Been pretty consistent with 180. While I am yearning to be closer to FWH, I haven't had any "fits" or suicidal thoughts. So I consider that a huge plus. At least I am doing better for myself- giving me a much needed personal calm.
Husband has initiated discussions a couple times over last couple weeks. He is POd. It's shaking him up a lot that I've purposely withdrawn from him and am going about my business. I should note also that he has made attempts to let me know when he'll be coming home, says I love you & hugs me every morning, brought me home a couple small things he knew I needed or would like... I can tell he is confused and uncomfortable not having me respond like I have. I can see it in his eyes (Like he's losing his footing-he's getting irritated his uneasiness) he's mad that Now that I am thinking clearly, I'm deliberately not returning the I love you's etc...Those discussions have turned into arguments and I have cried (broke that 180 rule - sorry), but in the end I answered his question and restated to him what I have asked for (MC) and what I'm willing to think about if he can't commit to work with me in R (D).
He thinks I'm using MC as my last ditch effort to appease my conscience to file for D. (Not at all!!) He hates that I have given him ultimatum (which I disagree it was- it was more like a wake up call that we need to seriously get help for our M or it will not survive). His response: how bout I give you ultimatum and say if you flip out or say you are going to kill yourself again, I'll file for D! My response: what a selfish man!!
I would love to say if you lie to me again, play an online game again... I'll leave. But I really think it's more selfish of me to give my list if dos and don'ts. I am just asking that we have a third person (MC) help us work they our pain and struggles etc. It's not like I want to go crazy and want to die and make life awful for me and him! Sigh. Wish he could step back and see when I'm like that I truly hurt that bad and feel that way.
Few days ago he finally said he'd go with me to MC. I've gone twice without him so far. We have appointment thurs afternoon. I also am receiving an award from college I graduated from, and he asked if he'd go with me same thurs night to the dinner. So I guess that will help: no matter what goes on at appointment we will have to pull it together and go to this dinner together. Hopefully it will be beneficial at the end of the day. He also is getting vas done fri- finally! This has been another point of frustration for me for last 2 years; very glad he hasn't backed out in light of my recent attempt at 180.
Not sure I previously mentioned that I also had left book How to help your spouse heal after your affair in his car about month ago & also printed off copy of Understanding your betrayed spouse from healing library and just laid it in front of him a few weeks ago too. Never said a word bout either to him, but he told me this week he has read both.
He's made some nice compliments to me last few days and he's given a couple long hugs in addition to the am goodbyes & I've let him. Atm trying to decide if I should let up on 180 a little since he said he'd go MC and we have appt. Or if it would be better to hold off & see how that first session goes... But honestly as soon as I think I'll connect for a minute, he ticks me off again- so it's best I just keep distance and mouth shut.
A friend also offered maybe to take me away on girls only weekend- just us - in a couple weeks. Think that would be fun. Also lining up some job shadowing experiences and have a Certification class/test this Monday for 7 hours. So still lots for me to do and keep busy.
Thanks for those who have encouraged me and care- helps to know someone (even if I don't really know you guys) does.
[This message edited by itstoomuch at 12:33 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]