1 DD, 1 DS (23 and 21) D-Day July 3 ,2012 OW 30 yo co-worker
These are all questions he should be asking. When you talk of marking passages I think of the phrase "you can lead a horse to water, but you can't make it drink." You can tell him books that are meaningful to you and ask that he read them too so that the two of you can discuss them and how they relate to your M and his A. If he is unwilling to do that, and in 2 years has not been interested in being proactive in understanding his A I do not see much hope.
As for after a family reunion, I would be mentally exhausted and the last thing I would want is a difficult topic to deal with, but I am an introvert, maybe he is different. Again, if you have to trap him to get him to talk to you about his A, he is not really interested in dealing with it or you. Will there be alcohol at the reunion?
Finally, as to books, I liked Not Just Friends by Glass. Sexual Detour by Hines really helped me to understand what the A were about and how they related to our relationship.
-- Ats
I am the master of my fate: I am the captain of my soul. William Ernest Henley
Gardener in pain - that's a thought. Might try just to hit points that meant most to me. Thanks.
Your character is what you do when you think no one is watching.
I would just tell him that you are going to have to face it and talk to each other. It is mandatory. Set a time aside and limit it to maybe one hour or half hour a week. Highlight a few pages in your books that you want him to read. Things that resonate with you, and then discuss those few pages together. Try to keep it calm. He is enjoying not having to think about it. No WS wants to talk about or think about it. He has been lucky so far, but tell him that he has to for you to heal.
Hugs and good luck with the conversations.
Did OW ever get another job and leave where they worked together?
Remember that you are not going to solve the issue in just one talk, so do not set your sights too high for this first discussion. Maybe just laying out how you feel, asking for a written timeline, and asking him to acknowledge your feelings. Let him know ahead of time that this is something that you want to do so that he does not feel ambushed. Also let him know that this is not confrontation because you want to punish him, but confrontation to resolve an issue that is standing between you and emotional intimacy with him.
The 5 Love Languages was very insightful for FWW and I, I only wish she better applied the lessons we learned. Unfortunately, some of the personality aspects and FOO issues that interfered with our M relationship and primed FWW for her A still exist and get in the way of openness and expression of love. This could be true for your FWH too is he has not done work to discover why he had the A and identify (and address) his personality issues that supported his decision to have an A.
--Ats
[This message edited by atsenaotie at 7:32 AM, April 25th (Friday)]
Ats- she quit 14 months ago. She knew I was trying to find a way to contact her H. So she quit. Which is great. Those 8 months they still worked together was excruciating painful. I regret not telling her BH but couldn't find a # or where he worked. I posted a MSG to him on his FB page but evidently she made it for him and he never got on it. My WH is adamant about us leaving them alone. He just doesn't understand that to me that is putting her needs ahead of mine. I still would like to tell him. I don't care if its been 2 years. He has a right to know what he's married to.
the first night of dday I spent hours on my kindle searching.... I found helping your spouse heal it is short and an easy read...my spouse is no reader either but he did start this and a few weeks later in his first IC appt. he mentioned this book ...but the one that hit home with him was Scott Haltzman The Secrets of Surviving Infidelity... I have read it more than once...it was extremely helpful for us... he is pro marriage ... also How We Love...great website and you can take a quiz...I knew all along I was a pleaser and he was a classic avoider... last year during Lent I read The Return of the Prodigal Son by Henri Nowen...this book moved me in a spiritual way like no other...on a side note I could not be where I am without my faith... If you find something please post ... I have read a ton of books... I devoured books in an afternoon...some were great some were a repeat... focus forward... I wish you peace
"First the fall, and then the recovery from the fall, and both are the mercy of God." —Julian of Norwich
