Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I can't decide what to do..

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Jbluebird posted 4/23/2014 16:12 PM

I haven't posted my whole story on here (this is only the 2nd post) but here is my dilemma. My husband has finally came clean and told me all of his secrets for the past 3 years. It took 3 months of TT and he is now saying he has came clean with everything. He admitted a ONS with a girl and said he text her about a month later but never met up with her. I really want to contact this person and verify... but there is always a chance she may get angry and lie.. she did not know he was married and he said that was the first thing she wanted to make sure so maybe she will be angry with him but sympathize with me and be honest? WH says it's my choice but says I should feel he is honest because he gave the name and all the info knowing I may contact her. Says his fear is she may turn mean and hurtful to me or she cld lie and it may set me back... I don't know what to do.... help! Keep feeling like I might regret not verifying but scared it cld backfire and leave me more confused. ...

confused615 posted 4/23/2014 16:36 PM

I contacted AP. It was the best thing I did the day after dday. I got details FWH would never have given me...and it prompted FWH to correct a lie he told me on dday.

Im sorry You should NOT feel he is being honest...not yet. he has been lying and cheating for 3 years..and 3 more months of TT? No. He has a very long way to go before you should give him any trust. That has to be earned back...through honest, consistent, and remorseful actions.

Also, please be very careful. Considering how long it took him to tell you the "entire truth," chances are you still don't have it all.

If OW didn't know he was married, then I would absolutely call her. I would be calm, and explain who I was. I would also tell her I have no issue with her, I just need the truth. (Of course, I am saying what *I* would may hold her at fault also, which is your right.)

Chances are, if she truly didn't know he was/is married, she will be horrified for YOU and willing to give you the answers you need.

Im sorry, but it sounds to me as if he is scared she will tell you the truth. If she truly has no idea he is married, why would she be mean to you? If it was "just" a ONS for her, with a random guy, why would she be mean to his wife? him? Yeah, she probably will think he's a POS. But I can't imagine any single woman getting a call like that and not feeling empathy for the BW.

I'd contact her.

Hey....and welcome to SI.

ETA: I see you went through 2 years of false R with this man. The fact that he says he NOW has told you "everything" and that you should think he is being honest with you is very concerning. What work is he doing on himself? What is he doing to show you he wants to R?

[This message edited by confused615 at 4:39 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

Mochagurl posted 4/23/2014 17:22 PM

I told the last OW that my WH was married. He had told her he was divorced, but living in the same house as me. She was very mad and so sorry. But it didn't stop her from seeing my husband. Now when she gets mad at him, she will email me with the most recent details.

I am just saying, these OW are crazy and you never know what to expect.

I am glad I told her, but I could use much less drama in my life from them.

My WH will tell me he isn't seeing her, then she will give me details to let me know they are seeing each other.

Don't expect total honesty from either one of them..

Jbluebird posted 4/23/2014 17:41 PM

Thank you for your response. I am going to contact her I am in the process of figuring out what I will say. WH is now encouraging me to call her and being very open. We have had a lot of break thrus the past 2 days with our religious person and our MC. IC will be soon because we both have underlying deep issues.
He is being very open this ONS wasn't the only thing he admitted. There are other things I could verify too but this ONS was the most recent and important right now. Some of the stuff he told me was really hard. completed a time line which went back to the beginning of our relationship and really broke things down. He told me things he easily could have hid so it is a deposit of trust. Looks like I gotta see if his check will bounce!

Jbluebird posted 4/23/2014 20:46 PM

Update! I spoke with her and it has been verified. I feel good that he was completely honest and also that the OW now knows he's married (she made it clear before ONS she doesn't mess around with married men) I feel good too that if he should ever see her in public it will be uncomfortable. Sounds spiteful maybe but the truth can be ugly.

Ostrich80 posted 4/24/2014 02:02 AM

I will say. WH is now encouraging me to call her and being very open

I don't want to be Debbie Downer, but this complete turn around to contact her AND her being cool with giving you the info....this really makes me think he contacted her to get the stories to jive and to make him look like he was being honest. I
hope so bad I'm wrong.

Anyone else feel this or am I just overly suspicious??

My ws didnt want me to contact ow and.I waited instead of doing it immediately. By the time I got the courage to contact, there stories were completely matched..she totally had his back and tried to reassure me he was being truthful.

[This message edited by Ostrich80 at 2:04 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

StillLivin posted 4/24/2014 02:04 AM

Lie detector test!!!

confused615 posted 4/24/2014 05:56 AM

Yeah...he was adamant that you NOT call..tried to guilt you into not calling( "you should trust me")....then said he didn't want you to call for YOUR protection("she may be mean to you")....then suddenly he was all for it..and she had the exact same story?

I think he told her you were going to call.

I'd ask him to take a polygraph.

Im sorry.

Sadmumma posted 4/24/2014 06:38 AM

I'm with ostrich on this. I am very suspicious on the about face

Jbluebird posted 4/24/2014 11:31 AM

There is no way he could have contacted her. We have been attached at the hip for the past 3 days. And because of everything going on our phones stay together.
I see how it could seem by the way I wrote it but he was against me calling (said it was my choice) our religious person we seen also advised against contacting her. My H said he would support whatever I did he just wanted me to look into the possible outcomes (she could lie, get angry, hurt my feelings, who knows!) Talked to our MC about it she was on the fence and talked about the pros and cons. After that we sat down and talked about what I would say and once he realized I wasn't gonna come at her crazy (I have anger issues.) He said it would be good to call. There is no way the girl knew, she was caught way off guard and was angry for him lying to her. Apologized and then said I asked him a couple times if he was married and he said no, I even told him I hate cheaters. She said she had a feeling but just believed him. My husband said she could get upset because she was adamant that she doesn't mess with married men and he didn't know her reaction to his lie. If he got stories straight he would have encouraged from the beginning. He had to go through a thinking evaluating process.

doggiediva posted 4/24/2014 12:11 PM

Given that you were in false R for 2 years, I would proceed carefully..

Only time will tell your WH's motivations for staying and wanting to R..

Don't place any real trust in him until he earns it..

You should make sure you are legally and financially protected in case this R turns out to be false..

So that you can walk away with fewer complications if/ whenever you want to or need to..

Jbluebird posted 4/24/2014 12:16 PM

Yes its a baby step, and only a small deposit in an account that is way overdrawn.

I sill have a lot to look into and he has a lot to prove with time.

As far as protect in myself if this turns into another false R I am not sure what u mean. Like meeting with an attorney or something else I can do?

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.