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Dealing With Threats?

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ShellyShell posted 4/23/2014 19:29 PM

My WS has gone NC with the OW. He blocked her on his phone, all social media, etc.

Since then she has called his job (he can't block her there) but after answering a few times he ignores the calls and deletes the voicemails. She's had friends call his phone for her, but he blocked them too.

She got another one of them to send him a text saying how screwed up he is and to get him back, she threatened to send a penis pic he sent her to all his friends, or to his job.

WS did not answer her. But he also doesn't know what to do.

As much as I know he has it coming and it is his shitstorm to deal with, I really don't know what to tell him to do. I suggested maybe calling a lawyer? Having the police knock her door about harassment? I'm at a loss.

I figure if she does something like that it effects me too and the kids too, so perhaps I should care a little. LOL. What have others done in this situation?

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 11:15 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]

nekorb posted 4/23/2014 22:03 PM

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. She sounds like a nut job.

No advice, but I wanted to bump this up.

MissMouseMo posted 4/23/2014 22:14 PM

Your instincts are correct: have him call the police.

He also needs to have an attorney send a cease and desist letter.

She needs to understand what she'd doing (harassment) has legal consequences.

ShellyShell posted 4/23/2014 23:17 PM

Thanks. I will have him do both. I guess we have o find a lawyer now. Ugh.

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 07:23 AM

AND she escalated today. She keeps going right to the edge and stopping. I think she is trying to get any attention right now even if it's negative.

I told him to call a lawyer immediately. But what I really want to do is go to her job. I've never even responded to anything she's done to provoke me, and the one time I openly invited her to talk to me (when she kept threatening him she was going to tell me and kept friending me on social media) she never took the bait. I feel like she's scared to face me.

I know it's a bad idea but I am angry. The nerve of this wench. She knew he was married from the second she found him. She persued him anyway. She did everything she could to get him to leave me. Now that he didn't, she's mad? You played the game and lost. Put your grown woman panties on and deal with it. Now she's talking about ruining him professionally and publicly embarrassing him (and by extension his whole family including our kids) because she couldn't get "her" married man to leave his wife.

This chick has a young daughter. How can you be a mother and play these games?

I need y'all to talk me out of jumping in my car and traveling there. Why should I not escalate right back? Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!

tushnurse posted 4/24/2014 07:28 AM

You do escalate right back...but do it the right way....

Cease and Desist Letter Immediately.
Police report for harassment, and threats, even attempt to get an order of protection (restraining order). Use the words Frightened, Feel unsafe, when reporting this information to the police.

She is clearly unstable, and not appropriate. The only other thing I would encourage you to do, is if her childs father is in the picture at all let him know what she is doing. If he is wanting custody, this may stop her in her tracks faster than anything. Actions meet Consequences.

tushnurse posted 4/24/2014 07:28 AM

You do escalate right back...but do it the right way....

Cease and Desist Letter Immediately.
Police report for harassment, and threats, even attempt to get an order of protection (restraining order). Use the words Frightened, Feel unsafe, when reporting this information to the police.

She is clearly unstable, and not appropriate. The only other thing I would encourage you to do, is if her childs father is in the picture at all let him know what she is doing. If he is wanting custody, this may stop her in her tracks faster than anything. Actions meet Consequences.

Bigger posted 4/24/2014 07:29 AM

Did you two send a NC letter?
He had a +2 year affair with the OW and has a history of coming back to her.
I would think a short, unemotional NC letter outlining the legal consequences of further contact would be in order.

And the penis picture? Well… that’s what can happen if you are dumb enough to send those around.

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 07:41 AM

Thanks guys. I have no idea how to quote you on here.

Yes, I already gave him the name of a lawyer and link to the harassment laws in our state. I told him to call the cops in her town immediately since she's acting like she will follow through today.

Yes, I know he is an idiot for sending her pictures. I asked if she had any with his face in them, he said he didn't think so. What a fool. Yesterday my attitude was "well of course, you've been playing games with this chick and now karma is biting you in the ass" but this morning I'm just mad. She's always acted out every time he tried to break it off, only in the past he would respond. Now that he's not talking to her, she's flipping the hell out. I'm mad that he brought this on us, and I'm mad that she won't go away. I'm just mad period. But yes, I have to do this the right way.

I do think she'll stop when threatened with legal action. This women couldnt even bring herself to tell me about the affair even when she had multiple opportunities, and she STILL can't bring herself to talk directly to me even now that I know. How much heart can she have? Whatever. Stupid wench.

ETA: he was working on a NC letter this week. He was going to write it and give it to me to send. He had a face to face talk with her to tell her to stop calling his job, etc a while back and has since stopped responding to her antics. I told him to ditch the letter now and go straight to a lawyer.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 7:44 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

steadfast1973 posted 4/24/2014 08:25 AM

Have the lawyer draft the NC letter, and have it sent certified.

Bigger posted 4/24/2014 08:46 AM

The fact he’s “working on” a NC letter says a lot. It’s not supposed to be a novel or long-winded explanation of anything. Like we say here on SI; Actions not words!

It’s simple:
“OW. I realize that our affair is wrong and I have decided to end it. I am fully committed to working on my marriage with ShellyShell. I will not be in any contact in any way or form with you in the future and request that you do not contact me in any way or form. Any contact will be shared with ShellyShell and can lead to legal action”

That’s it.

The goal of the NC letter is twofold:
It sets the track right for WH. There is no doubt whatsoever in the letter that he’s not to have contact and ANY contact should be shared with you.
It lets the OW know where she stands plus she’s aware what will happen IF she has contact.

I would start off by sending a NC letter and if she doesn’t comply you have better grounds for legal action.

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 08:53 AM

His therapist said he wanted to see the letter first so that's what I meant by working on. He wrote it, was going to show it to his IC at his next appointment then give it to me to send, so I would feel comfortable it was sent.

She went to this level before we could finsh the process.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 8:54 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Lalagirl posted 4/24/2014 09:00 AM

I think I would go legal now. She's nuts. Let the law handle this from here...JMHO.

Bigger posted 4/24/2014 09:04 AM

Don’t like the sound of that…
The therapist is only thinking of how your WH can get closure on the affair. That’s an “our love is not meant to be” letter. You know – “if we had met in another life we could ride horses into the sunset” bullshit.
That letter can be fine as closure. It could be fine as treatment. But it’s utter crap as a NC letter.

So first sharing with his therapist and then with you before sending OW… That’s possibly fantastic for his ego and his issues, but terrible for YOUR marriage.


steadfast1973 posted 4/24/2014 09:18 AM

Closure is BS. "Closure" is usually what starts As with past lovers. "Closure" is what causes As to continue...

An NC letter should be short, to the point, and devoid of emotional attachment.

OW,

I want no further contact with you. Please do not attempt any contact with me, or my family. Any contact from this point will be considered harassment.

WS

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:18 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 09:19 AM

I don't think that's what the therapist was doing, we were talking about writing her something that made it explicitly clear it was over and that she needed to stop all contact. There was not going to be any flowery language. My husband was concerned with just how harsh he should get because he was basically scared of this kind of thing happening. The therapist said he wanted to see it to make sure it was striking the right tone before it was sent out.

I just last night googled "no contact letter" and found examples. It never occurred to me there were templates floating around before then (duh on my part). I mean I got the concept from reading about it on here but I didn't put 2 and 2 together. If I had done that earlier we would have just followed a template from the web.

Anyway, she just begged to talk to him one more time and threatened to take action today if he didn't. He's calling the police as we speak and I sent him a bunch of lawyer names numbers. Thanks everybody and wish me luck!

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 09:29 AM

Quick question:

Can you send a NC over email? If we wanted to get it in writing today, but don't have time to do certified mail, would that be considered an "official" irequest for her to knock it off if we have to file a restraining order in the future?

Bigger posted 4/24/2014 10:52 AM

If you can confirm it’s her e-mail and have reasonable expectations that she uses the email address then that would do fine.

TheBestMe posted 4/24/2014 11:10 AM

ShellyShell Big Hugs

I recently went through the same thing. Some OW are bullies, BUT this is your H fight. As long as OW does not communicate with you, it should be up to your H to put an end to it.

My H also had a history of "break up to make up" with donkey. It flipped out when the break up was final. He has remained firm in NC.

Does your H have his first and last name or his photo on his penis? So, if a pic is sent how does it belong to him? Things are photo shopped everyday.

We do not accept any mail that comes without a return address, or certified mail that we are not anticipating etc...

At this point there are some easy things that you can do before getting the law involved. Your H may start by simply sending an e-mail that says: Please stop all communication.
Keep a file of everything.

Best to you

ShellyShell posted 4/24/2014 21:31 PM

I'm sorry to keep bothering y'all with this drama. I have no idea what to do.

Husband has a lawyer appointment in the a.m.

Meanwhile, she contacted me through social media with her cell number and wants me to call her. Says she's walking away and wants to talk to me first.

Do I text her a NC? I guess I just ignore it?

WH says the decision is mine. Now that she contacted ME, I'm not sure if I should formerly request NC.

I suppose I should just ask the lawyer, but honestly I trust the collective wisdom here just as much. I want your opinion too, if y'all don't mind.

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