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So Confused!!

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BrokenHeartMom posted 4/25/2014 19:28 PM

I thought I found the "ONE" I quit believing in it because I could never find someone to treat me right. I have been with abusers and cheaters in the past.
This guy and I, we talked for years before finally meeting. We hit it off pretty quickly. There was something there neither of us had felt before. He felt just as passionately about cheating as I did. It was so easy to trust him.
I have 2 kids with a previous marriage and he has a son from a previous relationship. We all mixed so very well. We felt like a family. It was like a movie romance in a way. We had our little bickers, but we always told each other we loved each other, and you could see it in our kisses, passion, and the way we looked at each other. We talked about marriage... Had certain details figured out. Just not the when and no rings just yet.
We decided to have a baby. We were both wanting one and we thought we would make great parents and an amazing family. The last trimester of my pregnancy, every thing got really hard. I was hit by a semi driving to work one day. I was in a lot of pain with my back. They could only do an xray to make sure it wasn't broke, but did so very cautiously. Then changes at work led me to work a lot of hours and doing way more than I should have in my condition. Preeclampsia landed me in the hospital. After I got out, I was put on bed rest until the baby was born in 5 weeks - 1 week early due to scheduled C-Section. Even though I didn't get much support from him, things I thought were going so well.
He took the week off after our son was born and I noticed his phone going off like crazy. He had given me permission to look through his phone before if I ever felt insecure. I told him I wouldn't do that unless I felt I had good reason to. I looked and this was the first stab I took. He was emotionally cheating. I blamed myself for everything. It took me months to quit and realized I was hit by a semi, I was lucky to be alive. I was in a lot of pain. I eventually lost feeling and use of my hands and was worried about taking care of myself and baby when he was born (that got a lot better after my almost 10lb baby was born) I went through so much, and he wasn't there for me... How is it fair that he could find someone else to connect with like that?
So we got past it and things were going ok again... for a few months. Then it started with websites and talking about how things were so bad with us and that I'm not around anymore and then sexting (all were lies). It hit me hard. But I got over it again because it was only sites and he swore he deleted them. He got better at hiding it.
After Christmas, we got into a huge arguement, so we went back to my parents. (we've always had beds and clothes there) I took my old phone that he had borrowed until he got a new phone. I warned him to wipe it before I took it. Well, while at my parents, he said he still wanted to marry me... But I had this gut wrenching feeling. One night, I turned on that old phone and immediately felt like puking. I did some searching and apparently he had been involved with one woman sexually more than once and talking and sexting others. He told her goodbye, I even talked with her... it was over for sure.
I worked on forgiving him and just when I was starting to let go again so we can get a place together, instead of his place... He started sending and receiving pics again. I honestly feel like he just didn't want me. Like I wasn't giving him what he needed or something. I've been cheated on by a few guys now and I still can't help to wonder what I'm doing wrong.
I give everything. I'm told constantly that I need to start focusing on myself because I am one to put myself last. I have been trying so hard... He wants to work things out. I still love him so much. But he just seems like a broken record. It's almost like his feelings aren't there so much anymore and I don't know if the pain is worth fighting for anymore. I want to have hope and faith, but I'm just so confused!

[This message edited by BrokenHeartMom at 8:53 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

BrokenHeartMom posted 4/25/2014 19:31 PM

The "we" I was referring to as going back to my parents was my 2 daughters, and baby boy.

jjct posted 4/25/2014 20:34 PM

I need to start focusing on myself

You've been told this "constantly"?
Then why haven't you listened?

I know I just asked you a hard question.
If you really answer this for yourself, new worlds await you, and this current drama will fade into the past.

It's 'your answer' too. Go. Find it within yourself.

jjct posted 4/25/2014 20:37 PM

& use paragraphs
the enter bar

BrokenHeartMom posted 4/25/2014 20:50 PM

I'm sorry. I started emotionally typing.
I'm the kind to wear my heart on my sleeve. I care about everyone. I see the good in EVERY one. I don't know why I put myself last all of the time. I know I need to build up my perspective of myself.
I have been through so much in life. I guess it's just my way of dealing with it. Trying to help others that have gone through similar situations. I worry about myself last. It's something I have tried, but I just can't quit doing.

[This message edited by BrokenHeartMom at 8:54 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

jjct posted 4/26/2014 11:01 AM

No worries! It happens.
You'll be fine.

Dig into this:

just can't quit doing.

Maybe IC?

because of course, "you can", being a free moral agent, you do have free will.
You are not compelled to do anything.
It's your choice.

It's subtle maybe, or a little "hidden" in there,
but if we are to love others as we love ourselves,
there's "permission" to love ourselves.

For me, hooking up with abusers, ignoring red flags, making excuses for abusive, disrespectful behavior boiled down to not loving myself.
Having low self-esteem.
Finding value in what I could do for others.
External to me.

It was easy. Natural to be externally-directed.
Because it helped me avoid my own issues within.

I was livingNot within myself.

Go there.
Love yourself.
Respect yourself.
One of our members has a good tagline:
Sit. Feast on your life.

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