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Kdgirl posted 4/24/2014 20:52 PM

I have 'Not Just Friends' and another book by Janis Abrams. I am thinking of buying 'How to Help Your Spouse Heal' and also '5 Love Languages'. I am 2 years out and we have never really discussed his A. I am determined to do this soon. I'm thinking of approaching it in a way that shows that I am prepared to deal with the past as well as do all we can to make the future the best it can be. But first comes dealing with the past. And I have to have answers. Is 'helping your spouse heal' a better choice than 'not just friends'. He isn't much of a reader and I need it to be concise as possible. My thoughts are to have him read it then we sit down and have a talk. We are going to a family reunion next week and I was thinking on the way home we could stop somewhere and talk. I think talking somewhere where he can not up and walk away is good. The very few times we tried to discuss anything at home that's what is usually the end result. One of us walks away and nothing gets settled.
The anniversary of his EA/PA season is here. DDay was July 3,2012. My very large family was coming to my house for 4th of July celebration 15 hours after shit hit the fan. And came they did. I smiled and laughed and got through the day while I was dying inside. I watched my mom interact with him in such a loving manner and thought 'How in the hell could you do this to me AND my family?' So far only one sis knows and the rest still think he's just wonderful
I digress......I want to have books on hand to help with discussion. Does anyone think one is better than the other? I have marked passages in 'NJFs' so it would be easier for him but I am kinda thinking a concise book is the way to go as long as it covers everything. And with having '5 Love Languages' it shows I'm looking at a better future for us as long as he does the work.
Thanks for any input

atsenaotie posted 4/24/2014 21:07 PM


These are all questions he should be asking. When you talk of marking passages I think of the phrase "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." You can tell him books that are meaningful to you and ask that he read them too so that the two of you can discuss them and how they relate to your M and his A. If he is unwilling to do that, and in 2 years has not been interested in being proactive in understanding his A I do not see much hope.

As for after a family reunion, I would be mentally exhausted and the last thing I would want is a difficult topic to deal with, but I am an introvert, maybe he is different. Again, if you have to trap him to get him to talk to you about his A, he is not really interested in dealing with it or you. Will there be alcohol at the reunion?

Finally, as to books, I liked Not Just Friends by Glass. Sexual Detour by Hines really helped me to understand what the A were about and how they related to our relationship.

-- Ats

Gardenerinpain posted 4/24/2014 21:09 PM

Oh honey, don't know what to say. Haven't gotten my WH to look at either. Think "Not just friends" is the best. How about reading it to him rather than making him read it?

Kdgirl posted 4/24/2014 22:37 PM

ATS- haven't ran across the 2nd book you suggested. I'll ck in to it though. Our family reunions are very mild. A dinner and No alcohol. Almost everyone is over 80 also :).
I have to say that part of the reason we haven't talked about A is because I let him off the hook. And I just can't do it anymore. I dwell on this crap 24/7. I know he thinks we are doing good and should let dead dogs lie...but this dog never really died! Just in his world.
I just read my journal from a couple months past DDay. The same questions still keep me up at night.
He has quit seeing or talking to her but other than that - mentally I'm still in same boat. Miserable!! No trust. Wondering if we are trying too hard to save something that died a long time ago :(

Gardener in pain - that's a thought. Might try just to hit points that meant most to me. Thanks.

phoenix2015 posted 4/24/2014 22:55 PM

Kdgirl, I have probably read over ten books so far on the subject and still feel How to Help My Spouse Heal was the best. I have read it five times now. It helps me feel sane and understood. It is a quick read and "how to" manual for your WS. I had never seen my WH read a book in 23 years, but he did get through this one. Sadly, it is still the only "research" he has done. I have now loaned it out twice to others in need. Good luck! I think you have some good ideas

kansas1968 posted 4/24/2014 23:09 PM

Those are both great boooks. It is unfortunate that this much time has passed before you two have been talking about the affair. That has to be horrible for you.

I would just tell him that you are going to have to face it and talk to each other. It is mandatory. Set a time aside and limit it to maybe one hour or half hour a week. Highlight a few pages in your books that you want him to read. Things that resonate with you, and then discuss those few pages together. Try to keep it calm. He is enjoying not having to think about it. No WS wants to talk about or think about it. He has been lucky so far, but tell him that he has to for you to heal.

Hugs and good luck with the conversations.

atsenaotie posted 4/25/2014 07:31 AM

Good Luck Kdgirl,

Did OW ever get another job and leave where they worked together?

Remember that you are not going to solve the issue in just one talk, so do not set your sights too high for this first discussion. Maybe just laying out how you feel, asking for a written timeline, and asking him to acknowledge your feelings. Let him know ahead of time that this is something that you want to do so that he does not feel ambushed. Also let him know that this is not confrontation because you want to punish him, but confrontation to resolve an issue that is standing between you and emotional intimacy with him.

The 5 Love Languages was very insightful for FWW and I, I only wish she better applied the lessons we learned. Unfortunately, some of the personality aspects and FOO issues that interfered with our M relationship and primed FWW for her A still exist and get in the way of openness and expression of love. This could be true for your FWH too is he has not done work to discover why he had the A and identify (and address) his personality issues that supported his decision to have an A.


[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:32 AM, April 25th (Friday)]

Kdgirl posted 4/25/2014 18:52 PM

Thanks so much for your responses. I guess I have been pretty naive on thinking this would be resolved in one sitting. I really didn't think past the first few words out of my mouth. I think I was just so nervous about bringing it up at all I just didn't think past that point. And why am I so nervous?? Dang, I get mad at myself just for admitting that. I know this has got to be done but know talking about it will make it feel like DD all over again.

Ats- she quit 14 months ago. She knew I was trying to find a way to contact her H. So she quit. Which is great. Those 8 months they still worked together was excruciating painful. I regret not telling her BH but couldn't find a # or where he worked. I posted a MSG to him on his FB page but evidently she made it for him and he never got on it. My WH is adamant about us leaving them alone. He just doesn't understand that to me that is putting her needs ahead of mine. I still would like to tell him. I don't care if its been 2 years. He has a right to know what he's married to.

hopefull77 posted 4/25/2014 19:43 PM


the first night of dday I spent hours on my kindle searching.... I found helping your spouse heal it is short and an easy spouse is no reader either but he did start this and a few weeks later in his first IC appt. he mentioned this book ...but the one that hit home with him was Scott Haltzman The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity... I have read it more than was extremely helpful for us...
he is pro marriage ... also How We Love...great website and you can take a quiz...I knew all along I was a pleaser and he was a classic avoider...
last year during Lent I read The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nowen...this book moved me in a spiritual way like no other...on a side note I could not be where I am without my faith...
If you find something please post ... I have read a ton of books... I devoured books in an afternoon...some were great some were a repeat...
focus forward...
I wish you peace

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