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deena04 posted 4/24/2014 11:22 AM

I never outted his actions to anyone as we were trying to R and wanted to have less people knowing. The more and more I think about it, I want to tell everyone. It could be anger. It could be pregnancy hormones turning me into a psychotic bitch from hell. It could be me leaning towards filing for D and deciding I'm done. I really don't know. Pros/cons of telling his family, my family, our friends, and our children??? This came up on another thread and I have started preparing to tell others, but want to know the pros and cons. I want him to face the music and have to feel shame and have the dirty little secret make some noise for him. I don't like him feeling like he got away with it. He is remorseful and upset and still bending over to try, but I just have decided "done". Would it do any good to tell?

plewpiter posted 4/24/2014 11:29 AM

The only reason I told anyone else is so that I had a network of people that I could immediately lean on when I started to have "crazy" thoughts. I chose them wisely--people that would support me whatever way I chose to go, R or D. And people that I could trust not to blab.

It served two-fold. #1, they confirmed I wasn't crazy for feeling the way I did (i.e., they agreed what my WW did really was as bad as it seemed). That served to relieve a lot of pent up stress and tension from holding it in for so long. #2, since an IC is not available 24/7 the way this small group is, now I had a safety net to use when I don't have time to schedule an appointment with the IC right away. They check on me periodically, too, because we know that we can sometimes get stuck in our fog of pity, woe, and self-apathy.

steadfast1973 posted 4/24/2014 11:31 AM

I told my two best friends. One of them is the wife of his best friend... He told his friend, thinking she had... but she's a good secret keeper.

lostworld posted 4/24/2014 12:14 PM

Given that you really can't yet identify why you want to out him (anger, hormones, divorce, evening the score, engaging others to support you, etc.), I'd keep it quiet. Once it's out, you can't put it back in the box, and often others who love us have a really hard time getting over their reactions to seeing us so hurt, even when we want them to.

I don't mean keeping it quiet from someone who you really know has your back and will support you without spreading your private struggles to others. I told my brother, my sister-in-law, and my best friend. Ironically it was the family, not the best buddy who betrayed my confidence. It did me a world of good to have people in real life to talk to, but I think it's important to be able to really trust those folks. For me, reconciling was hard enough without having to worry that some people that learned about the A through gossip or others, may later judge me or my H. I didn't want to have to do any unnecessary additionaly"damage control." Since we are successfully R'd, I'm glad I kept, or tried to keep, the A to a very small number of incredibly supportive people.

itainteasy posted 4/24/2014 12:19 PM

1) He doesn't get away with people thinking he's a "great guy".
2) You might find some support from unexpected sources.
3) If he has to truly face his actions in a public way (meaning family and friends KNOWING what he did) he may be motivated to work harder in IC, and MC.

1) Once it's out, you can never put it back.
2) You may have to deal with people who take his side (like his family and friends, possibly)
3) If you decide ultimately to R--you may find people won't look at your WH the same way which can affect relationships. (losing friends, family members being cold, etc)
4) Telling the kids can have all sorts of bad fall out. Loss of respect for the father for cheating. Loss of respect for the mother for staying. There can be behavioral issues and definately psychological and emotional issues. If you tell the kids, do it in age appropriate ways.

That's all I can think of at the moment...I'm sure there will be many more answers from other SIers who have been where you are, deena.


deena04 posted 4/24/2014 12:54 PM

Thanks; I honestly think that all of those are my reasons behind wanting to out him. I can't pinpoint it to just one. I want him accountable and facing the music. I just don't know where and with whom to start and how far to go with it.

twisted posted 4/24/2014 13:05 PM

If you are R and have kids, especially young ones, I would keep the information under control to very close friends that will support you and the marriage. You can't un-tell anyone.
Yes, it does seem the BH is getting away with it, not paying a price. Most of us understand that all too well, believe me. In my WW case, it would have been devastating if all her friends found out, as she likes to present a "perfect marriage" front. With her, it's all about appearances.
I'm not sure that it would do anything at this point but makes thing a bit more difficult, as I don't want people feeling sorry for me, and I have no doubt our friends would turn on her.
I do wonder if a couple of our closest friends, (her best friends) knew if anything was going on, and didn't tell me.
I have considered cornering one and asking her, but it would be exposing the A if she didn't know.

justasinger posted 4/24/2014 13:09 PM

Someone asked me, should I ever end my relationship with my SO, and a good friend wanted to date her, how would I react? I didn't really give a complete answer, because it would have 'outed' all the dirty little secrets and the person that asked me did not know of the situation (not that I know of anyway, but come to think of it, it is possible that they were one of the OM's). But the question did get me to thinking, and I know this is a bit off the subject of what you asked, but I think it's related enough to share. The answer comes in two parts.
part one (assuming the friend is a decent sort of person) I would definitely warn him... Probably not go into any details, unless he was seriously concerned at that point, but I would definitely tell him what he needed to know.
part 2, if he wasn't really a good guy (meaning he's like she is), I would warn her... I didn't exactly know at the time why I would warn her, but after reflecting on that answer for a few months, my reason for warning her is that no one deserves to have what she's done to me done to them. I won't go out of my way to make her life difficult, definitely not going to rent a billboard or blast the social media sites with the indiscretions, but I'm not going to let someone put themselves in harms way either.

BreatheAgain10 posted 4/24/2014 13:26 PM

I jumped the gun and told my family and friends pretty much on my last DDay. Not EVERY person I knew but enough ppl. I don't regret it tho. I can't advise anyone to do as I did, but I had a HUGE support system of ppl who cared enough that it really helped me thru some of those toughest, most shocking days after DDay.
I had ppl calling me, taking me out to keep me distracted, coming over just to hug me... And those ppl understood when I wanted to R with my fWH and didn't give me flack for it.
I can't say whether it's a good idea in your situation bc I don't know the ppl in your life. There is a possibility for it backfiring when ppl give their unwanted opinions. However, I totally understand your feelings like he's getting away without having to feel the embarrassment you feel. You want ppl to know what a selfish ass he's been. I get it. I can only say that just think hard about who you tell.

bionicgal posted 4/24/2014 13:29 PM

Gently - "being accountable and facing the music" is between you and him, not him and the world. Sure, you're pissed, but that is no way to make decisions - out of spite, especially since you have kids.

What is he doing to heal you guys MC? IC? Reading?

What are you doing?

getnbtr1 posted 4/24/2014 13:33 PM

I think having a support network of people that know what you're going through is very important. You don't have to make it an all-or-nothing thing where either everyone knows or no one. Tell those closest to you so you have people to turn. Telling others shouldn't be as a way to punish him but rather a way to help promote your own healing.

deena04 posted 4/24/2014 14:39 PM

Thanks; what am I doing? I am reading, reading, reading, and becoming the type of person I want to be. I have put many things on the backburner because of my WS and not doing that anymore. My goals are moved upfront and center now. I read constantly about infidelity and healing and love languages...the list goes on.

He is trying to be a better husband. He helps more at home and bends over backwards to answer questions. Most times he handles it well, but does get upset other times (namely if he just worked a 14 hour day and I hit him up with questions).

Counseling was limited to a couple of sessions as finances were tight this year. I know divorce can cost more, but realistically, it was not in the cards for us to do much counseling.

Honestly, he doesn't read much about it unless I send him a link and tell him to read it. I do that often. He never reaches out to find his own material to read. He cries often at this and hates himself for hit. I see the pain in his eyes. I just don't know if I care anymore. Divorce is my decision of the moment; it gives me peace and relief.

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