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nightmarelife posted 4/25/2014 16:16 PM

I had an A with my BIL (BH's sister's husband). After D-day both of us started R and had few problems going NC. We don't hear a lot about how he and my SIL are doing but BH does still talk to his sister occasionally. We also live in the same town and can't completely avoid each other at family events. So from what we've seen of how they interact and knowing that they're in MC and are supposedly working hard on saving their marriage it appeared like their R was going well. But yesterday he sent me a completly inappropriate text message. It wasn't the first time AP/BIL broke NC (or even me) but it was the first time he sent something that wasn't completely innocent or family-related. Because there hadn't been many problems I hadn't blocked his number or changed mine - our children, who are cousins, still interact and play together - but now BH and I are reconsidering. Instead of summarizing and giving you my own interpretation of the text message I'll go ahead and paste it here:

How happy 1-10 are you with (insert BH's name) right now? How happy were you when we'd broke up? How happy could we be together right now with all the crap we'd have to deal with? What's your opinion as of this second?

I called BH right after I received it to let him know and both of us are sickened and hurt that he would dare send such a message when we're working so hard as couples and as a family to heal and reach the closest to "normal" as possible. So far he or I haven't responded, but we've considered that him receiving something directly from me (but written with BH's help) might make the most impact and shut him and any hopes he has of restarting the affair down for good. We've also never sent a NC letter. Right now SIL and BIL are on a vacation together without their kids and we don't want to ruin that but wonder if SIL should be informed of the contact and content of the message. Previously BIL had freely confessed to her about the other times of broken NC but I can't imagine he was planning on that in this instance. Any suggestions as to how we should proceed?

WW (me) - 32
BH - 36
Married 12 years
DS 5, DD 3, baby #3 on the way!
Dday - 10/25/13
In IC and MC

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/25/2014 16:27 PM

First, what an awful situation. Ugh.

Do not respond. At all.

BH contacts SIL immediately. He phones her up and says, "I have sucky news, are you sitting down? Dickface just sent a text to my wife. Do you want me to forward it to you, or read it to you?"

we don't want to ruin that

You're not ruining anything. BIL is. Imagine she gets back from vaca and then you inform her? If I were her I want to know now, so I can ditch his sorry ass there and make him walk the fuck home.

Aubrie posted 4/25/2014 16:58 PM

I agree with 20wrongs. Contact the SIL immediately. How sad for her to be in "blissful ignorance" only to come home and find out, just kiddinggggg, he's still a douche. She needs to know now. She is on vacation under false pretenses.

Then block him from your phone. Pronto.

nightmarelife posted 4/25/2014 17:06 PM

If I were her I want to know now, so I can ditch his sorry ass there and make him walk the fuck home.

20wrongsv1, Thanks for the advice. And the laugh.

But you think it's a good idea knowing that they're overseas? I'm not sure if she'll be able to ditch him or fly home early. They're in a big tour group with some friends and family who know about the A (my parents and ILs) and some who don't. With the time difference and the cost it wouldn't be possible to call her. We could only send an email. But I'll suggest it to BH. That's actually what I'd prefer to do.

cindergirl posted 4/25/2014 17:16 PM

Just casting my vote to agree with the above. Have your BH contact her immediately. Consider how she'll feel when she finds out her brother withheld information to save her "vacation". I'd feel doubly betrayed.

Although, I'm honestly not sure if I'd block him. I'd consult your BH. Considering this is his sister he loves, he might want the door open in case AP does anything else stupid. If it were my sister, I think that's what I would want.

What a complicated mess. Ugh is right.

ETA: Being overseas does complicate it further. I'm not sure what the solution is. An email does seem like a crappy way to get the information. The sad fact is, there's no good solution. All the options suck.

[This message edited by cindergirl at 5:19 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/25/2014 21:30 PM

Crap. You're right, being overseas with a tour group is a complication. He'll have to swim home.

I know it's not a joke, I'm sorry, this sucks so bad, you have my deepest sympathies. Waiting till they get back may be required. Maybe BIL will man up and confess in the meantime.

Most importantly, it seems like you and BH are handling this as a team. Good luck, will you keep us posted?

realitybites posted 4/26/2014 06:24 AM

Weird question....did he actually talk that way? Meaning asking the 1-10 question?

Could possibly be his BS testing the waters and seeing if you still talk to him....we have done stranger things in the beginning of the whole A when our brains are all over the place.

So let your BH handle it, have him tell her and see what happens, leave you out of the equation. If it was him then it was disclosed, if it was her then this wasn't coming from you.

nightmarelife posted 4/26/2014 13:16 PM

realitybites, yep, he always talks that way, and he asked me similar questions during the A. If my SIL is impersonating him, she's doing a great job. She even threw in some typos (which I corrected) to seal the deal. But I can't imagine her doing something like this, and neither can BH. But you're right, with the paranoia and the trauma it's definitely something to consider.

And 20wrongsv1, I'll definitely keep you posted.

Unagie posted 4/26/2014 16:21 PM

I honestly would be super angry if I enjoyed my time with him and found out it was all a lie after. I'd inform her ASAP overseas trip or not.

somethingremorse posted 4/28/2014 08:46 AM

nightmarelife --

First, I have the exact same family situation, except BIL and AP live an hour away. So I really sympathize. And I can imagine this much more than hypothetically.

I'd tell my BW, just like you did. I'd work through the answer with BW, just like you are.

In my case, I am pretty certain that BW and I would respond together to both BIL and AP. My BW would want me to stand up and say that I love my wife, that I have no interest of ever being with AP ever again, and that I do not want her to be in my life any more than necessary for the family. BW would probably want to say that we are working hard for R. AP already teamed with me to ruin our lives. If she wants to kill her own M, then she should go ahead and do it. But both of them need to leave us alone to try to salvage ours.

I think that BW really would want BIL and AP to know that we are in this together, and would want to address both of them. We'd both want BW's brother to be happy,and tell them that they cannot have an R if AP is contacting me at all.

I do want to address the tiny possibility that the question was part of their own R. It seems strange to me, but I suppose I could see it as a question that your SIL and AP might answer on their own, and want to see your answer to. I mean, there's a 1% chance of that, and your SIL should have communicated or warned your BH that this was coming.

Finally, I initially erased AP's contact information. But I discovered that I needed to have her number, email, etc. in my contacts so that I could block her. It's always a little stressful when I start entering a cell number and her name pops up.

Good luck.

nightmarelife posted 4/28/2014 14:29 PM

somethingremorse, I appreciate your sympathy and your posts very much. It's nice to know there's someone out there who really understands how messed up my situation is and is just as committed to reconciling and fixing the mess where possible.

Both BH and I are still in favor of me being part of the response. AP has known BH longer than I have and knows him and the history and dynamics or our relationship well enough now that he might assume that anything BH says in my behalf may not be true. I don't want to leave any doubt in his mind that the A is over and I never want to be with him again. I still don't think it's possible that the text was a part of their R without SIL warning us, but either way I'll find out soon.

Something else I failed to mention is that BH would like to talk to his father first and see how the trip went for SIL and AP. BH also wants to ask him for advice about whether to inform SIL or not. BH loves and trusts his father's opinion very much and I'm worried that he'll want to do whatever his father thinks is best. I don't mind getting some advice from SIL's Dad, whom she's very close to, but my FIL is not and has never been been in our situation and I think BH and I know what's best. Ultimately I want the decision of what to do about the contact to be ours alone. I hope I can explain that to BH in a sensitive, respectful way, because it's really his call.

And finally a bit of an update. As I mentioned, my parents and my MIL and FIL are on the same trip as my SIL and AP. My parents and ILs have been friends since BH and I married and committed to this trip, along with SIL, long before the A. My SIL was going to take a friend (which was normal pre-A) until my AP/BIL ended up coming somewhat last minute. I'm not sure if it was a matter of SIL not wanting him to come until their relationship was on better terms or if it was logisitics with work and finding someone to stay with their kids. Plus BIL/AP doesn't love traveling. But I decided to text my mother (who knows about the A) before everyone gets home and ask her if it looked like SIL and BIL had had a good time together. I was relieved to find out that my SIL and my mother were at least on friendly terms and talked a few times. AP/BIL was "standoffish" around them she said, which is expected. Of course to start off the trip as awkwardly as possible my parents and SIL and AP were on the same flight and happened to be seated next to each other! Anyway, my mom said that from her perspective, it looked like they'd had a good time with the exception of one day, when she observed an obvious rift between them. And guess what? That just so happened to be the night he texted me. So we could assume that they argued or disagreed and then later that night he texted me. But maybe my mother has the day wrong and the rift was caused by the text (and my SIL already knows about it, which would be a relief). Everyone arrives home sometime today, so I hope BH will talk to both his father and his sister tomorrow so we can find out for sure and do what's necessary.

nightmarelife posted 4/30/2014 16:09 PM

Another update, in which I'll try to be brief. So yesterday BH and I had a long conversation with my FIL. Contrary to appearances it looks like SIL and AP/BIL are heading for D. Things are going very poorly due to previous issues in the marriage so whether she knows about the broken contact or not I guess we are not going to tell her. AP sent the text message to me during a night they spent apart after he had a manic yelling and swearing match with SIL in front of her family members. He sent the text afterwards and while he may have been on Ambien.

Is this the right call? Disclosing the contact to her, though hurtful, feels more right to me in the long run or at least knowing that AP/BIL has already confessed to some inappropriate contact with me. I'm planning on discussing my concerns with BH tonight.

daisychains posted 4/30/2014 18:00 PM

You started this post on Friday - it is now Wednesday and you still haven't told your SIL/OBS. Your BH wanted to know how their R was going before he made up his mind to say anything to his sister!

So - if the R had been going well then the decision would be say nothing? - but R is going badly and the decision is still to say nothing?

They have a fight and OM/BIL response is to text you!

Your SIL should have been the first to be told - she deserves to be told - she has a right to be told -

As soon as you received the text your SIL should have been told.

Instead you speak to your mother.

As soon as they got back she should have been told.

Instead your BH/her brother speaks to their father.

This is her life - this is her marriage.

Your instinct is to tell her - please trust your instinct - hurtful it will be - it will also be the truth - does she not deserve the truth. Has she not had enough lies?

Tell her - .

Oh and as for what your own response to his text should be - tell his wife - that is a clear message from you.

20WrongsVs1 posted 4/30/2014 19:11 PM

If SIL's leaning toward D, are you and/or BH worried that disclosing this will push her over the edge? And that you'll feel like it's your fault? That's a valid concern, if so, and I get that y'all are in a tough spot.

But, it's so unfair to SIL, for this information to be kept from her. And by her own family! Imagine how she would feel, if she knew you were withholding this info. Betrayed all over again.

Christy516 posted 5/1/2014 11:16 AM

I have to agree with everyone else. This may sound harsh but what right do you and your H have to make decisions for you SIL? To decide what she needs to know and doesn't need to know? It is her life, her marriage and she has a right to all of the information when she makes decisions. My best friend of 33yrs had information she didn't share. She "took care of it" and "didnt want to hurt me". Not her call and not yours. Don't treat her like a child who is incapable of handling the truth. Respect her enough to give her all information.

splitintwo posted 5/1/2014 12:05 PM

IMO, It's BH's family, therefore, it's ultimately BH's call re: whether to tell his sister. Nightmarelife can raise as many concerns as she wants, but it's not her place to make that decision for BH. In addition, there are mitigating circumstances, such as he may have been on Ambien when he texted.

That said, Nightmarelife & her BH should craft some type of unified response to her AP re: their complete disdain for the text as well as their stance re: future contact. And they should strongly urge him to come clean with his wife re: breaking contact. Once he's aware of how many members of the family now know & the potential that exists re: that information getting to his wife via any of them, he may step up in the honesty department, especially if he wants to hold onto any hope of R.

nightmarelife posted 5/2/2014 14:48 PM


Thanks everyone for your responses. Splitintwo, I appreciate your thoughts. They explain my position perfectly. Whether it was the right thing to do or not, disclosing the contact was not my call to make and I needed to respect BH's decision, whatever it was. I'm really fortunate to report that after talking some more we cleared up our misunderstandings and came up with a decision we were both happy with. BH sat down with his sister yesterday and told her about the contact. This morning BH received an apology text from BIL/AP in which AP said he has no designs on me. From what SIL told BH it sounds like AP/BIL's text was the direct result of a threat he had given her that night before she left their hotel room where he vowed to hurt her so badly that she could never forgive him. That doesn't excuse it but it makes all of us tend to take his message a little less seriously.

[This message edited by nightmarelife at 2:49 PM, May 2nd (Friday)]

sunnyrain posted 5/2/2014 19:28 PM

That's good, right? I sure hope so! Such a stressful situation you are dealing with. Continued best of luck :D

nightmarelife posted 5/5/2014 15:20 PM

Thanks sunnyrain. It's good in that AP wasn't serious about the contact. The fallout could've been much worse. What's bad is that he'd hurt all of us by sending me a text that he didn't mean after a heated argument with his wife just to spite her. She'll never heal if he keeps treating her this way. Everyone agrees he needs professional help except himself. Until he realizes how broken and messed up he is reconciliation between AP/BIL and SIL, and then SIL and I and BIL and BH is impossible.

sunnyrain posted 5/5/2014 15:52 PM

Hoping either your AP/BIL steps up to the plate soon (like yesterday), or your SIL reaches her point of no return and calls it quits. Surely, something's got to give. Enough is enough!

BTW, your family sounds very supportive despite whether we here tend to agree or disagree with how the recent breach of NC was handled.

[This message edited by sunnyrain at 3:53 PM, May 5th (Monday)]

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