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funnyguy posted 4/24/2014 10:36 AM

Ok I really need some advice
She is no asking me for a 3 days in the house 3 days out of the house , so I leave for 3 days then she leaves for 3 days , becasue she wants time alone and space to figuer out what she wants ? She thinks this is for the best also for the kids . I don't like the idea at all , we have dealing with this Since November 2013 was my Dday . And know she wants this and to see if she still wants the marriage and can't do that around me . And she can't figuer things out with me and her being around each other.

funnyguy posted 4/24/2014 10:36 AM

Hi Everyone
My D day was November 20 2013 , and man has it been a struggle ever since. I found out my wife was having an affair from another person . I was also harassed by the OM via text ,emails and also a window or 2 smashed in my truck. My wife works at a gym and continues to see this guy when he comes in and works out , she also continues to workout at the same gym. My wife also has also put in minimal effort into our marriage , she admitted to only still having one foot in it to fix it , she continues to work only on herself, I have also worked on myself , we both did ID therapy but she said she isnt ready for marriage counsiling. She said she lost her lust for me and that is why she did what she did , our marriage was missing something and she went and found it somewhere else. Blaw blaw blaw
She has only focused on herself so much it has created so much distance between us , we both said we feel alone yesterday to each other and I said well once you decide if you want the marriage we won't, she then said I think I need more space to work on this . She asked me to leave the house for 3 days then she leaves for 3 days so we dont effect the kids. I did not agree to this I said I know what I want and I don't need to go. I said she should go and figure out what you want. she says seeing me hurts and she can't focus. I think it a cop out and She just wants to go to the gym and work whatever hours she wants without worring about me and the stress it brings her when she goes. We have only had sex 3 times since November and she cried 2 of the times after. she said also she is holding onto the feelings that she felt that how he made her feel. I said so then why won't you try and fix what we have. I need some good advice. I have tried to prove that the OM is the one sending all the messages about there affair to me but I can't prove it. She said no one is going to push her out of her job.

Dreamboat posted 4/24/2014 11:21 AM

Do not do this.

Tell her that you know what you want so you do not need time alone. If she wants to leave then let her. But also tell her that you will have to assume that she wants this so she can continue her A and therefore you will treat her leaving as her saying she wants a D and you will proceed accordingly.

You cannot force her to be remorseful or to want the M or to "get it". As a BS, that is what we try to do -- get our unremorseful WS to "see the light". But we can't.

You also cannot force her to stay. But if she leaves, then act as if you are D. You do not have to do anything to make it easy or convenient to wreck your family. Open your own bank account and move your direct deposit to the new account. Move 1/2 of all money in savings to an account in your name only. For any credit cards where you are the primary card holder, call and have her removed as an authorized user and do the same for credit cards where she is the primary card holder. When she moves, inform the post office of her new address and direct her mail, especially her bills, to the new address. If she wants to take some furniture and household goods then let her, but only allow her to take a proportion of them. What I mean is that you do not let her take the kids furniture, you do not let her take all the dishes or even 1/2 the dishes. If you have 2 kids then she can take 1/4, if you have 3 kids, she can take 1/5, etc. Do not help her buy anything for the new place or co sign for anything. Also consider putting a freeze on your credit so she cannot open any credit cards in your name.

Also draw up a separation agreement. It will not be a legal document, but rather an understanding between you and her. In it list everything that she takes from the house (except her clothes and personal items). List who is responsible for what bills. Also set up a visitation schedule and make it clear that if she moves out then she cannot take visitation in the family home.

If she chooses to leave then she also chooses all of the consequences of leaving.

The reason that I am advising you to take such a harsh stand is that many many WS use the excuse of "needing time to figure things out" as an excuse to move out and then continue with both the A but also stringing along the BS. This is called cakeeating. Do not allow her to cake eat. Close the bakery.

One more thing. If she does leave then you need to cut off contact with her. Only communicate with her regarding kids or finances and use email as much as possible. Do not chit chat with her. Do not go on date night. Do not comfort her if she is upset. She does not get any of you unless she firmly choose to be your wife and R. Otherwise she gets nothing.

It is hard to do all of these things. First, you probably really do not want to do any of it. You probably feel it goes against saving your M. It is hard to break the habit of communicating with your spouse. It makes you feel like the bad guy. I understand all of these things, I felt them myself. But you need to realize that you cannot save your M by yourself and if she does not want to participate in saving the M, then she cannot be considered to be a friend of the M. So you need to treat her accordingly.

Stay strong.

sparkysable posted 4/24/2014 11:32 AM

because she wants time alone and space to figure out what she wants ?
She wants time alone with the OM. She is clearly still in an active affair, and I would bet it has been going on for longer than you think.

Let her leave, and file for divorce on her ass. She wants to sit on the fence, and she wants to keep you as her backup plan. Push her off of that fence and don't let her treat you that way.

Softcentre posted 4/24/2014 11:46 AM

I agree with sparkysable and dreamboat.

I agree because my STBXH led me on this cake-eating merry dance for a long time. It slowed my healing right down and gave me loads of new hurts. I know you want her to figure it out and see this as a sign of hope, but it really isn't, it's manipulation. You see, she does know what she wants...both of you, or rather how things were before you found out. She should be going all out to win you back, but instead she's making you chase her. Her not deciding, and sitting on the fence after what she has done? That IS a decision. A decision to not fight for your marriage.

[This message edited by Softcentre at 11:47 AM, April 24th, 2014 (Thursday)]

Klove posted 4/24/2014 12:34 PM

She needs to go and you need to promptly 180.

Please listen to this because if your marriage has any chance at all- this is it!

I ignored this advice early on because I thought my love and patience would be all that my stbxwh would need to see the light. He didn't and now we're D.

Also if I had forced him off the fence sooner, I could have held on to some of my self esteem- it was damaged THE MOST during false R and the "I need space" phase.

Get her out, 180, and file.
This might be enough to snap her out of the fog. If not, you maintain your own dignity and have already taken steps to reclaim yourself.

I'm sorry you are going through this. Please listen to the people here. I didn't. I thought "surely my situation is different."
They are ALL the same. Truly.


funnyguy posted 4/24/2014 13:10 PM

thanks everyone , the toughest part is that she still is working at the gym where the affair happened and still works out there and so does he. She alwsays says no I didn't see him but , I believe all contact needs to be cut off, He is till harrassing me , and I can't believe she is putting our family through this just to keep her job. I guess I'm putting us through this becasue I'm putting up with it.

Klove posted 4/24/2014 13:42 PM

I would ask her if her job is more important than you. If yes- out! There are other gyms and other jobs.
There will be no nc with AP if job continues. My xh worked with his ap. I didnt ask him to leave his job because I felt bad. I should have insisted he leave because the continued mandatory contact for work resparked the A.

sparkysable posted 4/24/2014 14:43 PM

I was doing surveillance on my XWH before I tipped my hand. I was standing on the OW's porch looking at him sitting on her couch, watching TV.

He texted me and told me that he was at work, and that he loved me. I SAW HIM!

My point is this: they all lie when they are in an active affair. Your wife is lying. She is no longer your friend. She no longer has your best interests at heart. You need to protect yourself.

Do you have children with her?

ButterflyGirl posted 4/24/2014 14:46 PM

The CHEATER is TELLING you she doesn't want things to be "official" right now.

She gonna use the "we were on a break" cop out?

I'm sorry man. She isn't even pretending to be remorseful. And what a bitch for using an "it's better for the kids" excuse to cake eat and set up the best life for HERSELF. Now she can have her affair at your home and wherever else you guys set up? Don't you know she is promising the OM she is ending things with you? F that! Fight for what is best for YOU and your kids.

Start thinking like a single dad. Be the best you can for them and let her go..

devistatedmom posted 4/24/2014 14:56 PM

Please listen to everyone else. Also, please don't do the 3 days in 3 out thing. I fear that as soon as you left for your 3 days, she would be changing the locks stating you abandoned the home...and then you may not be able to get back in legally, plus may lose your half of things.

Nature_Girl posted 4/24/2014 15:00 PM

File for divorce & ask for exclusive use of the marital home.

funnyguy posted 4/25/2014 08:15 AM

thanks everyone for all the advice.
Its gonna be a scary momment when I have to say those words , but I have to hold my ground. I just don't feel the 3 on 3 off is good for anyone but her. If she doesn't agree to leave and figuer her stiff out , I will sell the house and just move our separate ways.I have a feeeling she won't leave.

funnyguy posted 4/25/2014 10:17 AM

She also told me yesterday , that she said you know since all this came out all I have wanted was space to figuer out what I want. I said you have had allot of space since November, and she replied I can't heal and figive with seeing you so hurt??? i almost belived it. If she doesn't agree to leave what should I do ? I mentioned selling everything and go our separate ways for 6 months. she didn't like that idea ,

one2ndchance posted 4/25/2014 10:54 AM

If she doesn't agree to leave what should I do ? I mentioned selling everything and go our separate ways for 6 months. she didn't like that idea ,

You can't force her to leave...and DON'T you leave.

Stop offering suggestions to her. I understand how much this hurts, but she no longer loves or respects you. You are her Plan B.

All the talk about giving her time to figure out if she still wants the marriage is simply a way to keep you around while she continues to see the OM.

Find your self respect. You've given her 6 months to decide. It's time for YOU to decide what happens in your life. Make an appointment with a lawyer today to find out your rights and options.

Dreamboat posted 4/25/2014 11:02 AM

What you need to do is find a lawyer NOW. I also advise that you try to find a L that specializes in father's rights.

DO NOT tell her anything about the L or your plans. Just stick by what you have already said -- if she feels she needs space then she can leave, but you will not leave. Period. Tell her that this is her problem to solve, not yours.

Your steps should be:
* Retain a L
* File for D
* Immediately get temp/emergency court orders that give you exclusive right to the house and primary custody of the kids
* Proceed with the D from there

tushnurse posted 4/25/2014 13:14 PM

What you need to do is find a lawyer NOW. I also advise that you try to find a L that specializes in father's rights.
DO NOT tell her anything about the L or your plans. Just stick by what you have already said -- if she feels she needs space then she can leave, but you will not leave. Period. Tell her that this is her problem to solve, not yours.

Your steps should be:
* Retain a L
* File for D
* Immediately get temp/emergency court orders that give you exclusive right to the house and primary custody of the kids
* Proceed with the D from there

Do this immediately. Did you forget that you can not believe any thing that comes out of her mouth? She hasn't made a decision because she has faced ZERO consequences, and you have allowed her to continue the same behaviors that led up to the A. You have mistakenly thought that by not being tough, or the bad guy that she would miraculously see the error of her ways, and come rushing back to your arms and beg forgiveness. That shit doesn't happen.
Things will only change when there is change thrust upon them.

See a lawyer, make her responsible for the kids 50% of the time, just like she will be if you D. DO NOT allow her to have the house. If she needs room to think, then she can move out.
Time to put you and your kids first. They are the most important thing in all of this afterall.

(((and strength)))

ChinaCat posted 4/25/2014 17:12 PM

This is YOUR home too!
Get an awesome lawyer and kick butt financial advisor STAT!

Do not let that person bully you!

Stay in that home for now!

(And this is coming from a woman too)

ChinaCat posted 4/25/2014 17:13 PM

Also pull a 180!
I did and it saved my sanity.
I literally say I am 180'ing when he starts negative crap with me. I turn and walk away.

funnyguy posted 4/28/2014 08:41 AM

Well I told her I'm not doing the 3 and 3 days, she can't beive I'm not going to do that for our marriage and the kids. I said you dtill have 1 foot in this marriage and 1 out and until you have both feet in we have no marriage, she said all the guilt is holding her back. I also said you need to get out of that Gym. Its the best thing for the family and our marriage to even have a shot and she said , she can't belive I'm giving her an alitmatum. I said It amazes me you want to even out us and your self in a situation for you to run into him due to all the email and text harrasment from him, and if you can't clear yourself from him then I will clear myself from this situation. So at the end of the day she isn't gonna leave and is gonna think about quiting her job.

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