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Does it ever get out?

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DepressedDaddy posted 4/25/2014 22:34 PM

Things are still progressing great and I am proud of the progress I feel I am making every day. SI is a big part of that. Going to the JFO forum helps a ton as well. It reminds me of where I started and how much progress I have made. Everyone told me back then, I would get stronger and it would get better. At the time it was hard to believe, but looking back on my progress and what has happened over the last 5-6 months, I am astounded of where I am at.

Although revenge has crossed my mind at various times in this process, because the hurt is just so painful sometimes, I know it wouldn't really help with the long term pain, just provide short term relief. I know if revenge still sits in my mind it makes me normal, but it also means I am still holding onto some things that are preventing me from truly moving forward. The revenge that crosses my mind is nothing major, just things like telling people around us abut the WW's A. In ways I wish it could get out there, because then she would experience some pain like what she has inflicted on me.

I was just wondering, for those BS out there that had a WS leave for the OP, did the A eventually get out on its own? I fear sometimes that it will be just seen as a new relationship following the dissolution of our M. This OP in my case is also M, so therefore he is in the process of a D. I can only assume that people will eventually put two and two together. I do worry though that they don't and somehow my reputation somehow gets affected. I am basing this on a stereotype that woman are usually less likely to be at fault for failed M than men. I really shouldn't care, but it is one of those looming thoughts I have.

Anyone have any thoughts on this?

Harriet posted 4/25/2014 22:50 PM

Mine got out in a big way. It helped that my ex and my sisiter both worked in the same circle. His reputation is very tarnished now.

thebighurt posted 4/25/2014 23:01 PM

I tell people. I don't want them to think otherwise. Many knew because they saw or heard things and talked about it. Neighbors knew, I made sure my friends knew, and he told some of his family by an email that tried to make it sound like he was the victim and had to do it. Boohoo.

People told me they had heard we separated and how was I doing? So I told them. Most were shocked because they didn't know the truth. He told them that, "We sat down, talked, and decided that we had grown apart and it was time to D". I straightened it out in plain language so there was NO misunderstanding immediately! Most were totally shocked and disbelieving because this didn't fit with the person they had known. I know now that he never was that person. He had been doing it for years! I told them about the porn dating sites he was on, the other awful sites and that he had been trolling Craigslist for casual, anonymous sex for a long time. I figure there's no harm as long as I'm telling the truth.

I'm still telling people almost 3 years out when it's apparent they do not have the facts straight. Even sone people who went to their wedding barely 2 months after the D.

SBB posted 4/25/2014 23:26 PM

I told everyone post DD - OWUmpteem wasn't DDOW, she was his office gopher for the last 5 years (who stays in a very junior, junior role for 5 years?).

As much as it hurt I felt vindicated when he came out so soon with her - everyone knew what I had been dealing with at that point. He outed himself for the scumbag he is. All of his 'woe is me' crap only works on other cheaters and those who knew he was cheating the whole time. His company is very incestuous - lots of creepy fat old guys with wannabes.

Everyone else is laughing behind his back and calling her a fools gold digger.

Don't keep her secret. It's not your shame to bear. It's not revenge - it's the truth.

I think the main reason we don't want to tell is because we feel humiliated. I get it. This was deeply humiliating to me in the beginning. With time I've unburdened myself of that shame. HE is the one who he has humiliated. I was loyal, faithful and I acted with integrity throughout our relationship. Why on earth would I feel humiliated about that?

I wasn't a fool fooled - I was supposed to be able to trust my husband. He is the fool for betraying that trust, and his own integrity and morals. I had no hand in that.

I told everyone very quickly primarily so as to make R impossible should he decide to try to suck me in. It didn't work immediately but it did work in the end. It was very hard for me to face everyone when trying to R because I couldn't hide the truth. It freed me from being able to lie to myself.

IrishLass518 posted 4/25/2014 23:45 PM

In my situation, there was no way OW was going to be unknown to the masses. She made sure that the whole world knew xWH and she were in a "committed relationship" (her words not mine)despite the fact that they were both married at the time they started their A. She got pregnant (accidentally) when she and xWH (accidentally) fell in love, while they were both married to other people, but I digress. They are still married for the moment. They got married less than a year after D was final. I was fine with it and when someone asked me why I thought he was remarrying so soon I replied, "I guess he's trying to get it over with?"

norabird posted 4/26/2014 00:34 AM

I commend you for not wanting to act on revenge (and for your good work in JFO!), but telling the truth is not vengeful. Don't take out a billboard, or send a mass email to her work or anything...but simply speaking the truth if the question arises is only right. It is not your secret to hide or be ashamed of.

However I doubt she can experience the same pain that you are. Maybe one day via karma; but right now, I think the justification must lay so thick that little gets through to affect her.

deena posted 4/26/2014 00:53 AM

I second what norabird said.

I have found honesty is so relieving mentally.

Holly-Isis posted 4/26/2014 07:04 AM

IMO telling about the A isn't revenge. It's telling your part of your story. They made it your story when they cheated.

It's not your secret to keep. It's theirs. You don't owe them the silence.

sparkysable posted 4/26/2014 07:11 AM

I think the unremorseful WS's like to try to pretend that the relationship didn't start until after the M ended, but we all know that isn't the case.

The unremorseful WS's like to put their own spin on the situation, which was why I made damn sure EVERYBODY knew the truth.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/26/2014 08:11 AM

Thanks everyone! This is one of those areas that I know is so specific to each person, but I do appreciate the feedback. I have told some people about the A, mostly all family, but these were individuals that I knew were my main support group. It is going to be near impossible to keep it a secret for too much longer. It wasn't until this week that we announced our impending D. Prior to that, no one had any reason to question. We were being careful because our DD is involved. I'm okay with being with honest and not keeping secrets, but I really do not want it to affect our child more than it needs to.

I know my WW is going to spin her web, because she knows what she has done. She is also being very amicable right now in our D process. My main focus is to get through that.

People have just started to reach out to us. It won't be too much longer until things start coming out.

Thanks again for the input.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/26/2014 08:16 AM

I also have meetings with my L and my IC in the next week, so I can process this stuff a bit further.

I will agree with the idea that once you disclose to someone, it is cathartic. The people I have told, who are some of the people I care about most know the truth. Once I told them, it felt relieving. I was no longer the person that had to bear the weight of the situation.

norabird posted 4/26/2014 09:11 AM

Everyone who encounters you will see that you have been honorable and will admire your attitude. She may try to spin this so that you are at fault, but it am sure that the people who interact with you IRL will see what we see here at SI--a good family man with integrity. Your WW can attempt to change the perception and make herself a victim, or a woman just emancipating herself ( ), but a facade is never as convincing as the real deal. Have faith that your true character and hers will both be seen as they are in the court of public opinion.

DepressedDaddy posted 4/26/2014 09:33 AM

Thanks norabird. I do have the belief that you can't control what other people think, but you can control what you do as a reaction to your environment, therefore influencing the way they think.

My WW's walls are coming down one by one and this is getting real, really fast. Before long everyone will know what is going on and we'll see how much she is happy with her decision. I'm just happy that I have been working hard on myself and gaining from every experience that has been thrown my way. I just want to continue to get stronger through this process.

Thanks again for the support!

Sadmumma posted 4/26/2014 09:44 AM

*apparently* people were speculating that the baby I had 7 weeks prior to WH becoming 'single' was not his. I quashed that and outed the A to family /friends who would listen. If they weren't in hearing range I messaged them. For the most part, people aren't idiots. They used to hang out together at work and now... 11 weeks later they car pool.... Yeah. Blind Freddy can see what's going on there.

The people who don't know you... Who cares what they think. They are strangers on the street who wouldn't know you anyway...

Kajem posted 4/26/2014 13:13 PM

It got out when they got their marriage license the day after our divorce was final. Their announcement made the newspaper about 2weeks before our divorce did.

They still blame me for telling everyone.

ButterflyGirl posted 4/26/2014 14:06 PM

Even my hair stylist knows "I didn't like his girlfriend." Tell whoever you want..

Your wife is gonna lie about you. And some people will believe those. Can't help what "the masses" thinks. People you care about, you set them straight. Otherwise, try not to worry about people thinking the wrong thing about you. Indifference is what you should feel for people who don't matter, including your ex, and whoever she is currently with.

My ex is with OW, and I wish it was anyone but her, but everyone knows they both ruined their marriage and lost their family and friends for each other. Cuz that's what soulmates do for each other. Whatever. Good luck morons..

Klove posted 4/26/2014 14:12 PM

Yeah- when xwh moved out, everyone knew because they saw his car at his bro's house and never at home... Sooo, when they'd ask I just started crying and people pretty much put it together. I told people. He was/is pissed.
Oh, I'm sorry if the truth makes your life difficult.
Because your A certainly made mine difficult...

cmego posted 4/26/2014 15:07 PM

In the beginning, I went with what ex wanted to say, "We just grew apart." He wanted to "protect" the children and his career.

Well, I went along with that for a little while, and then, frankly, I just couldn't hold it in any longer. One set of friends asked me point blank if my ex had cheated on me, and I said "yes." Then I started crying, then it just tumbled out, "with men…".

From that point forward, I let the truth out. It wasn't my secret to hide, and I felt horrible hiding it. Now I am very open with what happened (depending on situation, obviously) and make no excuses.

It is pretty obvious now, since he is openly gay and rarely sees his kids.

*shrug* whatever. I got the good end of the deal. I got the kiddos.

SBB posted 4/26/2014 17:35 PM

Oh, I'm sorry if the truth makes your life difficult.
Because your A certainly made mine difficult...

The sad clown begged me not to tell anyone. What would they think???

They'd know what you are, dude. Not my problem.

I personally don't subscribe to this getting out impacting the kids. IMO they make up their own narratives if they aren't given the truth in an age appropriate way.

They are going to hear stuff and what if they hear lies?

My girls are too small to understand infidelity but they do know Daddy broke important promises to Mummy that husbands and wives aren't allowed to break. My 3.5 y/o put it together herself when she asked me if Daddy's promise was not to kiss Whaura. Prior to this the sad clown had told my girls we couldn't live together as a family because Mummy kissed other men.

Don't put it beyond them to lie to heir own kids.

sunsetslost posted 4/27/2014 09:33 AM

My friends and family know the whole story. Hers have no clue. I struggled with this for a bit, even quashed an almost outing that would've damaged STBX professionally.

One day I realized that I didn't care. I'll never see her friends or her family or her coworkers ever again. She's rewritten history, played the victim, taken their sympathy.
I promised her two things: everything would be absolutely fair and honest and her secret was safe with me. I didn't promise that for her, but because I don't care. Carrying that secret is her burden. It it gets out it won't be my fault.

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