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A Family Affair

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Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/24/2014 23:23 PM

I've just been lurking on this site for a while now, reading other's posts on various topics. Tonight I decided it was time to write my own, as I am in need of some direction and to find out if any others have experienced my same type of A. I am the BS and about 6 1/2 months ago, I found out that my husband of 36 years, had an affair 25 years ago with my brother's wife. (She also had an affair with my sister's husband approx. 5 years after my husband and her's).You can read more detail in my profile. Long story short, I found out that she had true feelings for my husband which probably started the day she met us, before she ever married my brother. My husband and I had been married approx.10 years when the A occurred and she knew from being in the family that we were having numerous problems in our marriage and I believe that gave her a way to "move in on him". Please know however, I understand and acknowledge that HE also chose to participate in this A! From the information since the Dday, I'm told she pretty much stalked him and that they were together sexually, two, maybe three times in about an 8 month span that she pursued him. I don't know how to even begin to describe the feelings of hurt, resentment (again, please read my profile for more detail), anger...well, you all already know all these feelings as a BS that I am still dealing with on a daily basis. I don't mean to undermine anyone else's situation, because an A is just the worst thing I think that your spouse could possibly put you through, but I'm having such a hard time dealing with this because our family can't seem to "get away from her". My brother and her have 3 children together, so of course that tie will always be there! In addition to the fact that she still is trying to hang on to family ties, even though she moved out of their home over a year ago. She says she will never divorce my brother and I believe it IS because she wants to hang on.(My husband is the one who broke it off with her back then and she was apparently VERY angry over it and wrote about it in a journal that she LET my brother find). She has been told several times since the disclosure of the A with my husband and my BIL that she is NO LONGER welcome or a part of this family anymore! Has anyone else dealt with a "Family A" or finding out about a Spouse's A as long as 25 years later? I am SO struggling with SO many issues here! Even if you haven't, I would appreciate any comments/thoughts/suggestions. Prayers for ALL who are dealing with the aftermath of an A! I would never have thought in a million years, I would ever be on a site like this! I'm hurt, sad, angry....

littleflower posted 4/25/2014 06:47 AM

Wow !
what a crazy situation, what a crazy crazy OW !

All I can offer is hugs

Please look after yourself
Get IC and MC

mchercheur posted 4/25/2014 07:17 AM

Welcome to SI. Sorry you had to find yourself here, but you will find a lot of comfort, help, support & knowledge here.

My mouth just dropped open reading your story. What kind of a person would behave the way your SIL has behaved?

I don't know if you have already checked them out, but maybe the "Double Betrayal" & the "For those who found out years later" threads in the "I Can Relate" forum will help you.

Sending you strength & hugs.

Furious1 posted 4/25/2014 07:52 AM

Family A? Yes. 25 years later? No. Just 18 years after it all started (didn't stop until after D-day six months ago.

I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks regardless of how long ago it was.

In my case, OW#4 was my sister (or should I call her OW#1 since their A started before we got married and she introduced me to him as a cover story she gave her BH when he caught WH at their apartment?).

In my case, my sister also slept with all three of her husband's brothers along with having so many affairs with so many other men that I could not even begin to count. I'm talking about dozens.

It sounds like your SIL/OW is just as toxic as my sister. While she might not divorce your brother, I do hope your brother will divorce her. There is no divorce that will remove my sister from my family. Thankfully, I have been disowned for rocking the boat so I no longer have to deal with them at all. I understand the frustration of not being able to get them out of your life. It is a big trigger for me as well.

I do hope your WH understands how devastating all of this is for you. I am glad that you realize that your WH is responsible for his betrayal of you and your marriage.

I don't have any real advice. Just wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from.

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/25/2014 09:54 AM

Thank you all for your words of encouragement. As you already helps SO much just to talk to others who are in your same (basic) situation. The OW is definitely crazy and beyond toxic! I don't think I mentioned earlier, but she has had numerous affairs after my husband and BIL. BTW...she is NO LONGER considered or called my SIL! It's sad, but I don't think my brother will divorce her either because their oldest son has told them that if either files for a divorce, they will no longer be in his little families life.(They have 2 of their grandchildren). I think this is a crock of crap but he feels he's basing this on scriptural teaching. I also don't think I mentioned that my brother has also had numerous affairs, so...they BOTH have problems and I believe did from day one of their marriage!If it means distancing myself from their three children and my brother in order to stay away from HER, that's what we will do. My WH and I have already discussed this! My WH IS very remorseful and has been a wonderful husband and dad for the past 25 years, so this makes it even harder at times to be so angry at him! But it's true, it doesn't matter how long it's been since it happened. In my mind and heart, it's just like it was yesterday! I have talked to people who knew about it back then and have been told my WH was very remorseful and a preacher who talked with him, told me that he had a very contrite heart over it and that he KNEW my WH was the one who broke it off with her. Honestly, I could not ask for someone who is trying as hard as possible to mend this and do whatever it takes to keep us together. He re

Trying2LoveAgain posted 4/25/2014 10:07 AM

OOPs! I hit the send button before I was through! Anyway...we are trying to R and for the most part, it's going well, but I do have some pretty bad "meltdowns" still! I am just so thankful I found this site! I wish I had found it sooner! I'm sure I will be using it quite often and not just for my own comfort, but I really want to be here for other's! I'm SO sorry for each of you who are going through this as well! I just never imagined I'd be here and what HELL an A can cause! My WH said that over the past 25 years as he had to think about what he'd done not only to me, our two sons and himself, he now realizes what all this has done to my side of the family! It has literally torn it apart. This saddens him greatly because he has always loved my family, was very close to my dad and thinks the world of my mother. At one point after the A, he was working out of town and said he got so depressed that he actually put a gun in his mouth, but could not go through with it. I truly think he has put himself through hell over this for years now. With God's help we (ALL of us here) will make it through! Prayers and HOPE for all!

Skan posted 4/25/2014 12:04 PM

Hi there. I'm so sorry that you had the reason to find us, but I'm SO happy that you did, so that we can help support you!

You have every right to be angry. Your WH stole 25 years from you. He took your right to knowledge about your marriage, you choice of staying or going early on, and tainted 25 years of memories. That's more than worth getting angry about. Let alone that he chose to have his affair with a family member who evidently will have to be buried in a split-legged coffin since she can't seem to keep her legs together. That brings two different levels of disgust for you.

It sounds like you're leaning towards R and that's great. I am fully R with my FWH. I do hope, however, that you can get some IC as well as MC for the two of you. I found it greatly helpful. Our MC and my FWHs IC were both ministers with degrees in counseling, and were just wonderful. It's really a great, great help to talk with a trained professional who has experience in infidelity. They can help you process and give you a safe place to vent, cry, and explore all of the emotions that are going to come up over the course of the next months, let alone years.

Please come back often for support. We're all here for you!

Trying2LoveAgain posted 5/1/2014 17:01 PM

Skan...Thank you so much for your understanding and encouraging words! Early on after D-day, I felt that some people had the attitude of "It happened 25 years ago, get over it already." As one who pretty much speaks what I'm thinking,I let them know that it did NOT make any difference how many years ago it happened. For me, it was just like yesterday! Some of my biggest hurdles are getting past the fact that yes, I WAS robbed of being able to make the decision whether to stay or leave 25 years ago, feeling I had been "forced" to be around her for the past 25 years and Yes, tainted memories of the past 25 years! There are many, many emotions involved with ANY A! We are trying to R, and he has been great thus far but I have let him know, it WILL be a long and hard road. He does admit that he was very selfish in his actions and I agree with him. As for "Her", well, let's just say...I'm glad I'm not in her shoes, because she has a lot she has to live with and will answer for in the end! And thanks for the "coffin" remark! You gave me a GREAT chuckle with that one! Blessings to you! :)

betrayedpregnant posted 5/3/2014 17:20 PM

sorry to read your story of betrayal. i dont know what to suggest. your situation is unique because the affair partner is part of your extended family.

betrayedpregnant posted 5/3/2014 17:22 PM

sorry to read your story of betrayal. i dont know what to suggest. your situation is unique because the affair partner is part of your extended family.

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