SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

Were they always this stupid?

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Pages: 1 · 2

IrishLass518 posted 4/23/2014 20:11 PM

And we just didn't notice? I can say that I am a reasonably intelligent woman and for the greater part of my former marriage, xWH was a very intelligent man. In fact, I told more that one person over the course of 17 years that he was the smartest man I had ever met. Since the A and his involvement with OWifetress he has become absolutely ignorant. Or maybe I just became smarter, I don't know. I do know that I have met and followed so many very likable and intelligent people on this site and I constantly shake my head at the "Adventures in Infidelity" courtesy of our collective ex spouses.

Tesla and exshat and stripperwhore.
Pass and The Princess
AD and CXW
Justjim and Hell Bitch
Caregiver and her ex with the new Tatar Twat
and so, so many more.

I cannot believe that we all could be sucked in and fooled for so long by the idiots we now deal with. I don't think for one second that xWH could have "pretended" to be as smart as he was for so long without myself, our families and friends seeing this depth of idiocy within him, cause we all sure see it now. It's like a flaming bonfire in the middle of nowhere, I swear you could see the stupid on him from space.

So, what say you? Were they always this stupid or did the infidelity and being caught and living out loud strip them of all semblance of intelligence?

Gemini71 posted 4/23/2014 20:16 PM

They say that every cell in your body is replaced every ten years. For some reason, their cells started mutating into 'stupid' cells about, oh, five or ten years ago.

That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

justinpaintoday posted 4/23/2014 20:17 PM

No mine is smart. She fooled me. I suspected A but she blinded me with her deception. However, she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.

caregiver9000 posted 4/23/2014 20:41 PM

Some of them are marvelous mirrors. I read a long time ago that certain "hollow" people seek out what they know is missing in themselves so they have a frame of reference. I know I made him a better person! His family said it. I held him to a standard that was acceptable to me and he lived up to it on the surface. He projected what I wanted and he was GOOD at it. But it was an act. And he got tired of the act.

To some degree are we all living up to expectations of society or others? maybe. But my expectations are my own. My internal moral compass belongs to me. I don't live my life for what it looks like to others. Stretch did. Stretch does. He just changed who he was living for to suit what he wanted to feed inside himself.

IrishLass518 posted 4/23/2014 21:32 PM

Caregiver, I have heard the mirror thing before and to tell the truth, xWH was the moral compass of our family for a very long time. He was the one who taught me, he was the one who was black and white and no gray areas. He let the gray in when he started his A and it consumed his life. I never thought he was stupid but living in the gray sure has made him that way.

tesla posted 4/23/2014 21:37 PM

Ex-shat also has no core personality. I was what he wanted to be. I became his conscience. He rose to what I was. My codependency didn't help and neither did his.

I was his touchstone. Unfortunately for him, it didn't fill the black hole inside him. He would always say that he wasn't good enough for me, that I deserved better than him. He leaves and his life becomes utter and complete shit...because he's surrounded himself with utter and complete shit.

I picked poorly. I kick myself a lot for having been unable to spot that he was reflecting and not being. Very hard lesson to learn...but the good news is that I can pick these types out very quickly now.

caregiver9000 posted 4/23/2014 21:41 PM

I don't think it is about black and white or gray. I would imagine that trying to live purely in a black or white world would be impossible and draining. Losing sight though of what is damaging and failing to care that actions hurt others... that is what I was thinking about.

I also think that many of the characteristics that make a good co-dependent are attractive to cheaters. I think that an entitled person exploiting a person's kindness, generosity and compassion is the most devastating combination. And I see it played out over and over here.

I believe it is possible for a person to change. To "go to the dark side." I have decided that Stretch didn't change, he just changed tactics. Perhaps you xWH did change. The midlife crisis is a real phenomenon. Maybe there was nothing to notice in your case until there was?

sunsetslost posted 4/23/2014 23:27 PM

With hindsight and the wisdom we gain through this process it's easy for me to see the cracks now. Up until d day I was perfectly willing to accept her flaws and I assumed she'd accept mine. Silly me.

And I call her Dummy. It's what I used to call her dog

outside4me posted 4/24/2014 00:09 AM

He leaves and his life becomes utter and complete shit...because he's surrounded himself with utter and complete shit.
If ya hang around trash, ya can't come out clean.
However, she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.
This is more my theory on wayward thinking. Moral bankruptcy and emotional illiteracy.

[This message edited by outside4me at 12:10 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Softcentre posted 4/24/2014 01:24 AM

My thoughts?

Every one of us has flaws,issues and poor coping mechanisms. But it's our choices that matter. Our choices, minute by minute, change who we are, minute by minute. Our conscience/moral compass etc help us to make better choices, so despite our flaws, most people keep on the socially acceptable/moral path, albeit with a few blips.

Some of us, when we make poor choices, try to cover it up, some of us take this further and are in self-denial about these poor choices. Either way, if we don't recognise when we get things wrong and try to put them right (even if it's only stopping ourselves from doing it again by putting better boundaries in place)...then we make more and more poor choices, going in a downwards spiral. The more poor choices we make, the more our poor choices change us for the worse, until we no longer resemble who we were.

So I think it's both. The groundwork for who they are now was always there, but it's their poor choices that have transformed them for the worst. And without us there to give more of a voice to morality/conscience etc, the more exaggerated their poor choices...especially if they now surround themselves only with people who agree with them.

On dday, we became a brutal mirror to them, showing them their every flaw. Remorseful WS faced it with courage. Unremorseful WS refused to look and blamed the mirror.

Guinness23 posted 4/24/2014 02:03 AM

They say that every cell in your body is replaced every ten years. For some reason, their cells started mutating into 'stupid' cells about, oh, five or ten years ago.

she has definetely become morally retarded. In fact mt WW had become so moraly handicapped I think she can now park closer to the entrance of department stores.

LLLLLLLLOOOOOOOLLLLLL!!!

(composed now)

greater part of my former marriage, xWH was a very intelligent man. In fact, I told more that one person over the course of 17 years that he was the smartest man I had ever met

Yes.

He projected what I wanted and he was GOOD at it. But it was an act. And he got tired of the act.


Absolutely positively YES.

No. This man wasn't stupid before, his brain and moral code eroded over time with mundane life not filled with sky diving, fast cars and tons of money. Factor immaturity in there behind a good "Elenor Rigby" face he kept in the jar by the door and BOOM. How could ANYONE believe that hiding, lying, cheating, keeping vampire hours to fuel your affair EVER be a GOOD thing? Not unless your brain has fogged over by the devil voices in your head that says THIS skank/asshole that I am meeting on the sly and can't be seen with in broad daylight that I am subjecting myself to a whole petree dish of STDS IS worth risking the loss of EVERYTHING....BUT....somehow the fucked up thinking makes them believe that NOPE...THEY will NEVER get caught and can go back to their lives unscathed.

The brain cells deteriorate because their moral compass opened the door.

[This message edited by Guinness23 at 2:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Sadmumma posted 4/24/2014 02:09 AM

The moron will never have Mensa knocking at his door... But he was certainly not an idiot, but the things coming out of his mouth lAtely.. Even the idiots are calling him stupid

Oh well, I dispose stupid is who stupid does

allatsea posted 4/24/2014 03:40 AM

This is one of the aspects of the infidelity that still baffles me to this day. I struggle with it all the time.

I actually get that people tire of their mundane life and the possibility of greener grass. It's not nice and it's not right, but I get it.

The most surprising and astonishing thing to get accustomed to is that my now ex was a very intelligent woman, very logical, with common sense and was never irrational. It's why we got on for so many years.

Even when I disregard the infidelity itself and also her immediate reaction when first being found out, her subsequent behaviour just hasn't been that of a clever or sane person.

I mean, who would accuse someone, in front of a judge, of things that could easily be proven otherwise?

Why would someone believe that I would simply walk away and never want to see my children again?

The logic she applies to the finances is actually laughable

Why would she think that the children would be happier with separated parents?

Why does she think that the two judges we had are idiots?

The list is infinite. Even down to the tiniest things. All reason, decency, honesty and intelligence is just gone. Overnight, in her case.

I can now easily see the cracks in her personality and that of her family (which on the surface was a family everone wanted to have) but I was immune before.

Sometimes I get so frustrated that I want to grab her shoulders and shake the stupid out of her. But it's pointless. If I shook the stupid out there would be nothing left inside.

PhantomLimb posted 4/24/2014 07:09 AM

I struggle with this as well. My X was an Ivy Leaguer, brilliant, seemingly a good man. I was convinced he had a mental breakdown or something for weeks after DDay.

What I've slowly come to realize is that, like many people here, I helped keep what was otherwise a crazy person in line all of these years, because he mirrored me. His family and friends have since said as much several times (now that they see what he's like without me). I suppose you could say that some of that was codependency to a degree (but I would say no more so than anyone else in a long term relationship/marriage). Mostly I am just a pretty stable, good natured, caring person who grew up with a parent who had a temper and personality similar to my X (brilliant but all over the map, constrained by weird habits and fears) and so when X acted that way, I just dealt with it or tuned him out and didn't see his behavior as full of red flags unless it was really outrageous or until his A, when the crazy swung back in my direction.

The cracks were there if you look. But it is crazy-making once you begin to connect those dots and draw a new map of the person you thought you were with.

jackie89 posted 4/24/2014 07:21 AM

I think the short answer is YES, they were always this stupid. We failed to see it, because we loved and accepted them as they were.

For the most part they are Intelligent human beings, but common sense stupid. But mostly, it really comes down to them being ENTITLED, and SELFISH, very SELFISH.

I just heard a quote the other day that made me laugh:

Ignorance can be corrected, Stupid is forever!!

Amazonia posted 4/24/2014 07:21 AM

Everything Tesla said was true for my ex and I too. If we had been together longer, and had a kid, I think I'd be dealing with much of what she deals with now - there are seriously SO MANY similarities between my XH and exshat.

SBB posted 4/24/2014 07:30 AM

The cracks were there if you look. But it is crazy-making once you begin to connect those dots and draw a new map of the person you thought you were with.

^^yep.

The sad clown was never bright or interesting. He was charming though and is an expert love bomber.

I had enough friends to sate my need for intellectual conversation. I used to tease him that I didn't think he could read - never cracked a single book the entire time I spent with him. I'm a HUGE reader.

He started smoking cigars because tobacco has no nicotine in it - the cigarette companies add nicotine. WTF? I don't know who was more astonished - me that he was so dumb or him when he Googled it. Yes. He had to Google it.

I used to find his simplicity charming. Now I just find him simple. A functioning idjat.

I can't believe I bred with it. My genes and personality traits are dominant in both girls. Phew.

sparkysable posted 4/24/2014 07:37 AM

I think it's a little bit of both.

I think we all have some red flags that we let ourselves justify away, but I also think that with my own situation and many I have seen here on SI, that these WS's suddenly lost their damned minds! Some of the behaviors were so sudden and shocking and unexpected, that it's no wonder some of us have a hard time "getting over it". Our lives were a lie and were suddenly shaken to the core.

I think that people can pretend to be something their not for a while, but they can not sustain it forever. Their true self comes out eventually.

JerseyCowgirl posted 4/24/2014 07:46 AM

Yes they were
People can fake almost everything to get others to believe in them.
Truly intelligent people stand on principle & honor their promises for they are the ones who are able to look ahead before every decision to see the possible outcomes & consequences of their decisions

Our WS's were unable to do this so they were indeed stupid.

Dreamboat posted 4/24/2014 08:13 AM

Oh, my X is still smart. When he was with me he knew what I required in a mate - responsible, job, involved, motivated, etc. He lived up to those requirements for 20 years. And he fooled me into thinking he loved me as much as I loved him.

However Awhore has no such requirements. Plus he really fooled her -- she thought he had money when *I* was the one making the money. With the help of his family he was able to keep up the "rich" facade after we D and Awhore fell for it, hook line and sinker. It was only after they M that she discovered the truth. And now he is a chronically unemployed deadbeat who mooches off her. Why? Because he can. Careful what you covet bitch!

Pages: 1 · 2

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 SurvivingInfidelity.com ®. All Rights Reserved.