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Advice please?

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alleyk posted 4/25/2014 22:26 PM

Welp, this is my first time posting in the D/S forum. I've been hanging out over in R, but recently discovered that affairs have been an ongoing pattern throughout my marriage as opposed to it just was during a difficult time we were going through last year. I haven't told my WH all that I now know, nor does he know that I've seen a lawyer for an initial consultation. Honestly I'm terrified of getting divorced, even though I am disgusted by my WH, and I don't know what direction to take in my life after I've invested my heart, soul and being into this man for 10 years (who turned out to be a lying cheating fraud!).

Anyway, I also have essentially been the breadwinner and the business/financial manager for most all of our marriage, and it kills me to no end that I will have to give him half of the money I've worked hard to manage and save and grow after what he's done/been doing. And he could probably ask for spousal support! ARGH!

He has no idea what we have in savings, knows nothing about retirement accounts, etc. But if/when I file, of course I'll have to disclose it all. Payday for him! I want to protect myself and get all I deserve, but that would mean hiring a lawyer I'm sure which means paying out a lot of money too. My friend has suggested doing everything without a lawyer, just through agreements and mediation if necessary.

I guess what I'm asking, is while I am still in this situation keeping up appearances, how can I get myself in a better position before I file? I want to start planning, thinking strategically and be pragmatic instead of emotional. I've experienced the worst pain in my life this past year, and I want it to stop already. I'm numb at this point.

[This message edited by alleyk at 10:28 PM, April 25th (Friday)]

deena posted 4/25/2014 23:16 PM

I am sorry I don't have any advice for you. Just hugs

I have just gone to a lawyer recently myself and have just started into the separation process

ButterflyGirl posted 4/26/2014 00:20 AM

Sometimes you have to pay for freedom.. My divorce cost me 17 grand and 1-1/2 years, but it was all worth it. I feel better than ever.

Wish I had suggestions for financially protecting yourself. My smartest move was filing immediately so any further debt he incurred was now his own and not considered marital debt. That administrative order saved me tons of money.

If he could be running up credit, I think your best move it to cancel all the joint cards and then file, but certainly talk to a lawyer.

You're being really smart not sharing info with him. Keep focusing on what's best for you.. Sending hugs and strength..

Ashland13 posted 4/26/2014 08:35 AM

Sorry for your difficult time.

One thing I've learned is whether the bread winner or financially supported person, it's in either person's best interest to be weary of spending prior to divorce and during separation. One of the things that happens is that we become financially responsible for half of any debt or purchase and sometimes the other person researches into our spending.

I was also terrified, FWIW, and did not want divorce but initiated it because of things I want for myself and children. Respect, real love, living authentically and removal of drama are some of those items that you will gain over the drama, deception and possible disease that's been brought into your lives. This I didn't understand at first.

Doing things without a lawyer is tough but they also provide other things, like respect from your X, depending on his personality. Mine is narcissistic and thinks I'm an idiot, so I usually only get respect with my lawyer's back up.

I, too, am a pragmatist and proactive person, though was stay at home mother for ten years, half the time I was with him. He controlled each and every penny even though I worked when I could and was not idle. Not showing emotions is a real skill that will benefit you a great deal. Crying and other things like anger are misunderstood at times and have been held against me. And x here thrives on my hardships and seeing me down.

We can never know how the person will respond when served and after, so all that you can start doing towards the emotions will be beneficial. X here actually made fun of me because he hid where he lived for a long time so I served him at a family member's house and he almost missed the deadline.

I wish you well and understand what a hard thing it is to do. It took me a whole year to decide, although I was brainwashed and lied to for a long time.

[This message edited by Ashland13 at 8:36 AM, April 26th (Saturday)]

alleyk posted 4/27/2014 02:08 AM

Its funny because throughout our relationship I have been the one trying to make sure we keep saving for our "future"... While in the meantime he has consistently been out having a grand ol time partying and spending money on booze etc. (and by etc. I mean I found some responses to craigslist personal ads...) Well, whatever. As it turns out, he's still been spending money left and right on musical equipment and gear (he is a musician by trade), and I think that means any stuff he's bought during our marriage I have 1/2 the right to.

dmari posted 4/27/2014 02:21 AM

Ugh. I am sorry that you are here and I am even more sorry that I can give you any advice. So I'm assuming you live in a no-fault state?

StillLivin posted 4/27/2014 02:23 AM

I suggest you see a financial advisor on how you can tie up money that he can't get, i.e. start investments for children's college so that it will go to them (if you have children). Pay off all debt. Even though it's money you wont' see either, it is legitimate and less that he can claim later with debt still pending.
I'm no financial advisor, they are the real experts at not doing anything illegal, but still keeping the money for what you want to spend it on...again children are highest priority if you have them.
I know I would rather be broke because of my kids getting college money, etc. instead of him and his whore getting it.

alleyk posted 4/27/2014 03:19 AM

Yes, no fault state... and I've made sure all our debt is paid off every month. Too smart?!

And we have no children - (I haven't wanted to until I saw he has been growing up himself, and that never happened)...

I always thought, in the back of my mind, that one of the reasons he chose me was that I was a savvy financially... I just had no idea he would ever betray me. So naive!! I feel completely used.

I have a savings account and a few retirement accounts I would love to protect for myself so I can walk away. Besides the equipment he bought/owns, he does have a bank account with his mother - its just the two of them on there, but our address is listed. His dad passed away and there are no other kids, and it contains the proceeds from the sale of a couple of his parent's properties. I don't think that can be considered inheritance or gift. Plus he has been using it for his own personal stuff, ie. restaurants, bars, atm withdrawals - at his leisure... I think I have a claim to it... what do you think?

[This message edited by alleyk at 3:32 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

Chrysalis123 posted 4/27/2014 04:52 AM

While in the meantime he has consistently been out having a grand ol time partying and spending money on booze etc.

One thing that I read over and over here is:

Don't expect anything different during divorce than you got during the marriage.

And in my experience....expect worse.

You need to see a lawyer to see where you stand. Often, consultations are free or low cost.

k8la posted 4/27/2014 06:30 AM

What if you put a condition on entertaining reconciliation - such as he had to get into a full time job that would go after skills he's lacking currently to truly do his music business justice.

I did this with my WH a year ago when I was looking at divorce - had just busted him for cheating. He's now been employed full time, and his business is starting to pick up. He's finding that he's actually pretty good with the new skills.

It may take more patience than you have to extend to him, given what you just found out. My crisis happened and I blew it up - didn't sleep at all the night when I found clear evidence of how far he'd gone. Told him the next morning to be out by that night or have a clear plan to earn his way back into the marriage. And that would include a full time job - no more time on his hands to entertain Craigslist ads! He had a job less than 10 days later, btw. (they're always hiring in sales - and they'll train on the job, even if he only gets paid minimum wage).

ETA - if he's not making enough as a musician to pay the bills, then he's not good at sales - hence the suggestion to move him toward a sales job where he'd get paid at least minimum wage while he gets trained.)

[This message edited by k8la at 6:31 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

alleyk posted 4/27/2014 14:32 PM

k8la - thanks for the advice. Sadly I've tried numerous times over the years, even set up job interviews, and he won't get a job. He thinks he's a rock star, and I've been enabling him.

An email I found recently from last year (when the 'troubles' started), he was telling a friend that I wanted to move but he wasn't sure, that even though it may be a good opportunity to make money instead of losing it, and it would "keep the wife happy", he considered just moving back in with his mother since "all I want to do is smoke weed, play music and bone". (His mother enables this) And I don't think he was talking about me on that last part about boning! I just don't know if I can ever get past the fact that I know now he has had numerous infidelities throughout our whole relationship, again while *I* have been working hard and handling biz!!

justinpaintoday posted 4/27/2014 14:37 PM

alleyk: Get a lawyer. Doing it yourself is possible but it's like filing your own taxes. The more complicated your financial situation, the more you'll leave on the table.

MissMouseMo posted 4/28/2014 00:14 AM

I agree with Just: get a lawyer.

You NEED a legal advocate to protect your interests. A simple divorce is fine to do alone. If you already have an agreement between the two of you, all you have to do is paperwork, but you are going to need a *champion* to fight for you through negotiations you're not trained to tackle.

Hire someone to protect you.

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