DDay was in December of last year. I have tried everything in that time to help improve our situation (timeline, full disclosure, MC and IC). We both identify that we communicate far better than before DDay and in many ways our relationship has improved. We love each other and demonstrate this often. We have been in HB since DDay.
This week she said to me i love you I hate the idea of not being with you. I dont think I can ever get over the big issues of the affair - Trust forgiveness etc. I want us to break up.
Since she said that the dynamics of the relationship changed. She initiates all contact ( I respond immediately) The recrimination has died down and generally we have clung to each other for support and comfort and an oasis of happiness. With one hand I am being pushed away and with the other I am drawn in.
She says that she does not want to feel that she can never see me again or contact me. She has advocated a kind of tapering down of our relationship as opposed to a clean break because it feels to painful.
My heart says that if we separate without an agenda of reconciliation
it will be the first time in our relationship that we would have been without each other. Since DDay she has had no chance to really miss me. When we talk about the future neither of us seem able to face that the other person wont be in it....perhaps it is the process. When she speaks it doesn't sound over. i.e We are both going to go travelling at the end of the year she talks about us travelling together at some point.
My therapist said it doesn't sound over and resolved. Am I a fool to hope?
My head says if we split but carry on being close and intimate we are deferring pain for the future. I will be the sap that she loves, but love will eventually turn to resentment. I would do anything for her.
In the back of my mind I hope that perhaps not being with me will make her reconsider whether trust and forgiveness in some form could be a future possibility. BS comments welcome.