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This really helped me so I thought I'd share

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Daisy312 posted 4/25/2014 07:34 AM

So, my fwh's a lasted 7 months with constant texting. There were no real phone Calls or long talks. My FWH swears that he didn't like ow, or find her attractive, that she was simply an ego boost. The problem though is when I'd look at phone records and they would text all day long. So I was telling my ic how it's hard for me to accept that he didn't have feelings for her when I see how much time he invested in the texting of her. This was her explanation.
Texting is often like a vending machine. You but your money in and you get a reward, the snack you wanted. So FWH would text her and he would get the ego boost that she would respond. Each text would equal a little excitement that the ow was into him, thinking of him, complimenting him, spending her time on him. Also, with texting, you can read it in any voice you want and make it more important than it was. For example; what are you doing could be read as I'm thinking about you, and want to know what you are doing, your so important, interesting, etc...It's addictive.
So, this helped me a ton! Hope it helps some of you in a similar situation.

NoGoodUsername posted 4/25/2014 09:49 AM

The latest app for your smartphone: an ego kibble dispenser that also stimulates your intermittent reward system and seeking behavior. As though email and forum posts aren't trouble enough, texting turns you into a lab rat banging away on the feeder bar.
That sure makes everyone's affairs seem special, doesn't it?

RidingHealingRd posted 4/26/2014 23:01 PM

I have no idea how much texting went on since both used company phones and I had no access to those records. I can only imagine that, like most, texting was extensive.
I appreciate you sharing the thoughts of your IC. It makes sense of the senseless. Thank you.

n0tm3 posted 4/27/2014 01:44 AM

It does help. They text night and day. Even sometimes after we had sex [I thought it was making love]. Even with me in bed next to him.

n0tm3 posted 4/27/2014 01:44 AM

It does help. They text night and day. Even sometimes after we had sex [I thought it was making love]. Even with me in bed next to him.

Scubachick posted 4/27/2014 05:40 AM

My husband swears he wasn't attracted to the OW or have feelings for her and yet he would text her 150 + times a day and as late as 4am. I don't believe him either. One month he texted her 1400 times and texted me 64. If only he wasn't so attracted to me and had so many feelings for me, he would have texted me more.

Mac4 posted 4/27/2014 06:10 AM

Thank you for your post. My wife's affair began with texts and that helps.

lovedmesomehim posted 4/27/2014 11:28 AM

Okay, Daisy. I thank you for this tidbit. It does make sense and I suppose I knew it all along. I still didn't know what to do with my hurt over it all.

My husband is dyslexic, so the texts were simple and only one or two words.

Example:"Want to F___?"


So yes, my rational and integrity bound self knows that what they texted all day were tawdry ego boosts for each other.

Sigh. I don't even know who that guy was.


Lovedmesomehim

sunvalley posted 4/27/2014 18:45 PM

I agree whole heartedly with this message! My WH also was not attracted to any of the OW and I am confident this is true in his case. He also messaged them repeatedly throughout the day. Why? He says most of his validation and ego boosting came from the texts. In person it was awkward, no one had the guts to say what they could when they were hiding behind a computer screen or their cell phone. He wasn't after the sex so much as the ego boosting, so for him the messaging was more of an addiction than meeting them in person. I feel the constant messaging is more self serving for the WS than it is to benefit the OP who the WS possibly has "feelings" for, but I struggled with worrying that was the case at first too. For me (thinking as a BS who has always been faithful), I think I would message someone constantly only if that OP mattered to me, ie emotions/feelings. But for a WS who has low self esteem, I would say that the OP was irrelevant and it was WHAT they were giving more than WHO was giving it that the WS was after. If a WS feels like they can do nothing right, an OP is there to provide a perfect pedestal for the WS to climb up onto.

LovelyDaffodils posted 4/27/2014 19:08 PM

I brought this up with WH. He says "yeah, I don't even read SI and I could have told you that"

I just find this concept hard to get. I don't need that validation. I don't need to think that anyone is thinking of me, Or even want people thinking of me really. He doesn't think that is healthy
So I wonder, if I don't really care if anyone is thinking of me, is that unhealthy? I mean of course, when I am interacting with someone, I don't expect to be ignored, but I don't really wish that anyone -other than the one that is supposed be my loving spouse- has me in their thoughts much of the day. I mean, everyone has their own lives. I'm not worried that I don't take up a lot of their thoughts. It is not something that I "need"

I'm working out a future post discussing needs. There have been a lot of posts about what people need from a spouse, etc. I struggle with the fact that maybe if I don't have certain needs, I don't recognize the needs of others and WH's.
IMO, wants and needs are different. What do we need to survive-the very basics of life and what are actually wants or "nice to haves" to make life easier/more enjoyable.

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