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I go to Ic every other week. I am working through the book Getting Past Your Breakup. I am at the point of inventorying the different aspects of the relationship and STBXH.

While I have not written the "bad" things about relationship and STBXH they are swirling in my mind. Hopefully this weekend I will work on it. I know it will be emotional.

With more clarity than I had 2 years ago, I was not unconditionally loved (I don't think my DS is either) and while I loved and supported STBXH(I was his biggest cheerleader I was never supported.

One of the very big ah ha moments was when I realized he never cared or worried about us. I wanted to get life insurance (I was SAHM with a home based business. He said no, that he was going to be dead and we didn't need it! DS was about 4. Said if I really wanted it, I would have to pay for it. I made about $200/month, he mad $10,000/month. Ok, I get the life insurance. Then after a few months STBXH wanted the funds (if he died) go to DS. Not to me. I remember we got in a big argument over it. I told him if he wanted $ going directly to Ds, he could get his own policy.

So has a I go over all the selfish crap I still get upset. I still don't understand why I get upset that we are divorcing. Why I feel like I am missing out on our expected life together.

Why do I still want to cry? If I go back to my childhood, while I was ok, so far I can remember that my feelings were not validated. I was loved, but no unconditionally.

Why when I really start to think about the selfish NPD do I still feel like I was thrown away.

Within 3.5 months of D-Day STBXW was engaged and living with OW#3, not even the one that was discovered on Dday. How do figure out why this is still causing me so much pain. On paper I should be thrilled I am away from him. Apparently my heart does not read. Where can I explore to really get to the root of the problem. It can't just be what is going on now, somewhere in my past is making this worse.

(((Must Survive)))
I am having some similar realizations, don't have any answers but I hear you and I know we'll get through this

I don't necessarily think it has to be about the past though I applaud your doing he work to think about this. Just keep finding ways to build new meaning, validate yourself and look to the future and I know you can heal and learn to feel more free and healthy. I strongly recommend reading Living and Loving after Betrayal by Steven Stosny once you finish the current book.