"You can survive this. Talk to others that have"

Acer0112 posted 4/27/2014 08:53 AM

My short story, WH and I living apart, but with crazy kid sports schedules, see each other a lot. He stays in guest room sometimes as well. But we met and agree, our separation is pre-divorce. We are working on pulling finances, interviewing mediators, getting kids counseling, finding better jobs.

So there is no time limit. We haven't filed. I've asked for respect during this time and I am not dating. He has not committed to that. And almost says dating is part of separation.

I came to find out that he reconnected with OP at least a month ago. She came through town, he saw her on business trip in her town, and cell records he thinks are hidden show they talk or text non stop. He says they are only friends, but I can't believe that.

Is this normal for separation, to date so fast. I know we have emotional and physical needs, but I think it is an issue for me. We are technically married. There is no filing. Maybe I'm hoping for one more glimpse of R, and I'm so mad and jealous with his OP there is no hope of that.

I'm having a hard time talking to him without thinking that he is so involved with this OP. How do I respect him, how do I keep praising him for kids, how do I go on with his secret OP so involved in our day to day decisions.

inconnu posted 4/27/2014 09:08 AM

Ah, it's about your not-quite-an-ex WS - that makes it easier to answer.

And my answer is, don't expect better behavior from him during the separation/divorce than you got during the marriage. In other words, since he cheated during the marriage, he's not going to have any issues dating or sleeping with other women now.

I'm sorry. I know it hurts, and it is incredibly disrespectful. But the OP was very likely his alternate plan, all along.

WakingFromADream posted 4/27/2014 09:19 AM

^^^^^^^^^^^this.

This sort of behavior is par for the course from an unremorseful wayward. My X didn't stop any of the things that I told her she had to or I'd D her such as all the texts in the five months before I filed. That's why I had to file for D. Actions not words and her actions showed me how she really felt.

phmh posted 4/27/2014 09:27 AM

Since he was dating while you were married, it's not surprising that he's dating while you're separated!

But, to answer the question in your title, I don't think it's a good idea. It takes time to process everything that happened and to heal again. Actually getting divorce stirs up a lot of feelings and you need to get through them. I know it works for some people, but for me, it was way too risky.

I didn't want to attract someone as bad as or worse than my XWH, so I knew I needed to wait, heal, find myself again. I didn't regret any of the time I took for myself, and it was definitely worth it.

norabird posted 4/27/2014 09:46 AM

Does your state mandate a legal separation before filing? If not, I would file now. You still feel very tied to him (understandable), but he is moving on, and the fact that technically you are still married does not, sadly, make it your business. Filing will make that hard fact easier to accept.

((((Acer))))

SBB posted 4/27/2014 10:42 AM

^^ what they said. Save yourself this agony. Hope is a devil of a thing sometimes. I too was paralysed by it.

No, it is not normal. He is not meeting emotional and physical needs due to your separation - he is merely picking up where he left off.

Unfortunately your heart will need time to accept that what he does is no longer your business. You couldn't make him act with honour during your M, you have no say in it now. Unless the phone records are something you'll need in D I would do a forced password reset or something to stop yourself tracking their communications. At some point this stuff becomes an act of self harm.

I'm so sorry. I've been where you are now and I asked myself the wrong questions too. Over and over again. Rivers of tears, involuntarily vomiting several times a day, 2 hours sleep a night for months, I went down 4 dress sizes in a matter of months. Then I realised nothing has changed except I had closed the bakery so he could not cake-eat.

To this day I still wonder why I ever hoped for that guy to wake the fuck up.

Now I hope he never does. I don't want him to ever realise what he lost. Now that I've rediscovered it for myself I guard it jealously.

I know you're reeling and still in shock, disbelief and grief.

Find your anger, friend. Channel it into evicting this parasite from your life.

Often they act as sweet as pie to 'nice' us into being compliant. No-one wants the unpleasantness of an acrimonious divorce. I hope for your kids sake that he does do the honourable thing - he would be in the extreme minority if he does.

You may get a fishing expedition or two when he wants to know if you're still an option.

I'm not anybody's Plan B. Not in this life or the next.

Eat, keep your fluids up and sleep - lack of any of these makes all of this so much harder to deal with.

one2ndchance posted 4/27/2014 10:56 AM

STBXWH and I had in house separation for 10 months while we looked for separate homes and sold the one we were in. Because he is well known in our community, I asked that he not date until we lived apart. I, too, felt it was disrespectful since we were living together and maintaining the facade as a married couple. He agreed.

While I'm sure he was probably sneaking around with ow, he at least didn't do it publicly. That was good enough for me, but I had no hopes, as you do, for R. I wanted to D and was working on detaching from him. I did not want to remain married to a man who wanted other women.

How do I respect him, how do I keep praising him for kids, how do I go on with his secret OP so involved in our day to day decisions

You don't owe him true respect...he doesn't deserve it. You should be doing 180 and treating him with polite indifference. You don't need to praise him to kids...he doesn't deserve that either. I'm not saying you bad mouth him, just remain neutral. As far as "going on with his secret OP so involved"....well, you have no choice if you want to stay married. Your only alternative would be to tell him if he doesn't cut off contact with her, you will file for D immediately. Think carefully before issuing that ultimatum, because once you say it, you HAVE to follow through.

[This message edited by one2ndchance at 10:59 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

DepressedDaddy posted 4/27/2014 11:12 AM

Oh, that lovely word respect. I think I had that same request for my WW. "Please don't disrespect me while we go through our divorce by doing what you're doing." How did she respond to that...go full fledged with a new relationship with the MOM.

I agree with what everyone has said. Our WSes didn't respect us by having the A, why would it change now?

In regards to dating, I am not for it until our D is at least final. I don't know if I will be ready for it then either. I am in the process of trying to figure out who I am as a single person. I'm discovering new things about me that I didn't know I had. The last time I was single was 16 years ago. My identity was wrapped up with my WW and our relationship...as a M should be of course. However, now that we are no longer together, I need to figure out myself. She on the other hand can date all she wants. I have come to the realization that she is going to do what she thinks is going to make her happy. If she feels jumping into another serious relationship before ours is legally over, more power to her. I have a sense it will end horribly, but you know what...not my problem anymore. She is not the same person I married, so in both of our eyes our marriage is already over.

On another note...some states have rules about separation and divorce. Some states define separation as filing for "legal separation." Some states mean that you no longer "share" the marital bed with each other (meaning you can stay in the same house as long as you are no longer spending nights in the same bed or having sex). Some states require a certain time limit before D can be filed. I would make sure you have a good grasp on this before you make any decision. In my state, because my WW did what she did, alimony is off the table (I don't know if that is true everywhere). Because she is continuing to engage in a relationship with this person, it makes the legal process more in my favor. I would really consult a L to just ask questions.

Its like those commercials on TV...TMYK (The More You Know).

[This message edited by DepressedDaddy at 11:13 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/27/2014 11:33 AM

I'm also struggling with this question. My WH left me the same night he came home and told me about his A. Even after I told the OW BS, they are still carrying on as if either of our M's exist.

I have since been asked out on a date (to a wedding of all things ) but politely deflected it. I didn't stop loving my WH the night he walked out and I can't say that I've stopped loving him yet. My heart has a lot of mending to do before I can even think about someone else. While the temptation to have the attention and companionship of another person is tugging me at times, I know it's not fair to the other person. I'm not healed yet. I'm also still married and refuse to stoop to a cheaters level. And that's what I would see me as if I would decide to date - cheating on my M even if my WH and I are separated and he's living his life freely. I'm better than that. Always have been and am not going to change now.

I feel you have to follow what is right in your heart. If you need to, start setting a timeline for your D so you can start moving forward and making yourself a new life sooner rather than later. (((acer0112)))

Gemini71 posted 4/27/2014 13:03 PM

I told my STBXH that the difference between a Legal Separation and a Divorce was whether or not we could date other people. I am a firm believer that if you are married, you do not date others. Period. That's what made the affair so terrible in the first place.

Of course, don't expect that to stop a WS.

Linus1968 posted 4/27/2014 13:54 PM

I just want to concur with this. If you are married, you should not date. If you do, you are no better than the WS. I just don't think it is right. Not that I have looked at girl and think "why won't she divorce me?". Or would be flattered if asked...

Acer, if he has cheated, where would the moral standard that dating while just separated is NOT ok come from?
"Let's see, I had sex with OP, but dating while only separated is just immoral and needs to be rejected like the Scarlett Letter. Hell has a special room for those dating while separated..."
Sorry for the sarcasm. But, there is no separation of thought between the two...

You're an interesting species, an interesting mix. You're capable of such beautiful dreams and such horrible nightmares. You feel so lost, so cut off, so alone, only you're not. See, in all our searching, the only thing we've found that makes the emptiness bearable is each other. - Contact

dmari posted 4/27/2014 19:22 PM

Is this normal for separation, to date so fast. I know we have emotional and physical needs, but I think it is an issue for me. We are technically married. There is no filing. Maybe I'm hoping for one more glimpse of R, and I'm so mad and jealous with his OP there is no hope of that.

I liked how inconnu explained it. The reason why you are separating is because of infidelity so what is "normal" or "moral" for a WS is going to be different than a BS. Don't expect in divorce what you didn't get in marriage.

Although I've been separated for 18 months, I know I am no where NEAR ready to date. I read somewhere that you should wait until a year after divorce to date. I believe to fully heal, etc.

Why are you praising him for the kids???

Acer0112 posted 4/27/2014 20:02 PM

Thanks for the replies. For me, I am not planning on dating and wouldn't even consider it until we are officially divorced. I want to be fully healed and ready to be involved without any issues lingering from my marriage. I realize that could take months, years even. I'm ready for that reality, which is also part of the pain and anger I feel, that I am forced into missing companionship and passion and love because of WH and his choices.

To respond to some questions, I read to help the children through this process, to not bad mouth WH, to remind them to call him, and to even talk about his good qualities. Yes I want to say what a lying cheating jerk your dad is, but they are part of him and I wouldn't want them to feel like they will inherit those qualities as well. I want to show that we are still working together as parents, and that my hurt and anger will not make them feel guilty or to pick sides. So tough.

norabird posted 4/27/2014 20:09 PM

Your attitude with your children is admirable. But have you figured out the law in your state on separation and divorce? It sounds as if your WH does not want R (since he appears to still be in the A), so formalizing everything ASAP is in your best interest. Your kids will have to be told about this eventually in an age-appropriate way.

Unfortunately by being 'separated' informally right now you just allow him to disrespect you by continuing with his AP. That isn't okay with you, yet it also isn't something you can control--you can't make him stop seeing her--so focus on what you do control, the legal aspect.

Acer0112 posted 4/27/2014 20:44 PM

I agree that I would feel less disrespected and have direction once we get filed. We don't feel like we are ready to file as there are some hard dates to meet with the paperwork at 45 days and 90 days. And a course we have to attend as well. We talked about a legal separation as being an option, that is in place six months.

I hope we can interview some mediators in the next two weeks and they might give us some insight in the timing. We also want to meet a financial planner to help us determine if we can keep the house or not.

We are pulling finances now, so overwhelmed with that. And we aren't sure about job changes with him. And he is hoping I land a full time job. I know that is so he doesn't feel as guilty and pays less.

I need these plans in place, he keeps saying he isn't putting restrictions on anything right now. I'm realizing me thinking he was going to be cooperative and fair is seeming less and less. He freaked out when I mentioned his hotel points and united miles.

soosorrymom posted 4/28/2014 00:16 AM

I am a WW so situation a little different but think some same rules apply . We are In house seperated and BH feels he has the right to text OW and do what he wants .
I am having a hard time with this since we are still in limbo and haven't officially made a decision if we are heading to D or R.

I want him to work on himself as I have seen other BS reply on SI . However I don't think seeking OW is a positive way to do it .
I am working on my issues by going to IC, reading healing books and doing everything I can to be supportive to his needs. He always said 2 wrongs don'take a right but seems to be the path he is heading down .

Bluebird26 posted 4/28/2014 05:09 AM

A) it's not a good idea.

B) However the WS will do what they want to do, as they did in the marriage.

C) Go see a lawyer and file immediately. Don't do the inhouse thing any longer then necessary it will stop you from healing.