There is alot to my story. I will try to make it as short as possible. I am a Cancer survivor of 7 years. The year before I found out I lost my father. Here it is 8 years later and last year on the date of my father's anniversary date I found out my husband of 18 years was having an affair. Thinking that was it I also found out that he had had several affairs through our entire 18 years of marriage. Recently I was in a car accident and fractured my pelvic bone in 2 places and am confined to a wheel chair. There are at least 3 women in my neighborhood that my husband had been with along with 2 women who we were good friends with them and their husbands. 1 of those women he was with in my own backyard. So every where I turn I am reminded of the pain by his decisions. I am a Christian and am finding it difficult to focus on the good things that God had given me. My husband had changed his ways and is a Christian also. However he was baptized at the time he was having an affair. I'm at the point where I can't live with him nor can i without him. It's hard to be positive when I am filed with tremendous pain and grief. Betrayal and disloyalty. God forgive me but I can't forgive them or like them for what they have done to me and my kids. I also hope he forgives me for wishing that pain will come to them. They all knew what they were doing and who I was. I have never ever been unfaithful to my husband. I know i will never get an answer why when that's pretty much all I want.
There are more women than mentioned above. I was always the person that said "if you ever cheat you will be gone"
DDAY 4/17/2013 my father's anniversary death date.
2013 to present: TT big time
9 more women PAs all of our 17 years of marriage. Never had a clue until TT in the last year. Showe
I am not a practicing anything, but I grew up in the church and I believe a few things, completely.
1. God is real
2. God will never allow more crap to be thrown on you than you can handle.
3. You will come out stronger on the other side (of the challenge) if you allow Him to guide you.
I always had the same stance as you, re 'if you ever cheat you will be gone'. And the way it sounds, as I read your post again, makes me think you have come to question that 'life rule', if you will, just as I have. It seems to me you are not as far down the 'rabbit hole' as I am, and I hope you don't have to travel that far.
My personal opinion on the AP's... I hold none of them responsible in any way. It is not their job to keep my WSO faithful. I don't particularly like them, but I wish them no ill will.
It is the brokenness in your WH that cause all of this. His unfaithfulness and infidelity is all on him, 100%. This is a very personal attack, that came about because of HIS failings, not yours. Keep telling yourself that until you internalize it.
Take a look in the upper left corner, in the yellow box, and click on The Healing Library. Please start reading. Read the first page of any post in the first few pages of this forum that has a red "target" next to it. Information is power, knowledge is power, and these posts will help you immensely.
Right now, your only responsibility is to yourself and your kids. You have to stay healthy to take care of them. Breathe. Don't forget to keep breathing. Eat what you can, stay hydrated. Try to get rest. It's going to seem like you have to make a thousand or so decision Right Now! Just stop. You don't have do decide one darned thing right now, nor do you have to make a decision to stay, to go, to separate, or to divorce. You can just exist one moment at a time for now, until you're a bit more grounded.
Keep coming back for support. We're all here for you.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
BTW, I too was one of those people that said, "if you ever cheat, I'm gone." However, when my DDay hit me, my reaction was to fight for our relationship. 4 months of attempted R and D became our reality, but with that time I was able to start working on closure and sef-acceptance. I am still far from full closure and acceptance, I am getting closer every day.
Keep up your hard work. It is worth it!
“Optimism is a strategy for making a better future. Because unless you believe that the future can be better, you are unlikely to step up and take responsibility for making it so."
[This message edited by needadvise at 10:25 AM, April 25th (Friday)]
I am so sorry that you have gone through all that you have. It sounds a lot like Job in the Old Testament.
I too am a Christian, as I see several of the other respondents are. I'll add you to my prayers and hope for the best for you. I'm sorry you are here, but I am glad you have found us.
My wayward ex girlfriend, whom I had at one point considered marrying, is also a Christian. She is in a high position at a Christian college where we both work, yet that didn't stop her from getting involved in an affair with a married campus cop. She professes to everyone here, including me, that she is a strong Christian woman, but strong Christians don't become involved in affairs. I suspected something was up and then I found several texts/sexts between them on her phone. It's a long, painful story, but I feel my faith and knowing God hasn't abandoned me pulls me through.
I guess the only thing I can tell you is, being baptized doesn't make someone a Christian. You have to then "walk the walk, which it sounds like your husband hasn't done. He cheated on you repeatedly with several people you know. Joyce Meyer once said, "Going to church doesn't make you a Christian. I can sit in my garage all day and that wouldn't make me a car." I think that's the situation with both your husband and my ex GF. The good news is, God hasn't given up on either of them, but they need to come to grips with their sin and stop their behavior. It not only hurts their walk with God, but it also hurts you. He needs to realize that, just as I wish my ex would realize that too. It's not that I want to get back with her, but I wish we could be friends.
The fact is, your WS is a serial cheater. He needs to stop this behavior for good right now or you should move on. If you are not both in counseling, please go, whether it is to Christian marriage counseling or in the secular world, please try it. If he refuses to go, please go yourself.
All the best..
[This message edited by Steve55 at 11:14 AM, April 25th (Friday)]
We're here for you.
[This message edited by needadvise at 4:02 PM, April 25th (Friday)]
[This message edited by needadvise at 4:41 PM, April 25th (Friday)]
It's quite another to try to dump the responsibility for his years of low-life behavior on YOU with some ridiculously feeble story about differences in parenting. Please.
I was married to a serial cheater who would cross ANY line and who had ZERO boundaries - just like your husband. My ex's serial cheating had nothing to do with how I raised our son, what color my hair was, what the weather was like, or what kind of car we drove. What a crock.
It had everything to do with HIM and his incredible sense of self-entitlement that he should be able to have as much 'strange' on the side as he wanted.
Your husband's ridiculous reason for being a serial cheater doesn't even make SENSE. How is having sex with your neighbors (in your back yard and God knows where else at your house) going to address your differences in childrearing? This is such a crock of bull, phony baloney excuse for acting like a stray dog.
Tell him to own his actions. I left my ex 26 years ago because I wasn't going to compromise my pride and integrity for any man.
One thing that has helped me is I have already thought in my mind that I can forgive. I think it has been a load off as far as letting go of some of my anger when I think that way. I have good days and bad of course. I just know in my heart in order for me not to drive myself nuts and ruin my life with anger I have to forgive. Just my perspective.
[This message edited by needadvise at 11:29 AM, April 28th (Monday)]