Forum Archives

Return to Forum List

I can't see to stop thinking about what happened.

You are not logged in. Login here or register.

Lost1960 posted 4/26/2014 13:32 PM

I recently divorced after being in a relationship for 35 years. I thought I knew the man I have known since I was 18 yrs old. In February of 2011 I found out that he was having an online affair with an old friend. I stated quite clearly throughout our relationship that I wanted him to leave me out of respect before becoming involved with someone else. I knew the devastation I would feel, if I were betrayed.

Ever since I found out about his on line activities he has become a person I do not recognize. He has never apologized and said we would talk about what happened after we divorce. We have yet to have this discussion even though the divorce was finalized in July 2013.

My issues are how to deal with what my life was like for 35 years. A joke? I asked him to show me the emails and he did. It was clear that he was dealing with a woman who wanted attention from as many men as she could and told me herself that she never intended to have a relationship with him and that she thought he was obsessed with her. She threw him right under the bus.

In one of the emails he was telling her about my health issues. I have a benign tumor that had me hysterical. He thought that it would be helpful for me if he used humor about my tumor. I biggest fear was having to have surgery to remove the tumor. But,in one email he told her that he suggested using a butter knife to open my head and remove the tumor or he could insert a pop top lid and just pull the lid to remove my tumor. I told him to stop making these remarks. They were upsetting to me. So, in his email to his friend he was explaining this to her and said that the mistake was he should have suggested a melon baller to remove the tumor!!!! When I asked him about this comment and he did not apologize, but said instead that the email was not written for me to see.

His unrecognizable behavior and treatment of me has left me devistated. Emotionally and financially. I ended up committing my self for suicidal thoughts. He knew of my plan. Did not tell me to get help or tell other people. What he did do was try and blackmail me into giving him my life insurance to care for our cat. She was all I cared about.

I am seen by a neuropsychiatric and I am very good about taking my meds. I also see a counselor. Despite all this I am having a very hard time moving on. Was 35 years of my life for not? And I cannot get over how he could joke about my brain tumor. I thought he loved me. How could he make that comment.

Any advice would be appreciated.

norabird posted 4/26/2014 14:32 PM

It takes time to process the magnitude of this kind of loss. It is hard to accept that they aren't who you thought. At so e point, you'll be able to see the good in your time together, but that will take time too. And it's what you do with the time also. Have you read any books on healing? Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Stosny is a start. It's hard to turn the channel from obsessive thoughts but they will on,y drag you down. It's good you are getting help--keep striving to get to a better place, and try and look less into the past and more into what you want for your future. He may never give you the closure you want. To some degree you have to rewrite the narrative yourself. Building a new life is a big part of that.

It's not easy but you must do it. Have you gone no contact with him? That will speed up your healing--if you haven't, stop all communication. It frees up your mental space to think about you.

caregiver9000 posted 4/26/2014 15:27 PM

First, welcome. Sorry you had to find this group.

I don't know how to explain the Wayward behavior. Some of it is beyond explaining? Maybe the jokes were to dehumanize you so he could justify his treatment of you. Maybe joking hid a fear he couldn't face. Maybe he is just a garden variety asshole.

Someone once told me to stop trying to make sense out of nonsense. His treatment is NONSENSE. How dare he?? Seriously, how dare he...

You had a long term relationship and now it is over. That is a huge life change. Take care of yourself and be kind to you.


Kajem posted 4/26/2014 16:18 PM

Welcome to the place no one wants to belong! It's the place that total strangers will care about you enough to validate you as well as give you some tough love.

CG has it right: you can't make sense from nonsense. It will make you crazy.

You've been in a relationship for 35 years, you can't just turn those feelings off. There's habits to unlearn that go along with a relationship that long. It almost feels like an addiction, you go to pick up the phone to call him, realize that your not married anymore and put the phone down. With enough time (that dreaded word) you'll catch yourself before you dial, then before you reach for the phone, then the thought will stop you. Eventually you won't think about calling him and days will go by before something reminds you.

It's a process, not linear but 2steps forward 1 to 3 steps back.

He obviously wasn't thinking about you during his affair or he wouldn't have had it. He lies, he lied to you! Why would he give honesty to the AP? It makes no sense! I know my XH was not honest with the ow, she thinks he was cause he told her he was! But she doesn't trust him, wonder why?

His lies about you are not a reflection of you- they are a reflection of his character and integrity. He doesn't have any!

Be gentle with yourself, it's a process that takes time.


PurpleRose posted 4/26/2014 16:39 PM

I am sorry you find yourself here. We understand the pain and grief of trying to piece together a life you thought you had, only to discover you really had lies and infidelity.

Something that helped me move past the pain of what my ex said about me is:

What other people say about you is none of your business.

Harsh? Yes.
Painful to hear? Absolutely.
Difficult to believe? Hell yes!

But once I realized that he said nasty things about me behind my back because he is a broken man who will always be a liar and a cheater, it made my life easier. That is who he is, and nothing he says about me makes a lick of difference to me or my life.

Lost1960 posted 4/26/2014 17:12 PM

Thank you all for the kind words and support. What he has said and did is nonsense. I spent many hours trying to " put a square peg in a round hole." How could the man I knew for many years do this? Many, many others said this as well. Then I thought that there is a part of this man I will never know and is capable of doing this.

It will not deter from remembering the many good times we had together. I guess when he was at an in pass in the road, he thought only of himself. It is nonsense.

caregiver9000 posted 4/26/2014 17:17 PM

It is nonsense!! Confirmed.

I was telling the details of some action or another to a bff. She listened and listened and after a stunned silence, she said, "do you think he has a brain tumor? seriously??"

It has been four years and there is no brain tumor. It is just nonsense and more nonsense. Unfortunately.

Lost1960 posted 4/26/2014 20:18 PM

Thank you. You made me laugh. I think I will use that line about him having the brain tumor. Perfect retort.

norabird posted 4/27/2014 00:07 AM

Good for you for not letting him steal your good memories. Now...time to make new memories, for yourself.


Return to Forum List

© 2002-2018 ®. All Rights Reserved.