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maybethistime posted 4/24/2014 22:08 PM

I have been struggling badly the last few days. Between my kids, myself and my husband's family therapy I have seen a therapist everyday this week. I feel better during and immediately after, but the anger surfaces so fast! I have been exercising like crazy, can't eat (lost 4 pounds since sunday and my doctor is not thrilled). I can't sleep.

I am so pissed at the unfairness of it all. He got to experience the thrills, excitement and butterflies of being with someone new. I got the pain of dealing with my husband's betrayal. I am struggling not to do something self destructive (revenge sex, impulse tattoo, running away). He has spent the last 5 days in a psych ward escaping the damage that he left behind. Tomorrow he may be discharged and I don't know how I feel about that.

My mother always told me that life is not fair, but this is so unfair! I wish I could stomp my feet and throw a temper tantrum. Instead I have to handle my kids anger and pain, while trying to process mine.

Please tell me this will get better.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/24/2014 22:20 PM

It will get better. You are allowed to have all of these feelings and don't feel like you have to justify them. You were betrayed, as we all have been. It hurts. It sucks. It gets better. You wouldn't be here if you didn't believe that.

Just know that with the difficulties that you are experiencing right now, you are fostering a new skill that gets stronger over time. While he is focusing on himself with where he is at, go ahead and take some time for yourself. You can't take care of anything around you if you are not taking care of yourself. Focus some attention towards the kids. Attempt as much of the 180 as you can muster. Rely on your friends here at SI.

bionicgal posted 4/24/2014 22:26 PM

From reading your other post, I don't believe your husband is: "experiencing the thrills, excitement and butterflies of being with someone new." It sounds like he is quite ill.. Multiple affairs are one thing, seeking out sex with transvestites after a history of sexual acting out is another.

I am so sorry - it is unfair.

This may be painful to read, but do you think he is gay and all of this acting out is just a response to him not being true to himself? Is he the victim of childhood sexual abuse? Has he been evaluated for sexual addiction? Something has to give -- you can't live like this.

Hugs, honey.

[This message edited by bionicgal at 10:27 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]

maybethistime posted 4/24/2014 22:39 PM

Thank you for the encouragement. I have addressed with his counselor the possibility of sex addiction, and she does not feel that he is. She said that she feels his acting out is a combination of abandonment issues, unresolved anger towards me (no clue anger over what) and intimacy issues. I asked him if he was gay and he said absolutely not. He said that the one person was a transvestite but that he did not know at the time. TMI but he was on the receiving end of oral from that one. He said he found out after the fact and felt sick. I read the emails that were exchanged after the fact and that story sounds plausible. Still does not excuse or justify him meeting random people for sex at all!! The others were women from what I can find, but he has gotten so good at covering his tracks.

I need him to get healthy for our daughters, but have come to the realization that it is too late for us. It is so hard to process everything and accept that the future and plans that I had for my life are rapidly changing.

kansas1968 posted 4/24/2014 23:04 PM

Of course it will get better. None of could maintain the level of pain that we feel early on and live. Try to not make any snap decisions. You can always get a divorce so make sure your emotions have calmed enough to know that is what you want.

The revelation of infidelity is much like the death of a loved one, only this is the death of the marriage that you thought you had. You are mourning its loss and go through the same stages of grief that someone goes through after the loss of a loved one. Sorry, rage, confusion, etc. The affairs are not your fault, period. No matter what was going on in your marriage. He had other options. If you stay together, then later when trust is starting to improve, you both can deal with those issues.

Right now though, it is on you that the attention needs to be focused. It is easy to get sick. Not eat, not sleep, etc. Take care of yourself and come to the JFO forum and rant all you want. You have to let that anger out. Hugs and keep posting!

norabird posted 4/24/2014 23:09 PM

It's disorientating and confusing and yes, unfair, to have the rug ripped out from under you. To know your life has changed in a way you never asked for and that you can't go back, or put back together the illusions you had. But your appetite will come back. Your anger will be processed. Your life will keep moving and you DO get control now, in a way you were denied it when he chose to cheat and lie. You get to act on the truth now and that will make you strong.


It will get so, so much better. Right now really sucks, is all. And you just have to get through it. But, amazingly, you will.

[This message edited by norabird at 11:10 PM, April 24th (Thursday)]

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/24/2014 23:38 PM

WOW! You could have just written that post describing ME to a tea! My DDay was approx. 6 1/2 months ago and I STILL have those emotions, so often! Before DDay, I was NEVER an angry person and I sure didn't throw things or even throw fits, I didn't yell...none of that! (My WH affair happened 25 years ago and I just found out!) Imagine all the rage, resentment, hurt,sadness, etc...etc...But to give you some encouragement...even 6 1/2 months time HAS helped, not to mention HIS remorse, support, Willingness to talk about it (well, most of the time)and continued acts of love. My suggestion...don't make ANY rash decisions right away about divorce or even moving out...Give YOU some time to absorb, scream, cry, think, hurt...My prayers are for you and your family!

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/24/2014 23:55 PM

@ Kansas 1968...I've been reading a book on Infidelity and healing and it also describes it like unto the death of a loved one. I hadn't realized this before, but I worked for a hospice company for several years, so I was fully aware of the "steps" a grieving person goes through. Then it dawned on me...."I" was going through those very same steps and yes, I was grieving the loss of a marriage I thought I had years ago! There have even been times I've felt that death would have been easier to deal with..

Skan posted 4/25/2014 11:46 AM

Maybethistime, the pain absolutely will not always be like this. As you heal over time, it really will lessen. Honest. The thing is, that you have to put yourself in a position TO heal, and not in a position where the wound keeps getting re-opened and re-opened.

Sometimes you can do that with R. It's a long, and very hard road. IMO, with a serial adulterer and someone with the issues that your WH has, it can be a road of torture that might not end. If he doesn't do the work necessary to get himself healthy and sane, it probably won't end. But even if he came out of the psych ward with a completely different outlook on life and the utter determination to get better no matter what, that road is going to be horribly long.

Sometimes the best thing for you (and your children's) healing, is to separate/divorce. I divorced my first husband for financial/emotional infidelity and I got to a healthy place FAR faster than my R with my FWH. Far faster.

He is the one that shattered the vows between the two of you. You absolutely do not have to give him another chance. You can choose whatever is the most healthy action for you and for your children. (((hugs))) I'll be thinking of you today and sending strength your way.

tushnurse posted 4/25/2014 12:49 PM

Yup it's unfair as hell. So yell and scream and stomp your feet. Does it make you feel better? Great. Does it change one damn thing? Nope not really.

Use your anger productively use it to get some things done.

See A Dr for STD testing
See A Lawyer for figuring out your rights, his obligations and how to proceed from a purely financial point.
See your Dr. If you are unable to eat, then you need turn off that whole Fight or Flight response or turn it down a bit. This is normal, but without sound sleep, and good nutrition you cannot think clearly, or soundly, plus it makes keeping your emotions in check damn near impossible.

Right now you are in crisis mode. IT's really difficult, but know that as you focus on getting through one day at a time you will find that you are making it, getting stronger, smarter, and more capable than you ever imagined.

keep reading, keep posting.

((((and strength))))

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