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New Here -2nd D-Day/Long Rant

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PhoenixWife posted 4/23/2014 18:29 PM

My apologies – this is long. I'm a long-time lurker from D-day#1 and actually abandoned this site so hubby could use it. But he's just not very proactive and is doing the bare minimum.

Backstory: Hubby of 15+ years had LTA 4-5 years into our marriage. He confessed in 2007. We made some changes in 2008 with a commitment to go forward. In 2010, I learned he was still in contact w/ OW via cell. Made him go NC with a formal letter. Notice I said “made.” javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')NC lasted maybe 1 ½ yrs according to his timeline. She contacted him – he took the bait.

2nd D-day Mar 26 2014 when I saw him driving her home. Confessed that evening to a 3-year A. Stupid me, having been down this road before, rationalized (with his help) that since it wasn't someone different, it wasn't so bad. He's not out getting some strange. He simply “did not have closure” from last time. So we did all the knee-jerk reactions that were familiar to us... “I'll end it;” “We'll get help this time;” “We'll get a fresh start somewhere else;” “I love you, can't imagine us not being together;” yada yada yada. We've become experts at rug-sweeping (note to self: sell vacuum cleaner on e-bay).

He did an in-person face-to-face NC with OW 3 days after d-day. Isn't that rich! He's so conciliatory towards her it makes me sick. Keep in mind, I'm still dazed and confused at this point. Less than 30 minutes in the door he gets a text “I love you, I still believe in us. I won't give up on us.” He shared that text, a voicemail and few other texts that she sent the following days. He was seemingly being transparent. I encouraged him to just keep ignoring them and she would get the message that he isn't willing to engage, which is what she wanted.

In the meantime, I begged with him, pleaded, cried, etc. for him to check out SI website (even back in 2007) so he could see how to help me, himself and our marriage. His solution is to just keep busy with his time – mow the lawn, garden, go find work, etc. Oh yeah, and make an appointment to see an IC. (BTW-he's self-employed Spring thru Fall; and during winter months, he's a couch potato & lover to OW-big problem.)

Hubby flew out to visit our son (this was booked months before) 9 days after d-day. Was only going to be gone for 4 days. During his trip, he called and shared that he received a few texts all basically the same as before. Two days before coming home, he said he rec'd no text or voicemail. Said no contact from OW for the duration of his trip. Then he came home and we were going to dig our heels in and fix our marriage – together.

I tried so hard again to get him to read info on SI website. He was reluctant (also not terribly good at navigating computer and websites). Four days after he got home, I had to stay with my elderly mother to give my brother a break. Hubby came over Fri night for a while and Sat night we all went to dinner. Things seemed on an even keel and it looked like he was trying to stay transparent.

Then came the dream Saturday night. This was my pivitol point regarding the direction of my marriage. It is so difficult to write even now. Anyway, in my dream I was making love to my husband. In the next frame, his back was to me and the OW was on top of him mouthing the words “I Love You.” He looked directly into her eyes and returned the words (tears in my eyes now). In my dream, I realized that I must have been ok with her in our bed, probably because it would prove my love to him – I really don't know. When I awoke, I could not believe the clarity of the dream. Sometimes I only remember snippets if anything at all. But this was, and is, still very vivid. It was then that I realized that this is actually what my marriage had become. Although I have never had a three-some, she has always been in my bed because she has always been in his thoughts.

I tried to shake the dream on Sunday when he and I took a walk. We were walking in silence for a while and then I brought up NC. He said OW has not contacted him via voicemail or text. I asked him if perhaps when he was visiting our son, if he didn't sneakily use sons cell phone and call her. He admitted that he did because he wanted her to stop. Talk about taking the wind out of my sails. I tried to explain that by re-engaging, he is sending her a different message than if he had ignored her. He got upset and said I was pissed because he did it his way instead of mine. Maybe he can't see it, but his way simply DOES NOT WORK.

Anyway, that admission was another TT and I was so tired of the TTs at this point. Combine TTs with the dream and it made me start thinking of my exit strategy because he WAS – NOT – GETTING -IT. He's still blame-shifting and not owning his own shit. After d-day 1, I was implicit in telling him to let me go before he put me thru this hell again. WTF!! Our problems were always taken outside the marriage (by him) to many other people (I also suspect 2 EAs). When he was happy with OW, he was unhappy with me and pointed it out constantly. I get it, but I hate it nonetheless because I don't feel he is protective of me, as a husband should be. It's so disrespectful to both me and our marriage.

Anyway, after the admission of using sons cell, I left and went to my mothers-pissed as hell. A few hours later, hubby stopped by with some sort of epiphany. He must have gotten on SI website and also read some of the stuff I printed off for him. He begged me to please give him another few days and to help him digest, and discuss with him together, articles on the SI website. I told him I couldn't promise anything at this point. I was so disappointed in him and his lack of trying – really trying. His priorities were so insulting to me. Somehow though, his mind was finally put on defrost. This was Sun Apr 13.

When I was at work on Mon Apr 14, I realized that this was too big for me. The love I had for him dissipated with the TT. I realized that I did not have the energy to fight for my marriage which had been so badly damaged from first A. And to put me through it a second time – unforgivable. So D is the only answer for me. Separation date was 4/14/14.

I realize that I am giving up a lot by staying with him. I'm giving up the hope of something better... the love of a man who is kinder and will love me more. Me, and ONLY ME. I am so insanely tired of having the OW in my head EVERY EVERY EVERY SINGLE DAY. I didn't invite her in, but she won't go away. (I will, however, admit to the guilty pleasure of taking her facebook photo and inserting it on other bodies. There's a great website for that. I needed to change her image in my mind and now I've got some doozies to reboot my brain [for my eyes only; I don't post them anywhere]. Yes, I realize I'm giving her more energy than she is worth, but I do need a giggle every now and then. It's been cathartic in a way.)

I also don't believe he's over her. Keep in mind his big bad wife MADE him end it! Or if he is, he is going to save face by going back to her to show friends and family that he knew what he was doing all the while ruining what *was* a beautiful marriage and destroying our family in the aftermath.

At this point, my give a sh**s busted! Please know that beneath all my sarcasm is a very proundly wounded wife and mother.javascript:AddSmily('%20%20')

Thanks for letting me vent. Sorry it's so long. (Believe it or not – I have sooo much more to say!)

Ostrich80 posted 4/23/2014 18:45 PM

Well, I read every word, then reread because our stories are very similar. My ws has had the same ow. DD1 in Oct 2009 with promises of starting over and NC with her...ever. I could feel it, things were good for a month but the cold wind set in and again, I could do nothing right, he was distant, zero intimacy. Feb 2012 I confirmed what I suspected, it wasn't over.
I really don't think he will stop. I think he's got it for her bad and at this point, she can have him. To string along someone you claim to love and give them false hope is cruel and selfish.

He's killed my love for him and.I can't wait til I can get out of this M. What do you want to do? I just kind of feel like my ws will not ever get the bitch out of his head, even if he were NC.
I refuse to fight for a man that has wasted so many of my years, thinking of another. Your ws seems like he still feels some sort of loyalty or obligation to this ow, (ph call from sons phone). Even if we could lock them up to force NC, they are still in their mind. This kind of M wreaks havoc on our self esteem and self worth. It's just totally unfair.
I wish you clarity in your decisions and peace on your path. I'm so sorry he's done this, I know it hurts like a bitch.

PhoenixWife posted 4/23/2014 20:25 PM

Thank you ostrich80. I have actually achieved peace with my decision in a relatively short time. You know what you can or cannot live with. I cannot live with lies. Because WH was reluctant to get on SI website, he kept shooting himself in the foot with TTs. He didn't get it.

On separation day, I told WH that I was done discussing this on an emotional level - the only topics we could talk about were liquidating our properties and anything relative to our sons. I did not realize at the time that I was doing a 180.

I was just in self-preservation mode. Not that I did not cry. I did. Gallons upon gallons of tears. Still do. I knew that the pain he wanted to discuss, so he could heal, was polar opposite of my pain and the last thing I wanted to hear about was HIS pain. WH had some glorious times with OW, at the expense of me and my sons, so who the hell is he to be in pain - and why do I even need to listen? While his non-condom wrapped CO** was in the OW, I'll bet you he wasn't thinking about his pain then.

WH has plenty of people to share his pain with. He would always take our marital problems to other people. Since he did not have the patience to explain his frustrations in a way that I could understand them, it was easier to bitch, moan and commiserate to some other sounding board that he found - OW included. No wanting to sound like a whiner here, just culling out the facts, he was always throwing me under the bus - particularly to his family. You get used to it after awhile I suppose in that you don't even try to do damage control anymore. So while he could help our sons with homework in a way that THEY could understand (maybe using visuals, reading exercise, using different words, etc.), he gave me nothing in the way of patiently explaining and helping me to understand his frustrations within our marriage. I just got the pat answer of "I can't even talk to you." He shared more about my marriage to other people than he did with me. I truly didn't think we were that unhappy or broken. But keep in mind, our problems were always magnified when WH was in a happy time with OW - at my expense of course - and it's his justification for doing what he did I suppose.

Then I also saw that the man who was my greatest support and comfort was also my greatest antagonist.

Not sure how to explain the antagonist side, but this is the best I can do: One of the issues WH had with me was my "drinking." Now let me clarify that. I can say, without a doubt, that my drinking was not an issue before D-day 1. I do, however, take ownership for self-medicating from 2007 to 2014. But isn't it a puzzlement that when WH is not home (as is the case this week) that I haven't had a glass of wine? Hmmmm.

This from the man who pretty much spoon-fed me my wine for the past number of years. WH would kindly have a glass sitting on the counter waiting for me when I got home from work. What's that about? Either he does or doesn't want me to drink. Either it is or is not a problem. I'm thinking that's a bit of gaslighting on his part toward me. (BTW - have loved that movie for years. Just didn't think it would every apply in my life.) Here's another example: Just a few weeks ago I suggested we get in the hot tub without alcohol. (The hot tub is where we have our best and worst "Come To Jesus" meetings). So before heading outside, WH suggests I go ahead and grab a glass of wine to take out, and while we're at it, how about we do a shot of this italian liquor?!!!

As far as I'm concerned, WH can assign all of the negative personality traits about me that he wants. I know that I never once stepped outside of our marriage and I can hold my head high. He's been outside longer than he's been inside. My goal is to get out of dodge as soon as I can and start a new life with no history there. I'm looking forward to breathing fresh air, making new friends, joining some clubs, hopefully some traveling, who knows. I'm at a good point in my life to do this. Children are grown and they will be fine. That's such a blessing.

I know the pain you are feeling as well and I would like to tell you to just jump off the crazy train. Scary as it seems, it's gotta be better than living with some skanks ghost forever. Let those two figure it out. That's what I plan on doing. I will gracefully exit and chase my own unicorn. I truly hope, if it's the right decision for you, that you find the strength to do the same. Life CAN be good again. You just gotta want it bad enough. My WH robbed me of my past - but he cannot take my future away.

For me - I in no way want to associate my WH affair with "love." I tried after D-day 1, and thought I might try after D-day 2, but the walls closed in on my as I looked around the rubble and wondered what I was even fighting for? I know that what I am about to say is probably not going to be very popular. However, I really would like for my WH to get to a point where he hates me. I know that sounds bizarre, but hang on to that thought and let me explain further. If WH made a "mistake" the first time (short term A, ONS, something along those lines and not meaning to minimize their impact), then yes, quite possibly we could move on in a loving fashion with bright eyes toward the future. However, when he revisited and reinserted this woman BACK into my life, and our family's life-again as a LTA - fully knowing the anguish and pain that he bestowed upon us the first time, uh uh... that's not love. Not close. So if I have to wear this shroud of his infidelity that was thrust into my marriage it has got to be for a better reason than love; it better be due to something far more sinister. I will never allow myself to think that it was love for me, love for him, love for her, or anything relative to the word LOVE that motivated it. No, not love. Hate. Love to me is sunny, bright, feels good, full of rainbows, dreams and fresh air. His affairs introduced none of those things into our marriage. It was downright hateful behavior on his part - not motivated out of love. Love is beautiful; Affairs are putrid and ugly.

Do I sound bitter? Sorry. Maybe I'll go have a glass of wine to take the edge off!! : )

Thanks for listening and my apologies again for the novella. As I get it all out there, it should become less and less wordy. One can hope, no?

Ostrich80 posted 4/23/2014 23:12 PM

" He shared more about my marriage to other people than he did with me

Just wow....his best friend who's a cheater and ow he vented to and made me out to be a fricken crazy bitch. Yea these two sounding boards probably offered some good advice huh?

I remember the day he walked in and said out of the blue, "we don't even have a marriage" Wtf did that come from? Now I know it was ow and his friend that wanted an alibi buddy, they both lied for each other.

Sounds like your further ahead of the game than me...I should have kicked his ass out long ago. I did tell him I was not going to invest one single thing emotionally any longer, we would just be co parenting til the last birdie leaves the nest for college...June 2015..if I can make it that long.

PhoenixWife posted 4/24/2014 08:28 AM

I sure wish things were different for you Ostrich80. To have to wait until mid-2015... no way I would make it. Just curious, why is he still there? And am I to understand that he is stll in his A? It must tear you apart!

You so deserve something better. IMHO, it's not a gift to the children to stay together on their behalf. They are also breathing the same air of lies as you and are fully aware that this is not a good relationship. I say this with respect toward you.

In your previous post, you mentioned about locking our WHs up to force NC. Thought that was funny, but definitely not something I would want. I want someone who WANTS to be with me. Not MADE to be with me because he F****d up, or realized, a little too late that I'm the one for him. There are people out there with a backbone and strength of conviction. I – nor you – have to settle for anything less. Our WHs taint the word LOVE. It is used too loosely. (I love this beer, I love my car, I love my ____ fill in the blank.)

On these forums, many BS are told to hold their WS's feet to the fire. I would fail there. For me to tell someone that they HAVE to be accountable for every second of every day, show me all correspondence, share all texts, voicemails, emails etc., I can't do it. Transparency has to come from WH because that's what he wants to do. Mine does not – it would only create more of a resentment on his part toward me (which he could then share with his sounding-boards). He wants to do it his way which is at a snails pace. At this point, his transparency is not necessary. I'm done being concerned about his whereabouts or who he is texting. It won't change a thing for me because I am on a different path now. Funny, WH thinks I have these special computer skills that allows me to snoop on him in some clandestine way. He gives me way too much credit, but I'm flattered. I asked him for access to phone records and that's all it took for him to want to be transparent (in the beginning) with his cell. What WH doesn't know is that I don't even bother to check because I truly don't care anymore because he will just find another sneaky way to do whatever he wants to do. It's a no win situation and I don't want to play anymore.

These men are broken. When something is broken, you throw it out and get a new and improved model. How many times does it have to rain in my house before I get a new roof? How many times do I have to get shocked by the stove before I replace it? Out with the old, and at some point, in with the new.

Neither you or I will ever have the marriage that we had. The marriage I thought I had ended 4 years into it when WH betrayed me. We can't get that back EVER. The kiddos are now grown and those were the glory years. That was the fun stuff even though it came with financial struggles. I so wish this never touched my life.

I just got off the phone with a friend checking in. She said she though WH and I were the perfect couple. Many people say that. Funny, so did I. After D-day 1, I eventually got to a point of acceptance and truly thought we were happy again. In retrospect, we never did the work that was necessary to heal. And WHs way of being remorseful the first time almost sounded like “Awww Honey, I'm so sorry that I ran over the daffodils with the mower. I won't do it again.”

The second d-day was so unexpected and I am still reeling from it. Don't know how I have the strength to put one foot in front of the other most days. TWO, count 'em, TWO betrayals. I just don't get it. My God, if this is love, I don't want it. And I don't know how you Ostrich80 do it either. The bitter side of me says that Love Does Not Conquer All. My apologies to those who feel their marriage is better and stronger because they worked it out. I don't doubt it can happen. I gave it my all the first time but I cannot seem to come up for air from this second betrayal. It's way beyond anything inside of me. Constant questioning of who is this man that I married? I will never be able to shake the second betrayal and I have nothing but awe for those that have been successful. I would have liked to have been a success story (and thought I was) but then this happened. I am so beaten down by it.

Ostrich80, I sense an extreme bitterness to your WH's OW. Believe me – I get it. I too have demonic thoughts about my WH mistress. But really, you and I should recognize that the OW is not worthy of our time or headspace. Certainly she was complicit in this – no doubt about it. And I believe that my WH would not have strayed if she didn't make herself so available (according to him), but she did and sadly my magic time capsule is broken, so nothing can be undone. If WH feels strongly for her, even *LOVES* her, then I hope those two get together. I don't want to be in competition with her anymore. Hopefully you will get to a point and see that your WH's OW does not have (as someone so aptly put it) magic vagina sparks. She doesn't. What she has is a poor sense of self worth and should be pitied, not emulated. She too is broken. Let the two broken people have a broken life if that's what they want. It's been proven that we can't stop it, so why fight it? Let's fight for a better, brighter future. A healthy and happy one.

My parent's always taught me to never stoop to someone's level; be better than them. That has carried me far. And you can do the same. Sometimes you just got to leave them wanting more. So hang onto your pride and sense of self, and you will get there Ostrich80. Let go of the bitterness toward OW and WH will see you in a different light and perhaps wish he never lost you.

Never go back to something that God has rescued you from.

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