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Trusting after 18 months. Not...

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Healinggirl posted 4/23/2014 15:04 PM

I'm approaching the18 month mark. The initial shock, numbness, horror, disbelief, etc, has gone. We were doing fine. He's been remorseful, repentant, doing all the right stuff.

Except for one very big thing..

I don't trust him further than I can spit. I don't believe a word that comes out of his mouth, even when my gut is telling me he's being truthful. In reality, I'm afraid of believing him because I trusted him before, when he gaslighted me, when I believed all of his lies. Now, I'm too scared, too terrified of missing something that would point to his deceitfulness again. Terrified of believing a lie. Terrified of trusting. Trust but verify, isn't that what we should all do?

But it's such a strain living like this. Such a strain feeling unsafe. Such a strain doubting whether staying was the right decision.

I thought it would get better. I thought time would heal, but it's just made me feel scared of staying with someone capable of such heinous deceit, whilst apparently he still loved me. Ha!

Guess thus is a vent. When they say 3 - 5 years, when does the trust come back? Does it ever?

[This message edited by Healinggirl at 3:08 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

annb posted 4/23/2014 15:18 PM

Hi, healinggirl, I just hit the nine year mark.

It took me about four years to really begin to trust that he would never do this again....mind you, my WH faced many, many consequences of his actions and dumped OW on D-Day, a different scenario than yours.

Having said that, my WH TT me to death, so although I believe he would never go down this path again, sometimes even today I question things he tells me as it was so easy for him to lie for so long.

I will never feel as safe in my marriage as I did before D-day. What we had was blind trust, something he no longer deserves from me nor can I ever give it again.

You will get there...18 months is really not a long time in the world of infidelity.

devasted30 posted 4/23/2014 16:55 PM

Hi Healinggirl
I understand what you are saying. I know my WS is so sorry for everything he did. He has a hard time to coming to terms with the him then. He doesn't understand how he could have done the things he did.
He lied and did it so well. For 7 years and I didn't have a clue. Even when I got anonymous letter. Didn't believe it BC I knew my WS was not capable of that type of behaviour. More fool,I
Do I trust him? Yes, I do. Should I? Probably not. I know how you feel B C when I get too sure of him, I kick myself and tell myself to smarten up.

hear-me-roar posted 4/23/2014 17:00 PM

I don't think complete trust will come back for me. After 7 years since Dday, a hope of trust is what I have in marriage. We have a new bond in marriage now. But, I can only hope that he is not contacting the OW from time-to-time.

When I discovered his affair, he told so many wacky lies to cover-up proven lies that it was almost comical what he twisted into a story. What he did make me believe is what a conman I had married. When he had the opportunity to fess-up, he just kept trying to lie out of it. The sad part of it, in retrospect, is that I don't think he could help himself. I think it was an automatic response for him to lie about it. And yes, I do wonder what I might have been lied to about in the 25 yrs. prior to Dday.

I know some here were fortunate to have a forthright explanation of the affair circumstance, from the start. That is not to understate your pain of an affair. But, probably most are just like me. That is why, I live in 'hope' of trust. There is a maybe trust that is building again, but it is not the same. And, why should it be, we are not the same.

Healinggirl posted 4/23/2014 17:23 PM

The truth is that things are settling down now but I'm questioning whether I want to spend the rest of my life knowing I'm basically on my own, this person may not have my best interests at heart.

I'm having to second guess his every move. I make myself open his mail, fearing that at any time he could by lying to my face like he did before.

Today I discovered, not a second phone, but an invoice for a second number when I opened his mail. So I phoned this unfamiliar number and he answered. His explanation was that it was a work phone, but he'd lost it, so he got any calls from that number transferred through to his regular phone. The invoice basically showed that no calls had been made from it. He showed me other invoices going back months, all clean.

He showed me enough paperwork to prove he was telling the truth, but you know what? I don't care. I want to be with someone I can trust, not someone I have to keep checking up on all the time.

I know life is never perfect, but, and I would never, ever say this to his face, but I now feel I've settled for second best, over D.

This is the only place that I could ever admit this. In my life I put on an act that everything is great, we're ok. But it's not, it's really not.

Healinggirl posted 4/23/2014 17:50 PM

Thank you for your replies. I'm finding year two harder because the reality is finally sinking in. Before D Day I had no idea what he was capable of. Now I know that I can be compartmentalised, not given a single thought, and that really frightens me.

What my future holds really frightens me if I choose to stay.

Skan posted 4/23/2014 18:26 PM

I'm 20 months out. Trust. I look at that word I just typed and think, Trust.

I trust that he knows that if it happens again, I am gone.
I trust that I am strong enough to walk.
I trust that he is working hard to be trustworthy.
I trust that our connection is one that we are both working on every day.

But do I truly, really to the depth, trust him.

I guess the fact that I hesitate to answer, is the answer. I don't know if that overriding trust that he is always my soft place to fall, will ever come back. I just don't know.

Healinggirl posted 4/24/2014 00:03 AM

Thanks Skan. So basically what I'm feeling is normal under the circumstances. That's reassuring to know.

I often feel like my love for him is fading away because of all this. I don't want it to, but perhaps he's dealt a fatal blow and our relationship is slowly dying. IDK, time will tell.

brokensmile322 posted 4/24/2014 07:52 AM

Healinggirl,

I think you are right on target for where you are time wise. I remember being where you are…still checking, still doubting, still not trusting. ITS.EXHAUSTING. and no way to live. It is not sustainable.

Do I trust my husband? Hmmm…not totally. But between 18-24 months, I started to let go of trying to control and I began TO TRUST MYSELF.

Like Skan, I know I will leave. Do I want to? No. Will I be sad? Yes. But something else happened in those last six months… I came to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control him, even checking on him doesn't guarantee he won't cheat again. I might know a little sooner if I checked everyday and was vigilant with every text etc… But it is no way to live. I will live happy. And if he does cheat again, I have come to accept that that is on him. I think I will feel sorry for him actually, but I know I will be ok.

[This message edited by brokensmile322 at 7:53 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

rachelc posted 4/24/2014 08:00 AM

I came to acceptance about the fact that I cannot control him, even checking on him doesn't guarantee he won't cheat again. I might know a little sooner if I checked everyday and was vigilant with every text etc… But it is no way to live. I will live happy. And if he does cheat again, I have come to accept that that is on him. I think I will feel sorry for him actually, but I know I will be ok.

exactly this. I'm tired of checking. I'm tired of everything. I checked 1000 times and everything was above level. IT took about two years. I care less now. And have put other things in my life above the fact that I could be hurt again. I think that's what has helped the most. I know this is tough. very tough...

TheBestMe posted 4/24/2014 08:59 AM

ITS.EXHAUSTING. and no way to live. It is not sustainable

Nope, will never trust him. My H is a pathological liar.

I do trust that if I am unhappy, I am out!

Derailed1 posted 4/28/2014 19:38 PM

It's only been 3 months for me.
Knowing that he continued to lie after D-Day to cover up the truth so I wouldn't leave is even harder. I find myself checking and rechecking also.
You'd think that I would be secure. He was into online cheating, and I'm a hacker. I've checked every account, root file, every image ever made on his PC and phone. Plus the fact that he knows nothing about computers, I KNOW LOGICALLY that he couldn't hide it from me even if he wanted to.
But I still don't trust him. I fear he's just being sneakier instead of being legit.
The only think that gets me through the hard times is knowing that I had a gut feeling, and through that found out the truth.
I may not trust him, but I trust myself to know when something isn't right.

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