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Is this the roller coaster or delusion?

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Elasticman posted 4/24/2014 08:25 AM

DDay was in December of last year. I have tried everything in that time to help improve our situation (timeline, full disclosure, MC and IC). We both identify that we communicate far better than before DDay and in many ways our relationship has improved. We love each other and demonstrate this often. We have been in HB since DDay.

This week she said to me i love you I hate the idea of not being with you. I dont think I can ever get over the big issues of the affair - Trust forgiveness etc. I want us to break up.

Since she said that the dynamics of the relationship changed. She initiates all contact ( I respond immediately) The recrimination has died down and generally we have clung to each other for support and comfort and an oasis of happiness. With one hand I am being pushed away and with the other I am drawn in.

She says that she does not want to feel that she can never see me again or contact me. She has advocated a kind of tapering down of our relationship as opposed to a clean break because it feels to painful.

My heart says that if we separate without an agenda of reconciliation
it will be the first time in our relationship that we would have been without each other. Since DDay she has had no chance to really miss me. When we talk about the future neither of us seem able to face that the other person wont be in it....perhaps it is the process. When she speaks it doesn't sound over. i.e We are both going to go travelling at the end of the year she talks about us travelling together at some point.

My therapist said it doesn't sound over and resolved. Am I a fool to hope?

My head says if we split but carry on being close and intimate we are deferring pain for the future. I will be the sap that she loves, but love will eventually turn to resentment. I would do anything for her.

In the back of my mind I hope that perhaps not being with me will make her reconsider whether trust and forgiveness in some form could be a future possibility. BS comments welcome.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 09:41 AM

Hi Elasticman,

I'm not sure if this is part of the process or not - could be. I hope for you it is part of her process and should she leave, she finds her way back to you.

It does sound like she's a little unsure of what she wants, but...

What are your options? I think you need to be prepared to tell her you love her and want to be with her and not to separate as a couple, but if that's what she needs to do to be a healthy, happy and whole person, you need to support that and let her do what she needs to do for her.

We cannot hang on to people who do not wish to be held.

I'm not saying give up on her, don't do that. Hang on to your hope, if you love her and want to stay together. Someone has to hang on and if she's letting go, you hang on to the two of you. Don't smother her, don't beg her to stay - just be steady with your words and presence and commitment to the relationship.

You are understandably afraid and confused and it's okay to voice that fear and confusion to her. Try to keep the lines of communication between the two of you open and give her the space and time she needs.

You have to be willing to ride the roller coaster if that's what it is to find out what's really going on with her.

Hang in there and be honest and strong.


jstbreathe posted 4/24/2014 09:42 AM

It's more like the "Demon Drop!" At 4-5 months out, I had no in-between, just extreme highs and lows. One minute I would think, "I can do this, we will make it," then the next I would see no hope for the future and beg for a divorce. The pain is so overwhelming at times, all you can think of is to escape.

Remember, anger is caused by fear. So, when she is extremely angry her fear is extremely high. Usually the fear is abandonment. Don't abandon her, stay the course and hold on. Be consistent, patient, and never waver. She needs to feel safe.

Best of luck.

BrokenButTrying posted 4/24/2014 10:14 AM

Hey EM,

Our Dday was in December too. Four months yesterday actually.

My BH is in exactly the same place as your BW. Pushing me away with one hand, pulling me in with the other.
We are separated so he can have a healing space when things get too much but he spends a lot of time at the house and we have many intimate and close moments.

Do NOT give up hope. I'm clinging onto it with all my might.

Her anger is pain, validate her feelings. Be loving, understanding, empathetic and patient. Ride the roller coaster with her.

Four months is too early to make a decision, she doesn't know what she wants and you have to be there right by her side until she does.

Me? I will never give up, never walk away, never stop trying until he hands me the divorce papers.

[This message edited by BrokenButTrying at 10:15 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Elasticman posted 4/24/2014 10:33 AM

Thank you. I don't want to give up hoping. Neither of us wants to not see or be with the other so I imagine communication will continue. Friends worry that I am deluding myself and not looking after my needs in the light of her stated wishes. If she contacts me my need to respond is automatic. I wish the best to all of you. I'd have folded without this forum. X

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 10:43 AM

I have come to realize through this process that friends, while trying to be supportive, do not live your life or know your relationship and spouse as well as you do.

Don't let others influence your decsion making on the matter. What matters is what you think.

Everyone thought my wife was completely insane for hanging on to us when I left. She held on to the two of us and was persistent in her presence and love and hope.

I returned to her, our marriage and family and I'm 100% committed to making it work. Should she have a similar reaction that your spouse is having, I'm right there fighting for us. Like Brokenbuttrying, until I'm handed divorce papers...or until I die.

Good luck to you...

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