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jj21 posted 4/25/2014 14:05 PM

Question for those of you on this forum who had a truly remorseful WS and attempted R, but are now D or S:

First of all, how long did you attempt R?

And knowing what you know now, do you wish you would have a) given up the R attempt sooner, or b)stuck it out longer and tried harder, or perhaps c) neither. ??

And why?

slicerboy posted 4/25/2014 14:09 PM

my dday was back in Nov 2008, April 24th, 2014 - I asked for a divorce.

I'm not the best person to answer, but this gives you perspective. R is possible, R is hard. what I found is that I can't do all the work. My wife gave up on us, so that's what I'm changing. Dissolving our marriage. This way we can go on living the rest of our lives. And the rest of my life does involve her to some degree as we have children together

MadeOfScars posted 4/25/2014 16:01 PM

My case was on the other end of the spectrum. We talked about R for a little over 2 weeks, but no real effort was ever made. I had to push her off the fence when she started talking leasing her own apartment; I wasn't going to wait around on a 6 months or year lease for her to figure out "what she wants" after she stabbed me in the back to begin with. I'll be divorced on Monday.

As much as it hurt (her not fighting for me or for us after almost 12 years together and all we went through) I cannot imagine how difficult an extended R that doesn't work out, or flat-out false R would be. At least I got to rip that band-aid off in one quick motion. I truly hope you both find the peace and happiness you so deserve. It is out there, I promise.

slicerboy posted 4/25/2014 16:14 PM

the worst part of a failed R is seeing my spouse take no accountability to her actions or inaction in our marriage. when she says, "I'm just flirty" and I'm supposed to accept that after mulitple emotional affairs and at least 1 physical affair...

one2ndchance posted 4/25/2014 16:25 PM

I believe my stbxwh was truly remorseful after first d-day. He did everything I asked and put his money where his mouth was by making financial concessions with a post nup. First 7-8 years of R were good. Then slowly he went back to his old habits.

Ten years after first d-day, I caught him trying to find a new OW. The decision to divorce was easy.

Knowing what I know now, of course I wish I had gone through with the divorce the first time, but I thought he had truly changed.

I realize now that it isn't just about change. It's about someone's core moral values. Some people rationalize cheating, while others considered it absolutely out of their realm because it goes against their basic moral code.

Your basic morals and ethics are WHO YOU ARE as a person. My stbxwh showed me who he was the first time he cheated. I made the mistake of thinking because he had changed his behaviors, he had changed his moral values.

He changed his behavior to get what he have me back as his wife. He didn't change his basic moral values.

ChinaCat posted 4/25/2014 17:06 PM

I knew my soon to be ex was not worth shit about 2 weeks after my D-Day. I hung on for years and years. I fought like a damn dog for my marriage. He did not.

I wish I had left MUCH sooner. But, I needed to be ready.
I knew I was going to divorce years ago.

You just KNOW when a person is not going to have the mental or emotional toughness it takes to be in marriage and be a parent.

Mine has no empathy plain and simple.

ThisHell posted 4/25/2014 19:03 PM

I stayed for 6 months being lied to about NC and made to feel like my gut about it was off and I was crazy. Lied through the minimal counseling that "I" had to set up and heard complains about money... as though lying about NC when we were there was helpful ....THEN for the kids I stayed another 10 months hoping for the best and projecting my OWN desire and commitment about R onto him because I wanted for him to want it as much as I did. Regret.... is not remorse. He did the minimal and expected a pat on the back for the same treatment my current SO does out of habit with no prompting. Its called knowing your partner and understanding their needs. He didn't care to and finally just felt I was too difficult.

I look back now and wish I had not wanted to so badly for him to care just as much about saving our family as I did. You can't "want" somebody into anything just as you can't "nice" them.

My regret is staying and allowing the disrespect and discord to continue.

SBB posted 4/25/2014 19:44 PM

"I'm just flirty"

Gently, this is about as far from true remorse as is possible. They would be torn a new one in the Wayward forum for a comment like that.

It is what those in False R say.

About 2.5m into a 3m False R the sad clown bought a woman at a bar a drink right in front of me - his reasoning? It was just a drink, she works there and gets drinks for free so declined, I was just offering, I saw little harm in it.

A week later he had a 1:1 lunch with his office gopher to discuss her becoming his assistant - the same office gopher who he had confessed he had tried to make a move on barely 4m prior during first S. I didn't say anything until after the lunch. I asked him what if I told him a story about a guy who had cheated on his wife less than 5m prior and he had a 1:1 lunch like that - would he think that was appropriate or showed boundaries? He fell on his face bawling/begging - "Oh my god - you're so right! That was completely inappropriate! PLEASE DON'T LEAVE ME. I'm begging you - I'm learning here."

Yeah - I'm learning too. I realised at that moment that he had been getting away with it for so long he thought it would continue.

20w after S this 40 y/o loser tells me he is ready to introduce his 24 y/o office gopher to my girls as his GF. She wasn't even DDOW - she was an LTA of at least 4 years which I didn't realise to that point. Not because I trusted his fidelity but because I trusted her taste.

True Remorse isn't about wanting to save your M - it has to be about wanting to change your fucked up coping mechanisms and your fucked up boundaries. To change yourself.

Comments like "I'm just flirty", "it was just a drink" or any "just" excuse is them holding tight to their toxic selves. Defending it and protecting their right to it. Their right to stay on that slippery slope.

They do have a right to keep it all - just not to keep us too.

He thought promising not to fuck another was enough. I thought I already had that promise when we married - turns out it didn't mean shit to him or to me anymore.

Be very careful about what you're doing here. I see you trying to convince yourself that she has true remorse just as I did, as we all did. Hoping for it doesn't make it true. Lying to yourself doesn't make it true. Eating her bullshit doesn't make it true.

You don't realise it but she is making a clear decision here - time to stop listening to her pretty words and let the ugly words/actions sink in.

You're on your way to a DD #2 - it might take a few months or years but it is coming if you let this bullshit slide.

jj21 posted 4/27/2014 11:33 AM

He changed his behavior to get what he have me back as his wife. He didn't change his basic moral values.
This is my worry. I'm pretty sure it's all sincere, but what if I'm wrong? I've been wrong before...

Thanks for all the responses. I'm a tough place right now.

Gemini71 posted 4/27/2014 13:15 PM

I technically fall under this description. My STBXH has never said that he wants a Divorce. "Sorry," was the first word out of his mouth on D-Day.

Our R was short. One week from D-Day 1 to D-Day 2. I was all for R when I was only dealing with a SA who acted out with strangers he met on the internet. Somehow it didn't feel as personal. But then on D-Day 2 I found out he'd been having PA with my best friend since fourth grade. She's the one he told me to go to for comfort after D-Day 1. That's pretty damn personal.

My only regret is that I ever offered R at all. He seemed shocked that I would have even considered it. In retrospect, I think he didn't really want it. He just felt like he had to say the right things at the time. If he had sat down and said, "What can I do to utterly destroy my wife?" He couldn't have come up with a better plan.

So my answer is C. Neither. I should have never offered R.

Tripletrouble posted 4/27/2014 17:47 PM

My ex was remorseful. For the first couple weeks I had absolutely zero interest in R. I came around and we went to four months of marriage counseling. We did in house sep. Then I found out he had been lying both to me and our counselor, and that was the end. I'm glad I tried, because I have no regrets now that I gave up too soon. But once I knew he was still lying, I knew the trust and marriage were dead and what needed to happen next. I should add my ex didn't have an AP he was "in love" with, he was cruising for casual sex.

Good luck. It's a miserable place to be - not knowing what your path forward is.

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