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itstoomuch posted 4/26/2014 22:13 PM

Been pretty consistent with 180. While I am yearning to be closer to FWH, I haven't had any "fits" or suicidal thoughts. So I consider that a huge plus. At least I am doing better for myself- giving me a much needed personal calm.

Husband has initiated discussions a couple times over last couple weeks. He is POd. It's shaking him up a lot that I've purposely withdrawn from him and am going about my business. I should note also that he has made attempts to let me know when he'll be coming home, says I love you & hugs me every morning, brought me home a couple small things he knew I needed or would like... I can tell he is confused and uncomfortable not having me respond like I have. I can see it in his eyes (Like he's losing his footing-he's getting irritated his uneasiness) he's mad that Now that I am thinking clearly, I'm deliberately not returning the I love you's etc...Those discussions have turned into arguments and I have cried (broke that 180 rule - sorry), but in the end I answered his question and restated to him what I have asked for (MC) and what I'm willing to think about if he can't commit to work with me in R (D).

He thinks I'm using MC as my last ditch effort to appease my conscience to file for D. (Not at all!!) He hates that I have given him ultimatum (which I disagree it was- it was more like a wake up call that we need to seriously get help for our M or it will not survive). His response: how bout I give you ultimatum and say if you flip out or say you are going to kill yourself again, I'll file for D! My response: what a selfish man!!

I would love to say if you lie to me again, play an online game again... I'll leave. But I really think it's more selfish of me to give my list if dos and don'ts. I am just asking that we have a third person (MC) help us work they our pain and struggles etc. It's not like I want to go crazy and want to die and make life awful for me and him! Sigh. Wish he could step back and see when I'm like that I truly hurt that bad and feel that way.

Few days ago he finally said he'd go with me to MC. I've gone twice without him so far. We have appointment thurs afternoon. I also am receiving an award from college I graduated from, and he asked if he'd go with me same thurs night to the dinner. So I guess that will help: no matter what goes on at appointment we will have to pull it together and go to this dinner together. Hopefully it will be beneficial at the end of the day. He also is getting vas done fri- finally! This has been another point of frustration for me for last 2 years; very glad he hasn't backed out in light of my recent attempt at 180.

Not sure I previously mentioned that I also had left book How to help your spouse heal after your affair in his car about month ago & also printed off copy of Understanding your betrayed spouse from healing library and just laid it in front of him a few weeks ago too. Never said a word bout either to him, but he told me this week he has read both.

He's made some nice compliments to me last few days and he's given a couple long hugs in addition to the am goodbyes & I've let him. Atm trying to decide if I should let up on 180 a little since he said he'd go MC and we have appt. Or if it would be better to hold off & see how that first session goes... But honestly as soon as I think I'll connect for a minute, he ticks me off again- so it's best I just keep distance and mouth shut.

A friend also offered maybe to take me away on girls only weekend- just us - in a couple weeks. Think that would be fun. Also lining up some job shadowing experiences and have a Certification class/test this Monday for 7 hours. So still lots for me to do and keep busy.

Thanks for those who have encouraged me and care- helps to know someone (even if I don't really know you guys) does.

[This message edited by itstoomuch at 12:33 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

brkn_heartd posted 4/27/2014 22:34 PM

Great job on maintaining your 180. It sounds like you are benefiting from it. Remember, it is about you and building your own personal strength. I am sure he is getting worried...he see's your strength building. Continue doing what you are doing. Do not cave on him as he starts to react. Hold your boundaries that you have set. You mentioned he hugs might be careful with the physical contact too. However, that is your choice.

Hang in there!

peoplepleaser posted 4/28/2014 09:04 AM

Good work! I know how difficult it is. Your one term was that he attend MC, so if he shows up and is invested I would probably let up on the 180 in ways that seem appropriate given his efforts. I'm KMFX for it to go well!

peoplepleaser posted 4/28/2014 09:04 AM


[This message edited by peoplepleaser at 9:04 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 4/28/2014 11:49 AM

Keep the faith are growing stronger, even though you feel weaker at times. Trust me.....I have seen this pattern in myself.

21 months out here....still feeling my way back into relationship with my wife.

Sexual intimacy is still clunky. I still get a bit nervous with the "I love you"'s too. Vulnerable feeling, but am assurred this is normal.

MC has helped us. We have been to three therapists over the past 21 months....80-90 sessions. Early on my wife was just going through the motions. Honestly, a main driver for signing us up for Retrouvaille was that I knew it was a pre-requisit to granting a I reasoned that it would not be a total waste of time or money even if nothing good came of it.

It is confusing to all involved.....changing our modes of operation (coping mechs). Our journey, like many other BS's is that of change within the BS first, then the fWS follows. No guarantees of that ever happening....we can just control ourselves.

What you are learning to do is self-soothe. Choose self-control.....and I know it is dang hard.

For decades I didn't do much of this....didn't know how, didn't know I needed too. Yep, I was that broken myself.

180 is about fixing yourself....and not just distanicing yourself from the toxic state your spouse gets into while engaging in adultery and adultery-related practices.

I will say a specific prayer for you both now.

You will be pleased with how effective 180, when done in healthy, non-manipulative ways, is at improving your health and the health of your other relationships.

THAT was a bonus I didn't "see" my other relationships improve! Those improved faster than my marital relationship has....but that too is common amoun SI'ers.

Nice to be "common" and "normal" in some ways again....isn't it?


[This message edited by blakesteele at 11:50 AM, April 28th (Monday)]

blakesteele posted 4/28/2014 12:02 PM

Oh....and don't assume the MC that is helping you is the right one to help you BOTH.

I have found that they run their courses....and some run them pretty quickly.

We saw a sex therapist for a short while. She was a CSAT (which agreed with me as I used porn in my past) and an infidelity specialist.

She submitted to me in IC that porn and masturbation were not bad for all who use and partake in it....and she had my full sexual history in written form, knew that I really desired to stay away from my destructive choices of my past. Last think I needed or wanted was someone telling me "its not that bad".

She suggested to us in MC that we have "affair-like" sex". That is the last thing we needed to hear too......made it sound as if there was a redeeming value to affairs, that we should cheapen our "new" marriage in similar fashion. yuck.

We kept going to her for a couple more sessions after that latest advice....just in case she mis-spoke. She didn't. Very new-age, very "lets do what feels good" type of attitude.

Unfortunately, my wife and I did that way of M for 15 years......really, really didn't work for us.

I smile....but it sucks how ignorant we were.

"You cannot grow past what you do not know.".

Point is our own twisted minds that took our marriage where it went. We would be foolish to think it would be these same two minds that got us out of where they took us.

Certainly, internal work and our mind play a part....but quality sheparding is needed.

I am a fan of therapy, Retrouvaille and Weekend To Remember type of weekends.....I also read a lot.

Post was a key to my 180.


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