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My friend: an ow, now a bgf

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reallystruggling posted 4/26/2014 16:08 PM

my childhood friend was a OW. this caused major problems between us, even before i found out about my XH's affairs. obviously i didnt approve of her behavior.
the MM left his wife for my friend. my friend and this man have been living together for years and have a child togther. she called today to tell me he is cheating with his exBW.
my reaction: "this surprises you?". gah. i honestly dont know how to support her. i understand her grief but shit, she made this bed. i love her. i hate her past choices. but i love her. and i cant support her through this.

PurpleRose posted 4/26/2014 16:47 PM


I am 100% sure I could not sympathize or empathize with a friend in that situation either. I am of no help to you, but wanted you to know I don't think it would be wrong if you could NOT help her through that.

Stillstings posted 4/26/2014 17:53 PM

my reaction: "this surprises you?".

That may be a good place to start believe it or not. Lots of APs who get their OP's don't really think if they'll cheat for you, they'll cheat on you.

Think about it from the Wayward POV. OMG! I am so special, I got him/her to leave their husband/wife/children if there any for ME!! He/she must REALLY love me and think I'm special! They love me so much they'd never do it to me! Nobody understands our love, it's special and true, hate on haters, you're just jealous no one destroyed lives for me!

Sounds like she could use a reality check to get her head on straight. Whether you want to deliver it is up to you.

StillLivin posted 4/27/2014 00:19 AM

My friend went through so much drama with her M BF years ago before the broke up for good. Gag, wish there was a male version of the word mistress because he cannot truly be a BF if he has a WIFE!
Anywhoo, she did some work on herself and states she will never be an OW ever again.
Then she got with her now XBF. He was a real dog. He cheated over and over. She has actually caught him in the act in their bed with more than one OW. Her first statement that I had to set her straight on was after they broke up for the millionth time. He is "engaged" (to make her jealous) to a new GF. She told me, "I wish these whores would just leave MY BF and baby's father alone. I know we could make it work if they would stop throwing themselves at him. And as for this whore, I should kick her ass for dating a man with a GF and a baby."
I pointed that his intended had a ring which makes her his legitimate woman.
Then she asked, "What did I ever do to deserve this?"
I do try to give her gentle 2 X 4s. But sometimes her refusal to see what she does to contribute to her own self destruct path is frustrating. I also told her I cannot ever again be friend's with her if she were ever the OW with another M man.
All you can do is pray for them and try to support them with some gentle and not so gentle truth.

norabird posted 4/27/2014 09:35 AM

Maybe send her over to read at Baggage Reclaim? The writer there was an OW before she got her head straight so her perspective on how backward the thinking is may sink in where your perspective can't.

If you can't support her though, it's only fallout from her own bad choices. At a certain point friendship can be it's own enablement. Sorry she can't get the bigger picture and that you're having to deal with this

damncutekitty posted 4/27/2014 13:09 PM

I disagree that now is the time for a dose of "I told you so." I suppose it all depends on how important this friendship is to you.

I was raised in a religious family. In my 20s I dabbled in alternative religions before just giving up on faith altogether. My mother has never been able to condone my "abandonment" of the faith I was raised in. When I was going through my D she told me that I deserved what I was dealing with (my XH cheating and the subsequent D) and that "god" was punishing me.

I wish my mom had been able to set aside her judgements regarding my life choices and been able to just be there for me during one of the most painful periods of my life. But she has her beliefs and they are not going to change, even for her kids.

She was the opposite of supportive and it honestly just added to the pain I was experiencing. I'm sure she thought that was I needed was a little "I told you so" to turn me back to the lord. But really it was just incredibly hurtful. I went through a period where we did not speak, and honestly our relationship is forever damaged. Honestly if she was not my mother she would not be in my life. I have never really forgiven her.

[This message edited by damncutekitty at 1:10 PM, April 27th (Sunday)]

Gemini71 posted 4/27/2014 13:32 PM

You can love someone and not support them. Don't even bother trying. I loved my xBFF more than my sisters. I knew she was in an open marriage and I tried to support her even though I didn't approve. Didn't stop her from sleeping with my H. Ouch.

BTW, I love your reply

this surprises you?

nolight posted 4/27/2014 18:51 PM

How much does your friendship mean to you?

If you want to remain friends I think it would be best to explain to her that you love her but because of your experience will find it too difficult to support her through this. I think if you take the "I told you so" route you will lose her friendship for good.

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