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Newest Member: Sunflower96

Divorce/Separation :
6 years later, a deal breaker

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 slicerboy (original poster member #22202) posted at 7:51 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

6 years of reconcilation with some ups and downs, but I've had enough. I asked her for a divorce. Lots of emotions running though my mind. but i think this is the best decision for me as there is no we in our marriage and I find myself being the doormat once again.

Me: New beginnings
Her: Left her family without a plan

Two children, innocent victims (15 & 17)

Married March 1996
Divorced January 2016

posts: 824   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2008   ·   location: Minneapolis
id 6773822
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IWantDoOver ( member #39440) posted at 8:24 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

I've been where you are now ... and (as my signature line promises) there is Peace in your future.

((((slicerboy))))

Peace

posts: 221   ·   registered: Jun. 4th, 2013
id 6773869
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 8:34 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

((((slicerboy)))) I'm sorry things did not turn out as you had hoped. Welcome to D/S. This is a very supportive and fierce family you're joining. We've got your back.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6773876
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Williesmom ( member #22870) posted at 8:38 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

Welcome to D/S. It took me 2 years after D-day #1 to get to that point. Sometimes, you just know.

For me, when I would rather spend the rest of my life alone than with him, I knew that it was time to begin that life alone.

It's a hard road, but can be very fulfilling.

Lean on us.

You can stuff your sorries in a sack, mister. -George Costanza
There is a special place in hell for women who don't help other women. - Madeleine Albright

posts: 9299   ·   registered: Feb. 15th, 2009   ·   location: Western PA
id 6773882
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PhoenixRising88 ( member #35214) posted at 8:43 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

What Williesmom said, word for word.

My D-day #1 was 12/22/11; I moved out and filed Thanskgiving weekend 2013. Sometimes there's just no fixing it no matter how much you try and want to, and you just have to finally let go for your own sake.

We've got you. You're not alone.

Me: BS(45)Him: EX, aka "The Dink"(52). D-Day#1 12/22/11. D-Day#2 5/23/13. Divorced 1/10/14.

New chapter of my life- married 11/13/15 to the man I'd thought I would never find.

Throw me to the wolves and I'll return leading the pack.

posts: 443   ·   registered: Apr. 2nd, 2012   ·   location: North Texas
id 6773897
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 slicerboy (original poster member #22202) posted at 9:47 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

Thanks for the quick replies... I started researching the divorce process and the filing paperwork is dozens of pages long. Yikes!

Me: New beginnings
Her: Left her family without a plan

Two children, innocent victims (15 & 17)

Married March 1996
Divorced January 2016

posts: 824   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2008   ·   location: Minneapolis
id 6773977
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nowiknow23 ( member #33226) posted at 9:59 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

You know how to eat an elephant, right? Same theory applies in divorce. Take it one bite at a time, hon.

You can call me NIK

And never grow a wishbone, daughter, where your backbone ought to be.
― Sarah McMane

posts: 40250   ·   registered: Aug. 29th, 2011
id 6773987
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Dreamboat ( member #10506) posted at 10:54 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

And the only timeline you need to follow is your own timeline (except for mandatory waiting times). Move as quickly or as slowly as works for YOU at any given moment.

And it's hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off
-- Shake It Out, Florence And The Machine

posts: 17695   ·   registered: Apr. 25th, 2006   ·   location: A better place :)
id 6774054
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PurpleRose ( member #33129) posted at 11:25 PM on Friday, April 25th, 2014

You will get through it. Yes, it can be a bumpy ride, but the payoff is that you no longer live in limbo, with a WS, or always looking over your shoulder for the next Dday!

divorced the Dooosh 8/13
*****************************
Dance like nobody is watching,
Text and email like it will be used in court someday...

posts: 3871   ·   registered: Aug. 17th, 2011   ·   location: Happyville
id 6774103
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trustagain ( member #16921) posted at 12:26 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

I was going to post the same thing today. It has been five years for me and I am in the same shoes. We to reconciled, but my marriage just isn't the same.

I hope you find peace within yourself.

WH - 55
BS (me) - 57
Son - 31
Son - 24
Dday #1 - 10/31/07
Dday #2 - 12/23/07
Dday #1,000,000 - 12/23/09 - found out EA was PA
Dday Again - 13 years later....

posts: 4478   ·   registered: Nov. 7th, 2007
id 6774172
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Jrazz ( member #31349) posted at 12:58 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

That's a lot of work - I'm so sorry that reconciliation never took hold.

I'm only three years out but finding myself in a similar bucket right now.

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

We're here for you.

(((slicerboy)))

"Don't give up, the beginning is always the hardest." - Deeply Scared's mom

posts: 29076   ·   registered: Feb. 28th, 2011   ·   location: California
id 6774200
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 slicerboy (original poster member #22202) posted at 5:27 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

I did catch myself daydreaming about not having to verify her actions anymore... that made me smile

Me: New beginnings
Her: Left her family without a plan

Two children, innocent victims (15 & 17)

Married March 1996
Divorced January 2016

posts: 824   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2008   ·   location: Minneapolis
id 6774446
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deena ( member #27275) posted at 5:55 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

Welcome slicerboy

I too have recently called it quits.

It is just over 4 years for me since dday, longer with suspicions.

I just couldn't try anymore by myself.

And yes, people here will help you out.

Relationships are like glass. Sometimes it's
better to leave them broken than to hurt
yourself putting it back together.



posts: 3268   ·   registered: Jan. 18th, 2010   ·   location: Canada
id 6774469
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thebighurt ( member #34722) posted at 6:12 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

I'm sorry you find yourself in a M you cannot continue. I feel sad that so many years of trying ended this way and also that others responded feeling the same.

By the same token, you have found one silver lining already. Keep that frame of mind. You sound strong in your decision. Eat that elephant.

(((slicerboy)))

(I just have to note that THAT name could strike fear in many people if it were 'slicerGIRL'.) (Sorry, I'm bad, I know, 2x4 me. I apologize but the devil made me do it!)

Finding what life could have been....... Why didn't I see it?

posts: 5033   ·   registered: Feb. 3rd, 2012   ·   location: the Other Side
id 6774481
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stronger08 ( member #16953) posted at 10:44 AM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

As much as the D process sucks, it sure beats the alternative. 6 years is a long time to be suffering. I sure hope it wasn't all bad. But good for you my man.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

posts: 6851   ·   registered: Nov. 10th, 2007
id 6774556
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nekorb ( member #40306) posted at 12:44 PM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

You'll know it's best for you when you feel the combination of fear and peace at the same time.

Wow.. That sums up perfectly how I felt when I started taking steps to detach.

(((Slicer)))

I've had to focus on the most ridiculous things to help me find a bright side in this. More room in the closet. Extra drawer space in the bathroom. No clutter in the storage room.

I'm sorry R didn't work. No matter what, I always think it's sad on some level when a marriage ends. It's the death of dreams.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

posts: 5796   ·   registered: Aug. 13th, 2013
id 6774587
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tryingagain74 ( member #33698) posted at 2:05 PM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

It sounds like you truly gave it your best shot. I'm sorry that it didn't work out.

Welcome to D/S. It's a great board that is super helpful.

FBS; now happily liberated!
Two DS and One DD
It matters not how strait the gate,/How charged with punishments the scroll./I am the master of my fate:/I am the captain of my soul.--"Invictus," William Ernest Henley

posts: 4079   ·   registered: Oct. 22nd, 2011
id 6774659
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SBB ( member #35229) posted at 2:07 PM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

We all reach DONE at different times for different reasons - the good news is once you reach it it sticks.

Be gentle with yourself. I found the disappointment all consuming after only a 3m False R.

I saw a great quote here once: "Sometimes you have to forget what you feel and remember what you deserve".

Remember what you deserve.

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6774664
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 slicerboy (original poster member #22202) posted at 8:05 PM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

So we talked a lot last night about ending our marriage. Lots of the discussion seemed like reconciliation. Is this normal? Maybe today is a fresh start to a real R and not false R? I don't like to think the last 6 years have been entirely false R, it's just the WS behavior continues so she just hasn't been truly remorseful. I don't know what to think.

Me: New beginnings
Her: Left her family without a plan

Two children, innocent victims (15 & 17)

Married March 1996
Divorced January 2016

posts: 824   ·   registered: Dec. 29th, 2008   ·   location: Minneapolis
id 6775005
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SBB ( member #35229) posted at 11:13 PM on Saturday, April 26th, 2014

I don't know what behaviour you're talking about but if she isn't changing behaviour and you've made it clear that it is a dealbreaker then it sounds like there has been some rugsweeping going on on both sides in order to continue R.

The sucking back in when you're on your last straw is called Hoovering and it is very normal. Not healthy but normal.

I suggest you read everything in The Healing Library - especially these articles:

The Role of the WS and Achieving Healing

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/healing.asp

Important Truths about R

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/truths.asp

Guilt vs Remorse

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/healing_library/reconciliation/guilt.asp

Hoovering

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/forums.asp?tid=480828

[This message edited by SBB at 5:14 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]

I may have reached a point where I'd piss on him if he was on fire.... eventually!!

posts: 6062   ·   registered: Apr. 4th, 2012   ·   location: Australia
id 6775160
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