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brokeback posted 4/24/2014 14:56 PM

I felt it was necessary to post this on the board. As a new member, but very mature person, I feel as though I've seen some members come off as harsh, or sarcastic and definitely not what the Forum's message depicts.

I am new here, but not new to on-line support groups and I feel that I am not being sensitive here. This is my opinion. I ask that before you post on someone's thread, please check in with yourself and your language. We don't need to kick others when they are already down. When that happens, people stop listening.

I think this is a great place to get support and help for many and most people are helpful and kind, but on occasion someone's response to another poster comes off as offensive or crass and it's just not necessary. I'm all for hard cold truth, but there's a way to deliver a strong message without coming across as bitter or angry.

Just my two cents as the new kid on the block. If it doesn't apply, let it fly.

Surviving Infidelity is your safe place to come and share your pain and feeling of isolation upon discovery of betrayal. All are welcome here, even the betraying partner, provided they are remorseful and committed to healing. Please use this site to network with others who are feeling a loss of hope and shattered dreams and trying to survive the most painful type of betrayal we all have unfortunately come to know.

We ask all members to please follow our code of showing respect, patience and compassion through this very difficult time you all are facing.

[This message edited by brokeback at 2:57 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Aubrie posted 4/24/2014 15:19 PM

What I appreciate about SI is the Moderators. They protect us. If things get out of hand, they take care of it.

I use an example not to call people out, but show you that every method, every voice is heard. Just maybe not by the same people or in the same way.

Floridaredman and HUFI are gentle giants. I have seen them both be flowery and eloquent with words. I have seen passive, whiney WS cry and complain, and not hear what they had to say. And I have also seen the most bone-headed, obnoxious WS stop and *hear* what they are saying.

20Wrongs doesn't sugar coat. She's not flowery. She's loud, proud, and assertive. I have seen bone-headed, obnoxious WS stomp off all hot under the collar. And I have seen super passive, whiney WS *hear* her.

See every voice, no matter the style, is needed here. Different people accept different communication. What works for you may not work for me. And vice versa. That's the beauty in individuality. Each difference voice that speaks has the power to jolt a person out of Unicorn Land.

I appreciate everyone here. The loud and proud. And the gentle giants. We need them all.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 15:28 PM

Thanks for that.

I want to stick around. I think it's important for my journey and I believe I can offer support.

It's hard for me to swallow when I feel others are not as compassionate as we ought to be.

My issue?

It was just meant for a reminder to check in with ourselves. I agree that every voice is important. We all have something to add. My fear is if it's being heard or not.

I guess what matters is if I'm hearing it or not.

Another...Ah,ha...see, they keep coming. :)

BrokenButTrying posted 4/24/2014 15:30 PM

I agree with Aubrie.

We need all those voices. Every newbie is different and each will find a different approach helpful.

I tend to be quite blunt, sarcastic and to the point. It comes from a good place though.

"Take what's helpful and leave the rest" and all that jazz. The mods do an awesome job.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/24/2014 17:10 PM

brokeback, you're saying some posters "come across" as bitter, crass, harsh or sarcastic. Are you willing to consider the possibility that you may be projecting? Most members' intentions are noble, and they don't post spuriously, even though their communication styles widely differ.

((Aubrie)) Thanks for bumping DS's "Judgment in Replies??" thread. From that, brilliantly stated:

MissesJai: When your head is that far up your ass, anything that doesn't fall in line with your fucked up thinking is an "attack" or a "judgment". I'm straight, no chaser because I know that's what it took for me to wake up. No sugar coating, no coddling, none of that - just truth. Some folks just ain't ready to hear it.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 17:35 PM

If I believed I was projecting, I'd accept that.

Seems like I struck a nerve, when my intent was just to have ppl check themselves before posting. I meant no disrespect.

I did say I believe most ppl are well intended here. I understand that the long time posters feel a sense of pride in the online community that has given support and encouragement in the darkest of times. I get that.

Sometimes it's the new set of eyes that helps us see we can be better or not.

It's not a personal attack on anyone here. Just a mere observation and suggestion. No harm was intended.

Deeply Scared posted 4/24/2014 17:41 PM


I think your message was clear and honorable, they are afterall, your feelings and it's so important to always give them a voice.

For me personally...I think there is a healthy balance of some of the more gentle posters and some of the not so gentle posters I like the way things flow here, but that's just me and obviously I pretty biased

I'm glad you felt secure and strong enough to start this thread and express yourself!! I hope others join in with their opinions and observations as well

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/24/2014 17:49 PM

Seems like I struck a nerve

Huh? I'm confused. Typically this phrase is employed when responses are argumentative or defensive. Is that the tone you detected in Aubrie, BBT or me? I'm genuinely curious to know how the responses landed with you.

Alyssamd24 posted 4/24/2014 17:58 PM

I understand what you are saying and respect the message you are trying to get out. I went back and looked at some of your posts and think that you are very supportive to other members, and try to offer your empathy. For many people that is exactly the support they need. On some of my own posts you have responded, and I appreciate the warmth and support you have offered

Since I have been on SI I have posted many times and have gotten plenty of feedback from veteran SI members...many of whom have used an approach opposite of yours....they have been blunt, sarcastic, and full of tough love. These replies have also helped me because they have made me see things from other views and have helped me really focus on things I wouldn't have.

In my case both approaches have been extremely helpful, and many of the people who were once really harsh to me have been a wonderful support to me.

I just wanted to share my story and let you know how both approaches have helped me!

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 18:03 PM

Thank you for that.

Some ppl appreciate the tough love approach and others will high tail out of here.

Just a check in suggestion.

sunnyrain posted 4/24/2014 18:07 PM

Hi brokeback,

I appreciate your fresh eyes and want to thank you for your well-intentioned feedback.

I've been here off-and-on since 2010, and like you, when I first arrived I noticed a certain "harshness" in some replies. At first, I was puzzled as to why it even seemed to get under my skin because I'm generally not bothered by strong voiced individuals.

What I've since realized is that it isn't so much the "tone" of SI that I sometimes find bothersome (say it loud, say it soft = NBD), but rather the underlying current of only one "right" way of thinking, feeling, doing, or answering. A sort of get-it-right or we'll-beat-it-into-you-until-you-do kind of thing.

IDK, I mean I got the bumper sticker, but it's still sitting in the kitchen drawer.

Anyway, good to see you here, and thanks for sharing!

BaxtersBFF posted 4/24/2014 18:28 PM

Chiming in...

I did say I believe most ppl are well intended here. I understand that the long time posters feel a sense of pride in the online community that has given support and encouragement in the darkest of times.

I would say all people here are supportive. It really is just the different voices on SI. Many of us can read responses and "know" who the poster is without looking at the name, just because of their voice. On every post, especially in the Wayward forum, there will be a voice that the OP responds to. We all give it our best shot, because we are all trying to be helpful. Someone usually breaks through, whether the response sounds harsh or not, and that's just the way it works.

I don't believe any of us are ever trying to chase anyone off. We are just trying to break through a barrier that the majority of new folks seem to have when they come here. When it comes down to it, the people who aren't ready will end up leaving or responding in such a way that they get the problem sort of sorts itself out...

Seriously though, I appreciate that you've stuck around and have already started contributing. That is what make SI work. So, Thank you brokeback.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 18:34 PM

Okay, so I'm not completely blind :)

I've been on other online support communities and I've seen a sharp contrast in cultures and acceptance in voices that appear at times bitter, resentful, and angry.

Yes, I've have already caught the "right" way to be vibe or we'll beat it into you approach. It's been painful to witness at times.

Funny thing is I'm a former police officer and social worker turned educator, so I have evolved my approach to reaching people. Humor, honesty, mixed with compassion and understanding go along way in my book.

But that's just me...

Alyssamd24 posted 4/24/2014 18:42 PM


Thats a pretty impressive resume....police officer, social worker, and educator! !!

You definitely have experience working with the community!

End of random t/j

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 18:50 PM

And from RI.

Just noticed we are neighbors

authenticnow posted 4/24/2014 19:33 PM


It might also be the nature of the site. I've been on a quit smoking board and that got pretty nasty but that's because there was absolutely no moderating on there at all. It was a free for all.

On here, if you consider that we're talking about cheating, it's safe to assume that people's emotions run at their highest and are very passionate at most moments of posting.

It's very tough for waywards who are 'on the other side' to sit back and watch others who just come on self destructing. But I do agree that it's always better to be kind. Sometimes it's just hard to get the message across kindly when the topic is so emotional. Also, what's kind to one is not necessarily kind to another. Sometimes being kind is telling it like it is, no sugarcoating.

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 19:48 PM

I thank everyone for responding.

I tend to speak my mind and try to be as honest as I can, and this was just something I felt I needed to share.

I realized by offering my observations and thoughts on the matter, I was putting myself out on a limb. I do feel safe enough to share my thoughts here and I also knew I would find out pretty quickly based on the responses if this was the right forum for me; one that respects everyone's opinon's whether they agree with them or not.

I'd like to stick around. Thanks to all for chiming in.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/24/2014 19:58 PM

brokeback, sincerely, I'm curious about what you're trying to convey here, so I'm going to practice "active listening" to see if I'm receiving what you're sending.

there's a way to deliver a strong message without coming across as bitter or angry.

Communication is a two-way street. Just because a message "comes across" as bitter or angry, that's not necessarily the fault of the messenger. Sometimes we perceive offense where there is none, due to our own filters. Would you agree?

You're seeing a pattern on SI of bitterness, anger, and resentment. That's your perspective, so it's not wrong for you, but personally I'm not seeing it. This topic is one that comes up frequently on SI, and it's fascinating to me, to see how people can perceive the same thing in such vastly different ways.

Yes, I've have already caught the "right" way to be vibe or we'll beat it into you approach. It's been painful to witness at times.

Ironic, since you seem to be indicating that...

Humor, honesty, mixed with compassion and understanding a more "evolved" approach than other communication styles.

Maybe I'm misinterpreting you, and I welcome the correction. It seems like you're saying that your communication style is "move evolved" and therefore superior, and that you're qualified to judge others' communication styles due to your maturity and professional experience. Am I getting that right?

brokeback posted 4/24/2014 20:11 PM

I'm in no way superior to anyone here.

You are really taking what I'm saying the wrong way and putting me on the defensive, which is not where I want to be at all.

My observations are just that, mine. And I really don't want to get into a tit for tat w you over this. I'm sensing that no matter what I say to you, we could go on and on all night disagreeing and trying to prove to the other their POV.

Seems most people understand where I'm coming from. I'm really sorry if you don't.

It was a simple reminder to be kinder.

Unagie posted 4/24/2014 20:16 PM

I appreciate your approach Brokeback but for waywards like me I needed tough love. That is what got through to me those messages that made me flinch. The coddling and the sweet made me feel like I was getting ego kibbles from a different source and it made me feel worse. I had some pretty hard 2x4's wielded at me, Aubrie swung a few, so did missesjai and walkingoneggshellz. All are straight talking honest folks that wanted to help. I was only able to accept the advice of our gentler members like Hufi, floridaredman and baxtersbff after I had a few bruises. I think a lot come here thinking unless they fall in line to the same thinking it will be beat into them. Not so. Do you know how many members want me to leave where I am in any way shape or form? All of them know I want to leave with no debts and in a solid financial place. Being here means continued contact with xSO that is stretching my hurt because I am horrible at the 180. Not one has turned away because I dont follow the majority. I am still supported.

As a newbie your thoughts and words are just as important as the vets. I have been here since Oct 2012 and I am in no way a vet but I've been told my words made a difference and I tend to not hold punches. To each his own, this works because we are all so different.

[This message edited by Unagie at 8:17 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]

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