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CanITrustHer posted 4/23/2014 21:20 PM

Quick backstory. 13 years ago my wife had an affair. It was ugly. We separated but finally.reconciled. Now.we have two beautiful daughters.

In general our marriage is good now...or perhaps it was. A few months ago she met a guy on a.girls ski trip. He lives close to where she grew up so they had something in common. She told me all this at.the time and I wasn't worried.

But now I'm starting to wonder. They've been texting and calling each other...and she's been deleting some of the texts. Also there have been other hints. She takes her phone w her everywhere where before she was constantly leaving g it around.

Well she's training for he spartan race and guess who she invited to come along...and stay at our house.

I'm just getting a really bad feeling about this.

I've done some spystick stuff and the deleted texts aren't too incriminating. Mostly flirting and talking about the

I'm trying not to let it get me down. I've started the 180 and am working out like a fiend.

Wish me luck.

brkn_heartd posted 4/23/2014 21:29 PM

I am sorry you find yourself here. Your gut is talking and I am sure there is a reason. If she is deleting them, there is a reason. She knows that she has crossed a boundary.

Starting the 180 is a good start, however, have you had any dialog with her? Will she be aware of why you are doing the 180 or will she think you are checking out? I wished in hind sight I would have been more forceful in demanding NC during the EA portion of my husband's A. We might have missed the PA portion. Maybe not...but I will never know. I kept believing his lies. I didn't stand my ground.

Keep posting, there is a lot of support here.

Crushed1 posted 4/23/2014 21:57 PM

Hi CanITrustHer,

I'm just getting a really bad feeling about this.

There's a reason you're having bad feelings, always trust your gut! If nothing has happened yet, she's at least on a slippery slope.

I wouldn't trust her, she's deleting messages, keeping her phone tied to herself (and that's a MAJOR red flag). Those who have nothing to hide hide nothing. Always!

I'd seriously question if maybe something already happened on that ski trip. She invited this guy to stay at your house? Why??? And why invite someone who I assume is a virtual stranger to watch her run in a race? Too close for comfort and it's awfully convenient having him in YOUR house....

Sorry friend, but there are many, many red flags waving right now and they're gonna get worse. Don't believe the "we're just friends" line which you've probably already heard or will hear in the near future. A good book you may consider purchasing is "Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass, an excellent book which explains boundaries and a host of other issues which cheater's suffer from.

Best of luck to you. You'll find wonderful support here.

Didact posted 4/23/2014 21:57 PM

That's how I found out. Big Red Flag.

RidingHealingRd posted 4/23/2014 22:02 PM

Your W had an A 13 years ago and you are now seeing some red flags. I would be quite concerned and would continue to monitor her.

I too wonder why you started the 180 when it sounds as if you are in stealth mode?

I'm just getting a really bad feeling about this.

^^^This is huge. Please do not disregard this.

Are you participating in the spartan race as well? I would not let her go alone with this guy.

Remain vigilant.

norabird posted 4/23/2014 22:24 PM

You need to set a boundary now on this guy. Trust the gut, always.

So sorry that she is placing you in this position.

CanITrustHer posted 4/24/2014 00:04 AM

Thanks for the kind words.

Let me clarify. He is running the race as well. Apparently, he's a big runner. She and my buddy and his son are running the race and they wanted a 4th.

She asked this guy... and offered to pay for his entry fee (nice touch).

As for something happening on the ski trip, I find that very unlikely. I know at least one of the women she went with and feel confident she would have told me. I guess anything is possible.

As for the 180. I guess I started it for myself so I could stay active and not fixate on this.

I really think that she thinks she's just found a new friend. I'm just worried about an impending EA affair or worse.

I'm conflicted over whether I should talk to her about my suspicions or stay in stealth mode and see what happens.

Back in the first affair, I feel that I confronted her too early without enough information which lead to dragging every nugget of data out of her. It sucked.

Something else that I'm doing differently is that I have told nobody else about my suspicions. Last time, I pulled in too many people and regretted it. Unfortunately, this means that I'm going it alone.

Still, I'm in a better place than last time. I was a wreck then. Crying, yelling, the whole deal. Hell, I once accidentally walked into traffic I was so out of it. No matter what happens, I will not fall apart again.

Thanks again for listening.

CanITrustHer posted 4/24/2014 00:20 AM

Something else kind of weird that I just thought of.

She has told me repeatedly that I have nothing to worry about with this guy. She says this out of the blue. It's kind of weird.

gonnabe2016 posted 4/24/2014 00:35 AM

I'm conflicted over whether I should talk to her about my suspicions or stay in stealth mode and see what happens.

I think No on the *stealth* mode thing. Don't sit back and let this go any further than it has.
This isn't your first rodeo with this cheating crap from her.
Confront the shit out of her.
All race-related contact needs to go through her buddy or buddy's son. If she needs a reason for this, then the *I have lots going on* one works.

Honestly, it sounds as if her first affair was basically rugswept at the time. And now you are seeing why rugsweeping doesn't work. If the *cheating* behavior is not addressed and 'fixed' on the cheater's just end up dealing with it again at some point down the road.

strengthandhope posted 4/24/2014 00:46 AM

If you want to stay married and be happy, I suggest setting some boundaries. You must communicate what is comfortable for you and what is not. It is strange that you would have stealth mode be an option...unless you are looking for a way out? Confrontation is painful for you and you are remembering what hurt you before. Did you ever truly heal from her first A?

I wish you luck, but my advice is to solve this now if you really want her to be your life partner. If she modifies her behavior to make you more comfortable, that would be the best case scenario for a positive future. If she doesn't, then you know what you need to do. Why make a game of it? Just be honest. ..With her and yourself. Best of luck.

Credence posted 4/24/2014 02:13 AM

I'm conflicted over whether I should talk to her about my suspicions or stay in stealth mode and see what happens
You need to talk to her. She needs to know that you will not put up with her deceitful behaviour and her newfound 'friend' needs to go. You can stop this from turning into a full-blown PA (if it isn't already one) and save yourself a load of pain. Don't disclose your sources and keep watching to see if they take it underground.

She cheated on you 13 years ago and you gave her the opportunity to reconcile under the proviso that she never cheats again.

She is cheating again. It may not be physical but she is deceiving you and flirting with another man behind your back. She is deleting texts for one reason and one reason only - she doesn't want you to read them. Why doesn't she want you to read seemingly harmless texts? Guilt! If she has reason to feel guilty then she knows she's doing wrong.

She has told me repeatedly that I have nothing to worry about with this guy. She says this out of the blue. It's kind of weird.
This behaviour reminds me of my WW's behaviour with her third OM. In hindsight, she did everything she possibly could to convince me that he wasn't a threat so that she could spend time with him without alarm bells going off in my head. It worked, I stupidly believed what she told me and she was free to do whatever she was doing with him.

If you maintain stealth and this turns physical you will not be able to undo it. Take action now.

jb3199 posted 4/24/2014 05:47 AM


I wish you luck, but my advice is to solve this now if you really want her to be your life partner.

This is crucial.

A key element to ANY healthy marriage, is communication---whether there has been infidelity or not. She is your wife...your partner for life...and you are supposed to be able to tell her anything---and vice versa.

What your wife is doing right now is wrong. She is not making her husband feel safe in the marriage---and for good reason, as there has been a history of poor behavior in the past. But friend, if you go into stealth mode, your wife is going to take it too far once again---if she hasn't already. That is why I believe you need to talk to her. THEN you can see what she does or doesn't do with her new information.

I know that you don't want to do the spying thing all over again. And I know how draining the hypervigilance can be. But with one deep, heartfelt conversation with her, you may be able to avoid much of this. And for the record, I am not trying to give your wife any slack---I am just trying to stress the importance of communication.

Maybe she is already a full-blown wayward again. Maybe she is on the slippery slope. But unless you let her know how you feel, she won't even evaluate her current *friendship*, because she is not looking at it through the glasses of reality that you are.

Tell her how you feel. Don't reveal any sources. Then observe her actions. A simple conversation may derail a lot of future pain.

Jrazz posted 4/24/2014 06:03 AM

She has told me repeatedly that I have nothing to worry about with this guy. She says this out of the blue. It's kind of weird.

Yikes. That's pretty textbook for a preemptive ass-cover. None of us can see what you see, but there are some glaring red flags here. Perhaps it's not an EA or PA, but at the very least there is something going on in her heart. No more blind trust, and do NOT let her know that she is under investigation or it will go deeper in a second.

I'm so sorry you have to be here. Protect yourself and start looking into stealthier ways of surveying her communication.


[This message edited by Jrazz at 6:06 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

OK now posted 4/24/2014 06:07 AM

Great post from jb3199; stop waiting for the affair to begin as it seems well on the way to initiation. Your wife was forgiven 13 years ago so she is already an adulterer and now you have 2 daughters you definitely won't divorce. Just a harmless, teeny-weeny affair to brighten up her life and you probably won't find out.

Confront her; stop this crap now. She doesn't have your full trust and she never will with behavior like this. Your wife seeks validation and will not see that if you get too close to the flames you will get burned. The praise and compliments come at a price and you will be the one paying for them. After she is caught cheating, she will blubber and sniff, promise you it will never happen again just like she did before.

Be harsh; no more contact with the OM, and a promise that further adultery will end the marriage.

UpInTheAirNow posted 4/24/2014 07:02 AM

If you want to share your wife with this stranger then let him sleep over and let her continue texting him. If he is a threat to you or your marriage then have her send him a no contact letter. Have her make a choice either you or him. Pick one right now. The cell phone is a huge trigger for me. I'm angry for you. Sucks when you have to play detective.

tushnurse posted 4/24/2014 07:18 AM

Nope Not ok not in the tiniest bit.
She is deleting texts. She is hiding things.
THIS IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE behavior in a WS. Former or not. Complete and total transparency lasts forever.

I also think she is on a very slippery slope that you seem rather passive about. I would tell her that you don't trust her, you are going down the path you did before, and it scares the shit out of you. But that you will NOT be abused this time, and if she chooses to continue her behavior you are more than prepared to show her the door.

You have to take very strong stance on this.

Mac4 posted 4/24/2014 07:37 AM


No you can't trust her. The fact that you are posting this here and what your gut is telling you is clear. TRUST YOUR GUT! You cannot trust her or this situation. This one hits awful close to home for me.

My backstory was I discovered my wife texting her tennis coach inappropriately, very much an EA at that point. Used spyware and confronted her and it stopped. For a while, then it resumed, she locked her phone, used the excuse that it was to keep kids from playing games on it without permission. I didn't push it, but for years I was suspicious; and I didn't trust my gut. Now I am relatively fresh off of discovering her 3 year PA with him! Set boundaries, and stop this behavior for your marriage.

"Not Just Friends" by Dr. Shirley Glass, is an excellent book as recommended. Insist that she read it as well.

Take a stand, be strong and good luck!

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/24/2014 07:47 AM

Wow, I hate to say it, but you're really in denial. And unfortunately, THAT'S going to get you steamrolled.

1. NO, it's NOT alright that she's texting and flirting with a new male 'friend' and is now deleting their texts because she knows damned WELL she's crossing the line with him.

2. NO, it's not ok for her to pay for this creep to run the race. Is she going to chew his damned food for him, too?

3. NO, it's not ok for him to live in your house while these two have been playing cat and mouse via text every day. What a complete and utter show of DISRESPECT to you - why would you passively allow this?

3. NO, it's not ok for you to sit quietly by doing the 180 and keeping your fingers crossed that it will all just somehow work out in the end.

Time to stand up for yourself and lose the passive outlook. Being passive gets you nowhere.

You either nip this nonsense in the bud right now, or prepare to deal with yet another affair.

Good luck to you.

CanITrustHer posted 4/24/2014 08:01 AM

You guys make some good points. I'll talk to her.

alback posted 4/24/2014 08:02 AM

CantTrustHer, sorry you are here - and you are correct, You Can't Trust Her.

Unfortunately, you have trusted her as you had no problem with her going on a ski trip without you. She proved herself 13 years ago, and she is proving herself again now with this AP.

Other posters are correct about the red flags.

You seem to want to believe her, and appear to have taken this very lightly. This probably is not true, but instead you are hoping this will pass. It won't unless you man up and show your wife this is not acceptable in your marriage.

Yes, she told you - I don't know why. He is from the area where she lived, so what? She was willing to meet with a strange man, spend time with him at the ski resort and share herself knowing you are at home. They became cozy enough that they shared personal contact information. I emphasize, this guy is not an old friend, he is a strange man who was picking up your wife. She remains a willing participant as the affair has continued for months. Not only does she continue to keep the affair going, she hides her actions from you. She is cheating like she did 13 years ago.

She has no boundaries in her marriage to you, and it is about to get ugly again if you do not take some of the excellent advise given here. This is not flirting, she is paying his way to be with him.

As to the spartan run... you are working out. The fourth runner should be you, not him. He didn't plan the run until your wife invited him, and to your home without discussing it first?

Your wife needs to be 100% transparent with you. You need to know everything that has transpired - I suspect they were intimate prior to her arrival home.

Is this guy married, if so be sure to let his wife know.

You must protect yourself, your daughters from this potential ugly mess. Your wife is not what she says, she is what she has done. Act now.

Good luck,

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