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User Topic: Dealing With Threats?
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 7:29 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

My WS has gone NC with the OW. He blocked her on his phone, all social media, etc.

Since then she has called his job (he can't block her there) but after answering a few times he ignores the calls and deletes the voicemails. She's had friends call his phone for her, but he blocked them too.

She got another one of them to send him a text saying how screwed up he is and to get him back, she threatened to send a penis pic he sent her to all his friends, or to his job.

WS did not answer her. But he also doesn't know what to do.

As much as I know he has it coming and it is his shitstorm to deal with, I really don't know what to tell him to do. I suggested maybe calling a lawyer? Having the police knock her door about harassment? I'm at a loss.

I figure if she does something like that it effects me too and the kids too, so perhaps I should care a little. LOL. What have others done in this situation?

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 11:15 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday)]


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
nekorb
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 10:03 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry you're having to deal with this. She sounds like a nut job.

No advice, but I wanted to bump this up.


Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Psalms 27:14
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.

Posts: 1838 | Registered: Aug 2013
MissMouseMo
♀ 38562
Member # 38562
Default  Posted: 10:14 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Your instincts are correct: have him call the police.

He also needs to have an attorney send a cease and desist letter.

She needs to understand what she'd doing (harassment) has legal consequences.


It is the gut-wrenching, down-to-your-soul honesty that helps so much. ~paraphrased from CancunCrushed
"I edit, therefore I am." -BionicGal

Posts: 389 | Registered: Feb 2013
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 11:17 PM, April 23rd (Wednesday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks. I will have him do both. I guess we have o find a lawyer now. Ugh.

Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 7:23 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

AND she escalated today. She keeps going right to the edge and stopping. I think she is trying to get any attention right now even if it's negative.

I told him to call a lawyer immediately. But what I really want to do is go to her job. I've never even responded to anything she's done to provoke me, and the one time I openly invited her to talk to me (when she kept threatening him she was going to tell me and kept friending me on social media) she never took the bait. I feel like she's scared to face me.

I know it's a bad idea but I am angry. The nerve of this wench. She knew he was married from the second she found him. She persued him anyway. She did everything she could to get him to leave me. Now that he didn't, she's mad? You played the game and lost. Put your grown woman panties on and deal with it. Now she's talking about ruining him professionally and publicly embarrassing him (and by extension his whole family including our kids) because she couldn't get "her" married man to leave his wife.

This chick has a young daughter. How can you be a mother and play these games?

I need y'all to talk me out of jumping in my car and traveling there. Why should I not escalate right back? Aaaaaaaaarrrrrggggghhhhhhhhh!


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do escalate right back...but do it the right way....

Cease and Desist Letter Immediately.
Police report for harassment, and threats, even attempt to get an order of protection (restraining order). Use the words Frightened, Feel unsafe, when reporting this information to the police.

She is clearly unstable, and not appropriate. The only other thing I would encourage you to do, is if her childs father is in the picture at all let him know what she is doing. If he is wanting custody, this may stop her in her tracks faster than anything. Actions meet Consequences.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
tushnurse
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 7:28 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You do escalate right back...but do it the right way....

Cease and Desist Letter Immediately.
Police report for harassment, and threats, even attempt to get an order of protection (restraining order). Use the words Frightened, Feel unsafe, when reporting this information to the police.

She is clearly unstable, and not appropriate. The only other thing I would encourage you to do, is if her childs father is in the picture at all let him know what she is doing. If he is wanting custody, this may stop her in her tracks faster than anything. Actions meet Consequences.


Me: FBS
Him: FWS
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy

Posts: 8889 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Bigger
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:29 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Did you two send a NC letter?
He had a +2 year affair with the OW and has a history of coming back to her.
I would think a short, unemotional NC letter outlining the legal consequences of further contact would be in order.

And the penis picture? Well… that’s what can happen if you are dumb enough to send those around.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5585 | Registered: Sep 2005
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 7:41 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thanks guys. I have no idea how to quote you on here.

Yes, I already gave him the name of a lawyer and link to the harassment laws in our state. I told him to call the cops in her town immediately since she's acting like she will follow through today.

Yes, I know he is an idiot for sending her pictures. I asked if she had any with his face in them, he said he didn't think so. What a fool. Yesterday my attitude was "well of course, you've been playing games with this chick and now karma is biting you in the ass" but this morning I'm just mad. She's always acted out every time he tried to break it off, only in the past he would respond. Now that he's not talking to her, she's flipping the hell out. I'm mad that he brought this on us, and I'm mad that she won't go away. I'm just mad period. But yes, I have to do this the right way.

I do think she'll stop when threatened with legal action. This women couldnt even bring herself to tell me about the affair even when she had multiple opportunities, and she STILL can't bring herself to talk directly to me even now that I know. How much heart can she have? Whatever. Stupid wench.

ETA: he was working on a NC letter this week. He was going to write it and give it to me to send. He had a face to face talk with her to tell her to stop calling his job, etc a while back and has since stopped responding to her antics. I told him to ditch the letter now and go straight to a lawyer.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 7:44 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 8:25 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Have the lawyer draft the NC letter, and have it sent certified.


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
Bigger
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 8:46 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

The fact he’s “working on” a NC letter says a lot. It’s not supposed to be a novel or long-winded explanation of anything. Like we say here on SI; Actions not words!

It’s simple:
“OW. I realize that our affair is wrong and I have decided to end it. I am fully committed to working on my marriage with ShellyShell. I will not be in any contact in any way or form with you in the future and request that you do not contact me in any way or form. Any contact will be shared with ShellyShell and can lead to legal action”

That’s it.

The goal of the NC letter is twofold:
It sets the track right for WH. There is no doubt whatsoever in the letter that he’s not to have contact and ANY contact should be shared with you.
It lets the OW know where she stands plus she’s aware what will happen IF she has contact.

I would start off by sending a NC letter and if she doesn’t comply you have better grounds for legal action.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5585 | Registered: Sep 2005
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 8:53 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

His therapist said he wanted to see the letter first so that's what I meant by working on. He wrote it, was going to show it to his IC at his next appointment then give it to me to send, so I would feel comfortable it was sent.

She went to this level before we could finsh the process.

[This message edited by ShellyShell at 8:54 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
Lalagirl
♀ 14576
Member # 14576
Default  Posted: 9:00 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I think I would go legal now. She's nuts. Let the law handle this from here...JMHO.


Me - 49; FWH - 51
Married 31 years 9/2/14
2 grown daughters-30 & 27
5yo GS,2yo GD & 3 mo. GD (DD30) and 2.5 yo GD(DD27). D-day #1 - 1/06; D-day #2 - 3/07
Reconciled! Construction Complete.

Posts: 5173 | Registered: May 2007
Bigger
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:04 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Don’t like the sound of that…
The therapist is only thinking of how your WH can get closure on the affair. That’s an “our love is not meant to be” letter. You know – “if we had met in another life we could ride horses into the sunset” bullshit.
That letter can be fine as closure. It could be fine as treatment. But it’s utter crap as a NC letter.

So first sharing with his therapist and then with you before sending OW… That’s possibly fantastic for his ego and his issues, but terrible for YOUR marriage.



"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5585 | Registered: Sep 2005
steadfast1973
♀ 24719
Member # 24719
Default  Posted: 9:18 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Closure is BS. "Closure" is usually what starts As with past lovers. "Closure" is what causes As to continue...

An NC letter should be short, to the point, and devoid of emotional attachment.

OW,

I want no further contact with you. Please do not attempt any contact with me, or my family. Any contact from this point will be considered harassment.

WS

[This message edited by steadfast1973 at 9:18 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]


Me- 40- BS Him- 36- WH D-day#1 5/25/09 3 mo. EA d-day#2 11/06/13 Prostitute 11/5/13 in R
"I've seen your flag on the marble arch, our love is not a victory march, it's a cold and broken hallelujah."- Leonard Cohen

Posts: 2286 | Registered: Jul 2009 | From: Midwest
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 9:19 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't think that's what the therapist was doing, we were talking about writing her something that made it explicitly clear it was over and that she needed to stop all contact. There was not going to be any flowery language. My husband was concerned with just how harsh he should get because he was basically scared of this kind of thing happening. The therapist said he wanted to see it to make sure it was striking the right tone before it was sent out.

I just last night googled "no contact letter" and found examples. It never occurred to me there were templates floating around before then (duh on my part). I mean I got the concept from reading about it on here but I didn't put 2 and 2 together. If I had done that earlier we would have just followed a template from the web.

Anyway, she just begged to talk to him one more time and threatened to take action today if he didn't. He's calling the police as we speak and I sent him a bunch of lawyer names numbers. Thanks everybody and wish me luck!


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 9:29 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Quick question:

Can you send a NC over email? If we wanted to get it in writing today, but don't have time to do certified mail, would that be considered an "official" irequest for her to knock it off if we have to file a restraining order in the future?


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
Bigger
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 10:52 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

If you can confirm it’s her e-mail and have reasonable expectations that she uses the email address then that would do fine.


"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 5585 | Registered: Sep 2005
TheBestMe
♀ 39476
Member # 39476
Default  Posted: 11:10 AM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

ShellyShell Big Hugs

I recently went through the same thing. Some OW are bullies, BUT this is your H fight. As long as OW does not communicate with you, it should be up to your H to put an end to it.

My H also had a history of "break up to make up" with donkey. It flipped out when the break up was final. He has remained firm in NC.

Does your H have his first and last name or his photo on his penis? So, if a pic is sent how does it belong to him? Things are photo shopped everyday.

We do not accept any mail that comes without a return address, or certified mail that we are not anticipating etc...

At this point there are some easy things that you can do before getting the law involved. Your H may start by simply sending an e-mail that says: Please stop all communication.
Keep a file of everything.

Best to you


ME Doing Better
WH Trying As Best He Can
Married 23 years
Status: Working towards friendship
D Day #1 - 2007 My gut told me
D Day #2 - 2010 His D told me
D Day #3 - 1/11/2013 OW Confirmed
LTA 7 years

Both feet pointed forward; positive


Posts: 508 | Registered: Jun 2013 | From: Inner Peace
ShellyShell
♀ 42662
Member # 42662
Default  Posted: 9:31 PM, April 24th (Thursday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm sorry to keep bothering y'all with this drama. I have no idea what to do.

Husband has a lawyer appointment in the a.m.

Meanwhile, she contacted me through social media with her cell number and wants me to call her. Says she's walking away and wants to talk to me first.

Do I text her a NC? I guess I just ignore it?

WH says the decision is mine. Now that she contacted ME, I'm not sure if I should formerly request NC.

I suppose I should just ask the lawyer, but honestly I trust the collective wisdom here just as much. I want your opinion too, if y'all don't mind.


Posts: 100 | Registered: Mar 2014
Topic Posts: 30
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