He told one of the kids after the fact. Didn't even invite his own kids to the wedding.
DS18 has mentioned how insecure wifetress is. Gee, can't imagine why that is.
ETA: my kids are older so it really doesn't effect them. DS22 didn't care when he heard about the marriage. DS18 was pissed that his dad was so inconsiderate about not telling them before the wedding, and told his dad how he felt. DS18 was also concerned about how I would take the news, but he had nothing to be worried about. I was only surprised that it had taken them so long.
[This message edited by inconnu at 10:45 PM, April 25th (Friday)]
Pretty pretty please, don't you ever ever feel
Like you're less than, less than perfect
'Somewhere' in the midst of my father being unhappy with my mom & starting a divorce process, my now stepmother was also divorcing her first husband. And "somewhere" in the midst of all that, the two of them hooked up. Though I never heard the words cheating or affair as a teenager back then, I and my sister both knew in our gut they were together before our parents divorced. Only last week my mother revealed to me that my stepmom started and expedited her divorce after my dad started divorcing my mom. My dad and stepmom taught at same school together. A couple years ago I learned my mom caught them in a car together while my parents still living in same house/not yet divorced. Out with my mom...in with stepmom. No down time at all.
As adult now, and a BS at that, I see things in a different light. As a teenager, you just didn't question my dad. Actually still can't. But I'm not stupid. It is just what it is. I was awful stepdaughter and hated stepmom. But to her credit she has hung in there with me and loved me like a daughter when I did everything to be unloveable. My sister wasn't so aggressive but she still was hurt by it all. Now over the years...I'm just as close to her as my own mother. And my sister is as well. And that's really to my stepmom's credit honestly.
If I sit and think about it, I get real angry for my mother. I hurt for her. She got the bad end of the stick. Tho to the outside it appears my dad is 10x stronger than my mom- I have so much more admiration for my mother. She endured much humiliation by the way things went down. But she is such an honorable woman.
I hate how my father treated my mother, but I don't relive it anymore. It just is what it is. :/
Now, if my WH left me for AP, I don't think I could keep my mouth quiet like my mother did. Just the idea sets me off on a rant and rage! Thankfully not on table for us. Just posting as one if those kids of the past divorce & remarriage....
Mom M the OM the day her D from dad was finalized, I was 8yo. After my '06 d-day I learned that there had been others. I did know she was cheating with him though because she took us on their dates and to his house to spend the night while dad was working swing shift. We were excluded from the wedding. As a little girl I always thought a wedding meant I could have a pretty dress and toss flowers. Instead we stayed with some of her friends and they watched The Fog and fed us peanut butter sandwiches.
We had a messed up family so part of me thought it was ok for her to hang out with this guy while dad was gone. Likely because I had seen it before with her hanging out with dad's friends. I didn't realize what they were doing while we were locked in a tiny dark room at his place. I was just concerned for me feeling scared and cold.
It was dad that actually worried me. We came home one day to our coffee table chopped up by him using a machete. Another time he took us to find her, driving around in the dark desert. As a kid, that's what worried me.
Did they live happily ever after? Apparently she cheated on him multiple times, even naming my half brother after one of his friends. They D by the time I was 13yo or so. When you see what we saw, deep down you know people are disposable to the wayward parent. I was...mom gave me up without a fight and, after some attempts in my teens, we pretty much are NC. She claims all the other kids but not me.
How did we kids adapt? I never attached to him. I had figured out that mom having a "boyfriend" wasn't right. I connected dad's anger to that, though it wasn't until my own d-days that I got the intensity. Two years later I asked to live with my dad and new stepmom. Mom had already tried to give me to dad but the courts wouldn't split us up. When asked at the trial I kept saying I wanted my mommy AND my daddy. I didn't get having to pick. So once I did, I was with dad and stepmom.
Again, messed up family dynamics meant that even though dad's M lasted longer, none of us have contact with either stepparent now. Yes, we adapted and lived what we could of a normal life. But it's hard to tell where our issues come from because we each experienced our parents doing drugs, alcoholism, verbal and physical abuse, mental abuse, neglect. I suspect sexual abuse based on some behaviors and a few flashes of memory. Those are of my mom doing inappropriate things to me, but I suspect my stepdad might have abused my older sister.
Bro had a kid at 19yo and eventually M the mom. She cheated on him and left him a few years ago but they R...if you call it that. They're together but not dealing with their issues. Sis started being sexually active at 13yo. She cheated on her fiancé and M the OM. He was actually a good guy and I didn't know until after my d-day it started as an A. He kowtowed to her, thinking that he owed it to her for making the choices he did. Around '11 she left him for our cousin and reports are that she's due with his baby next month. Apparently my mom and our aunt are thrilled.
Me, I had one serious relationship, MrH. At 18yo he was my first kiss. He has cheated on me and physically abused me in different ways since we started dating in '92. First it was all I knew but as I stood up for myself, he stopped. First the abuse in '97. Now the cheating. We're at an ok place and I'm focused on dealing with my demons and making sure we don't pass the poison of our childhood down to our kids.
That's where this becomes more comforting for those worried about their kids. I know from my life that having a stable influence can mean so much to a child. There were problems living with dad and stepmom, but it was a safer environment than my other siblings had. I grew up with better insight and boundaries. I just let my desperation for love weaken those boundaries. I'm better adjusted compared to my siblings.
I know that if we do finally D, the kids will be better off than we were. There will be issues to deal with, but having safe parents will mean the world of difference. That's what I see when I read here. Lots of safe parents, looking out for the mental and physical wellness of their children. I'm convinced that though the situations are messed up, having ONE parent do the right thing by them will make all the difference.
My kids are still little-- the oldest is 10-- and they're dealing with it as best they can under the circumstances. The first and most important thing I did was get them into counseling. They also joined a divorce support group at school.
I also told them the truth-- I said that their dad started dating their now-stepmother while he and I were still married, and that's why we had to get divorced. I wanted them to know the truth because otherwise, it was very confusing to them. First, they were hit with the terrible news that their parents were divorcing, and then, about eight months later, they met their dad's GF who suddenly became his wife about five months after that. It was inappropriately rushed, and once my kids understood why, it was easier for them to cope with.
I'm not sure if "happily ever after" is possible for my ex. He's constantly looking for something to fill the void in his soul, and I've gotten little hints here and there that life is not perfect in Happy Unicorn Cheaters Land. But, I'm working toward indifference (what we call "meh" around here) rather than focusing on the dynamics in my ex's relationship. I try to keep my mind on doing what is best for the kids, and I'm grateful that they aren't being abused or neglected when they visit him. Do they like going there? Not really. Their father has totally sold them out for his AP. He focuses on her and treats them like pretty accessories that make his blended family facade look more attractive. They sense that. But, they could be in a worse situation, so I try to keep them feeling upbeat about their visits and remind them that they spend most of their time with me.
If that's the road your WS is going down, just do your best for the kids. Don't assume that they're the perfect couple and living happily ever after, and more importantly, try working on not caring about that at all. All I know is that I would never, ever want my XWH back, so even if he does find bliss with someone else, I would never have that with him, so I shouldn't pine for something that wouldn't exist.
They aren't 'happy' together. They are dysfunctionally functional together...if that makes sense.
They play family EOW to Teslet. They make a big deal out of him having a little sister. Teslet likes stripper whore and she is nice to him. In fact, Teslet wanted to give her some little chochky girl's play jewelry ring that he got from school. So, I guess you could say that he's adapted well.
I've adapted fairly well to the situation too. I think that is the hardest part: realizing that the kiddo's perspective will never be ours. That they will always desire a relationship with both parents despite what wrongs were committed. If Teslet would have given that play ring to stripper whore last year, it would have really upset me. I would have taken that as a slight to myself. But when he said he wanted to give the ring to her this week, I thought what a sweet and thoughtful kid he was. It also helps that he observed that I have lots of jewelry but stripper whore doesn't have any. And the evil part of me hopes that he makes that observation to them too!
As for "happily ever after with their AP", this is questionable. He thinks he is but I understand and hear that it is not all green grass, rather like a cow pasture with spots in the grass of perfection.
He thinks it is better because he's away from me, but people tell me that he actually has a lot more problems then he did before. When I think of it, it's kind of funny.
Kids seem to adapt over time and the ones that I know actually make fun of WS and AP.
[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:23 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]
A person is a person, no matter how small. -Dr. Suess
Perserverance and spirit have done wonders in all ages.
I'm mixed about it personally. I have moved on and have a better life. But in a way, it's one more ending of that life I thought I would have. That it is her bites a little as well.
So far he has kept her away from kid events. Now that she will have legal status, i am sure that will change. I don't look forward to that. Frankly, he has more to lose, I know about things that she does not. ( like how he was sleeping with us both at the same time)
I guess the part that bothers me is it still feels like she "won". And even though I do all the " well just look at what she actually won" the truth is I did everything in my power to save that marriage and couldn't. More healing to do here, boo.
[This message edited by LearningToRun at 8:48 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]
How do I know they are not happy? First X told me when they broke up the first time (and he was trying to worm himself back into my life ) Apparently his family, who thought whore was so great when he was still M to me, saw her true colors and hated her. This probably had more to do with their friends reactions to the whore. They thought they could pass her off as someone X met after our D. I told one person what really happened and who she really was (his cousin ) and the gossip flew. So the poor muffin was not accepted and by association MIL and SIL felt the heat. He also told me that they fought constantly. She resented that he had to pay me CS and he resented that she refused to share any of her money to pay the bills. But the most shocking thing is that he told me he hit her! In the 20 years we were together he never even threatened violence let alone hit me. So they broke up after a year. Then a couple of years went by and X could not find a job and SIL was sick of him mooching off her so she sent him to live with OW. So now he mooches off OW. When he visited his family over xmas he told his sister that he made a terrible mistake and she then told me that. I changed the subject, but all I could think was "NO shit sherlock! but your revelation came 9 years too late asshole!"
So yes they are M. No it is not happy. And he has completely alienated his child.
It does sting to hear my DD refer to OW's kid as "her brother". Not "my dad's gf's son", or "my stepbrother", but "brother".
Everybody, soon or late, sits down to a banquet of consequences.
~Robert Louis Stevenson
me (WW/BS): 48
4 kiddos in mid 20's
“Never be so focused on what you're looking for that you overlook the thing you actually find.”
Mum had an exit A and left my dad for the OM when I was eight. There was a bit of to-ing and fro-ing between the houses. Mum and dad tried to R for the sake of us kids which ended miserably, that's what damaged me the most, all the uncertainty.
Mum and OM have been together twenty years now and are very happy. OM, now my step dad, has been amazing. My dad was still very involved with us kids, saw us every weekend so my step dad had to walk a very thin line, being an involved parent but not being a dad. He did it perfectly and I love him very much. I had three fantastic adults in my life and now my own kids have three amazing grandparents.
It was awful and very upsetting at the time, the arguments and the yelling after Dday, I remember it all. As the eldest of the three kids I carry all the emotional scars. I'm working through it in IC at the moment. None of those scars were from the A though, my mum and OM being together was a good thing for our family. They went about it in a really shitty way, but we all made it through.
Chin up. Unwavering. Fight. I can do this.
Are they happy? Don't know, don't particularly care, to be honest. I do not feel he is a good father to our children, and THAT I care about.
How have my kids adjusted? The best they can. Kids are resilient, and I think do what they need to survive their situation. I had them in 2 years of therapy following the divorce, and back again for 4 months recently as issues continue to crop up because of their father's home.
I have never told them. I honestly don't know how I've had the strength to act so sanely, other than love for my children. My oldest (now 14) FINALLY had a point blank conversation with me about it this fall (he was 10 when everything happened). He asked me point blank "Dad left you for her, didn't he. He cheated on you with her. That's why you never talk about her, and suddenly stopped being friends with her." I said yes, and he cried saying his Dad has repeatedly lied to him when he's asked him, and even angrily told him to stop telling lies around the younger kids (she has 3 kids with her ex).
It's all heartbreaking, but all outside my control. They are thriving in my home, and seem resigned to their situation at their dad's. My kids seem to have adopted my "it is what it is" attitude.
BUT .... I have a friend, who left his 1st W for OW after 9 years or so. He admitted to me that OW was OW, but I hadn't experienced adultery yet.
I found it incredibly strange that my friends 2nd W would never, ever, ever let him hang out alone. I didn't especially like her, so I didn't get it at the time why she was ALWAYS around.
They've been M'd about 7 years at this point. I don't even talk to him, b/c I don't want to be around her. I don't think he's happy, as he's treated like a child who can't be trusted. Which, obviously, he can't be.
I think OW thought having the kid would keep him in line. I have a feeling that if he's not in another A now, he will be soon enough.
They are not happily married because I hear from youngest DS about the fighting that occurs every weekend he is there and Dad frequently sleeps in DS room, or on the floor or on the sofa.
It's a matter of time before they are divorced as well.
Paradise isn't all it seemed I guess.
Best thing I gained in my divorce - my freedom.
Caretaker1, are you asking because you are you curious or ???
If you can, borrow the book. Although did not touch on infidelity, I thought it was a very informative book.
When we say things like kids "adapt" or kids are "resilient" when dealing with their parents divorce, we are bullshitting ourselves. They kinda of don't have a choice. I just finished reading the book "The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce" in which the author follows the lives of children of divorce from a young age until middle age. The author was surprised at the long lasting effects of divorce (not even talking about divorce involving infidelity!!).
This! My father cheated on my mother the first 35 years of their marriage. I knew he did. They nearly divorced over it. I cannot begin to write about the ways it has affected me. Divorce does permanent damage to kids. Of course they survive. No choice. But they're not unaffected by any means.
My husband's daughter clearly has issues with it. She's a lovely young woman who is scared to marry her wonderful bf of 5 years. Us nearly splitting didn't help that at all.
I feel so much pain for these kids. They will never be the same.