I don't think she thinks I am trying.
A very important part of helping your BS heal is to answer questions truthfully without becoming defensive or angry, no matter how many times the same questions are asked over and over again.
We get it. Every time a question is asked and answered we WS's feel the pain of what we have done.
Your distraught BS is trying to process and make sense of this shit storm you have created for her. Your pain and shame is nothing in comparison to her pain.
This process of repeatadly asking and answering questions so your BS can come to terms with your cheating will take months, maybe years.
Ask yourself, are you up for it?
Can you be humble?
[This message edited by SlowUptake at 5:47 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
"Do not say a little in many words but a great deal in a few." Pythagoras
There are two kinds of people in the world.
Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data.
Think about it like this. Your BS is sat on the floor attempting to put together a puzzle. This puzzle has 100,000 pieces, you are holding all those pieces in your lap, handing her one piece at a time and only you can see the picture of the finished puzzle on the front of the box. While attempting the almost impossible task of putting together this puzzle, your BS also has concussion because you hit her over the head. She is confused, feeling physically sick, disorientated and isn't really sure who you are anymore.
She needs the answers to her questions to be given in a loving and understanding way. Show her the picture on the box, get down on the floor with her and help her put the puzzle together. Don't throw the pieces around the room in frustration because she's finding it difficult.
Be patient. Be loving. Help her.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. We can do this.
I find examining the route cause of my frustration helps. I remind myself that I'm not actually angry or frustrated with my BH, I'm angry and frustrated with myself for causing him this pain and sometimes being completely inept at helping him.
Do whatever it takes?
Whatever is takes may be patiently, calmly, humbly answering the same questions 100 times. For the next two months. Or two years.
Keep on working. You will be asked a thousand times by your BS. Just keeping answering and being honest. This is the hardest thing you'll ever go through. I'm only 15 months out but keep fighting every day. It's worth it.
Me - WW 41
Him - BH 41 (mpb1974)
2 Furrbabies - sweet cats
Met - 8/13/99
Started dating - 9/11/99
Moved in together - 3/03
Engaged - 6/5/09
Married - 8/21/10
D-Day - 1/24/13
Affair started 5/09
If it's what she needs, give it to her.
Look her in the eyes, tell her you shouldn't have lost your cool, take a deep breath and let her process what's happened again and again.
It's uncomfortable for you. It's hurtful for you. She feels all of that too, on top of feeling all over the place emotionally.
This is the time when you SIT and listen and speak when asked to speak. You are not in control. You are not dictating how this plays out. It's all about HER right now.
Give that to her. See where it takes you.
[This message edited by brokeback at 6:43 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]
I have so done this too. And I know it can be frustrating but as others have told you, it's what she needs. For me in the beginning I thought this was taking steps backwards and often times after I thought we had taken one forward. But only she gets to decide what she needs to hear and often times I after I got frustrated I would calm down and think " I said I would do whatever it takes and I am getting mad about her asking questions!" For me, when I thought about it, I wasn't mad at her for asking the same questions again as much as I was mad at what I did, how much I hated what I did, answering questions that made me feel lower then dirt. It hurt me to say and admit those things about myself. And all she is trying to do is understand and process. In the end, often those discussions, the ones that I have the most too, dug the deepest so to speak....probably helped her and I the most. It's hard when you wanna make ground and every question asked to you has a bad answer....I know. But, you can do this, you can do better, you will eventually be able to stop getting upset by the same questions when you stop making them about you and start making answering them again about her.
BrokenButTrying - I find examining the route cause of my frustration helps.
There are two scenarios for the WS; getting caught and confessing. I think that getting caught is tougher because you haven't really hit rock bottom, IMO. In other words, you weren't ready to go through this in the same way that someone who confesses might be ready. When you get to your own rock bottom, and I understand you probably feel like you are there already, you may experience this feeling of surrender. It's like you finally realize and accept what you did. I think there is a difference between knowing what you did and working to make things better, and really, finally accepting it and feeling like you are laying there naked and bleeding with nothing left to hide. Or, another image that may fit some folks is that point at which you really truly give up everything to God. I'm not overly religious, but there have been a couple of times in my life where it just felt like there was so much, so much very heavy stuff on my back, and I remember just thinking in my head, "God, I can't do this anymore. I need help" and literally there would be this feeling of the load being lightened.
IDK, each person will have their own experience. If you are answering the questions over and over just because your BW wants/needs it, and you are committed to doing whatever she needs, well, that's pretty good, but if you aren't doing it for yourself too, then maybe you haven't really hit that point of surrender...
just my two cents.