Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I need this nightmare to stop

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

lifeshattered posted 4/24/2014 12:29 PM

Like many people making their first post, I've been reading other peoples posts for a while and haven't had the strength to reach out or admit to myself that I need to be a card carrying member of this group. Thank you all in advance for the support you will provide. Grab a cup of tea and settle into a comfy chair because this post will be a novella.

So here's the basics.
Me: 58
H: 57
Married: 33 yrs
3 grown children & 2 grandchildren

My current nightmare started last May.
My H had been increasing his drinking over the past 3 years. I had tried to get him to stop but of course he didn't see that he had a problem. No drinking was allowed in our house by that time.

Our youngest daughter and her fiancée had just bought a house (in a town 15 minutes from here) and move in. I went over on a Friday evening to help her unpack. My H had had a long week at work and didn't want to join me. Turned out the other 2 kids, their significant others & the grandchildren all could come over. I called my H to see if he'd like to come over as everyone would be there, again he said no, he was way too tired. About an hour later he changed his mind and arrived drunk!
Long story short... Our son who is 38 and I did a family intervention that weekend and within a few weeks he had been to our family doctor, was a member of AA, had a sponsor and seeing a IC. He was working hard on the 12 Steps but was really having issues with Steps 4 & 5 -Taking Personal Inventory & Admitting his wrongs.

Fast forward - March of this year. H hands break out in a rash. This is nothing new when he is under stress his hands break out and he has a prescription for it. Only this time his hands just keep getting worse and he ends up going to the ER over the weekend. The ER doctor switches the prescription and tells him to follow up with the family doctor if it doesn't improve. No improvement so he goes to the family doctor and the medication is switched again. It was time for his yearly blood work so off to the lab he was sent. Doctor's office calls him, his labs are good and his rash is going away.

THEN THE INSURANCE STATEMENT ARRIVES: I read through his labs and what do I find?.... A Syphilis Test! I confront my H and low and behold he tells me that once 10 years ago he was unfaithful. This is 4 days after our 33 year wedding anniversary. I go into flight or fight and fight I did. I told him that I didn't believe it was "Once 10 years ago" And then the truth starts dribbling out. His 1st time was when he was away on business after we had been married around the 4 month mark. Then a few years later again out of town on business with a temporary co-worker. They played house for 4 days. Then he switched to prostitutes! There had been 4 pros over the years (all when he was out of town on business)and the last one was in 2010. So D-Day 1
March 18th.

I went into to meltdown mode.. couldn't eat or sleep.. lost 10 pounds in 4 days. I didn't have a clue during our marriage that he was a SA. He was into X-rated video's (which I didn't approve of) but I thought he watched then only once a month or so. I went to see his IC twice and he confirmed that my H is a SA.

I told my H that I needed full disclosure so that I knew what I was being asked to accept. I had so many D-Days since then. He doesn't remember them all! I now have a spread sheet made and it's up to- 21 different occasions in 6 different states and 4 foreign countries! The ones he has been having the worst time remembering are the ones in our own state.
I found out that in 2010 he switched over to online sex. I got into his online sex account (which hadn't been active since June of 2013) but it was all archived! I have read every conversation, watched every recorded video of him typing instructions to the online sex partners and watching them preform for him. He was up to going online 3-4 times a day.He is now starting SAA. Had a full STD panel. Negative that GOD. He wants to become the husband he never was and to love and honor me the rest of his life. FYI- We haven't had sex in 11 years because he was impotent. Found out his doctor gave him ED meds that he used to masturbate while. He couldn't have sex with me because he was sure that I "found him disgusting"

I've gone to an attorney about my rights if I divorce him. I've paid off our home and moved the majority of our money into a different bank in only my name. Bought a new car. Cancelled him off of the credit cards. Ran our credit reports. Add up the money he spent sexing online - $12,000!(Actually I made him add up the money spent) I have an appointment with my doctor this coming Monday and now I'm just stuck in Hell. My brother is dying and our youngest daughter is getting married in 31 days! I need to find a way to get through the next month so that I don't ruin our daughters wedding.
I would normally have confided to my oldest sister but her and her family are coming to the wedding and then staying an extra week afterwards and I don't want her to feel weird and not come. I have only told one friend of mine.

I am not doing mentally well.. I'm stuck in a vicious loop at the bottom of a big black hole. I can't believe my 33 years of marriage was such a sham and my H was living a double life the whole time. What the crap, I'm now old and used up. The only blessing that I see is he was never arrested and doesn't have aids. He is doing full transparency, only $20 in his wallet and brings me every receipt.

So here's the basics.
Me: 58
WH: 57 - 22 pros
D Day 1 - March 18
Married: 33 yrs
3 grown children & 2 grandchildren

justasinger posted 4/24/2014 12:53 PM

Wow, so very sorry you find yourself needing SI, but glad you have found it. There will be many here with better insight than I have, but I wanted to tell you you've been heard, and my heart goes out to you.

I'd also like to say you are not 'used up'. You are in a very bad spot right now, but things will get better. You must believe that. You need to do what you need to, for yourself and your family. Take care of yourself right now, eat, drink, go for a walk. I wish I had the key to fixing the pain we all feel here, but I'm just not that smart.

I'm a singer, and a song writer, and I tend to go to music to ease my tension. I don't know what you tend to go to, but I'm sure you have something. Go to it, forget your troubles just for a little while. Post here at SI as much as you feel you need, everyone here that I have talked with is nothing but helpful and genuinely concerned with your welfare and helping you make your own decision.

1Faith posted 4/24/2014 13:07 PM

Dear Life

We are all sorry that you find yourself here. But it is a good and safe place for you to be and to vent and to breathe.

All of this is a lot to absorb. Too much at times. Allow yourself the space to mourn, be angry and grieve.

I'm now old and used up

No you are not. You are strong. And you are wonderful.

When you can try and focus on the positive. The wedding, your children and grandchildren.

Define your boundaries going forward (which is sounds as if you have done)and just take one day at a time.

You deserve happiness, honesty and truth. We are all here rooting you on.

Good luck.

Mhiimg65 posted 4/24/2014 16:40 PM

Your story is similar to mine, although your WH was much more extensive in his A's. My d-Day was Jan 4th, so I'm still new with living in this nightmare. We are in MC, he is in IC, and just attended his first SA meeting today. I don't have any great words of advise yet except maybe for a couple of things:

1. You are not "old and used up". You are in the prime of life. Embrace your beauty and keep reminding yourself that you caused none of his behavior. Look at yourself in the mirror every day and look beyond the teary eyes and the "whatever"s and realize the good person that is in there. You didn't stray from your moral code. He did.

2. Be patient. I sometimes have days where I can almost not think about it for a few hours, and other days when I'm still consumed by it all. I just try to look forward to the future, No matter what the future brings, I know it will be better than the nightmare I've lived with the past 4 months.

There are many people on this forum, unfortunately. So many wise ones too. Post often because anytime you need someone, they will be here.

((Lifeshattered)) - hugs

kansas1968 posted 4/24/2014 17:19 PM

The hardest thing to do in this situation is not make any snap decisions. You have been very smart to get yourself in a good position financially so that you can end the marraige if you need to. This isn't your fault. He is broken. Whether he can be fixed is up to him.

I know this will be practically impossible, but try and put it on the back burner for the next month. You will have years to deal with this. See if you can get into IC right away so you will have someone to talk to. It is very wise to be selective on who you tell early on. If you have a friend who you can trust, then talk to him/her.

I found out when I was 64, but the affair started in his early fifties and continued for seven years. So I know how you feel about be old and used up. I never felt so old and ugly in my life!! Hugs and keep posting.

mandolin555 posted 4/24/2014 18:21 PM

Let's do some reframing. You are you. No matter what she you are. This man did not "use you up". He abused the love you offered. You are the only person who can love you the way you need to be loved and starting right this moment, you must never speak about yourself as a relict. Join a curves. Lighten your hair. Eat super healthy. Embrace this beautiful life you have...and take control of those awful thoughts of not being of value anymore. If you left today...I promise you there are hundreds of men in your same age group who would love you to pieces. Or you could leave right now and love yourself to pieces.

Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.     Privacy Policy