proof that he's been with anyone else since - but it's hard to believe he wouldn't be. He has hopped from relationship to relationship for the last 25 years. He's NEVER been single for any length of time.

I think for me, it bothers me because it's unfair. I am a great partner and can't so much as even get one date. And here's this asshole who never has trouble finding a woman.

It doesn't bother me much anymore - just once in a while the sting is still there.

Lola2kids posted 4/23/2014 20:36 PM


I think for me, it bothers me because it's unfair. I am a great partner and can't so much as even get one date. And here's this asshole who never has trouble finding a woman.

This is exactly right^^^^

deena posted 4/24/2014 08:21 AM

He has hopped from relationship to relationship for the last 25 years

There is also this. Does he really have anything???

Whalers11 posted 4/24/2014 19:52 PM


He has hopped from relationship to relationship for the last 25 years

There is also this. Does he really have anything???

Well, I jut meant there is not much time between relationships for him - not that he is with someone different every week. 25 years would put him back to his teens. He was with me for almost 12 years. The girl before me was for several years. The girl before that was around for several years as well... OW even got a couple years out of him.

My ex does not have much. He has no job, he can't afford to live anywhere but with his parents, his car is a piece of crap and breaks down constantly, and he has no money left. But he has his daughter, who is an OC. And to him - she is everything. So it's hard for me to say he has nothing, as I know he loves being a father and she probably makes everything he's been through worth it.

homewrecked2011 posted 4/24/2014 20:05 PM

It hits me every now and then, also, so thank you for posting. I have to remind myself also (2 years out) that I found out and filed for D.

You might also look in the "I can relate" forum, there is a section there for Men whose wife cheated.

I also can barely go into JFO. It still triggers me, even after all this time.

Post here alot if you want, everyone wants to help each other....

RealityStinks posted 4/24/2014 21:01 PM

Hey buddy -
It bothers you because you're human and you care. From my experience, if you actually saw her with someone else, it may actually make it easier to move on. It did for me anyway. Back in February when I caught my STBX with her boy toy, it was the absolute worst day of my life. But it actually showed me that it was over between us. In a really messed up way that actually helped me move on. A big "ah ha moment". For a few weeks after that I was a bloody wreck, but now I'm doing fairly well. Pretty flipping fantastic actually. I'm getting back to me. Time really does heal all wounds. I still think about my STBX, but the time between thoughts keeps increasing. I've actually spoken with her a few times, and the amount of emotion that's there continually decreases. Now it's more of a friend than a wife.

I've rambled on enough. My point is: it bothers you because you care, but it will pass.

MadeOfScars posted 4/24/2014 21:53 PM

Thanks man, I appreciate it. Good to hear you're doing better too. I think I was just having a particularly tough day and it all just hit like a ton of bricks. I've grown to be fine overall with the idea that soon, I will have no reason to speak to her again. That's kind of more liberating now than sad, so that tells me that overall I'm progressing well, bad days be damned.

SI - have I mentioned you all are awesome? If not, well, you are.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy