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Ok so here's the thing. I hate what I did when I had my A. I hate certain behaviors about myself but I dont hate myself all the time anymore. Sometimes I like me. Sometimes I realize I am not terrible and im a pretty good person dare I say I may make someone a really good partner one day when I am ready again. Then I realize how I am feeling and feel bad for feeling good. I immediately think of why I should be feeling bad which sends me down the rabbit hole for days. For instance I am not 100% healthy. I have insomnia most nights and when I am finally exhausted catch maybe 1-4 hours of sleep before my 10 hour shift. I woke up late a few times and was honest and said I woke up late. If you can give away your hours and not take paid time off it doesn't count against you so i'll do that too to get some rest. Now once or twice I have lied and felt terrible about it. Have said my internet connection went down for an hour or so just to rest because I can barely keep my eyes open. I hate that I've done this when I am trying to live a life of honesty and integrity. Start my rabbit hole journey. I lied about the reason I needed an hour, whats to keep me from lying about anything else. I lied when I was having the A and hated her. What if I can never change, why would I lie, I dont lie about anything else. It was not okay to like about that no matter how much I needed the rest. And it just goes on. So I have already told myself no more lying, since this is the only lies I have told in all this time since beginning my journey of self discovery it is something that should be easy to conquer.

But then I will feel okay again. Having come to a resolution and doing more digging and work on myself makes me feel like progress is being made towards me being a safe partner. Then I realize I feel ok and yup cue my rabbit hole thinking. Do you see a cycle yet?

Any advice guys?

Seems like the lack of sleep is the real issue. Without enough sleep, judgement and reasoning suffer, among other things.

What do you think your insomnia is about? I don't have problems with insomnia, but my sleep patterns often get mixed up and it's due in part to work schedule and diet, including consumption of alcohol. When things really get out of whack, that's when I get in similar circular patterns of thinking like you describe in your post. So your feeling guilty about not feeling guilty may be more about your physical health than your emotional health. Maybe?

Feeling pretty good about myself!

Why should I deserve to feel good, after all the bad shit I've done?

How could I have done that? WTF is wrong with me?

I suck.

Just started going through something similar. Haven't cycled back up to the top yet. So, no advice, but I think I get you.

Unahie

You do not suck!

Obviously you are a great person. You made some very bad choices at a very bad time in your life. Do not let the choices define you as a person but let the way you handle it show you that You Are a Great Person. Chin up walk with pride you do deserve it! BELIEVE in yourself.

[This message edited by heartache101 at 6:57 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

FWIW, my insomnia is tied to anxiety. If my anxiety is through the roof & I can't shut off my brain, so to speak, I will be up quite a bit. For me, it's an indicator to me that my depression may be sneaking up on me again, so I have to take a one-off anti-anxiety pill to stop the progression. The pill has the side effect of helping me sleep, too, so that helps. It's something to consider.

Unagie,

How did you feel about yourself prior to what you did? Did you have a need to make yourself feel bad prior to the A?

Unagie I have no words of wisdom for you except that I wanted to tell you that I have respected you from my first day on SI (long before I registered). Because of my situation I knew that I had more to learn from waywards than from betrayeds, and you were the first voice that struck me.

First, it struck me because your user name is awesome. But I won't go into sushi and eel here.... now I'm hungry.

More importantly, your voice stood out to be because you have this amazing ability to share, with stunning insight, your own vulnerabilities, weaknesses, and flaws. Yet a moment later you can give, with stunning insight, good and solid advice to others.

You spend every day on here trying to improve yourself and trying to help others. That's more than most people can say.

How did you feel about yourself prior to what you did? Did you have a need to make yourself feel bad prior to the A?

Prior to my A I was depressed often but for the most part I liked myself. I blocked a lot of my actions and focused on who I was trying to be. A lot of my life was dedicated to xSO and my family. I preferred to care for others then to ever focus on me because focusing on me felt selfish. I never felt the need to make myself feel bad but I did take on a lot of responsibility I didn't have to.

20 wrongs im so sorry you are here too.

Baxtersbff it could very well be the lack is sleep. I will be exhausted and be staring at the ceiling. I have no idea how I do my job efficiently. My anxiety can keep me up and I am also on meds for the health issues I mentioned. When I dont take it I sleep but thats not an option.

Split it could be centered in anxiety and I've considered meds in the past but havent wanted to go on them.

Heartache and tickingtock thank you that means a lot truly it does.

Ok, a couple of things here. Has depression been a problem for you for awhile or for a long time?

two, does focusing on yourself now have to be in a negative light? I get the feeling that in order for you to focus on yourself it has taken on a negative bend to it. Can you start to focus on yourself on yourself in a positive manner and no longer go down the negative road?

Depression has been an issue for years. I just never acknowledged it.

I an trying to be more positive which is what allows me my positive moments. I pull myself out of it more often then not but if I am being honest the negative still happens far to often for my liking. Mental images work sometimes. The stop sign in my head, distracting myself with something active and good for me. Definitely still a work in progress though.

Do you have a plan for how to deal with the depression? Do you feel that it is situational? or is it something that you may be dealing with for the rest of your life?

Have you asked yourself what your payoff is for making yourself feel negative? When your mind heads that way, what becomes the payoff for going down that road internally?

Myself, depression is also something that I have dealt with off and on. My counselor has wanted me to go back on meds recently, I have fought it because I don't like the numb feeling I get. I need to deal with the feelings I have. However, I am dealing with chronic pain, so that overwhelms my ability to properly cope with my other feelings. So until the chronic pain is dealt with, I have to go back on meds. Not my favorite plan, but one I need to do.

When we have depression, we need to manage ourselves. That is why I ask what your plan is.

it could be centered in anxiety and I've considered meds in the past but havent wanted to go on them.

YMMV, but FWIW: I resisted meds for YEARS. There's an anxiety form of depression, which is the one I get. I don't get weepy or whatnot when I'm in the midst of it. What happens to me is I progressively can't function. I'll spend 8 hours on the couch doing absolutely nothing but staring off into space & then get up at the last possible moment, sleepwalk through the rest of my day, go to bed, get up again because I can't sleep, watch horrible TV or zone more, nap, repeat. All that time, I can't shut off my brain. Not that I have any idea what I'm distracted with, what problem I'm working through....it's just noise. Beer was great for self-medicating, as it dulled all that & actually worked as an upper for me....it made me want to engage.

I'm prone to depression, but I think the severity of this bout was kicked off with PPD that I never shook, which was only made worse by a second pregnancy & then the toxic hell that is depression feeding itself.

Anyway, my doc put me on Zoloft to fix my brain. And she gave me Ativan to use as needed for anxiety. This particular mix can be dangerous for an alcoholic, like me. The first six weeks were the worst because I had to go off beer. Completely. I tried like hell to bargain my way into keeping it...I practically begged the pharmacist to give me the OK, and she insisted I stay sober until 6 weeks had passed. I did still drink from time to time after that, but overall, I let the meds do their thing.

I took my Zoloft all the time. I only took the lowest possible dose of Ativan when it was absolutely necessary (generally, after I'd been a dumbass & gotten drunk the night before, messing with my serotonin levels).

My doc said I might need them for a year, might need them for life, but the year was a minimum time frame, as it takes that long to fix your brain.

Anyway, when I get overmedicated on Zoloft, all of my symptoms come back with a vengeance. When that started happening on a low therapeutic dose, I decided to ween off since it had been 18 months.

I did fine. I am fine. My brain works again. I can feel things again. I don't think there are adequate words to express my relief & gratitude for that. Every so often, something will trigger a depressive episode, but here's the cool thing: For me, Ativan can snap it, completely, with a low dose. If I don't allow it to progress & take over, one lil' half pill can nip the episode in the bud. I still have days where I feel sad, but that's different, and I know it. It's also OK to have days where I feel sad--I need to experience those emotions, too, since they've been buried for so long.

Anyway, I was a stubborn idiot for years & did the "I can beat this on my own" thing. But when there's something chemically off in your brain, the odds are good you can't. My only regret is not recognizing my depression sooner. I didn't realize that's what it was, truly, or the extent of it until I read a "you might be depressed if" checklist & read my life. For me, fixing that would have fixed so much more in my life, as without that correction, real healing would not be possible for me.

I hate certain behaviors about myself but I dont hate myself all the time anymore. Sometimes I like me. Sometimes I realize I am not terrible and im a pretty good person dare I say I may make someone a really good partner one day when I am ready again. Then I realize how I am feeling and feel bad for feeling good.

I go through this, too. It's especially hard when one of my good times coincide with one of BW's low times. It has happened this week, and I ask myself how I can feel good when BW is miserable. I have no answers, except that I try to be honest with myself about what is happening. Feeling good about myself is a goal, not a problem.

Insomnia was one of the bad parts about my depression. When I was in a hole, I barely slept for weeks. Which made depression worse, in a downward spiral. I was really resistant to admitting a problem for years.

I admit I am fortunate. I use a AD that doesn't have many side effects. I don't feel numb. I have some sleeping pills that I use as needed. When I went on the AD's, I used half an ambien every night for about a week. Have barely used them since.

Hope I'm not breaking any rules here by sharing this part, but this article on Cracked (yes, Cracked of all places) was what got me started on the path to recovery:

5 Stupid Habits You Develop Growing Up in a Broken Home

http://www.cracked.com/blog/5-stupid-habits-you-develop-growing-up-in-broken-home/

The author links to this page re: Dysfunctional families: http://www.counseling.txstate.edu/resources/shoverview/bro/dysfunc.html

And both articles helps me see how my past helped shape me into the person I was as well as the environment I was creating in my own family dynamics.

I swear it used to link to this page re: depression, too: http://www.counseling.txstate.edu/resources/shoverview/bro/depress.html

I don't know...but all of them helped me get a reality check of sorts...the motivated me to talk to my doc, and it's been a slow climb back out ever since.

Split,

That article on Cracked was good.

Another useful reference for me:

21 Tips to Keep Your Shit Together When You’re Depressed.

http://www.diycouturier.com/post/47249603128/21-tips-to-keep-your-shit-together-when-youre