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loosing my mind

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Youngtears28 posted 4/23/2014 22:59 PM

please bare with me I cant keep up with the abbreviations.
Where do I start. My husband and I have been together 13 years and married 5. we have a 4 year old son and a 10 month old daughter. we have had our fair share of fights but to be honest everything was due to his excessive drinking and staying out with friends when he should have been home with me and our son. Ive caught him so many times with emails, porn, text messages, and even right before our daughter was born I had a stranger call to tell me he was sleeping with my best friend and I told the lady that unless she had a actual text or something from her saying it then I cant believe her do to hearsay. This is also after my husband is pacing the floor cause my friend had called warning me that she had told on that girl for cheating on her husband and she was trying to get back at her by coming after me cause I was pretty much the only friend that was married. My husband is crapping his pants telling me that for once he was doing right by me and I believed him. it was hard. but my friend was always there during our arguments and through everything else that has happened in the 4 years that I knew her and she always stressed on how much she wouldn't put up with him and how she would have left him a long time ago. saying things like I don't trust those hoes and I wouldn't be friends with them, I would have punched her in the face by now. etc.
So my beautiful daughter turns 9 months old. we all were getting over a stomach bug and all had been quite cause we had just bought a house and moved out of our tiny trailer. things finally seemed to be getting back to normal. sex was getting really good again. I felt so connected to him.
and then. she texts me. telling me that she needed to tell me shes slept with him and she knows shes not the only person...blah blah blah. needless to say long story short she had been screwing my husband for the past entire 4 years that weve been friends with her. that she couldn't live with the lie anymore and hopes ill one day forgive her. my first response is why. and NO ONE can answer that question. so round and round we go. and he comes home from work.
He lied to my face until I gave him my phone and he read our text. he admits to her. denied anyone else. I couldn't get out of bed. I couldn't remember to feed my daughter anything besides nursing her. I couldn't function. I took two hot burning my skin hot showers to try and get warm and feel something other than empty and dirty.
Cause keep in mind, before I stayed home with my kids I worked full time in a gyn office so I was helping this B try to get pregnant with who she said was several other men. but in fact was MY HUSBAND and several other men.
I pulled myself together cause my very smart 4 year old knew something was up. I took them somewhere and I cant remember now where but he asked to go and I let him but I didn't speak to him.
the next morning... I talked to my friends at the moment sex toy cause she doesn't have relationships, never had never will cause all she wanted was kids, marriage and happy ever after but she was mean to the guys she was with and everyone thought she was a lesbian. (no offense)
her new man which happens to be a old one too that she off and on screwed around with. he tells me theres more women that my husband had admitted to him before and he was able to get more info out of her. like at least ten times over 4 years. time line keeps jumping cause it was after my son but no one can really tell me the truth. and most of all that he found her texting my husband the week before and that he told her either she comes clean or hes gone. so she came clean.
now this b is all up on fb that shes a better person for coming clean and has the love of a man that loves her for who she is and blah blah. Bullcrap cause im pretty sure they've already ended again..hahah sucks to be you!
my cousin calls her out on fb, and war starts. I made her confront me face to face. and after her mother drove by to make sure no one was with me and my daughter then she came and sat down. cause keep in mind im a big girl but this girl is taller by about 4 inches and a heck of a lot larger in size.
all she could say for herself is that he made her feel good about herself. that shes weak and that after him messaging her over and over that she finally gave in. and then she wanted to know what I did about the other girls. I told her none of her business but im taking care of them.
now to the other girls. after talking to her man and getting info from him, I confronted my husband once more about the others and told him I knew in my heart there was more and he wasn't telling me the truth. he replied that "I wouldn't want him if he tells me the truth". so he confesses. To the one I suspected all along, her and her husband who like to steal other men from other relationships to try and make their crappy marriage work. and to a girl I was friends with back in high school that was dating his best friend. Now I don't now why but that one is honestly not bothering me cause I guess it was 10 years ago...idk.
to the other friend and her husband. That girl keeps pretending that she doesn't know why im upset and that she doesn't have a problem with me. etc. See we all have the same friends that we hang out with.
IVE NOT KEPT ANYTHING QUITE EVERYONES NAME AND BUSSINESS IS OUT THERE. I feel like I have nothing to hide and its not my fault and they are the ones that need to be ashamed of theirselves.
this girl is being a coward and lying still and just being a piece of crap completely. my thing is ive asked my husband how many times with them and I kept getting a few times I cant remember. and when was the last time. I don't remember a while back.
so finally at my breaking point.... I kicked him out of the house for 4 days and that was cause we cant afford a place for him to go and he refused to tell or disrupt anyone else's home. he has poured his heart out to me that he only wants me and the kids and nothing more. hasn't left my side other than work. has given me access to his phone, email, fb everything without getting upset. messages me when he gets to work and when he leaves cause it tells me where hes at on the fb app. I made him shave his beard cause the one friend is the one that got him to keep it shaved in the way he did. I shaved his hair more on accident cause I screwed up a fade lol. hes deleted a lot of his friends. got std checked which results should be back tomorrow. he talked to our preacher who married us and confessed everything to him but in my opinion isn't still being 100% with him. he reached out and was going to tell my mom what was going on, but im close with my mom so she already knew. hes constantly wanting to hug and kiss me. etc. constantly telling me hes soo sorry and wont ever hurt me again. takes full blame and is waiting for me to blast everything on fb. agreeing to therapy anything I want so he can keep me.
but since this came out three weeks ago this Friday, ive caught him up in several more lies. and today I sat down, I told him im not ready to give up on us, and that after 13 years I have left after all the crap he has put me through, but he has to let me in, he has to tell me stuff. then he once again tells me the truth that the one girl with the husband, she messaged him two days ago asking whats been going on, that she hopes we can work things out. and he says he told her that he told me about them and that shes never to message him again etc. BUT he deleted the messaged and lied about it once again.
ive gone through every emotion. I lost 15 pounds in 4 days. I couldn't eat. almost lost my milk supply for my daughter which I don't think is right still cause dr says she hasn't gained any weight in three month. so we will see at her 6 week weight check.
I want answers....I want to know why most importantly, which they've all kind of answered that. I want when was the most recent time for any actions. I want to know who started the crap to begin with. a part of me wants details but a part of me knows ill get violently ill knowing details. hes told me what he says he can remember, and I give him credit cause he cant remember anything but this is something he needs to figure out. after he came clean about the couple I got violent and kept hitting him in the chest and he just stood there taking it until I fell into the floor. im not a violent person and have never been in a fight but im so ready to kill someone right now!
I know these girls aren't the only to blame. but the one was my friend and she should have told me what he was doing if he was the one starting it. I believe she wanted my life she wanted me to end it with him so she could try and get him and getting close to my kids would make it easier for her to try and be step mommy or whatever. the other girl knew, she freaking knew I would have her ass if I caught her screwing around with him cause she has done it soo many times to our other friends and everyones just kept quite. well shes met her match, im not quite and everyone knows their business. I want to post them on but im scared of being sued?? its not like theres anything else they can take from me...nothing is in my name.
I feel alone and like im going there anyone that has stayed in the marriage afterwards and the marriage turn out the way it should?

Crushed1 posted 4/23/2014 23:28 PM

(((Youngtears))) A lot of us have stayed in our marriages. But it's been a long, hard road to travel and your H will need to do a lot of hard work on himself if you will have a chance of making it work.

I'm older than you but can relate to many of the issues you're dealing with! My H also hung out way too much with his friends, was drinking a lot, doing drugs, and viewing porn. He was even signed up at several cheater websites! He always denied everything, even when proof was there in black and white. He also told me I 'wouldn't want him if I knew everything'.

When serial cheating (multiple partners) is involved it's even more daunting to try and work it out. My H only confessed to cheating with one person but it turned out there were several others. I got a few weird phone calls and he'd always tell me that "people are jealous of us and trying to destroy us", but it turns out they were telling me the truth!

I'm sorry for your pain. You will find your way through this mess, just hang in here.

Youngtears28 posted 4/23/2014 23:35 PM

Thank you crushed1, I honestly don't know where to go from here. cause the lies are continuing even after all this. I feel like his mother telling him how things are going to be if he wants to keep me. im going to put the detail call log on his phone tomorrow which he knows and is aware of. id love for him to change his number but everyone else would get it and the others would have it in time again as well. idk if the company can block numbers or if that's something we have to do from his phone. no one ever calls the house so that isn't a worry.
I honestly just am exhausted. I watch up to 4 other kids that aren't mine during the day to help bring in some money and im loosing my mind trying to think of them and think about all this. ]I don't know what questions I should ask and what ones I should leave alone.

Gotmegood posted 4/24/2014 00:26 AM

Young- take a breath. First of all, you must prioritize things. You and your children come first. Spend all of your energy there for a while. Make sure that you and your kids are eating well and are hydrated.
One smart thing is that he has gone for STD testing, brilliant. Next, when you take the baby in for check-up, if you aren't managing well you might talk to your Dr about getting something short-term to help you sleep. Pediatricians recognize that new Moms are dealing with a lot of stress...but with this bullshit piled on too, you really may need something to help you deal.
I would stop all communication with the 'other women', for you and your husband. For now at least. Only surround yourself with helpful people, like your mother right now.
The truth? The truth is your husband is a liar and a cheater. You have been mistreated, and are crushed. It really sucks. There is a place on this site called the Healing Library and you need to read about detaching from him for right is called the 180, and it will help you. And keep posting here. All of us have had the same basic shit happen. How it ends up...way down the road for you.....will depend on how your stupid husband behaves and grows and whether or not he chooses live a healthier, respectful and honest life. You have no control over that. But you do control you.

sunsetslost posted 4/24/2014 00:40 AM

I'm sorry Young. We are here to support you. Look at all of your options and if you haven't done it yet, please seek therapy. It saved my life

Youngtears28 posted 4/25/2014 23:15 PM

Thank you both, I had to end up going to my best "guy friend" who's also a preacher and the man that married me and my husband. They had a gym at the church and he allowed me to go in and punch a punching bag.
My husband is remorseful and had been answering all of my repeat 1million questions.
Says he handled her messaging and deleted it cause he's afraid where things are barely hanging on he didn't want to take the chance that it would make it worse. I had to explain to him that the lying is the problem and her messaging him isn't going to make me mad at him, the lying is.
We're getting detailed billing on his cell phone line so I know who is texting or calling. I already have his passwords to everything.
I can't get a damn therapist to get me an appt, so I had to call a different place and needed to call back with information and I just can't think right now. I get through the day and I'm so exhausted and then I can't sleep cause he works midnights and I'm alone and scared and have been since my son was born. I just don't know which way is up,I feel crazy like one min I'm happy and the next I want t cry.

Youngtears28 posted 4/25/2014 23:44 PM

@ gotmegood, I can't find the article your talking about, can you help?

nekorb posted 4/26/2014 07:03 AM

I'm so sorry you are here. (((Hugs)))

the lies are continuing even after all this.

I seriously doubt they are going to stop either. You need to worry about you and the kids and let him twist in the wind.

The drama here needs to be cranked down about 1000 notches. Nothing productive is going to happen from contacting all these OW. Focus on you and the kids.

The Healing Library is in the upper left hand corner in that little yellow box. Click on that, click BS FAQ, topic 11.


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