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Newest Member: Notnemore (60749)

User Topic: Breaking my codependency
♂ 43090
Member # 43090
Default  Posted: 10:21 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Tonight I sat at my apartment all by myself. I spoke to some friends, but balanced my immediate needs with the long-term goals of my friendships. I am not helpless or hopeless. To convey that message to my friends in order to feel validated does not teach me how to validate myself. I am practicing validating my own feelings. It's difficult when my feelings were validated for so long by my WW. Not anymore. All these feelings.....

I am doing it the right way, too. I am not jumping into another relationship or doing anything that I will regret, which makes it that much more difficult.

Posts: 166 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: United States
♂ 28571
Member # 28571
Default  Posted: 11:41 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

It is hard to get to that place man. Don't lose that place.

Tempus Fuckit.

- Ricky

Posts: 7849 | Registered: May 2010 | From: USA
♀ 40306
Member # 40306
Default  Posted: 11:43 PM, April 26th (Saturday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Good job!

It's hard to break that pattern. Over the years I've learned not to trust my own thoughts or judgement about what is and is not ok/appropriate.

I think it takes practice in the beginning. For me, anyway. It also takes me checking in with my friends and my therapist multiple times to ask if something is ok/not ok.

Not being codependent is a really different experience... When I really grasp it, I think it will be very cool.

I hope it's very cool for you too.

Me: BS 44; Him: WH 47 M - 22 Years
D-day: 7/2013; D filed 7/2014; Divorced 7-27-16
...the WS affair starts off in a dreamland where everything is all Golly, Wow! and Meant To Be! and Soul Mates drop from the trees to frolic in the mist. -devotedman

Posts: 5585 | Registered: Aug 2013
♀ 43244
Member # 43244
Default  Posted: 12:30 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

I had a hard time with that coming out of my last relationship. It took a long time to learn how to be alone and how to be myself. Way to go!!!

One thing that really helped me was finding something I could enjoy doing alone. Knitting, reading, writing, watching a good movie, etc. I had to teach myself to develop interests that didn't involve other people.

Posts: 17 | Registered: Apr 2014
♀ 21101
Member # 21101
Default  Posted: 1:38 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You have to learn how to be happy being you. Doing what you like for you and enjoying who you are without the validation of others. When you do that the codependency slips away and you become strong, confident, and happy.
This sets the table for a happy, drama free, good life. You won't ever let Someone treat for less than you are. You will find that doing new things will help in this endeavor.

Him: FWS
Kids: 18 & 20
Married for 22 years now, was 16 at the time. .
D-Day Sept 26 2008
R'd in about 2 years. Old Vet now.

Posts: 13094 | Registered: Oct 2008 | From: St. Louis
♀ 42856
Member # 42856
Default  Posted: 8:18 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

You are off to a great start! I totally get how you're feeling. Finding yourself on your own after having defined yourself through another person is so very hard. I'm right there too. All of who I've become over these past ten years was/is completely intertwined with my WH. Now I'm trying to figure out how much of that is truly ME and what I need to let go of and seek out interests for myself. It's a work in progress.

Keep up the good work! (((knockeddown)))

Me - 43
WH - 41
Dday - 3/6/14
Married 5yrs, together 11yrs
Status - Divorce from the ass is in progress!

You can see more of my story on my blog here:

"Never give up hope and let time heal you"

Posts: 340 | Registered: Mar 2014
♀ 43242
Member # 43242
Default  Posted: 10:24 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Love it! I hope I get to that place one day, too. Let us know what the secret is, once you've mastered it.

Me & WH: 50, married 20+ years, 4 kids
DDay: 3/5/14, 7 yr LTA plus multiple ONS
Conclusion: Some things are too broken to be fixed.

Posts: 775 | Registered: Apr 2014 | From: Virginia
♀ 42092
Member # 42092
Default  Posted: 10:57 AM, April 27th (Sunday), 2014View ProfileEdit MessagePrivate MessageHomepage

Huge applause for you! The approach will let you build up a new, happier, stronger, healthier life. And you deserve it!!!

Sit. Feast on your life.

Posts: 4324 | Registered: Jan 2014 | From: NYC
Topic Posts: 8

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