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Kisabiotch posted 4/24/2014 10:00 AM

How can I feel so strong one day and then the very next day feel so weak? Why do I have this overwhelming urge to just run yet the need to be held at the same time. What I have done in my life that was so terrible that I deserve this? I am a good person with a heart bigger than most. Is this some kind of mental test , like let's see how strong she really is and those giving the test sit back and laugh when I break. What do I need to do to make it stop. I just want 2 good days in a row so I have something to look back on and say see it's not all bad. How could somebody who is supposed to love me do this to me? How could he do this to our girls who always thought of him as their hero? I don't understand !!!!!

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/24/2014 10:11 AM

Kisabiotch, I think we all make a mistake when we ask, "how could they DO this to us?"

I don't think for one second that the following thought ever entered ANY cheater's mind - "how can I screw over my wife and family today? Oh, I know! I'll go have an affair - that should piss them off royally!"


But here's the reason. Affairs are incredibly SELFISH things to enage in. The cheater isn't thinking of anyone but himself/herself, and fulfilling their desires and needs. Pretty much everyone else (the betrayed spouses, the children, etc. etc.) are simply collateral damage when it all hits the fan on DDay.

It was never about him "doing this" to you. It was ALL about him being a selfish horse's ass thinking he deserves MORE than the average person in this life, and doing whatever he felt like doing in order to get it - regardless of the pain he caused other as a direct result of it.

For those in affairs, it's strictly the "Me Me Me" show, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

Raspberry posted 4/24/2014 12:56 PM

I feel the same way. :( I have some good days and some awful days. I wish he could feel this way, even if for a moment. You're not alone. :(

1Faith posted 4/24/2014 13:14 PM

I am so sorry you are hurting. I can read your pain and my heart breaks for you. You are not alone and even though it does not feel like it you will make it through the other side one way or another. YOU WILL !!!

What I have done in my life that was so terrible that I deserve this?

Nothing, not one damn thing. The A has nothing about what you have or haven't done. It is about his selfish choices and lack of integrity.

You own 0% of the affair. You never gave consent for it to occur and you certainly weren't a consideration. Don't beat yourself up over HIS choices. He has to own his behavior - all of it.

I don't understand !!!!!

And sadly, you never will. Logically you want to understand and make sense of this. The how and the why. But you can't...because whatever the reason(s) they will never be enough to justify the pain and betrayal you are feeling.

If you have not done so already, please check out the Healing Library in the upper left hand corner. There is a lot of great information to help you.

Hug you girls and be strong for them.

We are all here for you.


hopefulmother posted 4/24/2014 13:32 PM

They love them selves more. (If you call ruining your integrity,losing respect, and true love...loving yourself)

The question is not how can they do this to me. It isn't about you. The question is, "How and why did they do this to themselves?" You will go on and (probably be less naive). They will need to make some serious changes to who they are. It is truly their breakdown in their life. Their all time low. Their pit of depression. They just happen to take everyone down with them.

Kisabiotch posted 4/24/2014 14:26 PM

Well today has been interesting I have not been getting the support I felt I needed and deserved from him so we spoke about it and he kept with the blah blah blah kind of like I don't know what I want so I told him he had to make a choice I'm done trying while he sits back and does nothing so he said he just can't try so I said fine. I decided that the OW husband needed to know because the guilt was bringing me down and causing me to not be able to look at myself in the mirror . I told him all I knew and what had been told to me. And that I was sorry but he had the right to know what was going on just like I hope somebody would do the same for me. Needless to say my H was not happy about that but oh well I'm thinking of me not him. Who knows what will happen next I guess only time will tell.

hopefulmother posted 4/24/2014 16:34 PM

It is was over, why was he mad at you for telling the OBS?

1Faith posted 4/24/2014 16:48 PM


So so proud of you.

You just took some power back !!!

You did the right thing. The other BS deserved to know. How did the conversation go?

I too am curious why your WH cares that you contacted the other BS? His focus should be on you and supporting whatever you need to do to start the healing process.

Why is he protecting the OW?

Define what you want and need. If he is unwilling or unble to meet these needs then start the 180.

Time for WH to get his head out of his a$$ and own his horrid behavior and start to fix the mess he has made.

Sending hugs and high fives !!!

Kisabiotch posted 4/24/2014 17:33 PM

It is was over, why was he mad at you for telling the OBS?

He didn't understand what I was hoping to accomplish he thought I was doing it to get even when I explained my reasons he said he understood and respected what I felt I had to do.

Kisabiotch posted 4/24/2014 17:45 PM

It feels awesome to have some of my power back I can't even describe what a weight has been lifted!!! You see he wasn't meeting my needs when it came to healing and I told him that and told him if he was done and couldn't meet my needs he needed to say so I could move on his response was I don't know so I said fine. I went to the OBS work told him what I knew and that I was sorry but I felt he has the right to know it wasn't done out of spite or to make him feel bad it's just I thought he deserved to know . He said thank you and that was it. After I explained to my husband why he said he respected that and understood I needed to do what I needed to do . He could possibly lose 1200 a month from this being outed but he should have thought about that at the time. He is spending the night at a family friends house who has been where we are and R and I am totally okay with that!! He obviously hasn't been focusing on me since Dday and that was becoming very clear to me and I had enough!

hopefull77 posted 4/24/2014 18:56 PM

First off let me say way to go! My H's AP divorced her husband in the middle of the A so I didn't have anyone to 'clue in' ...
As far as I know he left the state and moved on. I don't even know if he knew what was going on...if he did he never tried to reach me...

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