Do you ever find yourself being defensive about things that really don't matter?
I do it because all of it is part of my internal dialogue/struggle.
To me, it matters that I fought off negative urges & won. That doesn't minimize the fact that I also lost that battle at points along the way. It's simply a desire by me to own both sets of facts.
For me, if I have to discard my mini-victories, then I leave myself wondering what's the point. The desire to change, to improve, is important, and actively working toward that change is important. It doesn't make "just this one" OK; it simply gives me something positive to hold on to when I find myself wondering if I can do this.
And re: this:
What matters is that I ever went at all but yet I find myself saying something stupid like I didn't go all the time.
Take what I say next with a grain of salt because I don't have the repercussions of A confession in play in my relationship.
But I can totally see myself giving that knee-jerk response to BH. That would be wrong of me to do, as were I presenting my inner dialogue to him, it'd come across as minimizing, as "congratulate me for doing well some of the time instead of demonizing me for my poor decisions." I need to maintain those truths in my mind for inner strength...reassurance that I can do this. But I don't think it'd be fair to put that level of discernment onto what I share with BH.
LTA ended Jan. 1, 2014; NC started in April.
Married 17 years.
No DDay; this, like all of life's decisions, is a work in progress.
My best thinking brought me to SI.