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Newest Member: ConfidentJayne (61852)

User Topic: and the fantasy begins to crumble
♂ 43090
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 4:03 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Background facts: I am in school full-time, my wife works full-time, and I have several side jobs to help us make ends meet. After the A, I moved out and she is stuck on her measly teacher salary struggling. She cannot get me for child support because of my full-time student status and technically I would be able to get her for alimony (but hey, I'm a nice guy and I'm not going that route). Yesterday she called and whined about two things...the final energy bill ($225), which she has to pay in full and the fact that she had to pay half of the security deposit back to me when I moved out (she sent me a text saying, "I just don't know why I had to pay that to you when I don't legally have to until I move out). As for me? I am doing fine financially. Sure, I have to take out loans to make ends meet, but I always was the master of the budget and was wise with how I spent my money. Now that the foundation of our financial well-being has bottomed out, she is going to go under. I will make certain that my daughter needs for nothing (as I am sure my wife will, too). It's just interesting to see how her fantasy world of leaving me has already begun to unravel. I am going to have my doctoral degree in two years and I have had a financial plan all along. She has nothing. Not even a 401k. End rant.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 4:07 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Karma is a bitch...

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 4:23 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It doesn't take long sometimes, does it?

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good for you!! Hooray! This put a smile on my face!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♂ 42858
Member # 42858
Default  Posted: 6:41 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Once my parents stop enabling her she will crumble

I never realized you could be in this much pain and not be dying.

Posts: 700 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 42558
Default  Posted: 8:03 PM, April 25th (Friday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

This has nothing to do with her awful cheating, but if she has custody of your kids, you should be paying regular child support since you do work. The kids dont deserve to go without regular child support. Also Im confused - you say she makes only a measly salary without your income, so why would she have to pay you alimony. I do fully support people leaving cheaters so kudos for that. But if youre earning money, why shouldnt regular child support? ( assumimg she has majority custody that it)

[This message edited by ShiningAutumn8 at 8:04 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

Posts: 1289 | Registered: Feb 2014
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 3:49 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

She "can't get you" for child support...

I understand your desire to watch your wife crash and burn after what she did, but that's a pretty crappy attitude about child support. Just because you're a student, that doesn't mean your daughter's basic needs for shelter, food, clothing, warmth, medical attention, etc. should be put on hold until you're ready to support her by law.

Child support is the right of every child, REGARDLESS of how you feel about the other parent. Your need to punish your wife and watch her sink is so great that it sounds as though you're willing to let your daughter be collateral damage and go along for the ride in the coming train wreck.

But then you turn around and say your daughter will want for nothing because you'll both make sure of that. How is that possible when you refuse to give your wife one red cent toward supporting your daughter? If your wife sinks, your daughter sinks with her.

Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♂ 16953
Member # 16953
Default  Posted: 4:35 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

As a man and father I'd like to agree with the others in regard to the child. Don't allow the poor kid to go down with her. Its your job and responsibility to provide for the kid. Don't let your quest for karma, revenge or whatever else you want to call it get in the way of that. But aside from that, feel free to enjoy watching the sinking of the SS infidelity.

You cant eat soup with chopsticks.

Posts: 6851 | Registered: Nov 2007
♂ 39633
Member # 39633
Default  Posted: 5:23 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Neveragain, I think he did qualify that statement saying his daughter would always be taken care of.
A bit unfair to have a go at him.

Posts: 1420 | Registered: Jun 2013
♂ 43101
Member # 43101
Default  Posted: 5:34 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm not about to bash you at all, but you really should take heed in what the others are saying about child support. I, too, went through a divorce in my young adulthood and my daughter was a result of that short marriage. Regardless of how I felt about her mother, and the fact that I knew not one red cent of the child support would go to the child, I paid it faithfully for nearly 18 years - until she finished her Master's degree at university. I don't begrudge the money at all, but I know she didn't see much of it. At the end of that journey, though, the adult daughter figured out what was going on and hasn't had any contact with her mother for years now, but we're closer than ever. Your children will always be your children and if you have to pay a few bucks to a golddigger to see them happy, I'd do it in a heartbeat. If that contribution to their welfare from you is abused, they'll figure it out eventually. I learned some valuable lessons about children by watching my child deal with these issues, and they're remarkably observant. I know the desire for payback is strong, but I"m sure you'll do right by your children. I wish you well ...

BH - 53
DDay - 4/4/14
Together 21 years
Completely Devastated and Trying Hard

Posts: 59 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: NS Canada
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 7:53 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I can understand the need to feel some revenge. I can understand a need to be able to see that she’s “losing” and you are “winning”…
But it won’t get you anywhere good.

Ever seen the Monty Python scene with the black knight?
You are in danger in becoming the Black Knight and Life (King Arthur) is about to pass you by.

Look – Infidelity isn’t a competition. There are no winners and basically EVERYONE is a loser. You, your ex and even your child. And that’s OK. That’s what life tends to be; a series of events, some we come out as winners, some as losers, some we benefit from and some we lose from. The main issue is to LEARN from all and improve oneself. That’s all we can do. Deal with this situation and make the best of it.
If you and XW learn to successfully co-parent then you can create a better and healthier environment for her compared to remaining in a broken home. She can come out a winner rather than a victim.

If your marriage is over and if there is really no wish from both of you to reconcile then try to detach from the emotional connection you have with WW and move on. Separate in as amicable way you possibly can (because even “amicable” is tough). Be as fair as you can because – for example – half that energy bill really is yours then the $112.50 you avoided there will hit you later with emotional interest.

The above comments about CS are true… Not having an income isn’t an excuse for not providing for your child. Be careful here because IF she’s desperate she can hit you with a court awarded temporary CS order. A judge won’t really take into consideration that you are studying and therefore have a low income. He will only see the obligation you accepted on becoming a father. AT LEAST document all expenses incurred and all times your daughter is with you.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 7148 | Registered: Sep 2005
♂ 43090
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 8:58 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you guys for the feedback. There are a slew of emotions that I am going through and I need to begin to practice forgiveness. Holding onto things in the past is only going to hurt me. It will especially hurt me if I know that my daughter is adversely affected by my actions. The thing that kills me is that she will take the money and go spend it on going out with the other guy.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♂ 8354
Member # 8354
Default  Posted: 9:10 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So don’t give her money directly…
Document when D is with you. If it’s half the time then she’s getting half her meals on your buck.
How about medical bills? How about clothes? How about child-care? These are costs you can contribute to without giving your WW a single bill. If she decides to use the $$$ she’s not spending on child-care to be with OM… not your issue.

"If, therefore, any be unhappy, let him remember that he is unhappy by reason of himself alone." Epictetus

Posts: 7148 | Registered: Sep 2005
OK now
♀ 14459
Member # 14459
Default  Posted: 2:32 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sad thing is, your wife doesn't seem bit remorseful. She has no feelings for you and seems to be still in this affair. No affection, no regret, just complaints about financial obligations.

She may not even regret your separation; she has an emotional relationship with the other guy and apart from being short of cash, she doesn't seem to be missing your marriage, or even regretting starting the affair. Still a huge loss for both of you. You need to find out how your marriage got into such a state.

I agree with Bigger. Make sure your daughter is provided for by buying her material things and not giving WW any cash.

Posts: 2062 | Registered: May 2007 | From: NC
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 5:19 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I don't see where the OP is saying he's withholding from his child.

He said she'll be taken care of. He is working but is also taking out loans to stay afloat.

Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2012
Topic Posts: 15

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