All I can offer is hugs
Please look after yourself
Get IC and MC
My mouth just dropped open reading your story. What kind of a person would behave the way your SIL has behaved?
I don't know if you have already checked them out, but maybe the "Double Betrayal" & the "For those who found out years later" threads in the "I Can Relate" forum will help you.
Sending you strength & hugs.
I am sorry you are going through this. It sucks regardless of how long ago it was.
In my case, OW#4 was my sister (or should I call her OW#1 since their A started before we got married and she introduced me to him as a cover story she gave her BH when he caught WH at their apartment?).
In my case, my sister also slept with all three of her husband's brothers along with having so many affairs with so many other men that I could not even begin to count. I'm talking about dozens.
It sounds like your SIL/OW is just as toxic as my sister. While she might not divorce your brother, I do hope your brother will divorce her. There is no divorce that will remove my sister from my family. Thankfully, I have been disowned for rocking the boat so I no longer have to deal with them at all. I understand the frustration of not being able to get them out of your life. It is a big trigger for me as well.
I do hope your WH understands how devastating all of this is for you. I am glad that you realize that your WH is responsible for his betrayal of you and your marriage.
I don't have any real advice. Just wanted to let you know I understand where you are coming from.
You have every right to be angry. Your WH stole 25 years from you. He took your right to knowledge about your marriage, you choice of staying or going early on, and tainted 25 years of memories. That's more than worth getting angry about. Let alone that he chose to have his affair with a family member who evidently will have to be buried in a split-legged coffin since she can't seem to keep her legs together. That brings two different levels of disgust for you.
It sounds like you're leaning towards R and that's great. I am fully R with my FWH. I do hope, however, that you can get some IC as well as MC for the two of you. I found it greatly helpful. Our MC and my FWHs IC were both ministers with degrees in counseling, and were just wonderful. It's really a great, great help to talk with a trained professional who has experience in infidelity. They can help you process and give you a safe place to vent, cry, and explore all of the emotions that are going to come up over the course of the next months, let alone years.
Please come back often for support. We're all here for you!
D-Day, June 10, 2012