SurvivingInfidelity.com Forum Archives

Btrayedby2 posted 4/24/2014 10:27 AM

I found out my husband was cheating on me with a close friend for 3 months. Its been 2 months since d-day. It's not getting any easier. I he has moved out at my request so I can figure out if I want to salvage the marriage or move on. He says he wants nothing more than to salvage the marriage. During a recent conversation b/w us he says the reason he cheated was b/c he was lonely, bc he became insecure in our marriage after we had children. I spend all of my time with the children. He says I was a bad wife. I didn't want to do anything with just him unless it was with the kids too. I was shocked to find out he felt this way. I work a full time job. the kids are in daycare and school. He makes me feel bad and I don't feel like I should feel bad. He ended up saying maybe he shouldn't have said I was a bad wife but that he was unappreciated and taken for granted. I guess my question is, is he passing the blame onto me? He says he takes 100% responsibility for the Affair but the issues in the marriage before that are majority my fault (let me say that we hardly ever fought and I just thought we were in a rut in our relationship). Should I feel guilty? Is he really ready for reconciliation? Oh and he says he doesn't need IC (which I am currently in - and of course he agrees I need) but he is willing to do couples therapy.

married: 9 years
kids: 2 ages 6 & 2 years old
Affair: lasted 3 months

devasted30 posted 4/24/2014 10:33 AM

Under NO circumstances is it ever the BS fault. Yes, there may have been problems in the marriage, but it is all on the WS for cheating. If he was unhappy, he should have spoken up. Never, never accept responsibility for his cheating. It is all on him. He betrayed you in the worse way possible. He is in the wrong here. Not you. Do not allow him to put this on you.!!!

damnUnicorns posted 4/24/2014 10:57 AM

I hear the same Crap... he was unappreciated, I thought of him as nothing but an ATM machine, we drifted apart, I didn't do blah, blah, blah...
WELL. .. we were in the same marriage as they were & didn't cheat.
If things are that bad you figure it out, WITHOUT running to someone else. It solves NOTHING, just adds a boatload more problems & hurt to the mix.

I hate being made to feel responsible for someone else's lousy choices. Trust me... I am being made out to be responsible too. I resent the hell out of it. It's BS. He plays like I have driven him to this (emotionally & physically distant, holds back money, no longer talks to me about anything deeper than dinner, texts multiple women constantly) & he had NO responsibility for it or any difficulties in our marriage ( I was depressed, lonely, chronically ill, & didn't work).

Fine, there were problems & issues. Everyone's life had them. You do the adult thing& address them& do the hard work to fix them.
So, accept responsibility for what you did Ib the marriage, even unintentional things. No one is perfect, but we're capable of improving ( I've 180'd add much as I could on his complaints about me. .. except the job. I'm looking , interviewing , but haven't been hired yet. He says I'm "not trying hard enough". Ironic coming from someone not trying at all).

However - I would accept NO responsibility for the affair. He's a big boy & made his own decision. He can live with whatever repercussions there are.
FTG fur laying the blame on you. Don't swallow that lie for one second.

BTW- I know thIs is easier said than done & I'm struggling with it in my own relationship. ... so don't think I don't "get it". Boy, do I!

justinpaintoday posted 4/24/2014 10:58 AM

Bullshit. He is being selfish and deflecting. When u have kids the center of the universe is no longer "you". He is deflecting. My wife deflected too saying I put the kids first. It's crap and the worst excuse. How dare he use your kids as a weapon to justify his poor morals.

Until he realizes that he owns his own shit, R will be a challenege. Good Luck

annb posted 4/24/2014 11:22 AM

Hi, Btrayedby2, I am so sorry you are here. No, you are not a bad wife! I am sooo sick of these excuses, there is NO excuse!

When children come, life changes. Most of the focus should be on the children, they are helpless and depend on TWO parents. If he had an issue, he could have communicated to you, set up date nights, taken some of the load off of your shoulders, made YOU feel appreciated.

Um, no, he needs IC as well....to figure out why he felt it was ok to cheat. Needing ego strokes, validation? And with a friend, no less? Is she married? If the MC places any blame on you, drop him/her like a hot potato. A good MC will make sure he OWNS his actions.

In the meantime, do the best to take care of YOU! You have young children who need a stable parent. Eat as best as you can, stay hydrated, and exercise. Meet your girlfriends for lunch, get your nails done. Anything to give you a reprieve from your thoughts.

Is he remorseful? Is he accountable for his whereabouts? Is he transparent giving you access to all email accounts, social media, cell phone, etc? He has to understand he has dropped a nuclear bomb on your lives, and the fallout will take YEARS to fix. He has to be willing to be in this 200%. Don't accept blame for his actions, he is an adult...he had other choices, cheating is NEVER an option.

((((Btrayedby2)))

Please check out the Healing Library in the upper left-hand corner. Chock full of great articles that will help you process this nightmare.

Edited to add: Please make an appt. with your doctor and get tested for stds.

[This message edited by annb at 11:23 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

doggiediva posted 4/24/2014 11:41 AM

My WH treated me the same way shifted blame on me for his poor choices..

During our marriage he was a very lack luster Douggie downer..

Complainer..

Complained that I focused on the kiddos and not on him..

The way he presented his complaint was that I should arrange all of the fun, so he wouldn't have to..I had to show that I cared about our passion, fun by doing the work to arrange it..I also worked full time the whole time we raised our kids until recently..Kids are grown and have been on their own for a decade..WH's work schedule had always been child's play compared to mine. Whenever he had a job, lol..
Still he complained that I didn't do enough to insure that we had fun..

Yet when I wanted his help to find child care ( asking him to approach his family) so that we could have vacation somewhere for more than a weekend by ourselves he was no help..He nixed my ideas by saying"We have no money"

So when these WS's lay the blame on us for their A the story they weave is usually wrong, woefully inaccurate.... DEAD WRONG...

There are issues from both partners that cause challenges in the marriage, it is by virtue of living with each other and adjusting to each other daily..

To complain about the M( or keep totally silent) and then have an A is a sure way to drive a partner away, not improve the marriage..

There is that layer of "F*&ck You" that comes from the betrayed partner's mind/heart when the WS wants to address problems in the marriage... Especially after the WS has shifted blame for the A and said hurtful things in the marriage pre and post A..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 11:48 AM, April 24th (Thursday)]

suckstobeme posted 4/24/2014 12:20 PM

Double bullshit!

You were not a bad wife. I heard the similar, ever popular, "I didn't think you loved me anymore" excuse. I felt awful for a long time over that. Like, I set the stage for the demise of my marriage.

Then I realized, that's how he wanted me to feel. Even in the face of his horrid, selfish, destructive decisions, he wanted me to be in a position of weakness and he wanted me to shoulder the blame like I shouldered everything in the marriage.

There is absolutely no excuse for cheating. If he felt that bad or that unloved, he could have talked to you about it. That's a much healthier solution and one that would have kept the marriage that he says he so badly wants together. He could have asked you to seek MC for the problems. He could have done any number of things besides screw around with your close friend, which, to me, is a double betrayal.

I told my exwh and I will tell you that taking care of kids, working, grocery shopping, cooking, doing the laundry, mowing the grass, etc., etc. are all acts of love when they are done for the good of the family. You were taking care of a family and your behavior benefitted your wh directly. If you didn't do it with a smile on your face or you were too tired to rock the whip, chains and the black nightie every night, that was on him to talk to you about it.

He's doing nothing but shifting the blame to someone who is already confused and broken hearted. To say you were a "bad wife" and to use that phrase is nothing but a slap in the face. He was a HORRIBLE, DESPICABLE husband, and that's the cold hard truth that he is trying to avoid.

Don't let him. However this turns out and whether you are able to salvage your M or not, don't let him destroy your dignity. Hold your head high because you did nothing wrong and you did nothing to deserve this. Everyone has problems in their marriage. Everyone is tired and worn out when kids comes along. Everyone is worried about money and the house and the health of their parents, etc., etc., etc. If you didn't pay enough attention to him, that's a problem that you can acknowledge. But, you need to also realize and take into your heart that his punishment for your alleged inattentiveness certainly did not fit the crime. It would be like sending someone to the electric chair for littering.

k9lover1 posted 4/24/2014 12:27 PM

Boy does that royally piss me off to hear stuff like this. You are working full time, taking care of the kids and the house and he feels neglected?

So rather than help you with the house, take care of the kids now and then, he decides to get a girlfriend? How selfish can you be.

You should take a vacation and leave the kids with him so he can see what it's like.

There are any number of ways he could have addressed any issues he felt existed or that he "thought" existed. But he chose to continue on his path of selfishness.

You have your work cut out for you. For your sake, I hope he can turn around his warped way of thinking.

Btrayedby2 posted 4/24/2014 13:10 PM

Thank you for all of your support.

Let me just say that he did help w the kids and around the house. I never felt like he didn't want me to spend time with the kids.

I have always been the less emotional and less affectionate one in the relationship. I'm not into touching much or cuddling, hugs etc and apparently that along with giving my attention to the kids once they came along really made him feel isolated.

He SAYS the A was 100% his fault, he should have talked to me. He admits that but other than that I see no remorse. The first few weeks after d-day he was an open book but now not so much. He will tell me of his wearabouts and is accountable for that but has changed his passcode for his phone which on d-day he asked me what to set it as. So of course that makes me nervous and curious. I haven't asked him about it b/c after hearing just 2 days ago that he thought I was a bad wife I really didn't care about the phone.

He makes me feel guilty when I talk to him b/c he cries about how he felt before the A and how lonely he is now and how he needs communication and how he misses "us".

I am trying to make a good decision for me without being influenced by him.

AND SIDE NOTE: the months that his A was going on with my friend he was also having inappropriate text messages with a coworker.

nekonamida posted 4/24/2014 13:36 PM

I have always been the less emotional and less affectionate one in the relationship. I'm not into touching much or cuddling, hugs etc and apparently that along with giving my attention to the kids once they came along really made him feel isolated.

I still don't think this makes you a bad wife. Physical affection is not the only kind of love. There's many including acts of service (which you rock at), gift giving, verbal affirmation, and so many other forms of emotional intimacy. You can't be a bad wife just because your partner never told you he wanted more of one kind of love and expected you to read his mind. Plus, you've always been this way. This wasn't something new though it may have been exasperated by new factors (such as kids). He has had YEARS to address the issue with you and he could have at any point decided it wouldn't work out but instead he chose to cheat.

He SAYS the A was 100% his fault, he should have talked to me. He admits that but other than that I see no remorse.

Remember, ACTIONS speak louder than words because a lying cheater's words do not mean much. His words tell you he takes full blame. His actions (such as saying he cheated because you're a bad wife) say he is not accepting full blame. He is not remorseful and you know this. You cannot R with an unremorseful WS.

He will tell me of his wearabouts and is accountable for that but has changed his passcode for his phone which on d-day he asked me what to set it as. So of course that makes me nervous and curious. I haven't asked him about it b/c after hearing just 2 days ago that he thought I was a bad wife I really didn't care about the phone.

First, did he offer you his password access or did you say it was a condition for R and he agreed? It is a VERY bad sign that he changed his password and unfortunately it may mean he took the A underground. Did he send the OW a NC message? Did you see him do it? Did he set an appropriate boundary with his co-worker who he was having inappropriate conversations with? These are all things he needs to do to start fixing this mess he made. If he's truly wanting to R in more than just words (which mean nothing coming from him), he will agree to give you honesty and transparency and do the work necessary to help YOU heal, not him.

He makes me feel guilty when I talk to him b/c he cries about how he felt before the A and how lonely he is now and how he needs communication and how he misses "us".

How he felt before the A is again on him for never addressing the issue with you or putting effort towards making your marriage better. He took that energy he could have spent to put your marriage in a better place and fucked your best friend with it. No amount of crying is going to change that or make what he did okay. You love him and may sincerely want to make him feel better BUT it's not helping you move forward. It's not helping him accept 100% blame because he's blaming you by saying the M was bad before the A and making the terrible thing he did to you all about him and his feelings. It's not helping your M because you cannot even start to R before he accepts that it doesn't matter how bad the M was. You were in it and didn't cheat. It was entirely his responsibility to work on the M or get a D BEFORE looking outside the M. R IS NOT about fixing him and making him feel better. It's about you and making you feel better. How in the world are you going to feel better when your WH gives you a guilt trip for being honest about your feelings about the A and makes the discussion all about him?

I am trying to make a good decision for me without being influenced by him.

Let's look at the facts: He hasn't stepped up and done any real work at R. He is not giving you full transparency and has a strike against him for actively taking it away from you after volunteering it. You cannot confirm he is being faithful because of the lack of transparency and know that OW could possibly not be the only woman he's had inappropriate contact with so you don't know if you have the full truth. He's not accepting 100% and is LYING to you that he is so there's no reason to trust him. He's turning talk about the A in to helping him deal with his emotions and moving forward while completely neglecting yours. Tip: He MUST be willing to focus on you and your healing to R and in fact it's more important than focusing on himself because truthfully his pain is A. self inflicted through poor choices and B. not going to be nearly as bad as yours. If you want to know what is best for you, start up the 180. Accept that he is not ready for R but there are things you can do to help him get ready. Get an IC for yourself and him. Make a solid list of things you need to see him do before you agree to R including transparency and having all of his passwords. Tell him if he does not complete your list in a set amount of time OR breaks one of the rules (such as gives your his password and changes it a week later) that you WILL file for D. Remember, you can always stop the D from finalizing so don't be afraid to file if he is uncooperative because it may give him the wake up call he desperately needs. Stick around and you will see that many posters have had to file for D and then cancel because their WS finally got it and started giving them what they needed for R. For now, rest. Take care of yourself. Start the 180. Watch your WH like a hawk and see what he does once he knows what R with you will require of him. Take your time on deciding what is best for you but right now jumping in to R based on his lies is definitely not it.

standinghere posted 4/25/2014 03:59 AM

He may believe that stuff he's spouting, but it's really not why he had the affair.

He's blame shifting still.

Not digging into his issues and understanding why he was doing what he was doing.

Does he need IC?

No, but if he wants to save his marriage or at least have a marriage worth having, then he needs to look at himself much closer and understand his true "whys" and then work to make sure that there are no more.

"unnappreciated and taken for granted"

contrast that with

"always criticizing and not satisfied"

or just about anything else you can think of.

When what they should be saying is "I need to look inward and find out how and why I would do such a thing. I'm going to get a counselor to help me figure this out."

jjct posted 4/25/2014 06:10 AM

Really?
Then DETACH from this blameshifting bullshit.

Here's your 'go-to' phrase to stop listening to nonsense. Stop. Listening.

"I'm sorry you feel that way."

Then move on.

Read up on the 180:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/faq_bs.asp#FAQ11

Read this thread:
http://survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=232785
(& bump it to the top!)

WS's that want to "talk about the marriage" are always in "distract you from the real issues"-mode.
Stop. Don't engage.

Think; "What marriage?" "The marriage that you killed?" "It is dead." "Over." "Done."
There's nothing to talk about.

Offering the gift of R involves a completely new M.
Think.
What would you do to fix things if you had cheated?
Right.
He's not remorseful.
Stop engaging.
180.

NeverAgain2013 posted 4/25/2014 07:26 AM

I think he made a crap decision to have an affair because he was so 'neglected.' It would appear most women are expected to do every damned thing on earth - and do it WELL. We're supposed to work full time and help support the household financially plus do all the cleaning, all the laundry, all the food shopping, all the cooking of meals, all the childrearing, all the planning and scheduling to keep the household running smoothly, 1,000 other little chores throughout the day and evening, AND be a sex kitten as soon as the kids are all in bed.

While I was always cognizant of NOT turning into a 'mommy' and suddenly forgetting that I was ALSO a woman after I had my son, due to the sheer amount of work involved in being Super Woman every day, the negligee and sex acrobatics eventually took a back seat. It's real tiresome catering to everyone every single day and working full time and trying to be everything to everyone - and your thanks for that is getting kicked right in the face.

Just your statement - 'he helps with the kids and around the house,' tells it all. That means you do the brunt of the work and he thinks he's contributing the same amount of effort just because he empties the dishwasher or takes out the garbage or helps the kids with their homework. Big deal.

Bottom line. He's STILL calling you a 'bad wife' and acting as though you drove him to the affair althought he magnanimously claims it was his decision, 100%. Big whoop. Does he want a pat on the shoulder for taking a smidgen of the blame?

This guy has no remorse. NONE. He can cry all the crocodile tears he wants about how HE felt lonely before the affair and how HE deserved to be catered to by a woman and how HE has needs and desires and was driven to cheat. Blah blah blah. It's ALL ABOUT HIM, isn't it?

He has no remorse. Locking his phone down with a new password says it all.

Don't invest too much in this liar right now, because you can't believe a word out of his unremorseful mouth.