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Today is my anniversary

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krispy47 posted 4/25/2014 05:38 AM

This is not a question, and doesn't even really need a response. I just need to put it out there and know someone read it.

Today is/would have been my 22nd anniversary. 22 years ago today I married my best friend and my lover. We stood before our families and friends and promised to be open and honest, to make our home a place of acceptance and unconditional love, to be faithful and forgiving, and to cherish each other in all circumstances for as long as we both lived.

I kept those promises for 22 years. He kept them for 7, and then spent the next 15 years fucking 10 other people and lying to me about it.

Yesterday, I tried to ask him about the very first time he cheated -- whether he felt guilty, how he could bring himself to do something he knew would kill me -- and he claimed he couldn't remember it. An event that would have been seared into the memory of a normal person was apparently so insignificant to him that it no longer registers.

Last night I got so angry that I repeatedly hit WH. Later I got so depressed that I sat in the car with a bottle of vodka and pills trying to work up the courage to swallow them. I didn't only because my boys need me. I am in more pain today than I have been since DDay seven weeks ago, and maybe even more than that, since I have no numbness to protect me any more.

I have no idea how I am going to make it through this day.

jjct posted 4/25/2014 05:48 AM

Read it.
You're hurting, in a bad place.
You know something?
You have the power to get off the rollercoaster.

byefornow posted 4/25/2014 06:06 AM

This made me cry this morning.
The way you will get through today is breathe. just breathe and understand with each breath another minute, second, hour has gone by.
Please stay away from the alcohol today. I have done that too many times, tears streaming down my face and a bottle in the other hand. Praying that something will take this incredible pain away. It never does.
Only time will. and another day.

You have my prayers today and my hugs {{{{krispy}}}} I know today will suck. and you need to just say 'today sucks' out loud and keep breathing.

Let the tears flow and cleanse you.

Tomorrow will be easier

I am so sorry for your pain. I have felt what you are feeling and my heart aches for you.

atsenaotie posted 4/25/2014 07:53 AM

krispy47, just to let you know that another read. I remember those feelings, I remeber those thoughts. I can tell you to day that I am so much better off than I was then, but I just could not see it then.

jjct is right, you have the power. It is hard, but necessary to separate yourself from your WH's actions. The most important thing my IC said, that SI told me, and that books I read reinterated was that the FWW's A was not about me. Your WH's A was not about you.

Is there something that you and your youngest can do together this weekend?

StillStanding1 posted 4/25/2014 08:02 AM

I am so sorry for all your pain. You made the right decision not to take those pills. Your boys DO need you and you have many reasons to live. Muster up every bit of courage you have right now to get through this day, minute by minute, if you have to. Your life WILL eventually get better. You will be okay!

Please seek some support or help IRL from a friend, counselor, or family member. Lean on them until you feel stronger. Keep posting here. We will hold you up, too!

devasted30 posted 4/25/2014 08:29 AM

I have read this too.
There are a lot of similarities in our stories. My WS was fascinated with BDSM too and that set him on a path for several years of cheating. I know how betrayed you feel. I know how unbearable the pain is. I know how devastating all of this is. But, I also know that you will start to feel better. That there will be minutes, then hours and then days where this is not all-consuming. I am only at the "minutes" stage myself, but I do believe what everyone says here and we will get through this. Do something just for yourself today. Take a nice warm bubble bath or have a manicure or have lunch with a friend. Try to take your mind off of everything for just a few minutes. This day now is just like any other day of the year. There is nothing that will ever be special about it again. Try to forget what it use to signify and make it just be a very, very ordinary day. You are special and just bc your WS is broken, do not allow him to break you. You will make it through this. You will!!!!

mchercheur posted 4/25/2014 08:43 AM

Wedding anniversaries are very difficult after infidelity---ours was a few days ago, & I had a rough time with it, almost 3 years out. To me, the other day that is also very difficult is the Antiversary of DDay---the anniversary of the day that our lives blew up.
Yes, we BSs struggle with those 2 days for a few years. Believe me, I so know how you feel.

It really really does get better with time. Please take hope from those who are further down the road.
Our Wedding Anniversary was a trigger for sure, but I am not in pain 24/7 anymore. I do think of it every day, but more & more it is becoming just part of our history, something that happened.

Your profile says that your WH wants to R. Tell him what you are feeling. He needs to carry you thru this. Has he read "The Lifeboat" thread in the Wayward Forum? someone just bumped it again yesterday---its on the bottom of the first page right now.
Also, has he read "things every WS needs to know" in the WW forum? I just bumped it for you now.
The third thing he needs to read is the book (it's very short & concise) "How to help your spouse heal from your affair" by Linda J. MacDonald. That book turned things around for my WH----the message in all three of these is that BS healing is dependent on the WS.

Sending you strength & hugs

justinpaintoday posted 4/25/2014 08:56 AM

Krispy: I am praying for you. Today you are not a victim. You are a survivor. He tried to destroy you with his actions but you know what? Your a fighter and your boys see that strength. We all believe in you. Just breathe today. That's your only goal.

Merlin posted 4/25/2014 09:03 AM


Your pain is fresh and deep.

I promise you that as time passes and you regain control of your life, that it gets better.

I am coming up on six years out from the affair that destroyed my marriage and family and three years from the divorce decree.

What would have been our later 20-something anniversary passed a little earlier this year. I didn't recall or remember that until several days later. And only in passing.

Peace & strength.

doggiediva posted 4/25/2014 09:45 AM

I wish you peace and strength too..
Time will definitely make the pain fade in a way that alcohol or pills can't come close to doing..
With successful R and time, your pain will fade into a bad memory, it won't be at the forefront of your life..
With unsuccessful R ( due to lack of remorse felt or expressed by WS), you will eventually reach a point where your pain will be replaced by indifference..
Regaining control of you life in either situation will do a lot to make you feel better..

[This message edited by doggiediva at 9:46 AM, April 25th (Friday)]

Razor posted 4/25/2014 09:51 AM

whether he felt guilty, how he could bring himself to do something he knew would kill me -- and he claimed he couldn't remember it

Sadly the *I dont remember* thing is pretty common. There is some debate on whether or not a WS actually does forget something like this. Some say the WS is traumatized by their own act and so they forget it. I dont believe that though. I think my WW remembers everything but for reasons of her own doesnt want to tell me.

A couple of other things.

First. Dont hit your husband. It doesnt matter that you are smaller and weaker than he is. Hitting is still abuse. Dont do that.

Second and most important.
All of us here know the pain you are feeling because we have felt it ourself. It seems to be more than you can possibly bear. A weight dropped on you that you can not possibly carry. A burden so great that it crushes you into the earth.

The thing is though that you are stronger than you think you are. All of us felt that weight and all of us felt that we could not bear it. But we did. Somehow I managed to continue on. It took working hard to just continue existing from one moment to the next. Feeling like I was going to die. Like I could not breathe. But I found I could take just one more breath. And then another. And another.

If you have a close friend that will listen that you can talk to. Please contact them. Reach out to anyone that might give you support. And you have SI. Vent and talk here as much as you need. Everyone hear understands in a way that no one else can because we have all felt exactly what you are feeling now.

TheThreeYearFool posted 4/25/2014 11:18 AM


As a BW dealing with an LTA, I know your pain. I saw in your profile that you were looking into IC. Have you been able to start going?

Before D-Day I had nothing against IC but figured it wasn't for me. Even after I resisted, until I found myself spending an entire day basically unable to leave my bed because I was so miserable.

IC and AD's have helped me get to the point where I can make it through the day. I encourage you to get the help you need.

Sending you strength.

krispy47 posted 4/25/2014 13:27 PM

I saw in your profile that you were looking into IC. Have you been able to start going?

Yes, IC has been very valuable! I'm also taking antidepressants, which work to dull the pain most of the time but can't block out the trauma altogether. Last night was just too much...

I've cried like a crazy person today, but am stable right now. Here's hoping the catharsis is out of my system.

norabird posted 4/25/2014 14:47 PM


Please drain the vodka down the sink and flush the pills, too. Not only do your boys need you but the rest of your life is beckoning. I'm so sorry for your pain today but look at it this way--it's another thing you'll have made it past, another milestone. You're still here. You can make it past many more milestones, and you will.

needadvise posted 4/25/2014 21:37 PM

Our stories and pain are very similar. My H also slept w 10 different women. The only different is he had done it throughout our entire 19 years of marriage. He's also had every type of affair there is. Just want to let you know you are not alone. I also have had and still have suicidal thoughts, unbearable pain, depression, and cry for days upon days. While working out of town he had a gf for 4 months telling her he loved her and wanted to leave his wife and kids for her. I was and am very devastated. I know the pain is so unbearable that you just want to leave this world. I joined this site today and it is a good site very helpful. I'm glad I found it. 1 of his sexual partners that he screwed a few times had the nerve to tell me that cancer should have taken my life and sometimes I wished that would have been how it was. There are alot of mean and nasty people out there. You and I are not one of them. Give yourself time. Don't do something to make life easy for him or them. Stay strong and know ur not alone. I'm here feeling the sane pain.

JT4588 posted 4/25/2014 22:32 PM

krispy, my heart breaks for you. I cannot imagine the pain you must be feeling. I know my own pain is but a fraction of what so many others feel here. So, tonight I am going to set aside my own pain and try to bear your pain for you. I pray that somehow through the miracles of Heaven I can carry that pain for you and that you will have some peace. Hang tough, krispy. You did nothing to deserve what your husband has done. Now and in the end, he will have to answer for it and you will know that you honored vows that were sacred - you will be blameless for what transpired. Just be strong, know you are loved by everyone here, and that I am praying for you.

marionwendy posted 4/25/2014 23:15 PM

I read it.... Im so sorry 8 months ago I found out about WHs ONS and our 21st anniversary was 5 days later. I get it Ive been where you are, some days I think Im still there. You are not alone we are all here to support one another and right now we will support you, hold you up help you through. Hugs to you. It really will get better xo

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