Topic: Breaking my codependency
Member # 43090
| Posted: 10:21 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014|
Tonight I sat at my apartment all by myself. I spoke to some friends, but balanced my immediate needs with the long-term goals of my friendships. I am not helpless or hopeless. To convey that message to my friends in order to feel validated does not teach me how to validate myself. I am practicing validating my own feelings. It's difficult when my feelings were validated for so long by my WW. Not anymore. All these feelings.....
I am doing it the right way, too. I am not jumping into another relationship or doing anything that I will regret, which makes it that much more difficult.
knockeddown, but not out
Me- BS 28 Always faithful
Her- WS 29
2 mo.? PA
Married 5 years (lived together 9)
Marriage Dissolved - 10/9/2014
Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
Member # 28571
| Posted: 11:41 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014|
It is hard to get to that place man. Don't lose that place.
"He didn't say "That's weird." He wouldn't have said "That's weird" if a flock of sheep had cycled past playing violins. It wasn't the sort of thing a responsible engineer said." - Good Omens
Posts: 7825 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
Member # 40306
| Posted: 11:43 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014|
It's hard to break that pattern. Over the years I've learned not to trust my own thoughts or judgement about what is and is not ok/appropriate.
I think it takes practice in the beginning. For me, anyway. It also takes me checking in with my friends and my therapist multiple times to ask if something is ok/not ok.
Not being codependent is a really different experience... When I really grasp it, I think it will be very cool.
I hope it's very cool for you too.
Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 aka CAT- colossal asshat; Married 22 years
D-day: July 17, 2013, with TT to follow
D filed July 16, 2014, 363 days later than I should have
Wait for The Lord; be strong and take heart. Wait for the Lord.
Posts: 1839 | Registered: Aug 2013
Member # 43244
| Posted: 12:30 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014|
I had a hard time with that coming out of my last relationship. It took a long time to learn how to be alone and how to be myself. Way to go!!!
One thing that really helped me was finding something I could enjoy doing alone. Knitting, reading, writing, watching a good movie, etc. I had to teach myself to develop interests that didn't involve other people.
Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2014
Member # 21101
| Posted: 1:38 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014|
You have to learn how to be happy being you. Doing what you like for you and enjoying who you are without the validation of others. When you do that the codependency slips away and you become strong, confident, and happy.
This sets the table for a happy, drama free, good life. You won't ever let Someone treat for less than you are. You will find that doing new things will help in this endeavor.
Kids: 15 & 17
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
Fully R'd, and Happy Happy Happy
Posts: 9414 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
Member # 42856
| Posted: 8:18 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014|
You are off to a great start! I totally get how you're feeling. Finding yourself on your own after having defined yourself through another person is so very hard. I'm right there too. All of who I've become over these past ten years was/is completely intertwined with my WH. Now I'm trying to figure out how much of that is truly ME and what I need to let go of and seek out interests for myself. It's a work in progress.
Keep up the good work! (((knockeddown)))
Me - 43
WH - 41
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Divorce from the ass is in progress!
You can see more of my story on my blog here: http://thatcraftylunchlady.com/?p=833
"Never give up hope and let time heal you"
Posts: 340 | Registered: Mar 2014
Member # 43242
| Posted: 10:24 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014|
Love it! I hope I get to that place one day, too. Let us know what the secret is, once you've mastered it.
Me & WH: pushing 50, married 20+ years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Status: Tentative R, carefully watching what happens next.
Posts: 502 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
Member # 42092
| Posted: 10:57 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014|
Huge applause for you! The approach will let you build up a new, happier, stronger, healthier life. And you deserve it!!!
Sit. Feast on your life.
Posts: 4289 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
|Topic Posts: 8|