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6 years later, a deal breaker

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slicerboy posted 4/25/2014 13:51 PM

6 years of reconcilation with some ups and downs, but I've had enough. I asked her for a divorce. Lots of emotions running though my mind. but i think this is the best decision for me as there is no we in our marriage and I find myself being the doormat once again.

IWantDoOver posted 4/25/2014 14:24 PM

I've been where you are now ... and (as my signature line promises) there is Peace in your future.


nowiknow23 posted 4/25/2014 14:34 PM

((((slicerboy)))) I'm sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped. Welcome to D/S. This is a very supportive and fierce family you're joining. We've got your back.

Williesmom posted 4/25/2014 14:38 PM

Welcome to D/S. It took me 2 years after D-day #1 to get to that point. Sometimes, you just know.

For me, when I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with him, I knew that it was time to begin that life alone.

It's a hard road, but can be very fulfilling.

Lean on us.

PhoenixRising88 posted 4/25/2014 14:43 PM

What Williesmom said, word for word.

My D-day #1 was 12/22/11; I moved out and filed Thanskgiving weekend 2013. Sometimes there's just no fixing it no matter how much you try and want to, and you just have to finally let go for your own sake.

We've got you. You're not alone.

slicerboy posted 4/25/2014 15:47 PM

Thanks for the quick replies... I started researching the divorce process and the filing paperwork is dozens of pages long. Yikes!

nowiknow23 posted 4/25/2014 15:59 PM

You know how to eat an elephant, right? Same theory applies in divorce. Take it one bite at a time, hon.

Dreamboat posted 4/25/2014 16:54 PM

And the only timeline you need to follow is your own timeline (except for mandatory waiting times). Move as quickly or as slowly as works for YOU at any given moment.

PurpleRose posted 4/25/2014 17:25 PM

You will get through it. Yes, it can be a bumpy ride, but the payoff is that you no longer live in limbo, with a WS, or always looking over your shoulder for the next Dday!

trustagain posted 4/25/2014 18:26 PM

I was going to post the same thing today. It has been five years for me and I am in the same shoes. We to reconciled, but my marriage just isn't the same.

I hope you find peace within yourself.

Jrazz posted 4/25/2014 18:58 PM

That's a lot of work - I'm so sorry that reconciliation never took hold.

I'm only three years out but finding myself in a similar bucket right now.

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

We're here for you.


slicerboy posted 4/25/2014 23:27 PM

I did catch myself daydreaming about not having to verify her actions anymore... that made me smile

deena posted 4/25/2014 23:55 PM

Welcome slicerboy

I too have recently called it quits.
It is just over 4 years for me since dday, longer with suspicions.
I just couldn't try anymore by myself.

And yes, people here will help you out.

thebighurt posted 4/26/2014 00:12 AM

I'm sorry you find yourself in a M you cannot continue. I feel sad that so many years of trying ended this way and also that others responded feeling the same.

By the same token, you have found one silver lining already. Keep that frame of mind. You sound strong in your decision. Eat that elephant.


(I just have to note that THAT name could strike fear in many people if it were 'slicerGIRL'.) (Sorry, I'm bad, I know, 2x4 me. I apologize but the devil made me do it!)

stronger08 posted 4/26/2014 04:44 AM

As much as the D process sucks, it sure beats the alternative. 6 years is a long time to be suffering. I sure hope it wasn't all bad. But good for you my man.

nekorb posted 4/26/2014 06:44 AM

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

Wow.. That sums up perfectly how I felt when I started taking steps to detach.


I've had to focus on the most ridiculous things to help me find a bright side in this. More room in the closet. Extra drawer space in the bathroom. No clutter in the storage room.

I'm sorry R didn't work. No matter what, I always think it's sad on some level when a marriage ends. It's the death of dreams.

tryingagain74 posted 4/26/2014 08:05 AM

It sounds like you truly gave it your best shot. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

Welcome to D/S. It's a great board that is super helpful.

SBB posted 4/26/2014 08:07 AM

We all reach DONE at different times for different reasons - the good news is once you reach it it sticks.

Be gentle with yourself. I found the disappointment all consuming after only a 3m False R.

I saw a great quote here once: "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

Remember what you deserve.

slicerboy posted 4/26/2014 14:05 PM

So we talked a lot last night about ending our marriage. Lots of the discussion seemed like reconciliation. Is this normal? Maybe today is a fresh start to a real R and not false R? I don't like to think the last 6 years have been entirely false R, it's just the WS behavior continues so she just hasn't been truly remorseful. I don't know what to think.

SBB posted 4/26/2014 17:13 PM

I don't know what behaviour you're talking about but if she isn't changing behaviour and you've made it clear that it is a dealbreaker then it sounds like there has been some rugsweeping going on on both sides in order to continue R.

The sucking back in when you're on your last straw is called Hoovering and it is very normal. Not healthy but normal.

I suggest you read everything in The Healing Library - especially these articles:

The Role of the WS and Achieving Healing

Important Truths about R

Guilt vs Remorse


[This message edited by SBB at 5:14 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]

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