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One day to the next.

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Kisabiotch posted 4/24/2014 10:00 AM

How can I feel so strong one day and then the very next day feel so weak? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to just run yet the need to be held at the same time. What I have done in my life that was so terrible that I deserve this? I am a good person with a heart bigger than most. Is this some kind of mental test , like let's see how strong she really is and those giving the test sit back and laugh when I break. What do I need to do to make it stop. I just want 2 good days in a row so I have something to look back on and say see it's not all bad. How could somebody who is supposed to love me do this to me? How could he do this to our girls who always thought of him as their hero? I don't understand !!!!!

Mhiimg65 posted 4/24/2014 19:23 PM

How can I feel so strong one day and then the very next day feel so weak? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to just run yet the need to be held at the same time.

That's a pretty typical feeling for those of us who are going through this trauma. I don't know your story and don't know how fresh it is for you, so I can't give you an answer. (Even if I knew your story, I still couldn't give an answer because its still so fresh to me).

I just wanted to let you know that someone understands how you are feeling. We are being put to the test, but none of an A has anything to do with you, it has to do with the WS. It is his brokenness that caused all of this. He wasn't thinking about you at the time, only himself.

Go hug your girls and keep them close. Take care of yourself and your girls.

((hugs to you))

I wish I had better advise, but figured if I respond it will bump up your post to others who are more capable.

Raspberry posted 4/24/2014 19:52 PM

I thought I replied to this! :(

But I feel the same. I want the same asshole who caused me so much much pain, to hold me and.comfort me. You're not alone. I hate this and honestly don't wish it on my worst enemy.

LifeIsBroken posted 4/24/2014 19:56 PM

"What I have done in my life that was so terrible that I deserve this? I am a good person with a heart bigger than most. Is this some kind of mental test , like let's see how strong she really is and those giving the test sit back and laugh when I break. " Boy, I cannot tell you how many times I asked myself exactly this ! I didn't deserve it and you probably don't, either. After so many people telling me how 'this would make me stronger,' I finally started saying, "I was / am strong enough! I didn't / don't need this." I got soooo sick of hearing how much stronger I would be. All I can tell you is, one day it does get better, then a 2nd day is better, then the 3rd day is better….. you'll get there. It isn't an easy climb but you will get there.

Merlin posted 4/24/2014 21:19 PM

It's not for nothing that our feelings after something as traumatic as infidelity is often compared to an emotional roller coaster.

Sometimes you just have to hang on for dear life. Other times you struggle to get out of bed.

It does get better.

Mhiimg65 posted 4/24/2014 22:18 PM

After my evening, I wanted to add.... If you don't feel strong, it's OK. If your WS doesn't get it, it's not OK. But, if your WS is still in the fog... you may be on your own for a while.
So, please post here. The right people will help.
I know my H loved me. But he did things that were so wrong. It was a problem with him, not me. We are working on our marriage problems, which I didn't know we had until the STUFF happened, your H can still be a hero to your girls. He's just SH**t in your eyes right now. He can be a lousy H, but still be a good father. Hold that thought until something better comes along.
No child should have to suffer the consequences of whatever you are dealing with.
(Kisabiotch)) I hug you.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/24/2014 22:30 PM

You're in good hands. 5 months ago when I started reading other people's posts and coming here for support, everyone would tell me that it would get better, I would find some clarity, there would be times that suck and that SI would always be here for me. I was so hurt and in pain with what my WW did to me and my DD. I was hurt that she would go outside of our M to satisfy emotional and physical needs. I was hurt that this person that I had been married to for over a decade, became this different person overnight. I was hurt. Period.

Remember that we are here for you. There is always someone on SI that will listen and support. No abandonment here. You have become a member of a new family that gets bigger everyday. We cannot undue the hurt, but we can definitely grow from it. If you look back in some of my earlier posts, I felt hopeless, I felt lost, I felt extremely hurt, I felt scared. Even though my WW and I are getting a D, I have gotten to more of a point of acceptance. I feel I have really turned a corner. I feel that I am learning who I am and who I want to continue to become. The moment that you get 2 good days in a row is a fantastic feeling. Then you'll want 3, and so on.

Keep up the hard work. It does get easier!

norabird posted 4/24/2014 23:15 PM

You never deserved this.

The good days will come.

Eventually you stop constantly asking how they could do it, because you will realize there is no good, satisfying answer, and you will make peace with that.

Your girls will make you smile, will grow and laugh and make you proud.

Your strength will impress you but eventually your ability to be 'weak'--to feel with honesty and authenticity, deeply--will become impressive too. It shows the depth of your love and care and proves you are a person blessed to experience things in full, without running or hiding from the pain.

Just be kind to yourself and know that the crazy up and down feelings are normal and will level out.

Sending peace and strength. You got this.

Desirelily posted 4/25/2014 01:34 AM

I feel the exact same way Kisabiotch. I wish there was some easy answer or some medicine we could take to make us feel better but I think that medicine is just time. The only silver lining that I have come up with so far is that we are the good guys here. Everybody here has a big heart and know how to love and care. I would much rather be the person who can experience love on the level that we do than the cheaters that will never know how that feels. Hang in there, I'm having a strong day today so I can say that.

Kisabiotch posted 4/25/2014 06:13 AM

Thank you all so much for your sweet words and support it really does make a difference knowing I'm not alone and that I can come here for support. I may not reply to every post but I do read them and feel so grateful for each reply knowing that you took the time to reply to me. You all have shown me a strength a didn't know I had . I don't know what the future holds but I do know what I need to do to heal and to accomplish what I want . My dream would be R but if WH can't take the steps that I need him to take then I must move on for me . Thank you again !!!

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