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Maybe he was just my "soul friend"

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TattoodChinaDoll posted 4/25/2014 00:12 AM

I've said this to WH a number of times through out all of this. We can make each other laugh like no other. We share the same interests and the same views in most things...well except...ya know. We make a great team and work well together...well...except...ya know. But the important things that make someone more than a friend...I don't think we have. He did things for OW that he never did for me. He was willing to sacrifice for her without a fight. He said right to her that if I knew what was going on that I would divorce him. He was willing to sacrifice our family to make her feel wonderful. I have to fight for him to not hurt me. I think we should have been really good friends but not husband and wife. It really hurts because I thought all those things about us that make it seem like we are soul mates and just belong together, really means nothing. I feel like OW and WH must really belong together because of what he was willing to do to me for her. Then I think what if there was someone out there who could be like him in the things that make us great friends and also have that something special that would make us soul mates and who would never even think of hurting me like WH. But that makes me feel like a wayward. Well...I got my dog.

[This message edited by TattoodChinaDoll at 12:14 AM, April 25th (Friday)]

timidhope posted 4/25/2014 00:24 AM

After being the OW, I can tell you from my perspective, the OW is rarely (as in winning the lottery chances) the person your WSO loves. If he truly cared for her that much and was seriously willing to have you divorce him (note, he wasn't willing to divorce you for her), he would have done so to be with her legitimately.

I truly believe it's rare for there to be love and affection between the AP's, more like selfish lust and self-entitlement.

[This message edited by timidhope at 1:14 AM, April 25th (Friday)]

Vulcanized posted 4/25/2014 05:22 AM

Then I think what if there was someone out there who could be like him in the things that make us great friends and also have that something special that would make us soul mates and who would never even think of hurting me like WH. But that makes me feel like a wayward.

It sounds like maybe this is a deal-breaker for you. And if it is, that is ok. I think there is nothing WW in your thinking about what your H inflicted on you, your M & your DD's lives.

(((TCD))

justinpaintoday posted 4/25/2014 05:34 AM

I think 2 things

1) WH is delfecting and denying. Becuase of that he is placing unrealistic emotional bonds with OW. How else could he justify his actions. Admitting that he was throwing away everything for something that "wasn't amazing" would be a reality check that his brain couldn;t handle.

2) All shimny new toys are pretty and fun to play with. As life continues the cracks will show.

TattoodChinaDoll posted 4/25/2014 07:41 AM

Before it all really happened I would have said hell yes, infidelity is a deal breaker. Now I can pretty much say for certain that it would have taken me a long time to heal and that I know I'd have my back and forth moments about the infidelity itself. But I would have been able to live with it. What makes it a deal breaker is his treatment of me afterwards. I don't know how many time we've told waywards that. That most of the time it's not the infidelity that ends the marriage but what happens after. I think it's fear that let's this happen to me the most. Like fear that if I leave that one day I might find someone who would never hurt me like this but wouldn't have that connection WH and I do on that "soul friend" level. And then I'm mad at myself for thinking about it...that, that shouldn't be one of the first things on my mind.

atsenaotie posted 4/25/2014 08:06 AM

Then I think what if there was someone out there who could be like him in the things that make us great friends and also have that something special that would make us soul mates and ...

...I would have been able to live with it. What makes it a deal breaker is his treatment of me afterwards.

I hear you TCD, but for me it is not fear that keeps the status quo, but I am just too deep into the M right now. Leaving would cause so much collateral damage to my family that at this point that I stay in a M that is not bad. In my mind the potential benefits of being D from FWW do not outweigh the impact to the rest of our family. All that I can suggest to you is to shrink the role and importance of your M and relationship to TTMU in your life and put your energy into growing and expanding your life with your children, your friends, your interests (and your dog). At some point the time will be right and you will know.

tushnurse posted 4/25/2014 08:16 AM

Here is the thing TCD.
You are so focused on the what ifs, and the future, and possibly never having that bond again, that you are missing the forest for the trees.

What about YOU????
Why isn't you being stong, healthy, and happy all on your own a priority? You have to make you well. You have to learn to not need another person to find your true level of content, and happiness in the world. Once you do this the rest all falls into place. You don't need another for it, and if one happens to come along, and is great then you are able to have them fully, but if they aren't so great you know that you are fine alone, and can send them packing.

THIS is TRULY healing ones self from this shit. When you do this, life becomes much better.

TheThreeYearFool posted 4/25/2014 12:09 PM

TCD,

Can I make a small adjustment to something you wrote?

I feel like OW and WH must really belong together because of what he was willing to do to me for her.

It wasn't for her sake that he hurt you. He was willing to do those things to you for himself.

He wasn't willing to sacrifice for some great love that's meant to be. He was willing to sacrifice for ego kibbles. The OW was just there and willing to provide them.

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