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Newest Member: SuddenShock (61120)

User Topic: Taking my last
♀ 38673
Member # 38673
Default  Posted: 10:54 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I really need some advice. I'm begging for it. I'm at a cross road once again with the man of my life. I've been with him for 4 years now and were talking about getting married. Well the problem I was having a couple years back has resurfaced. I was dealing with emotional affairs. Him always surfing porn even while working. I learned that he got some naughty pictures from a coworker then he swears nothing happened. Then I was dealing with the "GodMother" of his kids who seems to be psychotic and is always interfering in our relationship. I battled cancer last year and ended up havin to have an emergency Hysterectomy due to it but have been cleared..thank God! But my dreams of having a baby with him are now over. My heart aches bad because while he was supportive, he assured me that he and I are together for life. The words he said to me where super sweet. Believable. So just when I thought things were on the right track, life changes. He's been traveling to Las Vegas for work for the past few months and even brought me out there to meet his boss and co workers. He came back home and we (He) bought a new car that I helped pay for and I wiped my 401k account. I have no money and NOTHING under my name. Well we've been having trouble in the bedroom where we really aren't intimate and the more I argue about intimacy the more he withdrawls. Last night his phone went off at 2:30am. Curious, I looked at it only to find that he's been chatting with old flams including people I didn't even think he was fooling around with. People I've invited into my home!!! One girl said she's been thinking about him and her together with her bent over and wishes she was in Vegas with him. He told her to hop on a plane. She said she wishes she could. But then I found some text messages with the GODMOTHER who he said he stopped talking to because of me. Well sure. She was sending him pictures of herself naked. We have our first cruise coming up that we've spent a yet paying for and now I can't get my money back for that and ive worked so hard to get it. I've had it and I want to leave but I don't want to but I'm tired of being his fool. I'm scared of being alone. I love him so much but he can't possibly love me and do this to me again. And now I have no car (because I got rid of mine to get his). I have no money. Rarely have any friends. I feel like me world has been turned upside down. Please help. Pleaseeee

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Chicago
♀ 42853
Member # 42853
Default  Posted: 10:59 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm terribly sorry. I hate that these people who "love" us can do this to us. Disgusting.

Did you confront him?

Posts: 262 | Registered: Mar 2014 | From: Raspberry
♀ 36549
Member # 36549
Default  Posted: 11:03 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I'm so sorry for what's been dumped on your plate. Just an FYI, it's a little slow here on the weekends so don't think you're being ignored.

Do you have any family or friends nearby? You should rally whoever you can around you and for now, don't confront. Clear your head first, take a breather and move from there.

Love yourself. You're worth it. Face your self. You need to do it.

Posts: 383 | Registered: Aug 2012
♂ 20687
Member # 20687
Default  Posted: 11:19 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

So sorry you are going through this. The pain is unbearable, I know.

For now, the best thing is to breath. Eat what you can and get as much sleep as you can. Exercise like a crazy person. And if you are so inclined, pray like never before.

I won't give you any direct advice on what to do, but I'll put it this way: If you had a friend going through what you are going through, what you advise them?

Good judgment comes from experience.
Experience comes from bad judgment.

Posts: 606 | Registered: Aug 2008 | From: the best place in the Whole Wide World!
♀ 41761
Member # 41761
Default  Posted: 11:25 AM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Sorry you are here, but glad you found us!

Stillstings is right, it can be a little slow on the weekend, so don't feel like we aren't all here for you.

There's a really good post that's been bumped in the general section that you should read. Here is the link so you can read it. It's called "Calling all BS's..." BS is betrayed spouse (or partner, GF, BF whatever), in case you didn't know.)

I'm sure others will come along with better advice than I, but I would really recommend reading the 180 in the healing library. The 180 is FOR YOU, NOT HIM. Right now you need to focus only on yourself. Forget him.

You cannot "nice" your WBF back into the relationship, so don't waste your breath and dignity trying.

Don't forget to take care of yourself. Don't forget to eat, drink plenty of water and get sleep when you can.

Also, this is one of my favorite SI posts of all time. I recommend it to a lot of new members because I'm nearly a year from DDAY and I STILL read this post about once a week. It helps me. It's called "Honey, they always affair down" Please read it!!

As far as your cruise goes...I have no idea what to say about that...maybe you can call the company and at least get your dates changed so you can go with someone else next year or something? Who's name is it under? Did you guys pay together, or separate? Or at least if they let you change it to a date next year, you'll have some time to figure out a girlfriend you can go with or something. I've never been in a situation like that so I'm not sure what the protocol is. But I'm sure you don't want to be stuck on a ship in the middle of the ocean with him right now...Try to change it, and if you can't, then let him go by himself.

Sending you some strength today Justhisfool. You are not alone. And as much as it doesn't seem like it, you will be OK. It gets better. You will not feel the same as you do right now for the rest of your life. Just take everything one day at a time. Don't think about tomorrow or next week, month or year. Just take it day by day. That's all anyone can do. We are here for you!

Always know if the juice is worth the squeeze...

ME: 33
WBF: 30
Together 10 years
1 doggie, 1 Cat
DDay: June 24, 2013
IN R...Working at it every day.

Posts: 818 | Registered: Dec 2013 | From: Pennsylvania
♀ 33867
Member # 33867
Default  Posted: 1:48 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Infidelity causes so much pain and fear. Please try to remind yourself that you will be okay. Make yourself a priority right everything that you do.

If you are able, I would encourage you to find an IC to help you navigate through all of this. You need to talk with someone. If IC is not possible, turn to a trustworthy friend or family member, and continue to seek assistance here.

You deserve better....believe this.

Wishing you strength.

ME: 57 BS
HIM: 64 WH
Married: 32 years
D'Day: 10/29/10
in R 6 years and it's working but he is putting 200% into it (as he should) to make it right again.

The truth hurts, but I have never seen it cause the pain that lies do.

Posts: 2439 | Registered: Nov 2011
♀ 32214
Member # 32214
Default  Posted: 6:35 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You need to get away from this guy. I know you are in a horrible position financially, but he is the one who got you there.

Listen to all of the advice here about taking care of your health and then TODAY think of one thing that you can do towards getting out of there and back to being independent. Even if it is just stuffing away ten bucks. Then every day do something that will make it easier for you to leave if you have to.

Your situation just makes me angry. That a guy could treat you this way....

Me - BS
Him - FWS
DD - December 14, 2010
Married 43 years 1/14/2011
Affair lasted 7+ years
Affair had been over for 2 years before I found out. OW sent me a letter.

Posts: 1373 | Registered: May 2011 | From: Kansas
♀ 43064
Member # 43064
Default  Posted: 8:21 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

All I can say is he is driving a new car and you got rid of yours? Wow, not good. You also wiped your 401K for him and he is not married to you so you have no legal commitment with him, yet you are over the top generous to this guy. Please stop your gravy train for him. I am old fashioned maybe but I still believe an able bodied man can pay for his own shit, especially a car. It's just not right. You will be ok without him. It is hard to think of that right now but when a little time passes you will feel better. You are pretty successful if he is taking your money. You had to do something to make the money in the first place. Don't let him take advantage of you anymore is all I can say.

Him: WS, 51 EA/PA 2.5 years
D Day 3/10/14 N/C broke (phone/email) 6/14-10/14
Me: BS 52
OW: Banana Republic whore
Status: R or D Praying for answers
Betrayal: so painful it should be a crime - 12 months in prison.

Posts: 274 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: State of Distrust
♀ 23998
Member # 23998
Default  Posted: 8:42 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

First: Take his name off the non refundable cruise that you paid for and invite a girlfriend.

Secondly: For future reference, never empty your 401k to buy a boyfriend a new car.

Thirdly: Love yourself a little more than you "love" him. I say that in quotes because your relationship does not seem to be based on love. You seem to be dependent on him and he appears to be using you. You are "tired of being his fool, scared of being alone" "love him so much . . . .but he can't possibly love me and do this to me again . . . " You're right, this is not love.

Your world has been turned upside for a reason. Karma is telling you GET OUT!! GET OUT NOW!! This sick relationship is the reason you a) have no money b) rarely have any friends c) feel your world has been turned upside down.

Let go of the noose (and the guy tightening it around your neck), focus on yourself, get to know, love and respect yourself, and your life will change for the better with real friends.

Posts: 1303 | Registered: May 2009
♀ 38121
Member # 38121
Default  Posted: 8:57 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them. He's shown MANY TIMES who he is. Believe it.

You're being used to help finance his new car and cruises and everything else. NEVER, EVER do that for any guy you're not married to. And especially, NEVER empty out your 401k account - EVER - for a frivolous purchase like a car.

USE this as a lesson to never, ever do that again.

Just because you've been tapped out by a scammer doesn't mean you don't have options. You DO. Your 401k is for retirement, not for immediate needs like your own apartment or a car, etc. So thinking you can't leave this rotten person just because your 401k is drained is erroneous thinking. Hell, without him in your life sucking every dollar you have, you'll eventually be able to rebuild your 401k. So that's a temporary problem, not a permanent one.

Secondly, as another suggested, take a person you love and who loves and RESPECTS you on your cruise with you, not Mr. User. He's a lying, cheating, using opportunist and nothing more, so don't hand him one more RED CENT.

Lastly, it's unfortunate that you chose to make him the center of your universe which adversely affected your capacity to make friends outside your relationship (you say you don't really have any friends). One thing you'll learn in life is that friends are forever but boyfriends and husbands are never a sure bet.
Sadly, that's another hard lesson you'll learn from this relationship and hopefully not allow it to happen again in your next.

You know you need to go. To stay and forgive him - yet again - just sends the message that you're too weak to stand up for yourself and too in love with him to the point where you'll compromise your own pride and self respect.

Don't be that doormat for ANYONE.


Be careful - that 'knight in shining armor' may very well be nothing more than an assclown wrapped in tin foil.
ME: 50+ years old and cute as a button :-)
Ex-WBF: Just a lying, cheating, gravy-sucking pig - and I left him in 2012.

Posts: 6327 | Registered: Jan 2013 | From: USA
♀ 43242
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 9:59 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I know you love him, I feel your tremendous pain, and I am so very sorry that you find yourself in such a terrible situation. You deserve so much better. And none of this is your fault.

Here are the facts you describe: this man's actions show you that he does NOT love you, no matter what his words say. He has betrayed you before, is betraying you now, and will continue to betray you for as long as you let him.

You need to leave, car or no, money or no. Being alone is MUCH better than being with someone who treats you so badly. Do you have at least one friend or family member who you could stay with temporarily?

And go on that cruise, sweetie, but take someone who is good to you. You deserve it!

Me & WH: 50, married 20+ years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are too broken to be fixed.

Posts: 776 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 38673
Member # 38673
Default  Posted: 10:33 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Thank you all so very much for the support. I'm in complete agony. I'm the type of person that when something hurts me, it's written all over my face. I've been rather quiet these past few days and he's been asking me each day what is bothering me. Yesterday he mentioned going on our cruise and asked me how I felt. I told h I miss I wish it was sooner. He then asked "why are you planning on leaving me after we get back?" Hmm now why would he ask that. GUILT. I continued to tell him that nothing is bothering me (when I really just want to blurt it out at the top of my lungs) but I haven't. So this evening, he didn't say much to me and just left the room. After about an hour, I noticed that he was gone and realized that he had gone to bed. I couldn't hold much in. I expressed how this relationship is hanging by a thread and how he doesn't seem to care. All he responded was that he's been trying to ask me what's bothering me and since I won't tell him he said he would rather just leave me alone. I told him I felt he was cheating and all he said was "I'm not. Now can you just argue with me tomorrow and leave me alone and let me what TV until I fall asleep". Angry, I expressed how he is acting like he doesn't care and all he could do was shrug his shoulders and say he just wasn't in the mood to argue. He claims he's not doing anything but then states "do whatever you feel is best".

IM SO DEVASTATED! !!!! His words are like a sharp dagger to om my heart.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Chicago
♀ 38673
Member # 38673
Default  Posted: 10:42 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I just also learned that he has secret email accounts. Now tomorrow when he decides to talk with me, do I confront him with my findings or stay shut? I'm such a nervous wreck inside because all I can think about is all he has done while he's been away and how he's leaving to Vegas again on Thursday for 2 weeks and how he's just gonna be talking to everyone and sexting. I'm so crushed!!! God please give me the strength to stop loving this man and just walk away. And his kids love me and I take care of ten while he's gone only for him to treat me this way. Help!!!

I wanna scream at the top of my lungs.

Posts: 11 | Registered: Mar 2013 | From: Chicago
♀ 42971
Member # 42971
Default  Posted: 10:48 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

When someone shows you who they ARE, believe them. He's shown MANY TIMES who he is. Believe it.

Absolutely THIS!!! I am coming to terms with this myself about my own husband. I told him and myself that infidelity would be a deal-breaker for me. He decided to have an EA and I have spent the last five months trying to "reconcile." I see no way for it to happen. I always wondered if infidelity (EA or PA) would really be a deal-breaker for me. Turns out, it is. I plan on filing for divorce this coming week.

You have to stand up for yourself, JustHIsFool. Do NOT let yourself be a fool for himself anymore. I know it's hard because you're in a difficult position but you must find a way. He is going to destroy you if you let him. Do NOT let him do that to you. You are an awesome, inspiring, beautiful person - you deserve better than what that POS is doing to you. Hugs!!!

Posts: 76 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 43252
Member # 43252
Default  Posted: 11:04 PM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I realize I'm new here as well but I just wanted to say that I feel your pain especially when discovering a secret email account. You are discovering basically another identity to this person you never knew existed. I feel right there with you. I wish you brighter days ahead as I'm not much more helpful with the advice like the others on here!

Dday March 11, 2014. Found out my husband of almost 10 years was having an affair, first emotional then physical for 6 months.
Divorced 2/2016

Posts: 2476 | Registered: Apr 2014
Topic Posts: 15

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