But, now I'm trying to change. I want to have more intimate relationships, real friendships with strong roots. And, I have chosen to stay married to a man who hurt me more than any other human being has in my life. Every ounce of me has wanted to leave him since Dday. We have small children so I forced myself to give R a try. Then we had a surprise pregnancy, which turned out to be high risk and difficult, then we had a newborn and two other children under the age of 6; and time has just clicked on. Being too busy to deal with my feelings (or get in trouble) has been another coping mechanism I've fallen back on. Recognizing this, I have purposefully scaled back my plans to return to work, and forced myself to put my healing front and center.
The big problem here is that I am seriously fighting myself every single day. Every time my WH does anything problematic, I am immediately in flight mode; and it is incredibly stressful to go against that. I think through divorce, and I don't think it is what I really want. God, I'm just so tired. Tired of questioning myself and my motivations, tired of being sad, tired of R; but none of this goes away if I divorce.
Is anyone else going through this? Does this even make any sense? I'm headed back into IC, and I speak candidly to my WH about it; but it would be nice to hear from someone who is going through it. Thanks.
Tired of questioning myself and my motivations, tired of being sad, tired of R
I'm constantly second-guessing my decision to stay. My biggest fear is that I'll stay and a year later will find myself feeling exactly the same way as I do right now. What a waste that would be.
Every time my WH does anything problematic, I am immediately in flight mode
Anyway, I know how you're feeling. It sucks.
I don't know exactly what I need to want to stay married. Thus, I am stuck.
He tries to do nice things for me every day and has really stepped it up in terms of being a helpful dad and spouse. He is very much a changed man in that respect. But, these fall under the category of things he should have been doing anyway
Oh, Althea, we are one and the same. My worry is whether or not he really is a changed man or if it's all an act of desperation that will eventually fall by the wayside. I feel stuck too.
I'm trying to change. I want to have more intimate relationships, real friendships with strong roots. And, I have chosen to stay married to a man who hurt me more than any other human being has in my life. Every ounce of me has wanted to leave him since Dday
I can relate to this as well. I also don't know what I need to feel better...wh is doing everything he can. Deep down I feel like the only thing I need is for him not to have had sex with someone else, that's the one thing he can't do...so I feel stuck. I can't get over it but I don't want to leave him but I can't get over it....
Each day that I come onto this site there is a post that speaks directly to me. Just today I was thinking about divorce; again. No matter what happens, I still need to continue making progress.
Both feet pointed forward; positive
I talked to WH again about the feeling of being so, so tired. I realized as we were talking that it had been several weeks since we had done any reading or talking about FOO issues, which have and continue to be a big problem in our relationship. I felt disconnected, and it brought up the fears that led me down the road of questioning whether I can trust the changes he is making and questioning whether I really want to be married to someone who I feel this way about.
We read together tonight and talked and I feel more at peace. Less tormented. I think getting in to meet new IC's next week will help too.
jj21, I felt a lot of those same feelings regarding fear that the change wouldn't stick. Or worse that the changes would stick, but that a year later I would still feel just as conflicted about the marriage. Don't get me wrong, I still feel conflict as is evidenced by this post; but it is better. I just keep looking for the forward progress...
Angel177 It just sucks. I just hold on to the hope that time will make it easier. It is just so hard feeling stuck in the in-between.
Hopefull77, that sounds like a moment worth clinging to. I struggle with that. Just a few days ago we had a beautiful weekend vacation with the kids, and I was so wrapped up in how disconnected I felt that I feel like I didn't appreciate the truly beautiful moments.
No matter what happens, I still need to continue making progress.
Stressful is a nice way of putting it! I think R is a different road for everyone who travels on it.
Some days are bad, and some are (surprisingly) good.
I really relate to you going into "flight mode" whenever your WH does anything problematic.
I think R is so scary and uncertain that (at least for me) whenever it doesn't seem to be going the way I think it should, or my WBF doesn't do what I expect of him, I immediately start to think of leaving...or that I'm making a mistake by giving him the gift of R.
Its stressful. And quite honestly, its awful.
But something keeps me here. I try to just take it one day at a time. I try not to think of next week, next month or next year. I just focus on getting through today. And then I wake up and do it all over again.
I'm sorry you are in pain. I'm sending you strength tonight.
Together 8 years
DDay: June 24, 2013
Wish it weren't the case for any of us on here- so sorry 😔
[This message edited by itstoomuch at 12:45 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Relax, everything’s out of control” – Adi Da Samraj
Changing oneself is really a gift to ourself because we get to be a better person no matter which path we ultimately choose.
My children also factor into my decision to stay and work on the relationship. Though at some point in time I will do what is best for me. To me trying diligently to R for a few years is okay. That's probably my age speaking as well as a little trepidation for the financial gutting I will experience if we actually D.
not stressful at all - but I am just starting the third year. what it is now - sad.
[This message edited by Loyaltoafault at 5:56 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]
He is doing what he can, in his own way, and it's up to me to accept that's all he can offer.
Really just want to get it under control
WH talked me off the cliff a few nights
but it seems like this replays for me every few months
I just want to live a real life and not wait for the merry go round to stop
It's so sad that we are all going through this.
Having 3 kids under 6 is hugely tiring and stressful also. Have you built in time just for you? and for you and FWH? It seems a cliche, but is so important.