I hope that you will see a counselor on your own, as well as seeing a MC with your spouse. You need to focus on what this event has done to YOU, and you need to focus on YOUR needs, not just the needs of the marriage.
As for that "didn't know it would hurt you" thing... I think many of us have heard that. My own understanding is that my WH was so selfish that he never even considered me. I was never a factor in his decision to f*** other people. That hurts alot, but not as much as when I believed he KNEW it would kill me and did it anyway.
There will be alot that is hard to understand, and stuff you won't believe.
I am sorry you had to join us here, but glad you found the site. Hugs to you, dear.
These are all stress reactions and while horribly upsetting, are understandable and normal. They will pass. Eventually, they will pass. You may feel like you're going crazy, but you aren't. (((hugs)))
FWIW, my FWH told me that he both knew that if/when I found out, it would hurt me, but that his intent was that he wouldn't be found out, so since he thought that he could hide it and thus "not hurt me," it would be somehow OK. It was a really f-ed up circular argument. And even knowing that I would be hurt, he had absolutely NO idea of what the phrase "hurt me" would entail when I found out. He was truly shocked and terrified at the pain that he caused. For which I'm glad, quite frankly.
Have you gotten a timeline yet? That was painful to read, for me, but it also was utterly necessary for me. I had to know. I had to know as much as I could and have the "mystery" taken out of my time with FWH. If he hasn't already prepared one, I would make that a priority demand that he do one in as much detail as possible, to be updated as he might remember things, since you don't have his communications. And I would not try to talk to the OW. Frankly, she has no reason to be truthful to you and her potential lies might leave things even more screwed up then they are.
D-Day, June 10, 2012
So much of what you write sounds similar to my experience. The physical symptoms will improve. Certainly not as fast as you would like, but they will ease with time. I'm about 7-8 weeks out from D-day and although my sleep isn't perfect, at least they are not all sleepless nights. And my anxiety and gastrointestinal symptoms have resolved.
Texting and sexting were a major part of my wife's affair with her tennis coach. I think she knew I was suspicious so she would delete only the inappropriate messages. This way if I checked I would find messages about tennis. And thus, not about their fling or the dirty texts. I really didn't know she was capable of that kind of deception. And this has been a very hard thing to reconcile with the person I married.
An affair is selfish behavior, I would suspect that your H didn't think about you, they were thinking about themselves. The WS doesn't visualize the aftermath and destruction they will create when their affair is discovered.
Hang in there and be strong, you are not alone
I don't have a lot of faith in counseling . . . but I do like that your WS seems to understand how much pain you are in. That is a very good sign.
The need for sleep meds, the anxiety, the stress . . . . this is all normal. we have all been through this. It will get better. The obsession, the pain . . . these things will fade.
Nuts and bolts to gaining a client's trust when one has never met this person before..
[This message edited by doggiediva at 4:32 PM, April 26th (Saturday)]
60 years young..
The greatest loss is the innocence of unconditional trust. This will take time to rebuild. If you can take time off work do so to heal. Also there are meds that can help through the beginning chaos.
I am a big fan of counseling if you get a good one. A compassionate counselor can guide you through the forest of emotions. I know many are opposed (my WW refused) but my IC has been a blessing.
Of course, you can drive yourself nuts monitoring the usual avenues that they used before D-Day, but they're not going to use the same ones again if they're still in touch - and possess more than 2 working brain cells. They'd have to be idiots.
I had blocked the OW from being able to call or text my ex on his cell, but she just worked around that and called him at work (which I had no control over). I think she also started using a friend's phone to text him when she couldn't on her own. I then blocked her from being able to email him when she resorted to email, and since he's not smart enough to be able to create a NEW secret web-based email account (which can be done in about 4 minutes) that became a dead avenue for them. But anyone with half a brain can create a new Yahoo or Hotmail account in literally no time flat.
Also, if your husband has an iPhone or a Smart Phone, there are lots of apps you can download to use and chat with, send files to each other, video chat with each other, or text each other - and none of it shows up on your cell bill. None of it.
Yup, thanks to modern technology, it's made cheating the easiest thing on earth to do, now.
Don't knock yourself out monitoring the accounts you already know about, Tremble. They'd have to completely brain dead to use one of those, now.
An option is to get a VAR (voice activated recorder) and hide it in his car. It's most common for cheaters to talk on the phone when they're alone in the car on the way to or from work, etc. etc.
It's unfortunate, but it's extremely rare that the cheater and their affair partner truly cut all contact after D-Day.
I think it SUCKS having to drive ourselves insane trying to monitor their sleazy behavior for our own peace of mind. I think the clear majority of us all go through that stage, however.
As far as him not knowing how deep this would cut when you found out, he knew it. But the thing is, cheaters truly believe they WON'T get caught so they won't HAVE to deal with the emotional fall-out. They know exactly how hard it would be on their spouses, and that's why they work so hard to keep it a secret. Otherwise, they'd come home and brag about it to you. So he knew. He was just hoping YOU would never know. That's Cheating #101.
It takes an incredible amount of energy to continually monitor someone after they've been caught cheating. I know exactly how crazy-making it is and how strong the compulsion IS to keep at it every single day.
The one thing I can tell you that helped me release a lot of that crazy obsession was coming to the realization that if someone really wants to do something bad enough, they're going to find a way to do it. Sure, I can throw a temporary monkey wrench into the works and thwart them from contacting each other for a day or two (blocking her number, blocking her email), but the simple truth is that people are going to do what they want to do regardless of how much we try to interfere.
And I also realized that I didn't WANT to try to control him like he was some 11 year old boy who needed me to monitor him to keep him from misbehaving. It's not my job to control him and make him do the right thing. If he doesn't WANT to do the right thing, then I need to find a way to deal with that, rather than compromising my mental and emotional well-being trying to make sure he's behaving 24/7.
That made a huge difference once I made that realization, and I was able to let a lot of the anxiety go. But I also left him, so in all fairness, that was a great motivator to let a lot of it go.
Good luck to you Tremble, as you try to navigate this crazy path we all find ourselves on.