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this is all so twisted

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cantaccept posted 4/27/2014 10:25 AM

It feels like so much to fight through everyday just to not break down.

Thursday, driving to a seminar, I struggle with driving since dday#1, have to fight the conversations in my head, over and over. I was walking to my car and had this overwhelming vision?, memory? brain malfunction? of stbxwh from when I felt safe with him.

The pain and longing, anxiety, was horrific. Driving home I became light headed, dizzy, heart palps, nauseated. It lasted through the whole night.

I woke up the next day to email from stbxwh, "you are a slut".

Okay, now I remember who you really are. It actually made me feel better. This is just too crazy.

How can you miss, ache for someone and at the same time know that the person you miss doesn't exist? Know that you don't want them in your life, know that they will harm you, don't care about you but still miss them? How is this even possible???

Then getting hit with the memories of the betrayals, the lies. There was a thread in general today, "will they cheat again", someone posted that their therapist stated that the risk was actually lower now that it was being worked on than with someone that had never cheated.

We had that same convo in MC, my therapist said the same thing and stbxwh was nodding his head in agreement, even asked me if I thought he was cheating again. Me, foolish, trusting me, said "no I don't believe you are".

He was, at that very time, betraying me again.

The realizations of the truth of that time seem to keep slapping me in the face. I don't intentionally try to remember but they just come. Something will trigger my brain, like that post this morning.

Patience, time, I really do wish there were a fast forward button. Right now, if given a choice I would give up 3 years of my life to be over this pain. I am just so tire of this.

AppalachianGal posted 4/27/2014 10:35 AM

I struggle with loving/missing someone that never existed as well. Its pure hell and makes no sense at all. I'm sorry you are hurting.

LeftOutintheCold posted 4/27/2014 11:58 AM

How can you miss, ache for someone and at the same time know that the person you miss doesn't exist? Know that you don't want them in your life, know that they will harm you, don't care about you but still miss them? How is this even possible???

^^^^^I've been asking myself this same question this entire weekend!!! I even broke my 180 and texted my WH last night and told him "I want to see you". So so stupid of me, but it was a thought just like yours that led me to do it. I know I'm just missing the husband/life I used to know, not this ugly stranger now. I hate time too! I keep saying I want to go to sleep and not wake up until it's over. I'm tired of hurting and crying. I want to be healed and already well into my next chapter of my life NOW!!!

I agree 100%, this mess we've been thrown into is twisted beyond anything I've ever dreamed of. I hope we all heal sooner rather than later. (((cantaccept)))

MadeOfScars posted 4/27/2014 12:22 PM

I know where you're coming from and I deal with it too. What I think it boils down to is we are so incapable of doing what was done to us that we can't accept that others can do this to us. We can't fathom that all that happiness we had, or thought we had, was never really true. I stumbled across some pictures on my computer the other night. I tried not too look, but I caught a few glimpses as I mass-deleted them. They were of such happy times. They were of a time when I was in love with the woman of my dreams, and she looked at me like I was every bit the man of her dreams. We laughed, we loved, we had it all. Or, so it seemed.

I still hear her, see her, smell her though she has been gone from my sight for months. The memory slideshows still run in my mind, cost me much needed sleep, and just generally torture me. All that said, this month is better than last, last month was better than the month before, and so on. In a few more months, the ice in my heart will melt a little more, and the thoughts at the forefront of my mind currently will slowly move to the back. You're right though - it can't seem to happen fast enough.

Kajem posted 4/27/2014 23:32 PM

Most addicts know the drug they are using is bad for them - yet they still use!

Getting him out of your system is like an addict doing detox, hard , painful on many levels and takes time.

Well be here supporting you!


nekorb posted 4/28/2014 06:37 AM

I'm sorry.

My counselor and I have been trying to come up with something to help interrupt those thoughts.

She said to replace those thoughts with an a image - a "no" circle with a line through it, I saw someone here a few days ago saying they visualize a stop sign, etcetera. I like the stop sign, personally.

A thought is just a thought. We CAN learn to control them.

Until then it sucks big time. I miss my husband too. In hindsight, he wasn't valuing me or our marriage. He isn't capable of unconditional love. (Except for the kids, I must say...I hope that doesn't prove to be a farce as well)

There's always a new day, new hour, new minute coming after the hard ones.

Regroup. Carry on.

kg201 posted 4/28/2014 07:12 AM

For me all of the negatives that have taken place since dday have pushed all of the good memories out. I still think about better days from time to time, but it's like watching a movie, and I don't feel part of it. The affair itself is a non-entity for me now. What I mean by that is I couldn't care less that my ex was living this other life for four years. I am focused on surviving the constant crazy that she brings into my life now, and moving beyond it.

With my ex being terminally ill I was worried for a long time before dday about how I would react when she passed. And maybe in some ways she has done me a favor, because he woman I loved "died" a long time ago. If/when my ex passes I will probably still have a strong reaction, but I know it will be different.

Your ex has been gone for a while as well. You are still grieving that loss. Don't be too hard on yourself.

Klove posted 4/28/2014 08:31 AM


Our timelines and the lies are so similar. My dday #1 was oct 2012 and 2 was 2013 with same ow.
Your thoughts are really similar to mine- which is why I feel false R is just about the worst mindfuck there is...

I just think about moving on happy without him. Sometimes it works- sometimes it doesn't. I think of a future with a handsome well adjusted man and me being emotionally and mentally healthy and happy. I think of my own cozy house with my own stuff and my own rules and my own boundaries.
This helps.

norabird posted 4/28/2014 11:21 AM


I'm so sorry you've been hitting thee triggers. It's a big trauma, remember that--processing it is not linear, but you ARE processing it, you ARE moving forward.

Have you read Getting Past Your Breakup by Susan Elliot or Living and Loving After Betrayal by Steven Slosny? Reading the books reassures me that everything I feel is normal and part of the struggle to reconcile the new reality with my memories and feelings. It also gives me a little more ability to re-focus on myself instead of obsessing.

Hang in there!! And know you aren't crazy or abnormal to feel like this. You've been thoroughly disoriented and are slowly regaining your equilibrium, that's all.

westgirl posted 4/28/2014 17:08 PM

I agree that there are a roller coaster of emotions. It has been 9 months since d-day for me. My STBXH informed me he had been carrying on a 3.5 year affair with his business partner, despite working on our 26 year long marriage and blaming me for all the issues. Since that time,he left for a few days to clear his head, broke off his affair, and then resumed the affair when the OW left her husband and family. He basically ran away from our house and left me to deal with all the emotional damage. Didn't want to work on the marriage because it was a "bad marriage". Now we are selling the house. He was here last week to finally get his belongings. He told me this was "really hard, we had so many good memories". I too like others have a hard time thinking about anything good about this relationship. I too wake up with dreams involving my STBXH and his AP. I want them out of my head. But, I have to say it was liberating to have all of his stuff finally out of here. I am moving forward and I know that I deserve better than what I was married to for so many years. He dragged me through the mud when all along he was the one having an affair. Him and his AP are meant for one another. Good luck to them both. I miss the person he was before he took up with this woman. Both of them brought out the worst in one another. Great way to build a relationship!

cantaccept posted 4/28/2014 19:02 PM

Thank you everyone for your support, it means so much to be understood.

I went to a g2g on Saturday, such validation, it made me feel normal. Apparently I was the "newbie", the reaction when I said 4 months out from dday#2. Everyone cringed, remembered how painful it was, I could see it on their faces. But the encouragement, that yes, it gets better, it really does. That is priceless, I am hanging on to that, for dear life.

The hardest part for me now, I am realizing that all of the abuse, for years, "you are a liar", "you are lazy", "you are not a real person", "you act inappropriately", "you are a flirt", all of it was lies, all of it, it was not me, not me at all. I was so totally commmitted to this man, I probably would have stayed until it killed me. (it might have)

The hardest part is the opposite, "true love", "forever and a day", "you are my lottery", "you and I together is all that matters", "I love you", "we have history", that was all lies too. That is what hurts the most. That is what is so hard to accept, it was all lies, everything was a lie, the good as well as the bad, it was all a lie.

I feel like I have been conned. Instead of stealing my money, he stole my soul.

westgirl posted 4/29/2014 04:35 AM


The lies are the hardest part for me to reconcile as well so I know how you feel. For 3 years, I was receiving the same lines - you are the mother of my children, we have a long history, etc., while he was carrying on an affair. But I also know the life I was living during those 3 years was hell. He was saying all the issues stemmed from things I had done -- didn't go to this family function, was sharp to him. I walked around on eggshells. I understand now thru lots of therapy that this was emotional abuse and I did not ever have a chance despite my doing everything to be "the good wife". If his AP's husband did not find an e-mail, my fake life probably would still be continuing. So, I have found I now don't have to live in fear like I was doing. And that is a lot better than living with someone who was treating me so unfairly. But I get what you are saying. Probably at some point, I will be able to forgive the affair, but will not be able to forgive what he did to me emotionally. Hang in there. 9 months today and I finally feel like I am really moving forward. He is just "someone that I use to know"

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