I just made a post a few days ago talking about my “HIGH” and as I predicted it would be followed by a low. I also stated that there were things I could complain about, and triggers but I wanted to focus on the good things. After all even at this moment, my gut tells me it’s all okay. This morning though my I had to sit my happy ass back down somewhere. Things are never that easy. I also posted recently about not feeling comfortable posting in R. I’m glad I haven’t. I don’t feel safe enough to post there yet. I don’t want to give myself false hope. I’m just NOT convinced yet that he won’t do it again. I don’t know if I’ll ever feel 100% but I know I don’t feel safe enough to put my guard down. I was given a reason to feel unsafe again last night but I’ll get to that in a minute.
The reasons I’ve been triggering: Well my SO has been posting a lot about his family and also his faith. We both are in the word and trying to build our relationship in faith even tighter. About 2 weeks ago after going NC for a few months, OW writes my SO from a new FB page.
She says: Hey, I’ve been thinking about you a lot lately and wanted to let you know I forgive you. I’ve been getting back into the word and in my faith and I just wanted to let you know. Also, Oc is doing good.
He Says: Thanks I forgive you too. I’m glad you guys are doing good.
She says: Can you call me?
He doesn’t reply.
I told SO, that I KNOW she is just using her fake religion to guilt him into being nice. She always just happens to be into the things he’s into that he’s posting about on FB. He said it may be true but that’s not his place to judge. Even if that is the reason, at least she is thinking about her faith. True, but don’t let it fool you. He says it doesn’t. I’m sitting next to him for this convo. I don’t interject because it’s his place to handle it. I don’t expect NC but I DO expect transparency! Well on Easter my SO decides he’s going to church, post about trying to do our girls’ hair and wishing mommy was home to help. (I had to work that morning) Well you know who decides to write him again. This time I’m not by him and we haven’t really spoken about any action he’d like to take with OC or how to handle a future interaction. Amazingly I felt comfortable enough to move on and trust he’d tell me if she wrote again. The convo on Easter went something like this, not verbatim.
She says: (sends 2 pics of OC) Happy Easter.
He says: Aww, she’s so cute, thanks you too.
She says: When are you going to see her?
He says: Honestly ms.homewrecker, I don’t know. I know we always start out on good terms with good intentions and it always turns into bullshit. I am really trying to stay in my faith and work on my family/relationship. I don’t think it’s okay to do that and keep coming around you and OC playing this “what if” game.
She says: That’s okay I understand. (A few minutes go by with no response from him and she writes again)
She says: Well I really hope the best for you two. I hope everything goes good for you and your family. I will just explain all of this to OC when she gets older and I don’t mean that in a bad way. Just letting you know I’m not going to lie to her.
He says: I didn’t mean I’m cutting her out of my life completely. I just think its best that you and I don’t have any contact at this point. I do want a relationship with her I just don’t know how that’s possible right now.
She says: Well I don’t think that’s fair to OC. Can’t you just call me so we can talk about this.
Again acknowledging she is just trying to get him on the phone so they can have this dramatic phone call and guilt him into just saying whatever so she’ll shut up he decides again to not call and not have any more contact as he stated his feelings already. Feelings by the way that I NEVER made him feel he had to say to her or talked him into feeling. He came up with this on his own. So that was last Sunday.
That conversation happened while I was at work. I verified he didn’t call. The thing that stuck out to me though was the “what if”. Does he feel that way when he’s around her? He said at the beginning of the EA AND PA he did before she got pregnant. Not a serious “should I leave?” but more along the lines of what if ms.d2s and I didn’t work out. Or on our bad days he says he would think “what if”. He says he knows better than that now. He says the reason he stopped seeing OC is because when he would see her OW would make it about her instead of OC. Asking him things like “do you ever think about us being a family” or “if I didn’t work at a nightclub would you have dated me” and a bunch of other ifs. To all of which he supposedly says no. (but during PA used to tell her these were the reasons why he couldn’t be with her) Even if I asked him about the “what if” would I really believe his answer? No. I’ll just let my heart break silently wondering if that’s what he meant. He’d probably say he was talking about her always asking what if.
Well last night I come home from work, He tells me he talked to OW on the phone. My heart drops. Sometimes you just get that “this is going to be shitty feeling” then you realize it’s more like the runs shitty. That’s what happened. I asked, what made you call her. He said he wanted to talk to her about possibly picking up OC to meet our children, grandparents, aunts and uncles for about 1-2 hours one day. She said no. They argued. Whatever. He said the call was about 15 min, they didn’t agree on anything. I ask him what made him call her. He tells me that his mom called him shortly before and asked how OC was doing. He said he didn’t know since he hadn’t seen her. MIL then said she was upset she never got to meet her other grandbaby. I muttered “that’s so unfair” he said why. I replied well did she ask about DS2? He says no. Of course not. As if DS2 doesn’t exist. The thing about DS2 is that we placed him for adoption. It was the hardest most scary thing I have ever done in my life. One thing I can say looking back at that day is that I don’t regret it. He has it made! 2 parents who both graduated with PHD from John Hopkins University, multiple yearly vacations, a ball pit and climbing wall in his basement, a college fund ALREADY (he’s only 2). And it is completely OPEN. I can call anytime day or night and the adoptive mother does the same. We’ve became like family. I call her with big news in our life and she does the same with me even when it has nothing to do with DS2. MIL didn’t want us to do adoption. She was in foster care and was molested so I understand where she’s coming from but this is completely different. I just hate that she will ask how OC is doing and act as if DS2 doesn’t even exist. Anyways, back to the call. We don’t talk much more about it. He just tells me to go online and check the phone record in the morning. Well, at 630 when I’m getting ready for work I decide to look in the hone and there is NOTHING. He deleted the call! When we got to my job I just broke down crying. He hit me with the “I regret even telling you” I lash back saying I KNEW he was going to say that. I’m not upset that he called, or tried to be able to pick his child up. I didn’t get upset until I looked in the phone and saw that even if for just a moment, he considered lying to me about it. I tell him that and I see he still doesn’t get it. “Well I did tell you” is what he said. I don’t know, that’s true he did tell me but I’m still upset. What do you guys think? I looked at the phone records and sure enough the call was there. Only it was closer to 30 minutes. Then she sent 9 text in a row after and he responded to none. I’ve asked him what those messages were, he says her yelling at him. He said the only reason he thought about not telling me is because he felt like it was pointless. He called to try and be a father and got shot down, so what’s the point sort of thing. He said obviously if she would have said yes then we would have talked about it.
The other problem I’m having is that I’m pregnant again. My birth control has worked wonders for me. I contemplated abortion but just didn’t feel it was for me. My pregnancy is high risk. My previous OB says its life threatening for me. I’m 23 weeks now, seeing a specialist probably going to have a cesarean hysterectomy which I don’t mind the hysterectomy part so much. I don’t care to have any more children after this one. I’ve tried to tie my tubes twice, both times failed. I’ve also tried the IUD but unsuccessful because when they tried to put it in they noticed a tumor on my uterus. I have found out it’s a girl!! That makes me happy. The funny part to the story is that when I asked my SO how he could place DS2 for adoption and have him live half a country away and feel like he must be a crucial part in OC’s life. He says because DS2 is in a two parent EXTREMELY stable home and DS2 has a father, OC doesn’t have either. True enough but still. So we’ve been talking about adoption with this one. The same family that has DS2 would love to have another child. They always said if by chance I ever became pregnant they would love to have another. We thought it was a joke but here we are. They have already offered that if we are considering they would love to have her and that way DS2 will have his sibling. That is the ONLY way I would do it. I just don’t know. I want to keep her so bad. I want to have her nuzzle on my chest, hear my heartbeat to comfort her. I want to hold her all the time, to ease her cries. We just financially are in a terrible place. We don’t even have a car to fit all of us in. At the same time I know her life will be 100x better with them, and we will still be a part of it. I can’t help but feel like that I will be angry. Angry that the little girl OC gets to be kept by her mother and USED as a pawn. Used as a piece in her mother’s game. All because he said wouldn’t leave his family so she thinks by having his child, suddenly THEY are a family. That she has some pull in his life. She doesn’t realize its OC that means something, no her. I just don’t know….
Most the time, now, I feel good about my delivery. I feel it’s going to go great. But I fear what if something does happen to me. What about my kids. Who will take care of them. The weird thing is I think the adoptive family of DS2 would help all of them and SO. But what if. And wouldn’t the next most logical choice if something happened to me, is for my SO to try and build a family with OW/OC. UGH. I’m thinking too much. He swears he never would. He says he couldn’t. She’s been with everyone in town, how could he proudly call her his. Whatever. She was good enough to fuck and good enough for you to slip up and take away the one thing I had over all the OW, YOUR KIDS! I deserve a ring. I deserve a faithful husband. I deserve the loyalty I gave him. I deserve love. Anways this is somehow turning into a rant. I just have a lot going on, could use some prayers not just for me but for SO too. He needs them just as much.
I should have named my post more appropriately.....something like "Clusterfuck"
[This message edited by DTERMINED2SURVIV at 11:19 AM, April 27th (Sunday)]