I just need some support from outside people. I've never really done forums before. Also I am on iPhone so forgive the typing.
Beware! This is a doozie. And I'm about to throw my whole life story out there and be vulnerable.
Got married at 19. We dated on and off for five years ( through high school). Always thought we were soul mates bc we always came back to each other. Happy marriage for the first year or two. Both of us started getting into drinking too much and having crazy parties (he's military and all the military friends would come to our place and get wasted). Rarely had sex because I got really depressed. He cheated with this work girl a couple of times in I'm guessing summer 2012 (I don't really know the dates and I could be way off). He was at work on duty with no alcohol. He kept it from me till he found out I cheated in Oct 2013. Both As were just physical not emotional. The whole time between his A and mine our relationship was on the rocks and I wasn't sure I wanted to be with him. I didn't have a clue he had cheated on me but I felt something weird when he took me to the OWs house one time when she was threatening suicide. We were all drunk and I was ok with him helping out a friend but they were in the hallway and I could hear something going on like her trying to kiss him and he was like trying to not let her or something. But we were all drunk so I blew it off as her just liking him. I guess I was delusional. I dunno.
Here's more: after we stopped having sex for a while after his affair, the discussion was brought up about how he would let me have sex with a girl if I wanted to. Granted I never thought I wanted to do this and was really scared and nervous about it. I had made out with girls at like high school parties bc I thought it was cool and everybody else did ( I know dumb following the crowd) and I kindof thought it was hot too. So I met a girl online in the same situation as me (married and her husband let her sleep with other women) around feb 2013 and it happened. Never threesomes or anything just us. Later he told me he let that happen bc he felt guilty. I just thought it was bc he thought it was hot. I feel so dumb.
So I had a few "girlfriends" throughout the year 2013. I felt completely distant from my H and only thought about chasing girls and he didn't really care. He left for work for two weeks and one night when I was really drunk I slept with a mutual friend of ours, a guy (so to him this would be considered cheating. (I know being drunk is not an excuse and I had been drunk before and alone with other guys before and had not cheated. This time is was a conscious decision of mine). We hooked up a few more times after that.
He came back from work and a roommate told him something wrong so he confronted me with suspicions and I confirmed his suspicions. I then left bc I didn't think he would ever want to see me again and I was ashamed. For comfort, I called the same guy up to come to my hotel. H texted me and admitted what he had done to try to relieve my shame. Later he said he figured something like this would happen and he would tell me about his when it happened to me. I went back for a week or so and we talked about working things out. Then he left for two more weeks for work. I started talking to some guy online who really comforted me and we had an instant connection. Affair number 2 happened. Before H got back I told him I was leaving again. Packed my stuff in my car on 12-15-13 and stayed on a friends couch for two weeks. Then moved in with this new guy whom I now am really in love with and still live here.
H tried to get me back so hard. Saying "no one will ever love you as much as I do" and such.
I no longer see girls and have started believing in God again and going to church again.
I tried to leave my current bf twice already and possibly go back to my H bc of reoccurring feelings for my H. But then I miss my BF dearly and I think about how my H and I hurt each other so much and how he lied to me for so long.
I am depressed so much (I've always delt with depression and major anxiety though). I feel like a worthless failure at life. My bf says he loves me and wants to get married and I think he worries that me and H will get back together. And maybe he is right to worry ab that. H and I can't agree on a separation agreement bc he says I left and I'm just trying to screw him over with money things. But I really can't afford anything which Is why I moved in with my Bf so quickly. Basically I have no place to live except with my bf or leave my state and job and return home to my parents Ekkkk.
H recently got a GF after chasing after me for months and I admit I am really jealous.
I just don't know what to do with my life. Please don't judge me harshly. But I would like advice or support.
Thanks in advance
